By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Dear Kindheart,
The healing process IS PAINFUL, just like if you had surgery to cut out a cancerous tumor, it would HURT, and the “chemo” to kill any remaining cells in your body would make you “sick” and hurt….same with cutting the malignant toxic psychopaths out of your life. Hurts like hell…it isn’t fair…it hurts like hell…we whish we could snap our fingers and be healed….it hurts like hell….we don’t want to do the work….it hurts like hell…we want it to stop….it hurts like hell….IT WILL STOP EVENTUALLY, but you must go THROUGH the pain, you cannot go around it, over it or under it, you must go through the pain. You are going through the pain…just like labor pains…no way out….but you will survive, you will get better and the pain will stop….when? When it is done. No “time table” in terms of days, weeks, months or years, but it will decrease as you learn new methods of coping and the longer you are NC the easier it will get. Be good to yourself.
kindheart48:
I, too, spent a lifetime of suppressing anger, turning the other cheek, and all that other crap. On the rare occassion I let it out, it was so explosive and disproportionate to what I was angry about, I then felt guilty and started suppressing the anger again.
I now see that depression is suppressed anger. I’m finding that as I allow myself to get angry, the obsessing about S is starting to decline. I think it is because the anger is based in honesty. And that’s a big problem for a lot of us — because of bad parenting, bad choices, etc, we’ve all lived inauthentic lives.
I actually went something like 6 hours today without thinking about S. It wasn’t until I was running through the park with a friend of mine who commented on the gang-banger look (pants hanging low waist and lot of underwear showing) that I made some retort “the look came from prisoners without belts and too big pants. originated in prison. I wonder why S doesn’t wear it.”
Then I realized it making a comment about him only put him back in my mind. I think I’m finally starting to understand how physical NC ultimately becomes emotional NC.
Thanks Ox, yes it does hurt like hell and i’ve lost weight(no appetite) , feels worse than when i separated from husband . And Matt, i too like you when i get angry, get absolutely hysterical, out of control like the Tazmanian Devil flying around. But i only do this on rare occassions when under extreme stress etc. Glad to hear you went 6 hours, good for you. This has taken such a tole on me , even i can’t beleive it. Just want the pain to stop but i know i t too k me six years to get here so it won’t happen over night.
Dear Matt,
Yea, it takes physical NC a while to morph into emotional NC, but I think I am getting to that point now with my egg donor. Yesterday I had to talk to her on the phone about some business, but I kept control of the conversation, didn’t let it turn into a “social” one, kept it strickly business and each time she tried to make a “social” comment, I just kept silent until she went back to speaking about business. I didn’t comment on her comments that I didn’t want to talk about (like today being her 80th birthday) or some Jokes I made a few years ago that were slightly related to the business we were talking about. Just SILENCE. And, best of all, I didn’t get upset, didn’t get the gut crunch, didn’t get the chhoking in the throat, etc. JUST NADA. I am so proud of myself I could bust open! (“pat pat pat” that’s me patting myself on the back) Now that I seem to have gotten to emotional NC I realize I can talk to her if I have to and still keep control….that is a good feeling!
I won’t let her ambush me, and if she starts to get pissy, I will not even comment, just hang up. As much as I can I will continue to handle things by e mail but I think I have finally reached “emotional” NC with her—-good feeling! So hang in there! Love Oxy
oxy commented: I never thought about them joining AA for the power trip and the glory…
You are exactly right about P’s joining AA when they have no legitimate addiction. My x N/P conned his parents to fork out thousands of $ to send him to rehab for cocaine/alcohol abuse shortly before I met him.
He admitted to me that he never needed rehab, he had NO REAL ADDICTION TO EITHER- He was just out of a job at the time, and his x wife had been admitted to rehab a # of times, so he wanted to see what it was like. (also he recently had been released from jail fr domestic abuse, and needed the pity play obviously)
He commented, almost BRAGGING with that all too familar smug/arrogant/superior attitude of his that the 2 of them did drugs/drank together but SHE had a problem with it, he could always walk away from it.(WHY DIDNT I SEE HOW DISTURBED THIS WAS???)
Truly, the 3 years I was with him, I saw NO ISSUE with any addiction, (aside from PORN that I found out about at the end.)
I found books he kept from rehab with all kinds of womens phone #s, & suggestive letters. A host of admirers, including many men who clearly were in “awe” of this shining star, along with his followers who he became an “evangelist” to help save their troubled souls. Truly rehab for him was a narsassitic feast !
Dear Sabrina,
You know, no matter what I learn about these monsters, and I get to the point, I think I’ve seen or thought about all the ploys they use, then I realize here is one RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES that I didn’t see. LOL ROTFLMAO
Yea, since drug and alcohol addiction is a “disease” they can claim to be an addict and then “reform” and everyone has to “forgive” their bad prior behavior cause they did it while they were addicted. PUKE!!! It is just like ” joining the church”
to give them a “pass” on prior behavior before they were “saved” and “found Jesus”—-
I think the “addiction” to “dirty sex” or S&M etc is because since they don’t have an EMOTIONAL connection or bonding with sexual activity like “normal” people do, that they get bored and somewhat unsatisfied with it, so they get to where they want to try “new things” to some how get more “fun” out of sex.
I actually think that they know somehow that WE get something out of sex that they don’t (the emotional component and love and bonding) and they want it, but don’t quite know what “it” is so they keep thinking a new partner, or a new technique will get it for them.
Sabrina, you brought up an issue about AA and i agree it is a hotspot for predators both men as well as women. I was married the first time i sobered up and didn’t have to deal with the men too much but this last time over 5 years ago, left and right and i was so bloody naive but i am starting to see through and i have a male friend(addiction to sex at moment and dating site) has told me that in one particular rehab nearby they think anyone with a perversion is an alcoholic and he totally is oppossed to this, it’s a money making place with a Priest at one time who was using the money at the high roller table at the Casino in same town. Sickos everywhere i swear. I ‘ve noticed several women in the program as well who literally go from one man to the other in the program . I myself had a crush for years on a guy(fireman , blackbelt) and he preached alot of spirituality but eventually the blinders came off and im not saying he’s not a decent guy but he sure insn’t for me, annal , controlling type. Glad i didn’t get what i wanted then. Really makes me question my judgment but at least i saw i didn’t want him, hoping so much that the same will happen with the s. lov ekh
oh sabrina, i also read whre Narcissists like autoerotic sex(sill me had to look it up) and that is sex with an object , something outsid e themselves, prostitutes whatever. I also think mine had the Madonna Whore syndrom, i was the Madonna therefore not for sex , only the ones he picks up at the bars and from what i hear that isn’t even working for him. Mine was all a mind f*** and that was enough to keep me hooked, can’t still beleive that i forfeited sex for 5 years. I sure do deserve to me someone good if i don’t say so myself. haha
Hi All, Great article Oxy and so true and beautifully put. I have been living life. I have a nice guy from my childhood who has been giving me some positive attention, and I’m letting myself enjoy it without any expectation, just living in the moment not trying to analyze or control anything. Sort of just following his lead and looking for red flags like a hawk. LOL! He lives 4 hours away in my home area where I grew up, and I love the long distance. Keeps me on my toes and allows space to be guarded. I’m going home to see friends and he asked me to bring my daughter to meet his and we can all go fishing on his boat. Sounds like a nice time, and I’m going to do it. Can’t get romantic or complicated on a boat with two kids so Why Not live a little? Things with Mom have mellowed considerably since I threw her out and nobody would take her in. She is respecting my boundaries as best a 70 yr old woman with issues can. My current issue is my former stepdaughter. My ex has dangled her as bait to Grandma and each time my Mom has bitten he has withdrawn with lame excuses. Recently the child called my cell thinking it was Grandma’s number. I got a chance to speak with her and to let her know that it was never about her that she was precious and loved but that Dad used her to hurt me and that I felt he would continue to do so. She has been having her friends call my house after school to leave messages for us that she says hi and misses us. Yesterday my Mom saw her Dad’s truck at the office and stopped to see if his daughter could go out to yardsales with us. The child was there and wanted to come but dad had excuses. But the child was told in the presence of her father that we were all trying to see her and that we loved and missed her. Of course there followed a private conversation where my ex claimed that he never cheated on me that he is not intimate with his whore. That he had a vasectomy two months ago because he doesn’t want children but is not even sure if his man part works. Oh, brother. Like there is a man out there that would have surgery down there to prevent pregnancy when he hasn’t had sex in over six years supposedly and he doesn’t know if it works? Poor baby. Give me a break. That was said to get back to me because what it says is that me, his wife, who for 6 yrs was faithful and did without sex because it was dirty, gross, and only for baby making wasn’t worth any effort to fix his issues but the new gal of supposedly months but I know it has been much longer is so special that he would go to any lengths to please her. I know he expected me to call and just lose it over that. No call, no comment, I won’t say that I don’t care because that hurts. Her needs are okay, guess she got tired of hand holding and playing patty cake and wanted some sex, too. Guess that’s normal for her just sick and disgusting when it’s me wanting it. But at least Mom told him my life is going on and that I have this great guy crazy about me. Don’t know that it will ever be anything more than friends but it got to the ex to know that I’m not boohooing over him anymore. Knocked him down off his high horse. I just know that I don’t know him, never knew him, and won’t touch him with a 10 ft pole. And it is so funny to think that if it is true he spent money on desperm surgery when perhaps he should have invested in a pumper ur up surgery. That would be tragic! Karma at work maybe? So funny!
Dear Joy,
I’m glad things are going better for you at least emotionally. Glad too that your mom is respecting your boundaries more.
Seeing your X in order to see his daughter though may be in the end, counter productive, and keep him in your “head” and delay some healing.
As for your “long distance” friendship with an old friend, I suggest you be very cautious. Long distance romances have the down side that you have limited time to spend together so you have difficulty actually seeing them in many different situations over frequently being with them. Many Ps use long distance relationships to hook you because they can be “good” for a short time, and then you “fill in the blanks” when you are away from them….that’s why these cyber-paths on dating sites can hookk so many women (and men).
That “long distance” part really gives them a big advantage.
Your friend may turn out to be “prince charming” but don’t expect anyting until you SEE….and that means, I think, meeting others who know him well, family, friends, daughters, even x wife and plenty of TIME to really get to know him.
Well, as for the vascetomy,, at least your X won’t be spreading his toxic genes around! That’s a big + in my mind!