By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Kindheart,
A better question to ask (rather than why did he cheat on you) is why did you try so hard to please someone who treated you so badly. This question puts the focus back on you and how you participated in this pattern with him. How is it that you didn’t recognize the signs of abuse and exploitation or that you rationalized them and accepted them? And why do you find yourself re-creating relationships where you are either trying to please someone who doesn’t care about you, or trying to rescue those types? In order to find the answers to these questions, you have to first recognize and stay away from these relationships. How are you doing with NC? I haven’t been around for a while.
Dear Aeyla,
I understand your need to go back to your “group” and not give up something that is important to you. My X=BF-P is also involved iin a living history group, that though multi-state is a “small community” that is reasonably close. He shows up at certain events that I go to (though here recently haven’t gone to for other reasons) but I know if I go there is a chance to run into him.
What I do is what I call the “potted plant” routine. I treat him just as if I walked into a room and there was a potted plant in the room. I treat him the same way I would “treat” that potted plant. I might actually “notice” it, but I wouldn’t nod to it or say “hello” I would just see it with my eyes but NOT respond in any way. I wouldn’t even acknowledge its presence. Since all Ps are very much Ns and WANT TO BE NOTICED even negative attention is better than NO attention which drives them crazy…this is quite effective.
I would also suggest that if others try to tell you what is going on with him, I would say to them, “I don’t care to discuss Sid’s affairs.” Then change the subject to something else abruptly. I think as long as you listen to the gossip about what is going on with him, you are still “renting him space” in your head. Your (and his) “friends” that bring this gossip are simply trying to keep the “chit stirred,” so this way, you can cut it off at the ROOT. As far as what you tell others (that might get back to him) I would also be very careful and assume that anything you tell these “drama queens or kings” WILL get back to him, because, believe me, he IS STILL very interested in what is going on with you.
I’m glad you are doing better after your encounter with this psychopath. The best revenge is a good life! I know that sounds trite, but it really IS TRUE. (((hugs))))
What a journey this has been! It is so reassuring to be in this wonderful support place of recovery, life and peace. Although it has only been 5 days since I told the p in my life that this wasn’t working for me, I know I have already moved from Denial to Acceptance. I spent years in denial even after I had been to Wellspring (an in-patient treatment facility for people who have been in cults or cultic relationships) in 1996. I still needed deprogramming from this man I met on the beach at Waikiki in 1967. I was 19, coming from a home with mentally ill parents, and very vulnerable.
It’s funny – as I look back, it is as if a million memories flood back, one after the other. I have been literally DELIVERED from this Psychopathic monster. It is amazing to me, and very sad, that it took me 42 years to extricate myself (THERE WAS NO SELF), from this frickin’ predator. He literally raped my soul. I know I can’t try to understand how he could be that way because I am using a rational mind to try to understand this. I want to beat the shit out of him – slow torture variety. He has been going to AA for 26 years, however I lived with him for 25 years and NEVER saw him drunk or smelled alcohol on his breath. In the Big Book of AA it states that alcoholics of this variety (psychopaths) never make a decision to recover. He pretends to be this star in recovery showing the paeons how to live sober with honesty and humility. Can you imagine the damage he is doing to sick newcomers who are attracted to a guru who has all of the answers?
Then he just got a job at the VA helping homeless vets and victims of PTSD. I fear for them. He is living with a woman who he has lived with while he was still married to his second wife. Oh, he dumped his second wife, whom he met in a singles support group at a nice Nazarene church in Arizona, in a nursing home and left her. She had Multiple Sclerosis and he had used all of her money she acquired as a result of her disability from being a school teacher. He is now living with a woman he moved in with before his divorce was final from the woman with MS. He has stayed there rent free for 5 years. Her therapist told her my ex is a sociopath and she still lets him live there. The story goes on and on, and I don’t want to waste any more time on the drama today. I believe we can’t see until we can see and we cant hear til we can hear.Our psyche has to be ready or we would perish. Some days I am strong, some fragile, but with the help of Al-Anon, a good therapist who is doing EMDR and a great Christian family, plus all of you, I am able to move forward and help others who are experienceing the same trauma.
Aeylah,
I have wondered what Heroin addiction must feel like, because for 18 years AFTER the p (ex of 25 years) left, I went through withdrawal EVERY day. I was told when I went into treatment that being with this personality disordered creature affects the neurons in your brain, and creates new pathways. I am so amazed that although I went through tx in 1996, it has taken me another 13 years (even though he was only back in my life for a little over 4 months) to be free of this. I love the “potted plant” suggestion. The only difficult challenge I am now facing is that every time I am around my children,I get that gut feeling that I am “getting him on me”. I suppose this will pass with time. It is so encouraging to hear from you, as I can really relate with your story.
Dear Housie,
I am so glad that you have managed to get yourself into such a healing mode…I had PTSD after my husband died in an accident that I witnessed, and got PTSD pretty badly, I did th eEMDR a cople of years later and it helped me not only from the PTSD of the aircraft crash but also from wht I am sure was a different kind of PTSD from my P-son, my enabling egg donor, my X-BF- (a P) that I dated after my husband died (thought I had found a new soul mate, but he only wanted another “respectable wife” to cheat on) then the attacks from the Trojan HOrse Psychopath and my X-DIL P—seems like I am a P-magnent! I “swear by” EMDR. I am not sure HOW it works, or if it is placebo-effect, but by golly it does! That’s all that matters to me! I’m glad you are getting it.
For those of us who have spent a “life time” (decades!) with Ps around us and manipulating us it is the dawning really of a NEW LIFE.
I can only imagine your X in AA, what a power trip for him, especially if he isn’t really an alcoholic with any craviing for booze! I never thought about them joining AA for the power trip and the “glory” but when you think about it, there are lots of “dry drunks” (psychopaths) in AA and they are as toxic as any other P and sometimes I think more so. I have gotten to the place that I am somewhat leary of people in AA (though I know the vast majority are sincere) until I know them very well. I have been scammed somewhat by a couple of Ps in AA in the past, fortunately not badly, but does make me cautious.
I have made a “rule” though that anyone with a criminal record will not ever EVER be allowed into my circle of “complete trust”—I realize there are a few people that jail/prison has had a good effect on, but they are so few that I am not willing to take a chance by letting another one even remotely close to me where they could possibly hurt me.
Ditto with LIARS of any kind….not all liars are Ps but all Ps are liars, and since liars aren’t people I want to associate with on an intimate level, ALL LIARS are out after one shot! No second chances. Every time I have given an adult a second chance after the first lie, it has ALWAYS bitten me in the butt. NO MORE.
I think that because we have been vulnerable and caring and hoped people would “be nice” that the second and third and 100th chances we have given them have been used by them for their advantage, so we now need to closely look at what are “deal breakers” that will keep us from never trusting a certain group of people.
Liars, thieves, and Convicts are definitely on my list of NEVER TRUST THESE PEOPLE.
Ex alcoholics or drug addicts are in the VERY IFFY catagory–use a LOT OF CAUTION. I realize that will be “unfair” to a lot of sincere people who are working daily to kick their habits, but right now, I am LOOKING OUT FOR NUMBER UNO.
Frickin” frackin’…at least childbirth was done in a day or so – LOL!
I am SOOOOOO thankful to not have had children with my psycho. That would, indeed, be a living hell. I feel for those who are forced to continue to deal with these nuts…and the poor children.
My new life feels great; I can finally go to work, see him, and laugh. It really is the best medicine. But, what a waste of 2 1/2 years of my life. It was an expensive lesson, and therefore, a valuable gift. I learned, and he proudly stated that he didn’t – fool!
Hugs to all!
hye guys, going through some detoxing i feel. I weent to an AA meeting as i’ve been getting away and thought i need something quick as i was feeling like i was in withdrawal from th e s. He’s bought a duples so close to where i live and i have to see him at times when i drive by. I just don’t understand, the illusion is so strong and i know he has a new source of supply. None of it makes any sense, he rides an old style Harley and so does this new woman and im the banking type(was married to a banker) and have a cute convertible, so why do i keep thinking i want him, im not the bike r chick kind of gal. This is so insane at times and i just want to move on and other guys are interested but im not at all. any suggestions would be appreciated. Has anyone else not been able to see that they have nothing really in common with their s but still drawn to them. I am shortchanging myself so much, sitting obsessing over something that isn’t even good for me while he’s moved on . love kindheart
hey guys, the pain is so evident today it’s almost unbearable and i wonder if it will ever get better. Why does this have to hurt so much. The dream of what i thought he was (and seemed to be to me) even though i know he’s not capable it still hurts . I wish i could motivate myself to dating others but i can’t and yet i feel so stuck. I hate what this is doing to me as im missing out on life. I went and visited a gf today and her husband, i’m trying to reconnect with healthy people , but i won’t go out of my way to date. I have had offers but im not interested and it’s so unfair. He moves on to miss wondrful and here i am alone and in pain. I want to just snap out of this but it won’t happen. Had to see his dam truck twice now today , will this ever end. lov kindheart
I keep che cking to see if anyone is blogging as im in so much pain. I know it’s grief and i guess i have to go through it but it’s so hard when you are grieving something that you know is for the best. It’s all so dam confusing. I know deep down he’s toxic to me but im still feeling hurt and grief. Please tell me this is how i should be feeling and that it will subside. love kh
i was just reading up on anger and i know i should feel immense anger towards the p but i can’t at this moment, in too much pai. Looking back to when my mom was suffereing from alcoholism and i would get angry with her and then when she died so youngOage 50 , i was so full of guilt over the way i dealt with her drinking(i didn’t know about the disease aspect and just didn’t know how to deal with it) i think anger , suppressing it is such second nature to me. Even my ex husband who basically deserted me, i have trouble being angry towards him. I think im starting to see where not feeling anger has been a lifelong issue. I want to hate the s. as i know i should but im all over the board, so hurt right now and i want to beleive he cares but i know deep down he cares about nobody but himself. I’ve had alot of losses over the years and maybe i just didn’t take the time to get angry or i don’t know how to get there. love kindheart