By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Oxdrover,
this is huge stuff I am going through…thank God you have already been there and are living proof that i can get through it too. I know my daughter is dead to me, and yes I WILL have a little private ceremony to help me move on..but I am still coming in and out of the “f. o.g.” in my head. I also have to change my will as she has power of attorney in my will.
Lucky my youngest son is like your 39 year old. We are close. He has a different father to the older two. His father was a narcissist not a psychopath.
I don’t know if my middle son is a cluster B at all. He rings me three times a year. I have always had the most guilt with him as he lived with his psychopath father from 12 years old. I have immense guilt that he was a latchkey kid when he lived with him. His father told me ( much later ) that he ran away from home every weekend. But he may have just said that to upset me, I will never know.
He would have got the brunt of the psychopath. But as i said my son only rings me on Xmas day, Birthday and mothers day (tomorrow). He never returns my calls or emails and lives in another state.
Thankyou so much for helping me through this Oxdrover. Like I said, this is the biggest thing I have had to go through. Going through it with a partner is somehow a fraction easier than your own child. Thankyou so much. Phew! What a journey!
What I mean is, going through the recovery from the aftermath of a psychopathic intimate partner is easier than going through the recoveryof having a psychopathic child. I have only just started and I know how long it took me to get to acceptance with all the other P’s , let alone my own child. Its horrific. Yet its a relief to finally work it out.
My mother was like yours and a paraplegic since I was five. My father did it to her. I was there. She blamed me all her life. And groomed my psychopathic brother to abuse me.
Its a wonder i am not one of the crazy snipers shooting at random from the roof tops!
If you can do it I can do it. I really believe that. And thats what I am hanging on to.
Dear Tilly,
Sweetie, I am glad that my saga gives you hope. I am no oparagon of virtue by any means but I am “getting there” one step at a time, one day at a time. I am NOT the same person I was before all of this, but I am seeing the world through my EYES not the “rose colored glasses” I used to see things through.
Years ago after my (horrific) divorce I was taking my kids to therapy (for all of us) and the therapist told me I had ‘THE THICKEST PAIR OF ROSE COLORED GLASSES SHE HAD EVER SEEN” I know now she was right, I was the best in practicing “denial” that there was. I had learned it at my egg donor’s knee.
It sounds to me like your son is “doing his duty” by calling you 3 times a year and that is all the relationship he is interested in. You can SEE by watching actions of people what they are involved with in a relationship with us…so obviously, that is all the interest your son has. Not your fault though, Keep[ in mind, you did tyhe BEST you could at teh TUIME with the tools you HAD. That is all a jack ass can do, the best he can to carry the load on his back. sometimes that load is too heavy.
We lose trust not only in THEM but in OURSELVES to judge who to trust and who not to. We will NEVER trust them again, but we must learn to TRUST OURSELVES again. I am slowly learning that as I take baby steps to rid my life of people who are toxic to one degree or another. I am learning to ACCEPT those that though I would LIKE a closer relationship with them (like you and your calls 3 x a year son) but I realize that THEY DO NOT want more relationship or closer to me, by the way they ACT they are indicating that. And I need to learn to accept those boundaries. My first cousins have a distant relationship with me, and not having any other first cousins, I would LIKE a relationship with them, but because of teh family turmoil and the fact that they do NOT get it, have learned to cope by “pretending it didn’t happen” etc. the relationship is always going to be one of “polite distance.” I can’t change that.
Because one half sib of mine is a P, and the other two do not want a relationship with me (truly don’t know me but were poisoned against me) I must accept that. I can only look at the actions of these people to see how they regard me. Disappointing, but I have to respect their boundaries (though unsaid).
Other people in my life that supposedly “love” me but treat me with disrespect (or treat others with disrespect) or are drama queens, I am setting boundaries with these people by in one way or another distancing myself from them. I expect them to respect MY boundaries.
I am very sorry that you have a P child, and also a “distant” one, but that is the FACT, and that is what is so difficult to deal with and ACCEPT the facts, not continue to grieve over what is NOT, grieve over what we WISH was.
Expectations vs. reality not being equal is what makes us hurt. We have to accept reality and adjust our expectations. Reality is NOT going to change to meet our expectations.
I hope that I have walked this road before you will comfort and support you to realize that there is peace out there, there is acceptance. Sure it is the biggest thing you have ever gone through, because you NEVER EXPECTED your child would turn out to be a monster or that one would not want a real relationship with you.
You might gently confront the one that “calls” and see if this is really what he wants, but I suspect it is.
But Tilly, you are NOT alone. I wish I could put my arms around you and tell you this will pass (and it will) but you will lhave to settle for a cyber (((hug))) and my prayers. Love Oxy
I’m feeling like I miss so much not being here as often. I miss out on what’s going out in everyone’s lives. I was reading back to April 20th to henry’s and kindheart’s posts and wish I could have offered support too. So I will do it now.
Henry, it sounds like you are (were) beating yourself up for still having feelings about the S. I don’t have a skillet like Oxy’s, but how about trying the approach of being extra loving to yourself when going through this, and putting the anger where it belongs, on the person who betrayed you? Even a year after my brief affair with the sociopath, I still occasionally hear a song and start crying. I wonder where that comes from. I think it’s just because we are human. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you–you are just being very hard on yourself. We get so used to thinking we’re flawed when we’ve been abused for so long. I think the self-beating is where the depression comes from.
On another note, I don’t like to take anti-depressants. They usually only help for a short time. However, I found some supplements called 5-htp that seem to help a lot without any side effects. They are also used for weight loss, and it does have a slightly appetite suppressing effect. But they’re supposed to be all natural, so you won’t get the toxic effects to your liver.
Kindheart,
You are sounding so much stronger and self-possessed to me than a few months ago. I know you are still hurting. Your questions of how your ex could leave you for the new woman are a good way to access the deep pain you have about it. Ask the question and try to answer it as honestly as you can what you think is wrong or missing in you. Hopefully, your answers will lead you into the pain of why you think that way. As Oxy says, going through it is like giving birth. For me, it has been unbelievably painful and has turned my life upside down. But the things that used to bother me don’t bother me so much any more. The unexamined pain is what fuels all the addictive behaviors and obsessive thoughts.
Stargazer–
Do you think that once some pain is examined– some of our obsessive thoughts will go away?—– I so hope that things that bother me now– will not bother me in the future for this is unbearable.
You guys– I am not on the pity pot– I just need to say– that I have lost soooo much it is phenomenal. Things that a person is not even supposed to lose either. And I am 39 and 1/2. I feel there is no way to recover. ANd…. with the grief, depression, loss and change of all my statuses– I am in too much pain at times to recover. I basically own the clothes on my back and do not know right now month to month how I will make my car payment. And the doc bills all from the aftermath/shock. and yet I miss the peson that conned me and pulled the rug out?
Akitameg,
Did you ever see the movie “What’s Love Got to do with It?” This is the Tina Turner story. When she left her abusive husband, he took everything. She said all she wanted was her name. I don’t recall how old she was but she rebuilt a life for herself. I know you are a singer, too. You still have your voice, even if you aren’t connected to it right now, and it’s something you will always have. I’m 48, so I can tell you it’s not too late for you to start a new life. It is never too late.
Yes, I do believe the painful obsessive thoughts are fueled by pain that has not come into your consciousness yet. You are still grieving. There is no time frame for it, as long as you don’t try to avoid it through distractions. I have found that after the pain has been cleared, sometimes the old thoughts still come up out of habit. But it is easy to chop them off like chopping off the heads of tall weeds with a machete IF the original trauma has been resolved.
There is also a biochemical effect depression has on the body over time. I have been going through it too, and found that some supplements that I mentioned before (5HTP) are giving my body a little serotonin blast that is much needed after a prolonged depression.
Meg,
It has taken about a year for me, and I only dated my S for 2 months! Please have hope for yourself that it will get better. Do whatever you can to hang on during this time. When you feel hopeless, it is the depression talking. This will probably be the most painful thing you will ever go through. Please stay with it. What you are doing is having faith at a time when you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It takes courage to face this. And you are not alone. We are here with you every step of the way (even if we’re not around as often as we’d like to be.)
Stargazer– just got your posts. Thank you.
In my case- I donot think it is solely the depression talking–
I truly don’t want to be here anymore. That’s not good.
SEeing that shrink again on Monday, but who cares. He cannot change my past or get me my life, my voice, my job, my energy or my dog back either.
To think–
tomorrow is MOther’s Day. I wonder if my ex was able to get his exwife back. They have a six year old. I saw little instances where it looked like he was trying to get her back– but he would tell me I was nuts. I was right on. And now I have nothing. This is living hell.
Meg,
I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can’t. I have felt suicidal so many times in my life and thought the same things. I guess I never checked out because then there would be NO chance things would ever get better. But as long as I’m alive, there’s always the chance. Then along the way, I have found little things to live for. I wish with all my heart you could find one reason to want to live, even if it’s knowing that we care about you here, because WE DO. Is it selfish of me that I want you to keep trying? Your post makes me so sad. Don’t let this guy win, Meg.
Meg,
Please, please, find a reason to live…..Call 911, call a friend. PLEASE don’t stay alone when you feel like this.