By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
Dear Kindheart,
Yes 5 years of NO SEX is traumatizing enough- much less the crazy making of a S along with it! You absolutely deserve a good guy in your life when the time is right!! I pray that you find that but keep training & researching so your boundaries are set in stone, and the “fear” of loneliness and all those demons in our head saying ‘we are not OK ‘ without a Man are squashed.”
Thank you and Oxy for your insight on the N/P. I think your info is dead on about their insatiable need for risky sex. My x led such a double life and kept his secrets so well hidden, I know the ONLY way I found out was that God granted me discernment.
At one point of such confusion, I prayed ernestly for answers, God said to me “You take care of Sabrina, and I WILL take care of (his name) ” Within 2 WEEKS, the heinous acts, lies, etc. was revealed to me and he was out of my house for good!!! This is 100% true!!!
The answer was there- I had only been living for the N/P not myself. When I “took care of Me”- what was mandatory to my safety,sanity, and quality of life- the P had no purpose or place in it! THe answer was so simple, and I couldn’t SEE it.
I am still puzzled at the fact that my x posted our WEDDING pix online internet date site to pick up women! When our pastor asked him WHY my pix, he said he did’nt know! Was he trying to pimp me out too????
At one point with my x we were joking around and he said his only known addiction was with sex, I was thinking it was a joke, and so niave, I thought he meant ONLY with me! I will from now on take ALL comments/admissions SERIOUS.
I agree so much with Oxy that staying away from men we know to have addictions is a must. Especially given the fact that we are “givers” in our nature, have a desire to help/fix others relentlessly, don’t easily give up on people, etc.
Also, in reading just alittle so far about the trauma bond- I can see where I have formed these bonds (in lesser degrees) with other relationships as well. Is this common (to have the propensity toward this) ?
Are we “prone” to form these in certain situations? Any thoughts on this, anyone??
yes Sabrina, i have been told over and over in AA to be careful what you pray for. I prayed every which way but loose but then i’d pick up the obession again with breaiking the N/c . What prayer would you suggest as im so dam superticious i want to pray for what i need . Wehn i prayed for him and his meth addicted daugher as i was told to do in AA becuase of resentments i feel it just kept me from being angry at them the way i should feel. Not sure what to pray for, just asking God to show me how to love and care for myself i guess. The trauma bond thing, i talked to mmy brother this morning, he has done so many things to me over the years and yet i feel this loyalty thing with him too as we grew up with my mom dying of alcoholism and i caught myself this morning asi i can tell he could manipulate me into anything , to get his love , and because i have compassion for him but i have to come first. love kindheart
S abrina , sorry didn’t get to wedding pic part. i have a theory, My s. has a picture of his first wife(now deceased) and he walking down the aisle(he in a cast and her holding him , arm around him of course all about him wehn he should hav e been holding her) and pictures speak a thousand words. Then underneath that pc he has their divorce decree framed. Then under tht a pic of he and second wife. (now moved on an happy thank God) so i think i’ts about attention. Depending on the situation if it makes him look good and a wedding pic would in his warped mind. They definatley don’t think like us and i beleive we are just trophys to them. Even though the s devalued me he knows i’m so out of hi s legue i know he would throw my name around if he thought it would make him look good. Such pathetic creatures and SHALLOW AS a mud puddle. love kindheart. hope this explains something Sabrina
Thanks Oxy, I think long distance works for me because I like my space. I had many moments over a three year period with my friend when we casually dated when I was in high school. He was a bit older and so normal that he lacked appeal to me in my youth. Now educated, decent, consistent, thinks of our kids and not just himself. All good stuff. Know his family, history, how he was raised all very all American normal, so different from me. If he were looking for just a booty call, he would not have asked me to bring my daughter to meet his daughter. She was not originally going on this trip. So I think of him as just a friend not really thinking he has an interest in being the boyfriend. But who knows. I obviously need stuff spelled out for me. LOL! I agree that the ex and his daughter muddy my waters some, but if I saw her as a means to her father that would be bad. I honestly am totally beyond longing for him as I know to the bottom of my boots that our relationship was never real. And if it were, it still sucked badly for me and was at least neglectful at worst abusive. I don’t want that. Never did but felt the Christian thing to do was to honor him and try to make it work. Divorced now and he cheated, if not sexually not for lack of desire, and for sure he cheated emotionally, sociopathic acting, which for me is just as bad or worse. If the child makes contact, I will accommodate her as long as she can respect my boundary of not wanting to hear about his life. She is innocent and God knows she needs good descent people in her life. But I’m betting the ex never lets it happen. He knows that I know what he is. No point in playing the game any longer with these players. And as to spreading his tainted seed. He is doing the world a favor. He has had no lasting contact with any of his daughters. Discard Mom and discard child. That is who he is and what he does. Don’t think he cares about the one he’s got beyond the fact that he took her from her Mom and that felt good. And she is a chick magnet because every woman loves a man that has a cute little kid just begging for a Mommy. Poor Dad raising her all alone, Blah, blah, blah,… At the the first encounters with every new partner listen very carefully. We are all most truthful in the beginning when little is invested, the bait has not been bitten, and the hook is not yet set. A little fishing analogy prior to my boat trip to keep reminding myself what to be looking for. LOL!
Dear Joy-Very insightful and valuable what u said-“At the first encounters with every new partner listen very careful.
We are most truthful in the beginning..”
OXY- Please add this to our mottos! Please feel free to post this over&over, at least for me, I NEED this drilled in my head !!
KH- Thanks for your response. hit home with me on the “makes him look good” re: wedding pix- maybe some sick twisted way- he thought women want what other women have. Rest assured- it was ALL about HIM whatever the reason.
Your question KH on what prayer to ask God? For me, all thru my life I have prayed for ‘discernment” -to see what is UNSEEN. God has granted this by allowing me to see drug/alcohol abuse in my 20 yr old son, and a host of other life threatening issues.
I sooo understand your concern of praying for the wrong things, or not knowing what to ask for.
When dating my x N/P I continued to pray “If he’s not the ONE, Please TAKE him away. Shortly after, (classic S trait) a BIG red flag would happen. I, being weak, would always take him back. Then I would niavely, stubbornly think- God did’nt take him away- HE must be OK with this!!!
Then I continued to be PUZZLED that God stayed silent in all my prayers. “I” wanted GOd to make like Hoodini and make this man disappear IF he wasn’t the one for me!
IF I had been studying the Word- many verses speak of God not being the author of confusion, against being double-minded, strife being rooted in evil. MY ANSWERS.
God’s ways are not our ways.
MY LIFE LESSON in this- God did GIVE me- almost IMMEDIATELY the knowledge (discernment) to CHOOSE what my heart already knew deep down (Be strong, leave this man) but my disobient flesh wanted what it wanted. IN short, I ignored God’s answers b/c it wasn’t what I wanted .
I definately don’t have all the answers, maybe none of the answers but I will pray that you are not only led in the spirit,but you dwell there.
I “got” my discernment /answers, I just didnt Use the knowledge. A more “honest” prayer at that time should have been “GOD I am staying with this man, There’s not much you can do to change my mind, so GOd help my stubborn ignorance in the fall out!
I may sound like I am beating myself up, not really, its just that we all have to accept that we make decisions daily that are paramount to our futures. I am not much on a victim mentality, so I NEED to see where “I” can be better next time, and be grounded in reality.
Dear Sabrina,
I have learned to not pray “for” XYZ to happen, but rather to pray, “God, I really want XYZ, but I don’t know in the long haul if it will be good for me or not, I ask you to LET WHATEVER IS BEST FOR ME IN THE LONG RUN to happen, and WHATEVER happens, I will figure it is what you want for me.” There is a wonderfully comforting verse in the bible that I love “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” You know, even my trauma with the Ps worked for my GOOD because I finally quit depending on my own wisdom and my own ability to “fix everything” and when I got to a point I realized I couldn’t fix the situation, I turned it over to God. When my egg donor started lying to me and gaslighting me, and the Trojan Horse Psychopath moved back into her house after first the judge threw him out of her house and she PROMISED he would not be back, I saw that as a FAILURE, but it wasn’t a failure—if he had not moved back my X-DIL (having an affair with him) wouldn’t have tried to kill my son (unsuccessfully thank God) and wouldn’t have gone to jail/prison. I also know that nothing NOTHING short of her trying to kill him would have shaken my son C’s vows of “for better or worse”—even after he discovered the affair, he was willing to “work it out”—-she however, decided murdering him would be a better idea and make it look like self defense….didn’t work out like she planned though and SHE went to jail for a felony charge. (along with her BF the TH-P)
So although I “lost the BATTLE,” God WON THE WAR! We don’t always know how things will turn out, and sometimes things happen that are on the surface “disasters” but in the end, they actually lead to something really positive that would NOT have hapened if the first “disaster” hadn’t happened.
Realizing this, I am now looking at things a lot differently, and my spirituality has actually grown exponentially. You are right, God’s ways are not our ways, and God’s wisdom is so above ours that I figure I am just going to TRUST Him to take care of me. “Tribulation worketh patience” and God knew I needed to learn some lessons. I’ve had them before but never “passed the class”—but I think this time I have “gotten the lesson.”
My late husband used to say “life is tough, first she gives the TEST, then the LESSON.” lol So anyway, I figure since I had to take “remedial” courses over and over because I didn’t get the lesson the first few times I had it, I think things will go much smoother now. I just appreciate that God didn’t give up on me since I was obviously a “poor student” and pretty hard headed up til now. I’m still pretty hard headed and pretty “uppity” for a woman in this part of the world (the rural south) but I’m a lot less hard headed now than I was. However, I do know that I am not going to let anything lead me off the road to healing….I will be watching for the red flags from NOW ON!
Dear Joy –
Chuckling away over here…the humor at the end of your post! So glad you are where you are with that creepo! You handle him beautifully now..and see how things happen where you were afforded the opportunity to tell the little girl how special she was to you and nothing was her fault, etc. Not by anything you did…but because she dialed you by mistake.
Sounds like she has a tough road ahead of her. She was very lucky to have you in her life..Im sure she cherishes you!
You seem to have a great perspective on so much now! And as long as you remain aware of the red flags AND ACT ON THEM, you can continue to set sail especially for a fun day with your friend and both of your kids.
This is my approach now…. Friends…Just friends…develop a friendship…go slow….very slow….incredibly slow… when someone cares enough about you…one can never go too slow. Trust yourself. Respect yourself. Enjoy every moment of just being in good honest decent company. No rush. Life is peaceful when you let it unfold without any fantasy around you…just reality and dreams!! Have fun!
Sabrina, yes i’ve been told that when you pray god will give you a garden but that doesn’t mean w e don’t have to weed it or something along that line. Im heading into anger today towards the s and his daugher, users is all i can thinkof takers, actually wish them nothing good. Think i have to go throught he anger and unfortuenatly i took alot out on my 25 year old and like you i suspect my 21 year old is headed for alcoholism but the only thing i can do is be an example, nothing worked for me until i hit my bottom and no amount of threats or talking would have done it for me. It is scary to think of the life he could be in for but i know there is nothing i can do but be subtle with honesty about alochol and drugs. I can’t beleive how i can flip from being kind and not being able to assert myself with the s and his daugher to absolutley wishing them dead. Anger has been the only thing that has enabled me to be in disernment as you talked about, to not have the magical thinking and to set boundaries. Wish the little bitch would call today but she won’t . They are the biggest users on the planet and i hope they get what they deserve. Nothing good in them at all. Just good cons , they should be very proud of their legacy both of them. Shame isn’t part of their makeup.
KH- I understand. On good days, my anger days “sometimes” catapults me into action, such as working on upcoming court dates on the domestic violence, or making calls regarding his forgery of my IRS check.
Sometimes I just “use” the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Other times, I wallow in my self pity,refusing to do anything productive. It feels like I have wasted so much time being too tired, too frustrated to deal with anything.
I too have fantasies that this lunatic gets what he deserves. It helps me since I found that the Lord has ALOT to say about evil people and how we should handle them. In Proverbs (around ch. 24) verses sounds exactly like it describes the sociopath, and our warnings on dealing with them:
Such as: Rejoice not when your enemy falls… A just man falls but rises up again,but the wicked fall into mischief. There shall be no reward for the evil man. The candle of the wicked shall be put out.Also, the chapter reads not to be envious of the evil men ,or desire to be with them for their heart studies destruction.
THere’s nothing we can know or feel about this evilness that God dosen’t have knowledge of. There will be restitution for any evil works.
I should also say- it appears that “they” always get away with whatever their evil hearts desire, but if we believe in the Word, this world is only temporal, there is a hereafter.