By Ox Drover
Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn’t endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years.
I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we are giving birth to a New Life, but this time, the New Life is within us, not separate from us.
Just as we had to labor with giving birth to our child, and just as that child was not capable at birth of caring for itself, we have the pain of the labor, and after the labor is over, even though we are still sore, we must nurture and care for New Life, which at first needs our total attention.
As the New Life, so fragile and delicate at first, requires us to completely care for her, and sometimes cries in a colic of her own that we don’t know how to comfort, nevertheless, we must continue to care for that infant New Life within ourselves. We must nurture this New Life and teach her as she grows to care for herself, to watch out for her own safety. In the mean time, we must watch out for the safety of New Life, keeping it away from the psychopath with No Contact. Even if she cries for contact, we must protect her from herself and her desires for things that are not good for her.
We must nurture and feed the New Life, and reassure her that she will grow and accomplish the things that she would like to do. So she can learn to walk upright in dignity and self-esteem, we teach her that when she falls and bumps her knee, she can still get up. We must teach her how to set boundaries and require respectful treatment from those around her. We also teach her how to love and trust others, but with reasonable caution about whom to love and trust. We must teach New Life not to trust blindly, because there are those in this world who will try to use and abuse her, but in spite of that, there are those who will love her tenderly. New Life must learn to spot the red flags of abuse and to avoid them, even in those people that she loves.
Teaching New Life so many things that she needs to know to keep herself safe from danger, and yet experience the wondrous joy of this world, will require much of our time for a while. Because at first New Life is so fragile, so inclined to hurt herself by approaching danger, we must monitor her continually, but as New Life continues to grow stronger and wiser each day, she accomplishes new heights in learning and growth.
New Life moves from anger and fear into reasonable trust and caution. New Life learns to smile and then to laugh and experience joy. New Life learns to love with total abandon, but not to let go of her healthy boundaries. New Life learns that she is worthy of love and respect. New Life learns discrimination and learns to reject those that would hurt her from within her circle of trust.
Then one day we realize that New Life, within us, is us. We learn that the fragile creature of New Life becomes out life! Becomes us. We are free from the pain and the trauma of the old us and have become the New Us, the wiser, the stronger, with confidence in ourselves to keep ourselves safe, and pointed to the future with a New Life.
I wish I could stop coming here, I want to move on from this lesson. I keep waiting for that day when I dont feel hollow inside. I look back on the whole episode of my life involved with X. I am past the grieving stage, the anger stage, I am having trouble with acceptance. I want to be angry at myself for doing what I did, for not paying attention to my gut feelings. I wasn’t desperate for companionship or a sexual partner when I let him into my home. I felt sorry for him. I was always uneasy around him. Early in the relationship I told him he needed to find another place and even offered to help with that. Then he would do the pity thing and say ‘But I dont want to lose you’ but I never felt love from him, I just felt like a big security blanket and I would comfort him and try to believe his words. It’s like he had some kind of power over me to take care of him, like I owed him that. He disrespected my home, and me, he threatened me one minute and would cut his wrist the next to prove how much he loved me. I have been dreaming alot about it lately. I think something else is wrong with me, depression or bi polar or something – how long does PTSD last? How could one low life piece of trash affect my life so much? I had a good day today with a friend, movie dinner etc. I never mentioned him, I dont mention him to anyone off this thread in fear of being boinked. He has left such a sadness in me, I am sad that I let him treat me the way he did, and I am sad that I wasn’t the wonderful savior he said I was, I am sad that he was a lie.
I”ve been reflecting on the whole anger thing these last few days, like you are talking about Kindheart. Oxy and others said some very good things about this subject on the Psychopaths get out jail thread. By the way, thank-you Oxy, I thought you expressed it very well (was going to write on this over there but a lot here fits).
I’m used to being such a sap in regards to h, that I’ve needed the anger to keep me with the right thoughts about who he really is, and to not give into the mushy mindless longing for…can’t bring myself to say, “for him” because in truth it should be: longing for what?, nothing real there!
Problem is I’m so well trained not to be angry, or not for long. Some of this is good — from trying to follow the Beatitudes (even here I’m not completey right because Jesus said, “he who is angry at his brother without cause is in danger” and I surely have cause); and some or a lot of not getting angry is probably a reflection of the unhealthy relationship I have with h and the lack of boundaries/ consequences.
I need to be angry, but not seething to where it eats me up. So been mulling this all over trying to get a handle on understanding the balance (not there yet). Oxy’s example about her fence is a good one. And reading the Psalms and thinking about God and His anger is helping me (like what you’re saying Sabrina). Justice and consequences have to come to play somewhere in all of this. Oxy got angry at the guys who destroyed her fence and insisted, I imagine, that they put it right. The anger brought action, justice. A Scripture in Romans comes to mind, “Behold, then the kindness and severity of God” (11:22). I guess, in thinking about the anger topic I’m seeing that God’s character can show us alot about it, because He gets angry and is a God of justice as well as mercy. The consequence/ action/ justice thing seems like a key thing in all of this — in handling anger properly. And after all, the only reason He can have mercy on us is because He satisfied His righteous anger already at the cross.
Well, with my h the consequences match the crime, really the cosequences are the fruit of what he has chosen and that is, that it is over. I’ve had to speak to him a couple times about finances and he’s already trying to worm his way back in. I can’t believe it, especially after everything that has transpired recently. I was fine after the first conversation but after the second my emotions started into the longing thing, only briefly though. I’d been thinking about how to be angry and sin not; so when this emotion thing started, the reflections upon what he’s DONE and that there has to be consequence kicked in and cut the stupid mindless knee jerk emotion thing off at the pass. I think linking the anger to it’s proper response — seeing his deeds and recognizing the judgment/ consequences that has to be, helped. I’d actually been thinking along thse lines already but it came quickly back to mind. I think what I’m trying to say, and rather badly, is that if my mind is trained in the direction of linking my anger to the consequences that must be, then rational thinking and acceptance of the break from the unhealthy relationship will trump the emotions. Let’s hope. It worked that way today. Sort of like resisting temptation. The more one does it the easier it gets.
It’s also been helping to see the relationship from the perspective of stangers who are appalled. My new therapist kept saying, everytime I tried to mention the emotional connection, “But it’s an unhealthy relationship.” Period. No more discussion that direction. Her words keep echoing in my mind — UNHEALTHY. No going back there.
Kindheart — as to your question about praying, others have answered better than I could , but I’ll add one thing that helps me. I’ve been reading through the Psalms by starting with the Psalm that has the same number as that day of the month — for today Psalm 19. I then add to 19 the number 30 getting 49, then 30 to that for 79, and so on. In this way you can read through the whole book of Psalms once a month. For today the reading would be Psalms 19, 49, 79, 109, 139. For tomorrow 20, 50, 80, 110, 140. It’s amazing how often a similiar theme comes through doing it this way. Somedays I don’t get to it, and on others I might not read through the whole batch, maybe even just read one Psalm. So many of the Psalms are prayers. I like to read them outloud. Anyway, I have found tremendous encouragement doing this, especially through my darkest times. There is so much there for dealing with one’s enemies and troubles.
Just today as I was praying about h’s lying abusive words I turned to Psalm 109 and read exactly how I feel about my situation. I hope no one minds if I share it, it fits so well what I’m going through. “O God of my praise, Do not be silent! For they have opened the wicked and deceitful mouth against me: They have spoken against me with a lying tongue. They have also surrounded me with words of hatred, and fought against me without cause. In return for my love they act as my accusers: But I am in prayer. Thus they have repaid me evil for good, And hatred for my love. … But Thou, O God, the Lord deal kindly with me for Thy name’s sake; Because Thy lovingkindness is good deliver me; For I am afflicted and needy, And my heart is wounded within me. …He stands at the right hand of the needy, To save him from those who judge his soul.
Thanks all for writing and listening!
I posted before reading your post, Henry. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s hard to fathom what devestation one person can do. I hope we can all get more answers as to how this can happen and how to really heal and move on. I just found out my former therapist diagnosed me with adjustment disorder — severe reaction to a life stressor, more than would be expected. That’s all well and good, as I’m sure, compared to others just getting divorced I am much more devestated. While I have no argument with the diagnosis, I guess I have a quibble with whoever defined this adjustment disorder. Are we comparing apples to apples? Someone in a relationship with a very disordered, manipulative, damaging person for all of their adult life?
Anyway, I feel for you and know the widespread pain this causes. Prayers.
Dear Nomore – Your post before reading mine was the lift I needed. Thank you.
I am in a good place, and I owe so much to this site and all who populate its caring community. I do adapt well to adversity. I thinks it is what made my life bearable for so many years with the ex. I used the knowledge that I was not the only intelligent caring person to ever experience this to forgive myself. I used the don’t take it personally approach to feel less anger at him. Snakes bite when they can! Period! I just daily reminded myself that he and us and what we had was never real. I have a very good imagination. He was in part my own creation. As to the future, God does move mountains and things happen when I let go and let God. And I need to do that more. I am very controlling and very controlled. I often feel that if I don’t do something nothing will happen, that I’m the only causative factor in the universe. I don’t think that, but I act that way. Now, I just want to ride the wave and not create it with force of will. I’m trying to become more of a responder less of a maker of happenings. Like with my friend, I don’t initiate contact. I respond to it. If I don’t hear from him first, I don’t write or call. And it is nice that daily he reaches out to me. I like that I’m not doing all the work here. I thank you Sabrina and Learned for your support and sharing. Kindheart embrace the anger. It will give you strength. I still have the angry moments. The hurt moments. They just have less power and duration. I needed closure and I will never get that from him, but I did get it with his daughter. She knows now and that is all I wanted was to make my peace with her and to let her know that I would go to jail to protect her that I will always be here when she is ready for me and that I’m sorry for the things I did and said that hurt her. She says that she knows that her dad hurt me and that she forgives me. That has given me so much peace, and it was never supposed to have happened. The ex thought it was my Mom’s number and never knew it was mine. He thinks he still has Mom conned. He knows that I’m a lost cause because I see behind the mask. I have a busy week, but I will let you know how my trip goes. I will feel you all there on the boat with me whispering wisdom and the wonders of healing. And if all is not so merry, I’ll climb back up in my apple tree and chat with napping Jim beneath it. LOL!
Henry, know that you are loved here. I look forward to the day when you come because you want to check on friends and not because you need uplifting. It will happen one day for all us God willing in his time. Until then as we stumble, we help each other to dust off the taint of lies and to embrace the love and support of friends along the road.
Hi guys- I have realy had a sleepless nite. Flash backs of multiple verbal abuse incidents w/ my x kept going thru my head.
Almost like a night terror, but true incidents that may have been regressed just popped into my memory. My jaw and entire body tense, as I try to calm myself through it. Good God, the mental torment of years with this man almost trumps the physical violence I endured with him.
I am convinced that you CAN NOT have physical abuse without prior mental abuse “conditioning” you toward it. The eventual physical abuse, I feel was eneviable considering these maniacs need more & more power/control, just as their risky sexual behaviors escalate to provide the high their warped minds seek.
Henry- SO sorry for your hardships. Mine too said “I don’t wanna lose you” consistently. Only guy that ever has used that and it stuck in my head as he said it sooo many times after his hideous acts when he was begging me back, just like you described. YOU SAID” Its like he said some sort of power over me”- my feelings exactly. His sense of entitlement for my things, my life, and arrogance to complain even with my charity, was unconcionable.
I am just now realising the depth of the abuse I was under. I am not yet in therapy, feel I have no time or money to invest now. Just taking anti depres. meds which are maybe helping.
Joy and NoMore- Both of your posts were exactly what I needed to reinforce God’s position against the evil we’ve endured. I feel He was specifically addressing P’s when describing the evil they possess. Thank you for elaborating on your views. Its good to know you are kindred spirits.
Its actually hard for me in some ways to post about God since my X used God sickenly to fake religion.
I don’t even like the word Christian anymore, It is used so loosely with these immoral idiots. I’d rather say “believer.”
Because of his contrived “christianity” ploys, I feel some may doubt my authenticity as well. But I realise that Gods word will always prevail even with these false prophets running amuck and If we, lovers of God, hide our light, we are cheating others of the opportunity to have what we have. Just as Henry said, you also lifted him up! What a beautiful thing! Thanks for listening…
Dear Sabrina,
I am so sorry you had a bad night, but to go back to the analogy of the New Life, it is like the baby with colic, and all we can do is to nurture her and assure her that we will take care of her.
My egg donor had terrified me of God by the time I was a very young child, I envisioned him as this angry old man just waiting to burn me in hell fire if I slipped one tiny bit and wasn’t perfect.
I knew I couldn’t BE perfect—-I was told that if I didn’t “forgive” others I would burn in hell fire—but forgiveness was DEFINED as “pretending it didn’t happen” and giving that person another chance at hurting me….
That concept, which I accepted as IMPOSSIBLE TO DO made me feel that I could NEVER PLEASE GOD, so therefore I was already doomed to hell fire and brimstone.
Now, I realize that my egg donor’s concept of God is totally skewed and wrong! God is not about retrobution, God is not about punishment, God is about LOVE. Forgiveness is not being a fool, forgiveness is not even about the other person, it is ab out us, and getting the BITTERNESS out of our soul about things people have done to us, but it is NOT ABOUT TRUSTING THEM AGAIN, or giving them an opportnity to do it again. In fact, there are several passages in the Bible, some in the words of Jesus himself, and the apostle Paul, describing NO CONTACT with repeat offenders who show no true repentence for the acts they have done.
The story of Joseph, who had forgiven his brothers for selling him into slavery, still did not TRUST them when he saw them again and TESTED them to see if they had changed during the years he had been away from them, before he even told them who he was.
I realize now that the Bible is filled with God’s LOVE and that those that are “false prophets” do twist this, just as Jesus said they would. They are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” almost literally, they cover themselves with the OUTWARD APPEARANCE of holiness, but inside they are DEAD and EVIL. If he was not describing a psychopath, I can’t find a better description than that one! On the site on the web (at least one site) where the psychopaths go to gloat over what they do to us (yep, isn’t that sick? they have a support site just like LF for us, where they go to GLOAT!) anyway, they refer to us as “sheeple”—-and I guess in a way we WERE sheeple, but we are WISE TO THEM NOW and we will not ever allow them to do this to us again., Or any other psychopath, because we are learning the RED FLAGS they display. We are not living in terror, but in CAUTION and good sense. Taking care of ourselves, putting ourselves first.
The Bible says we should love others AS we love ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves FIRST, how can we love others? Loving yourself is OK, IT IS GOOD. God expects us to LOVE OURSELVES. Yet, so many “christians” (*pretend christians*) expect us to NOT love ourselves. Being humble does not mean that you don’t love yourself or esteem yourself.
I now have a closer, a better and a more spiritual relationship with the GOD OF LOVE, I am not an orphan, I have a HEAVENLY FATHER who loves me, to replace the earthly parents I had who can’t love anyone. I am a TRUE BELIEVER now, but not out of fear for a rathful god, but a LOVING FATHER. I won’t let the hypocrits stand between me and God, because if I do, they are closer to Him than I am. I won’t let them twist His words and comfort to make me compliant with them for their own evil purposes of control of my thoughts and my soul! ((((hugs))))
hey guys, reading your post s and about the readings in the Bible i wanted to mention a book they used in teh Trauma/Addictions program called the “Language of Letting Go” also used alot i n Alanon (Codependecy issues) and they have a passage for each day. You guys can pull it up online under “Hazeldon Thought for the Day” . I was remembering when i used to do that on a daily basis and it has been highly suggested that i go to Alanon but im just a bit self helped out. Henry, i agree with you 110% that when im in the anger mode , i see things clearer than ever, but the anger never lasts with me. I go back into the Magical(rose colored glasses ) thinking . They talked alot in the program about our black and white thinking . All or nothing. Think it does apply here. We keep going over when they were nice when in reality it didn’t last long but we had the “Thank God for small graces” attitude. I remember my exhusband was so balance, would head to the bank in the same mood he came home in albeit a little exhausted. so opposite to the s. My ex never tried to get a reaction out of me , actually went out of way not to. Then i met the s and he knew how to push every button in me but i couldn’t see that he actually was enjoying it. At times i know he has a twinge of guilt but their defense mechanisms are so ingrained, they might feel a twinge of guilt but in a neosecond to right to projection. how else could they live with the destruction they do , any decent normal human being would not be able to carry on. They really are evil entities, nonhuman . It still blows my mind that these people are out there among us and like i read in the Betrayal Bond , the worst part is we feel like nobody understands us and in actuality they don’t and never will unless they have the misfortune of meeting up with one. Im working at loving myself but as my son has told me there’s the tiny percent that seems to make things worse for myself. He’s logical as they come , thinks with his head like his father, lucky him. love kh
Henry, remember “This Too Shall Pass” i know for me i can forgive just about anyone anything but when it comes to myself it’s a diff story. I like you want that dam 6 years back and yesterday was so pissed about being used by the s and his crackhead daughter. It’s easy for someone to tel l us to just let go and move on. They have no idea of the devastation that this has done to us. As for the PTSD i was in Trauma program, best in Canada with 3 military and one OPP and i know it exists and we all are suffereing from it but they had no cure it’s just something the Doctor said we live with that in time will fade. I am still skeptical about it all but i know something was altered in me with the s and the treatment from him as i can almost remember where i was ” life changed as nobody had ever treated me as such” and the doctor also explained that we are not weak as a weak person would have bolted and we stayed and endured it , hence PTSD. We talked in the program every morn about nightmares and dreams and they are very natural. I remember in early recovery from alcoholism and i’ve heard it over and over we dream different dreams of being inebriated etc. and that was my expereience but only in the early stages. I haven’t had a drunk dream in years so they do fade in time. Like you i haven’t quit gotten to acceptance and it sometimes takes time as i see it all the time in AA but i think it will happen. I’ve talked to both women who came before me and they have moved on nicely but it didn’t happen overnight and they can even laugh at him now and make fun of him even though i can’t see the humour they have over it i know it’s possible. I had to talk to them to be sure i would ever come out of this undamaged. It will happen for all of us if we stay in No Contact but it seems to take forever. I sense you are like alot of us and gave till it hurt . I know i never gave my exhusband who deserved it near as much as i did the s , so when i look at it on the other side of the coin. I did something that was not fair or deserving and like you i could beat myself up with a stick for wasting alot of good energy on a piece of chit but what good would it do me. I would be lying if i said i don’t want retribution, who wouldn’t but i can’t make him repay me as there is nothing in the world that would compensate for what i gave. It’s his LOSS . Put the stick away is what they tell me all the time in the program. Funny how i can see how useless it is to beat yourself up from another person, but not in myself. We made a mistake, yes a huge one at a very all time low in our lives but did we do it with bad intentions , of course not. Did they , absolutely so we have to forgive ourselves and not give them anymore of our energy. Acceptance is a tall order and i don’t think we can force it but you are heading in the direction and like you i still can’t beleive what one piece of trash can alter my life so much. Hope to hear from you today and that you feel better . Without the valleys , how would we ever know how good the peaks are Henry. I hate when im in them just like you but i think it takes what it takes and the valleys hopefully aren’t as low in time. Im so early in no contact myself, i’ve got lots ahead of me and do i wish i could forget it all , you bet . I haven’t washed my hair all weekend and havn’e t gone out anywhere, still obsessing over the s . , anger yesterday but im hopeful that it will get better in time. love kindheart