By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
No more,
I second Kindhearts post to you… It is spot on…and if anyone can prove no contact is the way and can accomplish letting go and looking to the future…its Kindheart. Her journey is as raw and real as it gets. Her honesty and openness in her posts have helped so many see their S/P/N’s truth through her pain and confusion.
Kindheart — well said!!
After I ended it with the P in my life, he called our daughter and asked for my address, saying he wanted to send me some money. I don’t want ANYTHING from him. There are some ways he will do this. Since he is living with a woman in her home, I doubt he will want me to have her return address on the envelope since I may contact her – (her therapist told her he was a Sociopath), or he may send a check, which I WILL NOT cash, or he may send cash, which I doubt, since there would be no hook in that. If he sends a check with no return address, I will tear it up. If there is a return address I will put on the envelope “Return to Sender”. It helps to use this writing tool to process my thoughts. Oh groan!
I dreamt one night that I was chased by a vampire in a long cape……though he had plenty women friends it was important to have me.
I ran until i was out of breath i went into the light as i was in the dark when i encountered him in my dream. To my shock horror he crossed over into the light and held on to my chain with a cross and told me to take it off.
couple days after i met this handsome man who looked like the man in my dream he told me to take off my chain with the cross on so i said wow!
i told him about the dream with the man that looked like him who chased…. me like a fool i gave this man a chance in my life he did everything to me a psychopaths would i was so torn i was ashamed!
I felt used abused chewed up spit out… now im almost three months free from him…now and again i have nightmares about him chasing me.
I witnessed him looking up his 17 yr old daughter’s skirt and to my horror she likes it…both of them teamed up in the end and did the most cruelsome things to me…i almost thought they were planing to kill me….but thank god i survived.
housie:
If you can get money out of a sociopath, I say grab it. But, don’t give him your address — open a post office box and let him send it there. Doing that may very well drive him bonkers, since you’re controlling the situation.
Thank you so much learn for the vote of confidence. Im certainly not out of the woods so to speak as im still hurt and obsessing a bit but i know what is real and it’s hard to admit but the fantasy or illusion is so strong that it is going to take a while for it to fade and i know the only way to get REAL is to stay in the no contact. I read somewhere that we are prone to malignant optimism and that has been the case with me for sure, giving the s bottomless credit for nothing her deserved. Hard pill to swallow is the pride. Admitting that he never loved me when i did acrobatics to please him , more than i ever gave my deserving ex husband. This has definately been a hard lesson in life one that i hope never to repeat. I have a young girl coming by tomorrow morning , a sort of go between from my insurance company and my job. Im hoping to get back to work a bit as i have way too much time on my hand and i want to feel productive. I’ve been through alot of adversities in my life losing my mother to alcoholism at age 50 , divorce, i will get through this as well . Im not sure what to tell this girl tomorrow, why im off from work, it’s all so complicated and i know she wouldn’t understand, so thank god for this site as it’ s the only place where i get the validation and support i need on a day to day basis. I had a nightmare recently where the s was throwing money at his meth addicted daugher and i was livid as he was wasting it and i was picking some of it up. I was furious as he had been so cheap with me. It’s int how our dreams come out and i can sure see what bothers my subconcious in my dreams. I had nightmares when i first quit drinking that i was drunk and couldn’t get sober and wake up so i know it’s all normal in the early phase. This truly is guys an addiction in every sense and i hope someday i will look at him the same way i look at alcohol with a healthy fear of ever even taking a drop. love kindheart.
kindheart48:
Malignant optimism. Good term.
Today I was discussing the S, yet again, with my therapist. He asked me if I thought S loved me a “little bit.” For a moment the “malignant optimist” in me wanted so desperately to glom onto that thought.
Then I realized that if I bought into that fiction and engaged in that emotional dishonesty, I would be setting myself back to square one. So, I told him “no”. My therapist then said “even at the start of your relationship with S?” And I told him “the answer is still no. I now realize that S wasn’t capable of love and the only reason he told me he loved me was to get his hook into me.”
Malignant optimism, indeed.
Kindheart 48:
I feel you pain and relate to the history of a 17 year merriage to a decent man, followed by a horrible relationship to a N/S. I often ask, how could I have been so blind to the manipulation, the lyes and the abuse? it was Malignant Optimism…as the Dr. Jekil Mr. Hyde would give me little morsels of reward for every loving, giving and trusting thing I did, only to be followed by cruel devaluation and discarding. It is horrible to think that I “traded” my husband that I loved at one time and was decent person for the malignant parasite that the S is.
When he told me he was diagonsed with prostate cancer and came begging, for me to take him back, I experienced what I think now is malignant optmism…I actually thought that since he was facing a dreaded dis-ease he would miraculously change….oh how I missed him and wanted to be there for him, but I held back. The hovering and surprise apperances continued even as I held no contact. I was doing so good until today….I responded, and what did I get? “I love you”, “you are the only one for me, I want to work things out”..blha, blah blah….to when I didn’t capitulate ….”I am seing another w who is taking care of my cancer needs and makes herself available whenever I need her…I have to talk to you tonight, after my dance lesson with (another w), oh and by the way, I want to be honest with you and tell you that (woman # 3) is arriving on the 1st from out of town to go to a doctors appt. with me since she’s a health care professional, and dont worry I might have her sleep in the spare room, and by the way….I need to know right now if you really love me, because if you do, will you take care of me while I go through a chemical castration during my radiation therapy. Hurry up and tell me now….I love you”! puke!!!!! and more puke!!!
this was ther result of my malignant optimism, and my breaking the No contact rule. The only comfort I feel is in knowing that he will be “punished” with the chemical castration that he is facing to cure his cancer, however temporary…and I had nothing to do with this. this is the Karmic law serving him what he deserves because he is the biggest lier, cheater and user of women I have ever encountered in my life.
thanks for letting me vent all.
Aeyleh, reading your posts i was wondering , did you leave your husband for the s. My husband left me before i met the s and i had no idea men like this existed, i was so naive i thought , i’ll just find another one like my husband. Fast forward 6 years of pure misery. I had a guy call who just got back from Florida tonight , he has been calling while in Florida over the last 4 months and seems like a decent guy but here s the thing, im so not in a good place as i have not been in the no contact for long and to be perfectly honest how can anyone live up to the illusion i bought into. I still have not completely smashed that illusion and im not interested at all in anyone at the moment. In fact im so dam worn out from all the abuse i’ve taken that i can’t beleive it myself. If for no other reason these parasites are bad all around for our health. I’ve put myself through pur e hell over time with breaking the no contact rule etc. and now im paying the price only the damage has gotten more significant the older i’ve gotten. Im mad at myself for putting myself through all this torture over and over again and it scares the hell out of me to see the toll it’s taken. I just hope i haven’t done permanent damage and it can’t be understated how toxic these people are to caring , loving, feeling people. I hope mine gets what he deserves as well but without any feelings he seems to be spared the health problems. I wish i could find some enthusiasm to even want to meet with this gentleman but i have to be honest and say im too burnt to be bothered. What is that saying with the narcissist, they get to take the last bow or final curtain as they have acheived what they wanted all along and that is to drain us dry. My s eats only crap, not a veggie or fruit in the 6 yers i’ve known him. Thinks he can orchestrate his own death, wants to die of a heart attack quickly and not suffer as yours . Coward through and through. I don’t know how he’s existed this long with the chain smoking , eating habits etc. but they are not human so they don’t stress like we do. I don’t think my exhusband would have on his worst day treated me like this loser did on his best. But like you they know how to keep you baited , they’ve played the game their whole life and know all the tricks. We have been with genuine men that didn’t play games . I hope they get theirs back ten fold in time. They turn on a dime and it goes against humanity . The pain they cause is neverending and the only way to avoid it is to ignore them. Not much consolation for all that we’ve given but a waste on them. Im the most forgiving person i know and that made me so suseptible but if there was one person i would not save in this world, it would be him. love kh
Aaeylah:
Are you sure your S really has cancer? If it were my ex-S, unless I personally spoke to his oncologist, I wouldn’t believe it if he told me that he had cancer. And even if he did, the first question I would be asking myself is what is he looking for from me? These creatures aren’t above using a disease like cancer to run their pity plays.
Matt, rereading your post earlier . Wonder if you ever have the crazy thoughts of why wasn’t i enough an dwhy did he need these other women, crazy thinking like that. Truth is i know the answer, we are just sources of supply, interchaneable and they will use us whenever we give them the chance. I keep thinking that he must love this new woman and never loved me , insane thought s but i have to be honest. I guess i just want some reassurance that it’s not me from you guys. Funny but it never ever crossed my mind with my ex husband that his new wife he loved more. Isn’t that strange. I know he loved me at one time and that is all that matters and i wish him no ill will at all. Such a difference between these two men it’s almost hard to phathom. I literally did a 180. mayb e in time it will not matter when im feeling happy. His last exwife told me he could fall in love as quckly as out of love. I don’t think he loves at all. kh.