By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Ox Drover & Sabrina & Housie,
All your stories just break my heart. There are no words to extend to a mother who has had to endure the UNENDURABLE. I am so sorry.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I know I have echoed these words before….In the years following my husbands suicide….I knew early on that although I would somehow survive this, I would NEVER be the same person again. Tragedy does that. It changes you. I invested alot of myself to come to the other side of that. My ONLY reason for crawling out of bed in the early days following the suicide was my 2 kids. I can remember not be able to sleep. And my MD wanting to give me sleeping pills. I just looked at him and said….I don’t think so.
My reason for not sleeping was fear. I could barely co exist with the suicide during my waking hours. I had fear of sleep. When I closed my eyes I pictured in my head when I found him….I had to program myself to see a different picture. It took time. I had time…..To grieve, to heal, to come to the other side.
Somehow I don’t feel that time is on my side now. In my inability to do for my son what seems to me to be so NECESSARY. I just can NOT imagine why it is so impossible to get inpatient treatment for a 16 year old whos decision to not take his meds ARE NOT in his best interest. If he had cancer and needed to be in the hospital for treatment I do not see this would PRESENT a problem. He would be in the hospital.
When my husband was in AA, I saw alcoholics go in and out of inpatient treatment facilities SEVERAL times. It was like the treatment centers had revolving doors. In and out…In and out.
Why is this so much different? Is mental illness SO LOW on the scale of importance in our society? And this is an underage kid. If he had a DRUG problem, I would have a better chance of getting him treatment. WHY IS THAT?
I MUST have a block in my head right now instead of a functioning brain…Because I really DON’T get it. I know this is something I need to get past. I AM STUCK HERE. I know this. But God help me it just doesn’t make sense.
Someone needs to give me a REASONABLE explanation. If he had cancer or some other medical condition = Treatment. If he had alchohol/drug addiction = Treatment. If he cut his wrist = Treatment. History of violating or breaking the law = treatment.
Mental illness, depression/ bipolar = Sorry about your luck lady but without coupling some of the above being present ALONG with depression, in patient treatment is NOT available.
There is no guarantees that inpatient treatment would work for my son. (I know that) He might come out and refuse his meds . But cancer treatments aren’t guaranteed either. Nor do drug/alchohol treatment centers offer a money back guarantee. Its all chance.
If he was given opportunity to be treated though, it might show that yes, in fact the medication WOULD prove to be effective…Or not. He would be given a more thourough EVALUATION if hospitalized.
I have GIVEN some consideration to actually PROVOKE him to the point of physical abuse (it wouldn’t be hard with his anger) to cross PAST the line of the verbal abuse into physical. How sick is that? WHY should I even have to be thinking such CRAZY thoughts? Talk about crazy making.
I’m not sure what pushes me TO the edge more….The system or my son?
All the health professionals…Keep telling me dial 911 if you have to. Why does it have to come to that?
Dear Witsend,
I STRONGLY SUGGEST that you do not provoke him, it is possible he might not have enough control not to either kill or gravely wound you.
I know how crazy you are, I was as well. I spent all my time trying to figure out how to stop my son’s behavior…therapy which he would not cooperate with, he conned the therapist into thinking he was being abused by me.
Feeling that you have done your BEST is all that you can do, but at the same time, even if he IS depressed or bi-polar, it doesn’t mean that he is NOT personality disordered as well. The behavior you are describing and your gut feelings of fear (boy did I have those!) is, to me, way over the top of a teen who is simply depressed, or simply has bi-polar, without ALSO having a personality disorder. Yet, I understand entirely your refusal to “give up” at this time.
Dear Witsend –
My honest answer to you is the way i feel about so many things in the medical/health field….life just doesnt always make SENSE. Sometimes, we do the best we can with what we have. I have been in your shoes with my mom, we couldnt do a damn thing until she threatened or physically harmed someone one.
Individuals have rights. The laws protect them. Should laws be changed for mental illness (yeah probably!) at least for childrens sake (or people could go around accusing many of being mentally ill who arent!
Its so frustrating. You just have to take the stance that this is what I am dealing with. These are my choices. Now what am I going to do. It wont come down to you dialing 911 because you are so involved and aware and trying to stay one step ahead. Did you have any luck with the MD appt? There is a slim chance that he will be able to put him into treatment just based upon the visit…who knows?? Are you able to followup with the Vice Principal about the missed detention so you can communicate your son is having personal problems and how can they work with you AND IF he is scheduled to serve for the detention w/Principal or face suspension, find out when and where he has to be and personally escort him there. There are only 4 or 5 weeks left of school. Have to think what are the things you can be doing alternatively vs. why cant it be this way or that way.
Dont let things push you to the edge anymore. Just take a stance that today this is pending and this is what Im willing to do for myself and for my son. Take one day at a time.
There are no guarantees with anything. If your heart is leaning toward filing the incorrigble teenager process, you will do that, you will do whatever you are meant to…and it will be your best…with much consideration and thought and unconditional love for your son. Its all chance…take the one you feel most comfortable with, your maternal instinct with what you have in front of you to work with…or what you seek out.
I understand where you are, and the frustration, and sheer sadness that follows this journey as his mother and caregiver. Take a breath, you are doing the best you can, and you are going to get through this. The outcome is unknown, but dont let that deter you from working with what you have — even your own creativity — to get through this difficult time. ((HUGS))
Dear LTL
Much of what I am doing now is the waiting game.
I went to his old MD to fill out the paperwork to have his records transfered to the new MD. They said about a week before they would be there. New MD will not make an appointment until records are in their hands. I am hoping to make 2 appointments. One for me to talk to the doctor in private.
I have the paperwork in my hands to file for the court incorrigble teen. It is filled out. Waiting for call backs for more information on this program. No one seems to know much about it. Have left 2 voice mails.
Haven’t heard when the detention has to be served yet. Just heard from the teacher and she reported him today to the office.
It is interesting to note that today my son came home from school, said he wasn’t calling his work, (to check if he had to work) , told me he had no intention of cutting the grass, (hasn’t been cut yet this year and is huge) was very disrespectful, grabbed his skateboard and left, without saying where he was going.
What is interesting about this is EVERY SINGLE thing he did or said had something in common from yesterdays session.
Sometimes I think his couscelor gives my son more POWER by bringing up things in the sessions that my son either hasn’t “thought of yet” or hasn’t yet tried . Today was a perfect example of that…..And I have noted this before. Counscelor mentions something and then boom, my son “goes there”.
One of the things his therapist brought up was that if my son THOUGHT it was important to ME to have a job he would not be as likely to go to work. (I guess purpose of this was to parellel it to school ?) I don’t think he should have said that.
Sure enough he decided he wasn’t going to call his work today. Screw work.
The disrespectful part……He pushed every button that was discussed by me yesterday at the session. In other words I brought up some things and he went RIGHT there. (My mistake)
Didn’t say where he was going and was gone in a flash before I could even ask.
Something new every day….
Witsend, You asked me a question -Here in my state the term you use” “incorrigible teen” is called “juvenile defiance” Probally same thing? What you described, the flat out refusal to go to work ,school, curfew, etc is EXACTLY what the courts call defiance here and that is what they enforce teens to abide by.
The probation officer assigned to the teen acts as a back up authority when teens dont respect or abide by the parents rules at home.
It was explained to me that under 18, if rules such as school attendance, curfews, etc aren’t being followed it is a legal offense for juveniles. The judge actually asked for my suggestions and went along with everything I asked for when my son failed to follow the rules set by the court. I asked them to send him to boot camp/juvenile to prove that defiance is not tolerated. I again asked for a longer term, knowing that my son would manipulate any disciplinary measures taken- like tryin to get off easy with feigned good behavior, victim mentality for sympathy, etc. As I said before, if you are leaning toward that route, you must be in a type of combat mentality- some casualities (hatred by son) to meet the objectives of a greater good.(being back in control of the situation, getting help for your son even tho he dosent understand or believe it , and his future safety-reckless behavior if not turned around, ends up in criminal behavior.
Only my opinion- but even tho my son was depressed and so forth, I never felt it gave him license to make me miserable and depressed as well. I was incarcerated with his bad behavior and finally decided-its either him or me.He will go to jail before I stay in this prison hell hole that my son seems to have sentenced me to. So sorry Witsend for your grief. Thanks for letting me get some of this out of my system. As my son is back in my home, I must remember where I came from with him and get back into my fateegs (cant spell it-army clothes tryn to say!) He is the type- give him ANYTHING and he will march right over you.
Witsend- I am sorry I dont have any advice with councelors and mental health situations. My son fought tooth n nail ANY time I tried that route. I couldnt get him to take a prescribed meds if he were paid. I tried to get a family intervention together- not sure what we were trying to intervene exactly- violent behavior, disrespect, alcohol/drug abuse, etc. But we concluded that him denying he has a problem of ANY kind would make any hospital stay or evaluation futile. Hang in there darlin, you will get thru it. hugs, and best wishes.
Sabrina,
Thanks for telling me a little about this. In my state I can only petition the court for this incorrigible teen now, BEFORE he turns 17. This also has a probation officer AND a program (classes) that both parent and the teen must participate. The only thing I know is that if he is court ordered to participate in the program he doesn’t have the ability to say he “WON’T GO” it is court ordered……So if I can’t get him there because he refuses, he will be picked up for violation of court order. what they do with him once picked up I don’t know and thats some of the questions that I have…..
The biggest question of all is where are the classes held and when (time of day). It is not in my town or the next town as I can’t find this place listed in phone book? SoI do need to know these things. And a couple more questions I have.
I agree the depression doesn’t give them license to create such chaos within the household.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and used to “walk on eggshells” around him to not set him off. I am basically doing the same thing with my son. And I don’t like it.
Not only that but when they are in the house disrespecting you and lying and manipulating and all of the crazy making that they do and feeling entitled to EVERYTHING it starts to feel like you are being abused by an full grown ADULT, not a child…..There is nothing “teenage” ABOUT this behavior. It goes way beyond the normal teenage behavior.
When my older son was a teenager I had all the frustrations and all the trials and tribulations of getting through the teenage years. BUT key: I NEVER felt “abused” by him.I occasionally felt used by him during his self absorbed years. but always could say NO, without that fear of what he might do…I never feared him. That is pretty much when you know something is NOT right with your kid.
Dear Witsend,
My thinking cap is on…
In the meantime, Im thinking….suggesting…
1. the new MD appt will be here soon.
2. I would CALL the Vice Principal and tell youve been told by teacher your son was reported for missing detention and has to serve with Principal or face suspension. ASK WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN…IF THERE IS A SCHEDULED DETENTION – GET HIM THERE – DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO MISS IT AND GET SUSPENDED. Id really find out what is expected of him, if anything. And at the same time expressing that he is going through some personal problems and any understanding and support would be welcomed.
3. Contemplate that letter… If you havent already done so, Im concerned its going to fall on deaf ears soon…
4. Someone, and probably someone other than you… a male (uncle, brother, cousin, grandparent, friend of yours could possibly intervene ON YOUR BEHALF to say they got wind of his disrespectful treatment toward you and irresponsibility with work etc. and that the buck stops here… he can carry on any way he wants to outside of your home…but inside he is to respect and inform you of his coming and goings and be accountable to answer your questions and concerns in a respectful rational tone and manner. He needs to know there are boundaries and consequences to his actions right now. He is literally walking all over you and getting away with it – you need some support with a third party – someone he will be more responsive to. Even if only temporary. someone to come down on him hard..
5. I will keep thinking of ideas, thoughts, suggestions. He needs some disciplinary action from someone other than you…is there anyone ?? Even a friends husband?
LTL
I have started the letter. I have also got to rewrite the letter. I do that alot. The first letter is the one I get things off my chest. Second one I say what needs to be said. I was to vulnerable in the first and it was also to LONG. Wouldn’t hold his interest to even read one that long.
I do need a male figure to kind of be in my corner. I have braistormed a bit about this myself….
I am like an orphan though 🙁 as far as family goes. no brother, no boyfriend, no father, no uncles, no cousins that live anywhere near me….
My older son is getting married in another month and he has just backed off completely from this situation. I am trying to respect his wishes. I believe he feels that he has done what he can without compromising his relationship with his brother. He told me when he brings anything up with him about school or meds or trouble at home my younger son just changes the subject or gets sullen depending on his mood.
I am also feeling guilty that my older son is maybe starting to “resent” the conversations between him and I being centered around this INSTEAD of about his big day and plans etc….I don’t believe my older son is in total denial about his brother but I certainly don’t believe he has a grasp on how BAD the situation really is….The younger one manipulates him into thinking that he is doing better….And because he doesn’t live HERE, or even very close by he sees him in a different light and not often enough to pick up on alot of it. He has never actually witnessed the verbal abuse. If he had I think it would make a difference….My older son would never talk to me that way.
I have thought about my father in law…..He is the kind of guy from the generation that you CAN see the pink elephant in the middle of the room, but you don’t talk about it. His son suicided 12 years ago and he can’t talk about that either. Like it never happened. I think for me, throwing my in laws into the mix would be more stressful than it already is. they know how bad he is doing in school and that is the extent of it.
I do have a male best friend and he would do anything if I asked him…..But he lives 2 1/2 hours away and works about 55 hours a week. So timing him to be here at the right time isn’t going to happen.
I do have some wonderful gf, but I have a relationship with them, not their husbands.
I kind of hoped that his brother would have been the guy to step into these shoes…..But so far this hasn’t worked.
Witsend, It sounds like from what your saying-no back up authority here, that a probation officer would be just what you may need here. And if like my experience, I had a brother who tried, but could do nothing to change the situation. I think the efforts may be futile anyways, because eventually the kid has to come home to just you and him.
I am afraid of my son when in a rage, he has been physically abusive with me. Heartbreaking after the abuse I have suffered previously. LIke you said, you feel abused all over again. When you get angry and look out for your sanity alittle bit, the reality of a probation officer to enforce rules HE is purposely breaking is a great asset to you. For me , the validation alone was outstanding. To hear his P.O who by the way, was a wonderful man to work with, very personable,&no nonsense- say to my son – what your mom is asking is very simple rules, do you see this huge room you have here? A jail cell will be a 10th of this size. Your mom is right in her requirements for you. You can either meet them, or I will have to escort you to that cell we talked about.
My son hated it, but either I was going to continue to be abused, or regain my voice in my own household. After I while, it has as much to do with saving your sanity as it does theirs. I hope you can get all the questions answered. If the times of classes arent possible with your work schedule, I would not be afraid to ask for alternatives, especially since this is by your request. I found the court system very accommadating on what I could manage to do. Its worth a shot. Be persistent ,if you dont get the response you want, ask another person.Dont give up. I found they were so happy that I was not only cooperating, but was trying to keep my son off the streets and under control, they were more than willing to meet our individual needs.
I hope you find peace in what ever decision you make. xoxox