By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Akitameg:
“You may be tired, things may seem dark, but remember: It is always darkest just before dawn”. When you are at your weakest, that’s when God’s strength will rise up in you.
“This too shall pass”. God does not intend for any of us to live in pain and despair for the rest of our lives. He wants to pull you through it.
“Unto everything there is a season.”
What you are going through is a “season”. It will not last forever.
Blessings to you, Akitameg. Stay strong.
Stargazer– and Witsend–
just reading your posts now. Yu wrote over two hours ago.
I went and watched Animal Planet and some of the Sopranos– gosh– they are all S’s on that show.
Thank you so much for your concern and empathy
Gazer (Stargazer)– I feel as if this guy has already won. And then– to boot– the day– literally– that he discarded me– he inherited millions of dollars and a multimillion dollar business– that he never put any energy into. So didn’t he win? I lost everything and he gained everything in the same few minutes. And we were in the same relationship?
Oxdrover,
My youngest son makes up for all my children. He is amazing! He talked to me today about psychopaths and how he can pick them a mile off and how he knows what to do with them because he has watched me be abused all my life. He was absolutely insightful.
I didn’t approach the issue of his sibling’s being that way as that is too delicate yet.
I have confronted my middle son twice ever. The last time was four years ago (the last time I saw him). We were both in my youngest sons room and know one else was there. I asked him “Is everything alright between us?”
He said, “yes, of course it is mum, I’m just busy, thats all.” and gave me a brief hug.
The time before was a few years earlier. I asked him something by email and as usual no answer. It wasn’t urgent. I texted him and emailed him and called him constantly for two days. I finally rang from a private number and he answered. He snarled “don’t ever do that again mum”. So I never have.
So I know you are right. He has no interest in anything but the duty, at all. It hurts my younger son too. As he doesn’t make an effort for him iether. I don’t know if he is a psychopath or not. I hope not. But I know he would have a lot of trouble maintaining intimacy with anyone… since he was brought up just by his psychopathic father from the age of 12.
I got through the lunch ok.
My mother is devastated that she can’t torture me anymore. God did she try!!! I am exhausted with a splitting headache but I did not bite….not once!
My dad tried a few times but seems more interested in gratifying his narcissitic traits now than torturing me.
My son and I left unscathed.
Dear Tilly,
Well, at least you have ONE CHICK that gets it! I think that has been my salvation. there was one time that my oldest ons, a biological son, was so entrapped by his P-wife and alienated from me, that I felt he was just as lost to me as my P-son, I only had my adopted son for comfort, but he was sooooo much support and comfort. Now that my oldest son’s wife tried to kill him (in concert with her BF) two years ago and he got away from her, he moved back home about 6 months ago after being gone out of state for a year and a half, and I am closer to him than ever. He is also recovering.
We three are. I went NC with my egg donor as she still supports th eP son who tried to murder me, blaming it all on my DIL and her BF (an ex convict friend of my P son’s) I only deal with her by e mail and mail, because I have no desire to have to even “avoid” arrows and slings or pretend that “all is lovely” when she is JUST AS TOXIC as my P son.
What is the BENEFIT of even speaking to these people? None that I can see. For me, just realizing WHAT they are, then realizing that I do NOT need or want these TOXIC people in my life, that they have no love or concern for me, so NC is the answer for me. My egg donnor has not given up that I will eventually “give in” even if it is a “death bed” reunion…but I will not be at her death bed, or her funeral. She is of no concern to me at all. I no longer feel guilty for “abandoning” her (and I am her only child) but as longas she refuses to acknowledge her lies etc. I will not have a relationship with her. At 80 yrs old, I doubt that she will. She is hoping though, that I will change and go back to “pretending” none of the horrible things she did to me happened….but they did. that keeps me NC.
Oxdrover,
You are an amazing woman!! I’m not sure if you are aware of it or not, but can you see how your experience can benefit others? You have kept your faith through all of these horrific events, and are a bright shining star. I have been wondering, or I should say, have been fearful, that all of this trauma has set me up for a personality disorder from the brain being in a survival mode for so many years. We are survivors indeed, but I suffer from PTSD as a result of living in the war zone for so many years. I find myself feeling guilty for getting into this mess – the dysfunctional family, 2 marriages that were abusive, etc. I am also, for some reason, not feeling safe all of a sudden on LF – being uncomfortable being so vulnerable. Not sure what that is all about, but I want to work through it rather than running away to be safe. I remember reading other posts occassionally with people with the same fears. Is this just part of healing? Please help.
Dear Housie,
Sugar, I am just like everyone else here, struggling, day by day, one day at a time, to find sanity and keep it. To find peace and keep it. I too have PTSD, and I got therapy for it (Rapid Eye movement therapy) and it helped a LOT. Here the last few days however, I have been having some anxiety, but at least I can recognize WHAT IT IS, and start to sort through it. Night mares, first of my P-son suddenly appearing in a dream and pinning me up against a wall (or something at my back) with my egg donor standing there, and just as he was going to shove a knife into my gut and disembowel me, I woke up!
So no matter how we think we have made progress, there is always something (I think) down at the bottom of this abyss that is STILL THERE inside us, so it behooves us to keep on WORKING hard to stay on the right path. I still struggle, some days more than others, to think and act in a healthy manner, and to try to take care of myself….the worst ‘sin” I have I think is that I will put others before myself. I have apparently been doing this lately, so I am getting up today with a NEW RESOLVE to put myself first. To take care of me.
A resolve to keep on learning, to keep on growing and keep on PRACTICING what I know is right. Just like people in AA we have to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, and we have to guard ourselves from “falling off the wagon.” If we do “back slide” we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start back! I don’t think I will ever be free of the need to work hard at staying on teh RIGHT path, just like an alcoholic must fight daily not to drink, I have to fight daily for myself….but it does get easier MOST OF THE TIME, but some days it will be hard again, but I will keep on trucking. that is the answer I think. Never to get “cocky” and think I am absolutely OK. Just enjoy one day at a time, and like Fleeced Ewe said on another thread, the problems of each day are sufficient until that day, don’t borrow worry and trouble from tomorrow. (((hugs)))) andprayers, I am glad you are here, Housie!
Dear Housie,
I get that too…it is definitely PTSD! I get it all the time, believing that one of the P’s will find my only source of refuge and use it against me. I am glad someone else gets it as I know my paranoia can become excessive from having had so much abuse thoughout my life. The best thing you can do is just think “whats the worst that can happen?”
Well, i know i would say I am Housie if it helped in a court of law! lol! xo
Dear OxDrover,
I have had a period of ten years or so that I went no contact with my P parents…i.e.hen the solicitor destroyed me and took everything . I went paranoid and had a break down. I’m not sure how I ended up back in contact with my parents, except that my P daughter arranged it.
Because my mother and father abused me physically, emotionally and mentally, SO badly, and because she had me so enmeshed with her guilt trip (“you are my legs, you did this to me, its all your fault that I’m a paraplegic” etc.), I had a lot of guilt that was very deeply entrenched. It is very important to me that I NEVER EVER feel guilty towards them FOR ANYTHING. Right now I don’t feel guilty. I am hoping she will die soon. (I prayed that prayer from age five). And I’m sure that that is why she is the longest living paraplegic in Australia!! lol.
What I’m trying to say is, if they die tomorrow, I have no guilt. They spent their entire lives, ( from when I was a baby), blaming me for everything. And I bought it.
I see them briefly on occasion (supervised in public) for ME. To make sure I do not feel guilt when they die. As the guilt consumed my life even though I was an innocent child at the time.
Funny though, as I am telling you this, it doesn’t make sense. Its like I am SO AFRAID that I will be made to feel guilty that I go see them in case they are going to die tomorrow. I will not be there for them on their death bed. And once they die I intend to make the NC rule with my brother. Although I usually only see him on Christmas Day as it is.
Yes, Oxy, you are right! maybe I have grown out of the “guilt thing”. It was installed in me at a very young age and with a great deal of violence so I have to be careful.
Thankyou for this insight. I will definitely be reviewing my “visits” to the two Ps. Maybe I don’t have to run this gauntlet anymore. It is like getting a tour of Hitler’s torture chamber everytime I see them. xo
OxDrover and Tilly,
Thanks for the encouragement. I am so greatful. EMDR is what you are referring to, OxDrover. My daughter has gotten therapy with this method and it changed her life. She said, just like you, that the events can not have changed, but how she views them does. They don’t carry the emotional impact on her. What do you mean by your egg donor? Excuse me for being so uninformed. I have had to learn the lingo on this thread. It’s kinda fun.