By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Witsend, Sorry to just now get back to you, and I may not have any time til late tonite or early am to reply again, But did you read my post about when I went to courts due to my sons defiance?
I went thru it, he did end up in Family connection for a while , then boot camp(juvenile) for not following curfew and other simple rules the judge and I set. It was good for him. But a very unpopular decison for those in my family who did not understand my dire situation.
NOBODY understands what YOU are going thru like you do. Follow your gut, your strong and will make the right decison. In one of my sons moments of honesty- he said the boot camp ordered by judge was the BEST thing for him. He learned confidence i n himself and I think it made him feel independent for once in his life.
Its sad to see the depression in their eyes. My son I know suffers from that as well, but refuses treatment of any kind. . I will never regret asking the judge to help me to help him. I promised my son, I will not let you go down this road (drinking/drugs/running away etc) If can possibly do anything about it. As I posted on another thread (it was yesterday or today cant remember which one or the thread -so sorry) your window of opportunity is now until 18 yrs of age. At 18, the courts can not assign a probation officer or any mandates over them, they are considered an adult. The courts allowed him lots of rope- just keep curfews, rules your parents set for you-in which I wrote out and took to the judge and we all signed off on them,and dont skip school or fail random drug tests. SIMPLE. The courts were very respectful to me, and went by my suggestions all the way. But be ready,,, my son still has deep resentment for me “sending him to jail” which is not true- he sent himself due to not following rules that all teenagers should obey.
I feel that with teenagers, if you are their friend, and they like you, You are probally doing something wrong- This is the time they need a firm hand, and with any luck and Gods caretaking, you can keep em safe until their brains catch up with their body size. Best of luck, Prayers are with you.
Witsend, P,lease keep us posted on your decisions and thoughts as you feel you need to. I am always here for you.
Sabrina
OMG….You know I am just about as overwhelmed as I can be right now….I just feel like I am loosing it. I am just crying like a big baby over here and I can’t stop….
I keep thinking about when we were at the counscelor and he was just soooo ANGRY.
At this point in time I would have hoped to have more answers than questions. A better understanding…A better grip.
And every day I am continually amazed at how his lack of living in reality can create disfunction in my OWN sense of reality if I let my guard down.
I did read about when you went through the court system. And it was important reading for me as I am approaching this choice with trying to look at this from all angles.
I thank you for sharing that.
Dear Witsend and Sabrina,
As you both know, I think, my P-son is 38, in prison all but a few months since he was 17, in prison at 20 for murder and not out since….I knew by age 17 that he was a psychopath, but I denied it. I kept up malignant hope, hope without any foundation any more “stable” than IT WAS WHAT I HOPED WOULD COME TRUE.
There wer etimes I wished I could just cut a little hole in his skull and pour in some sense so he would see tht he was ruining his life….gifted, in every gifted and talented program since grade school, every opportunity for ANY college he wanted to attend, what scholarships wouldn’t have paid my egg donor would have….in stead, he was in jail before he graduated high school, then jumped bail and went out of state…got his GED in prison after he was convicted for murder.
Ever since he has been in prison, his sole goal is to “out wit the hacks” and get by with breaking the rules. He has had fair success with it, but still has had major “cases” of violations 19 times that I know of in the first 19 years…including a smuggled cell phone (a felony if they had found all the parts) and a knife, smuggling in porno, misuse of a computer (he taught classes) and others. He has committed crimes while in prison…also, he had an affair with a female major…he has NO remorse about the murder, and in fact, BRAGS about how much more “horrible” the crime was than “even the cops knew.”
Yet, he can quote scripture with the best of them, has learned to read and write Chinese, Arabic and Spanish on his own, learned to be a master boot maker, commanding up to $2500 per pair of boots—that is before he got kicked out of the craft shop a couple of years ago for the smuggled cell phone…when I was going through his tools that were shipped out, I found two more cell phones secreted inside boot stands.
Sabrina, when my son was 17, he stole my car to haul the loot when he robbed my husbands and my good friends’ business (shut them down for months) and when I got up and was going to work my car was HOT at 6.a.m. likeit had just been driven, which it had been. ONly two weeks before he had talked his older brother into financing an apartment for “them”—my husband and I went to the apartment and found the loot, so I called the cops. My non-guilty son also went to jail over night as well. But you know, my P son STILL resents the heck out of me 21 years later for turning him in. I asked him once “what should I have done to try to stop you from ruining your life?” He said “I don’t know, but turning me in was not it.” He even blames me turning him in for the robbery for the murder he did 3 years later. DUH?
Later the same night after I turned him in they were going to release him to me to take home and my husband and I went to get him, when the sarg. walked him downstairs he looked at me all cocky and said “What the Fv*k took you so long?!” I turned to the sarg and said “there’s been a mistake, this boy looks like my son, but MY SON wouldn’t talk to me like that, take him back up stairs.” Then I turned and walked away. The problem is, 3 days later at his court hearing I went there. I told the judge I wouldn’t take him back unless he was “radio collared” and that took a few more days before they had that arranged and he came home, but in only a couple of days he cut the collar off and fled, jumped bail.
I should never have taken the next collect telephone call, I should never have written him or sent him a dime in commissary money….I should have just let him go and gone on with my life…but he would hook me in with the FEAR for him, the OBLIGATION I felt to my son, and the GUILTY feeling I had for “not doing anything to help him.” The FOG of malignant hope that ate at me like a cancer for 20+ years.
But you know, I have excised that CANCER from my mind, soul and heart, my son is “dead” to me….I even h ad a private “memorial service” where I buried him, shut the coffin lid and grieved for him, because my son is GONE, just as gone as if someone had killed him, or he had died in a car wreck, he is just as gone as my late husband, my grandparents, and my late step son. DEAD and GONE, he will not be coming back….that wonderful little pre-teenager I loved that was so charming and so bright is GONE.
There is a MAN who has his organs, a BAD MAN was the inheriter of his heart, his brain, etc. but that MAN is NOT my SON. That MAN is a stranger to me. He is not my son. I don’t love that man, I don’t pity that man, and I am not responsible for that man.
My other sons and I have made the decision as well that if the MAN does die in prison, we will not claim the body. Our son and brother is already buried.
My egg donor has made the decision that she will support the BAD MAN even though she knows the truth (which she now denies) that he tried to have me killed by sending one of his ex cellmates to invade our family like a trojan horse. My sons and I have made the decision to NC with her because of her continued sending money (which translates into ammunition) to the BAD MAN, which he can use to hurt us.
She has put CDs in his name, probably put him in her will for a chunk, who knows….but it isn’t about the money, it i s just that it gives him the wherewithall to mount another attack on us.
We fled our homes once, and if necessary we will do it again. But we will no longer LIVE IN TERROR. The only thing worse than being killed outright I think is living in terror, cowering in a hole in fear. I won’t do that any more. I will live, cautiously for sure, but I will LIVE, not cower.
My prayers are with you Sabrina and Witsend…my only advice is that when you see that there really IS nothing you can do, step back, and realize that there is no cure for psychopathy, and come to grips with REALITY, and not hang on to the mallignant hope that I did for as long as I did. The longer you hang on to that unrealistic hope, the more it hurts you, and NOTHING HELPS THEM.
I know that each of us experience our grief in unique ways, but I have known, Rune has known, and others here have known, the grief of seeing your child that you loved, turn into a monster of no small proportions. We can’t save them. I wish we could, because I know that each of us would have given their own lives in exchange for that son or daughter if it would have saved them. But it won’t. We each make our own choices, and in many ways they are genetically “driven to do evil” but they do know right from wrong, and they do have choices in how they behave. My prayers for you and all the LF bloggers. ((((hugs)))))
Oxy, Thank you so much, for taking time out once again to reach out to us. I had read your posts and knew your situation, I just didnt want to ask you to go thru the details again, in case it brings painful memories. My heart breaks for what you have been through.
My situation seems nothing compared to what you have had to endure. The pain, I think those of us who know would agree ,is so much more deep and gut wrenching with your child. A mother (or father)never wants to give up hope. Its devastating that he could actually try and have you killed. I cant fathom in my mind how he could even think to do such. I wish I had words to comfort or wisdom to share, but I got nothing. You are the strongest person I have ever known and have had more than your share of heartache. I pray that God pour out blessing on you beyond imaginable. I know that you could never have been the same degree of a shining light that you are now without the experiences you have been thru. BUt good lord what a trial! God bless you and keep you always.
Witsend- I know your in agony right now. Prepare yourself, its sad to say but this journey is slow and its ebb and flow. One minute, you may get a glimmer of that baby boy you once knew, and you light up like a christmas tree , then the next moment it can turn ugly with a meltdown as you described. The saddest thing for me, is thinking about the beautiful little boy I loved so dearly and the sweet memories of him growing up. It literally takes my breath away.
And its the emotions that bring us down. Sometimes I have to mentally shut those out and focus on logic instead. Dont make decisions emotionally based is my advice, for whatever it is worth. Emotions offer malignant hope, guilt, shame, double mindedness, and confuse your best thinking.
If you havent talked to someone in the juvenile court system already to get all the details involved, I would do that asap.
You are on your path of formulating your best line of defense to protect your son. Be prepared for the angry reactions he will have if ANY decision is made to change his comfort zone. Do you have any family member or friend that can be there to support you? If you make a decision on his behalf, you may have trouble getting him into court- my son threatened to jump out the car, kill himself etc.
That is why you must take time to carefully decide what your plan is and stick with it. Once you decide, it needs to be 100%, no going back. If your son sees you cave in, you are worse than where you started from. He will chew you up for “trying” to put him on probation as badly as if you followed thru and did it. Ultimately his behavior would probally be so bad, you’d end up eventually following thru, by necessity.
You are the best representative for him, so trust your instincts. I was terrified that my son may try to kill himself (as he’s threatened many times-no attempts) if he ended up in jail. I explained this to his probation officer. He was accustomed to hearing this from many parents. However, I rationalized that if he continued with drugs,alcohol, and reckless living he may be killed anyway. At least he is safe while in juvenile. I felt , doing nothing to try and pull him out of his downward spiral would be suicide anyway.
Witsend, You may could check into the family connection type places- I dont know if you have those where you live, but maybe something similar. Its middle of the road, before courts get involved to check him in there for counseling. They have no choice but to go. They live there, have chores, weekly visits, phone calls with parents for a month or so. Their privaleges are earned and they get a taste for what jail would somewhat feel like.
I would suggest call any agency, school councelor, DHR, if you havent already for opinions and advice. You dont even have to give your sons name, just your issues and questions to them.
Take notes on everything and keep for future reference.(what you dont need now info wise- you may very well need in the future) This helped me to feel a sense of accomplishment. I just told myself I was only gathering advice- no one is forcing you to do anything. You will know when its time to make the judgement call.
Many tears are shed during this phase, but at this point, I am somewhat out of denial and it is somehow easier to deal with and accept this is who they are.
In the beginning I couldnt deal with the fact that he seemed to hate me so much, couldnt be trusted, so on, and so on. Now I expect -no plan for his cruel, jaw dropping statements that would break any moms heart. I still cry, feel overwhelmed, but it cant cut as deep as in the beginning. I have no idea what is next in this soap opera with my son. I must believe and have faith that God will see me thru- He says Cast all your cares upon me for I care for you.
Take care Witsend and any others going thru what we are. Peace xoxo
OMG:
I have been up all night and napping during the days for 6 days now doing paperwork for a hearing next week. I have been going through my files and last night, or about 6am this am, I came across the last rubbermade bucket amongst the mice under the stairs!
I cant’ believe that I still had this stuff…..it was like a gift! There is something my S is claiming is his and he paid for….completely untrue and a huge asset that is mine! I found tax returns and bank statements from 1980 along with all the cancelled checks! With all the other documentation I have, this, I believe is the nail in the coffin for him!!!!! Let’s hope.
Along with this information in great detail, I had some of our kids kindergarden crafts and all my stuff from school and diaries and journals from when I met the S.
Ironic I stored them all together tucked away for just this moment!
My youngest had a book from kindergarden desribing the members of his family….I thought it was ironic he named all names, including the dog by name, me as MOM….but his father he didn’t refer to a dad….it was his first name.
I wonder if this was coincidence or he was aware of his father by kindergarden……
I also read my diary…..I refered to the S as yuck and eww in my writings….I was 13 years old. Apparantly, at some point in my life I had my own opinion, prior to allowing myself to be corrupted.
It was good for me to go throught this stuff, even though it wasn’t my mission to do ‘personal’ stuff….but It helped me with my longterm timeline facts.
I found all of the S’s paystubs, bank statements, deposit slips and stamped envelopes for banking. I found valuable receipts and letters.
His brother wrote him several letters when I was pregnant with our first. He was living in Venezuela and responding to the S’s letters informing him of my pregnancy and that “he was going to be an uncle”. The weird thing was my BIL’s comments back….was “you are not answering my question about how you FEEL about becoming a father” Just that I am going to be an uncle. How do you feel? reading all the letters, it was apparant, he never got an answer…..that was pretting telling now…..to me at least, reminiscing about the abuse I took even in recent years about not aborting the baby, he caused all our problems etc…..the resentment towards the child. This was the same pregancy he pushed me down the stairs with.
S’s brother also commented on a job S’s told him about with the florist with three gay men. It wasn’t about getting a job period….it was about working with 3 gay men.
His brothers reply was…..you were always able to attract any gay man you wanted. EEKKS!
The envelopes were also addressed to ‘THE KING” , ‘THE MAN” and ‘MR, WONDERFUL”. Oh, helllllooooooooo!
Fuel the fan.
This box provided emotional and financial assets for me! Confrirmations, answers and another opportunity to blow him away with my diligence (or luck) to let him know what he is up against……I can’t wait to file bank statements and canceled checks from 1980 with the courts and his attorney!!! He’s going to sheet!
He will view it as ……oh dang, if she still has those…..what doesn’t she have! NOTHING!!!!!! Another seed planted, but this one is more of a sprout.
Just thought I would share this thought with you all…..meet with the attorney tomorrow…..the kids are in bed, and I’m working again through the night! I feel an end to this divorce may be near!!!!! In the meantime, I will continue to POUND HIM!!!!
I am proud to say that today i emailed my 30 year old Psychopath daughter and told her NO CONTACT, anymore. I knew because of this sight what to expect. She immediately contacted my youngest, 19 yr old son (who is kind and gentle hear ted and he is my greatest ali ) and tried to make him hate me.
It didn’t work, although my son is not a wake up to her yet and may never be.
I felt sad but happy! Sad that I had to let her go and that i couldn’t deny the abuse anymore, but happy that the relief I felt was real and that this is the obvious conclusion. I know she will create havoc when she realizes that I am going to maintain this rule.
But for now I feel like I have lost a daughter that i never had! Work that out!
But
I really am making progress quickly since I came upon this site!
I let my ex psychopath have the lot…i.e.house etc, because he would have literally killed me if I took anything at all and told me precisely that. His words were, “I will back up in ten years time when everyone’s forgotten about it and kill you.” I took the kids and they went to him when they “wanted to”. Which obviously wasn’t much at all.
In Australia, up until recently, the man is not forced to pay child maintenance and it is very easy to get out of and to dodge payment. So I got NO CHILD SUPPORT EVER from the psychopaths (I had three kids and two different dads . I did not try to get any part of our home or assets. After we left,
even though we were very, very poor and i had to work hard bringing up three kids on my own, guess what I got in place of the “assets” ?
Peace of mind, safety, a psychopath- free- existence (until the next one that is!) no stress, happy kids, freedom and sunny days.
Dear Tilly,
Even if the law had tried to force your x’s to pay child support, they would have gotten around doing so in some way, and the death threat could very well have been real.
In my own situation, I realized that sometimes THINGS are not worth risking your life for, better to leave with a suitcase and your life than “get the house” and a funeral to go with it.
I am so glad you are here, this IS a wonderfully healing place. I suggest you keep on reading the older archived articles here, they are a PhD in healing. Knowledge=power and the more of our own power we take back the better off we will be.
Learning to spot the RED FLAGS of psychopathy in someone is a good thing to learn as well. Some of them are sooooo smoooooth it is difficult to do, but they all seem to give off some “clues” (RED FLAGS) early on IF YOU KNOW WHT TO LISTEN FOR. Looking back at my relationship with my P XBF that I hooked up with after my husband’s death, I realize he TOLD me what he was, my gut reacted to his confessions, but my DENIAL took over and I didn’t want to believe what my gut was telling me—RUN!
I don’t want to appear arrogant, but I think the next P that tries to hook me will have a very difficult time doing so, because I am listening to my GUT and I am dispensing trust VERY CAUTIOUSLY. I am requiring respect and caring behavior from anyone in my circle of trust. Good boundaries.
Yes, life is good, maybe not what I thought it was going to be, but better than it ever has been in my life, because there is NO toleration for disrespect and abuse in my life.