By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Thankyou so much oxdrover, You are right he would definitely have killed me and has killed others and he has never been jailed for it. I am still afraid of him even though I never see him anymore.
What I could never work out was why i was so easily duped the next time and the next time!
I still have a lot of trouble trusting myself with anything because the psychopaths have got me so many times.
But as we know, it is to do with having been brought up by them and never knowing anything else.
I will be on my own forever as far as intimate relationships go. I am too damaged. But my world is already starting to get happier. 6 months later is a lot better than five years later (after the solicitor)before I could smile again!
Dear Tilly,
I think what happened with me was that after each P-attack, I would recover from the IMMEDIATE grief, over time, and I never figured out what was attacking me, so I kept being vulnerable to the next one.
The things about me that made me vulnerable to their attacks were never fixed.I still had my instinctive gut feelings, but was too “needy” emotionally, too dependent on OUTSIDE (of myself) love to sustain me, and of course each time the P offered the “love” I felt I needed to be “complete.” My P-son, my enabling mother, etc etc the X-BF P and so on. Each was a different “role” in my life, but I felt I needed that role filled even though they were using me.
Now, I am finally getting it, and taking care of ME…it is still difficult to overcome a lifetime of bad programming, but I am working on it, and it is getting so much better.
I also have finally realized that you don’t just ARRIVE at a place and are “healed”—it is a journey, and we have to stay on that road to healing, just like an addict has to take it one day at a time, so do we.
In a way, we ARE ADDICTS it just isn’t a “substance” that you can buy, it is the feeling that they give us (at first) of euphoria and charm and love and safety, but it is just like a street drug, it may feel good at first but it eventually kills you and yiou are hooked. We have to break the cycle.
I also expect to be sinigle from here on, I’m 62, and I could get married tomorrow if I SET MY SIGHTS LOW ENOUGH, but i won’t do that. I’m not going to say I wouldn’t have a relationship if the right man came along, but believe me, I won’t take anything but the BEST, because I deserve the best, and I do NOT want another bad relationship in my life, of ANY KIND.
OXDROVER….Really enjoyed the above post. I believe you are so right about this x-P thing being a drug. I can attest for that, as from 1967 when I met him until a month ago, there was NO WAY I could be emotionally free from this P. I used to say that trying to be free from him must have been worse than a Heroin addiction. I spent YEARS begging God to take the bondage away from me, while at the same time feeling that if the P was taken away, I would DIE, because the bondage felt like it was me. The bondage had become me. I had NO identity apart from this P. I don’t even know how I survived. I believe the Uterine Cancer was from the STD’s he gave me, along with the stress of so many years in his clutches. He was an Emotional Vampire. It was so subtle – his clever maneuvers over the years, that at some point in time, and I believe early on (I was only 19), he possessed me like a demon. Now that I am “out”, for I must be far enough away for my psyche to handle this, as I look back, OxDrover, I feel appalled and horrified at the reality of what it really was instead of the illusionary perception I was basking in. Before I “disposed” of him, only a few months ago, he told me that he had a few pictures of me, and that my eyes looked like a “doe in the headlights”. How creepy and terrifying. I am still going through shell shock. I cry easily, I feel frozen, not wanting to even leave my apartment. I am angry that no one in my family or friends can ever know what it was really like. I need someone to understand, and when I go to a therapist, they look at me with a blank stare, and I find myself saying, “You don’t get it”. Because I have insurance that none of them take, I am finding it difficult to get help. I’m angry at myself for not getting a grip. I am 62 years old and have wasted all of my life with this man that graduated from the “Cookie Cutter Messiah School”. You are eloquent with your description of the feelings they give us – the feelings of euphoria, charm, love and safety. Because of the involvement in the Worldwide Church of God cult with him and his mother, who is a Narcissist, it was exactly the same thing as being in the cult of David Koresh or Jim Jones. In fact, to this day, when I watch any documentaries on cults, I have emotional reactions. The P’s mother “took me in” when I first married him, and told me my relationship and hers would be as Ruth and Naomi. I was a poor little waif when I married him, and a prime candidate for their net. I know this is long, but I need to write. No wonder that when we got married, his mother, for a wedding present, rented us a furnished apartment and when I got there (he brought me from another state), the food was in the cupboards and the beds were made with fresh linens. I had never been treated that way before, and I felt loved, valued and special. I was drawn to her, as I was raised by a Narcissistic mother. We did everything together, as her husband was an alcoholic and wasn’t home much. I felt like there was more of a connection with her than the P at times, but felt “safe” because we were married. I had such a terror of abandonment. I find myself washed up on the shores, wet and very frightened and alone. I also feel like I am starting my life over, and that it will be different. At 62 yrs old, I feel a sense of hopelessness and deep grief, as I lost my youth and didn’t get a chance to “do it right”. I see young couples with little children, and I grieve for what could have been. I see my precious children, who are still involved with their dad and grandma, and they don’t have a clue. I feel guilty for what I have done to them, and the pain they have been through. We moved at least 30 times in 20 years, and they were forced to change schools like underwear, and leave their friends behind. They were not allowed to celebrate Christmas and Birthdays like the other children, and had to go to the library when the other children gave out Valentines. In short, they had to be weirdos. I ruined their lives. I am having to form a new relationship with my children apart from their dad or grandma, and all I ever wanted was for them to get to grow up in a sweet family with a mom and dad that loved one another so that they wouldn’t have to go through what I did growing up. That’s a whole other story. Thanks so much for the healing power of the pen. Even if no one reads this, it feels so good to have a voice today.
Dear Housie,
How awful for you to have spent your entire adult life with the likes of such a preditor. I am so very sorry.
Oxy has so much wisdom to share. I would suggest that you read all of he post even the older ones.
Like you, I need to almost “journal” my feelings and it seems to validate or make them more real, just by seeing them in black and white.
You were little more than a child, yourself when thrown in with these awful sub human creatures. Be kind to yourself now, as you are a TRUE survivor! Don’t EVER minimize that.
Forgive me if I don’t use the correct term here, but when I think of cults, I think of brain washing. Maybe there is a more “politically correct” term to use.
But the fact that you were able to survive all that when you were “programed” to believe the cults beliefs, tells me that you are one VERY STRONG lady. And it sounds like your MIL (mother in law) prepped you from the very moment you moved into the apartment.
I also understand your frustration with getting a good therapist with limited insurance. Maybe he will “get it” as more of the story unfolds as you tell it. You will instinctively know as time goes on with the therapist.
Many books are reccomended reading and I would ask the others what they might suggest for you to read. The more you can learn about what happened in your life, the less alone you will feel.
Keep coming back here as this is a healing place.
Oxdrover,
I laughed my head off at, “if I set my sights low enough!” So True!
Sometimes I day dream that I will meet a man who is “normal” (i.e. not a cluster B) and that I won’t tell him anything about my nightmare relationships from the past, and we will start f again from “scratch”. Then I quickly realise that that is extreme DENIAL! Not only because I am incapable of trusting anyone anymore except my youngest son (at least that’s ONE), but also because the only reason I wouldn’t tell another potential partner is DENIAL!
Which would be repeating the cycle!
My biggest eye-opener on this site was realising my oldest daughter is a psychopath like her dad. It is early days, I have made the no contact rule, but I am on the rollercoaster ride of emotions because she is my daughter. (All the guilt and shame etc in full swing). Its very different from dealing with a P partner.
WITSEND…Your validation is much appreciated. Apart from God’s grace, I would not have made it. I have a strong faith (who else could I turn to)? I saw the woman on the news recently who had surgery for a deformed face and it got me out of myself. There are so many people who are going through things I cant even imagine going through. There is a man named H. Spafford who wrote a song named “It is Well
With My Soul”, after he found out his wife and children drowned in a ship accident. They had already been in a horrific house fire. At times when I feel overwhelmed, I make a gratitude list. Thanks for taking the time to touch my life!
Housie,
Sometimes it really is overwhelming. And I think those are the days to journal and let it all out. Most people don’t understand how it feels to be in a relationship with such people. They really are clueless.
Thank God for LF where people do get it and can support us and give us their wisdom.
Dear Tilly and Housie,
I hear the grief and the “what should have beens” in both ofyour posts, and I too grieved for what I did NOT get top have that I wanted so much-=–a 50 year anniversary celebration for my marriage, grandkids to spoil and adore, my sons good men with good families. It didn’t work out that way, but in spite of what I wanted and visualized as what would make me happy, I am HAPPY NIOW! Life is not what I thought it would be, “life is what happens to us wehn we are making other plans”
Now I am ready to enjoy the many blessings I DO have. I am fairly healthy for my age, fairly spry, I have two wonderful sons that love me and are good men. I have recognized finally just how toxic my egg donor is/was, and that I am a stronog and resilient person with a great capacity to love. I did, thanks to God’s grace, have 20 good years with my late husband and I am growing a back bone and coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) Just because I gave birth to someone does not mean I am obligated to let them abuse me, or just because someone gave birth to me does not mean I am oblitgated to let them abuse me.
Hang in there ladies, no one is allowed to abuse you, don’t feel guilty if your child is a psychopath, or your parent or anyone else. The guilt and shame belongs to THEM not to us!
Housie, that song, “it is well withmy soul” is my favorite hymn and I knew the story behind it, I hope that my faith can grow to the level that this man had. I know that God protected me through all of this. And I ibelieve what the Bible says that “ALL things work together for good to those that love the Lord.”
A gratitude list is a good place to start! ((((hugs))))) andprayers
Thankyou oxdrover,
I know the process of grief as i have been doing it all my life. The waves of anger, denial, loss, sadness and acceptance are never in any order and they keep on coming. I keep trying to stay in denial with my daughter. You know, try NOT to think of it at all. But if you do that, then it sneaks in when you least expect it. I am not willing to do anything at the moment (with her in my recovery)except try to maintain my no contact rule. It seems too big for me to handle on top of everything else. Like trying to climb Mount Everest.
I am scared that in about a year or less when she wants something she will do the crying thing and I will weaken again. I am scared she will turn my youngest son against me, (she is already trying to do that), she knows he is all I have left of any semblance of a family.
How ridiculous to be scared of her! But then…….
When she teams up with my parents it is a lethal combination. (I realised years ago my parent were P’s) I am so relieved I will never put myself in that position again. Its taken all my whole life to realise that it was her and not me all this time. She was the LAST one for me to unmask. Its so devastating. I want to be wrong, yet I am relieved that I have realised finally exactly what it is.. So screwed up.
I am fearful of so many potential problems because of my past. When all I really have to do is keep to my no contact rule and i will be safe.
Thankyou again oxdrover, there is no way I could deal with this part without you.
Dear Tilly,
I recognized my P-sperm donor as what he was when I was 19, I had no “name” for it but I knew he was dangerous and a habitual liar and viscious. I went NC 40+ years ago. I finally realized that my P-son was a psychopath (and I had a name for it by then) and went NC, I also realized that my egg donnor was a toxic enabler adn when she refused to quit feeding my P-son money and support (which will/would help him mount another attack on his brothers and me) we (my other sons and I) went NC with her. I occasionally have to talk to her on the phone because of business but I keep it business and handle most by e mail. The last time I saw her was by accident in a store and it was quite traumatic because it was a total suprise adn she tried to trivalize what my P-son had done and what she is doing. I’m stronger now and hope that in the event she does run into me I will handle it better next time.
My P-son sucked me back in again and again, and I know what you mean about “weakening” but you know, I also know WHAT A MONSTER my P-son is, and what a TOXIC enabler my egg donor is, supporting him, while disrespecting my boundaries, my worth. I have only been a good daughter to her, and she has NO appreciation, care, respect, or love for me, only for the grandson who has murdered, lied, stolen, and lied some more. What is WRONG with this picture?
Now that I hve finally processed that, finally gotten it into my head that my “sainted” mother is much less than a “saint”—in fact, she reminds me of the Pharisees that crucified Christ, putting one set of rules on to me, and a second, different set, on herself. It’s okay for her to lie, but she is still mad at me for telling her a lie when I was 15. (nearly 50 years ago!)LOL
YOU, like I do, HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE, you do not have to “allow” them to suck kyou back in. You are STRONG ENOUGH to resist them. Get out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) NONE OF THOSE THINGS should apply to your relationship (or non-relationship) with these people. No matter how much we wish they were different, they are EVIL personafied. If you wouldn’t take abuse from MY son toward you, why should you be obligated to take abuse from YOUR child? YOU ARE NOT.
Your daughter that you loved, that prescious little girl is GONE, she is dead. Some strange woman that resembles her still walks and breathes and uses her organs, but that is NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, it is a stranger who has no love for you.
I actually had a little private memorial service to “bury” my son. My son is dead and gone. the MAN with his organs still lives, but that is not my son. Just as if I had donated my son’s kidneys to a killer, I unwillingly donated his entire organ system, but the MAN is not my son. It is the only way I could deal with it.
My other son is also not the sweet little boy he was, he is a 39 year old man, but he is NOT a stranger to me, he is my SON, just a grown up version of the little boy. I can still see that sweet little boy in his face, and he still hugs me and tells me “I love you Mom” and I know he means it. Not so, teh strange man, I saw hate in his face the last time I saw him. Hate, malice and evil.
Work through it Tilly, it is difficult but you CAN come to some resolution about it all.
Come to acceptance of what IS, let go of what we WISH it was, and come to peace. (((hugs))))