by Quinn Pierce
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the process of learning from our mistakes. It sounds simple enough. After all, it’s easy to look in the rear-view mirror and see exactly where we went wrong. Events always look so clear and uncomplicated when looking at them from a safe distance.
So, with a little self-reflection, we can identify those decisions that led us into unsafe territory and vow never to make them again.
Complicated Choices
But, this is where I run into a problem. I know which experiences I do not want to repeat, but the choices I made that led to those experiences are not as black and white as the experiences themselves.
For example, I chose to love someone and trust them to love me back. The problems arose because I chose someone who was incapable of love or trust, but, at the same time, that person was very good at pretending he could. I had no prior experiences to tell me that such people existed. Essentially, I was trusting in the goodness most people are born with, unaware my soon-to-be husband either wasn’t born with it, or lost it somewhere along the way.
I think this is why recovery from a sociopath is such a complicated road. Most of us did not make choices that need to be avoided throughout life, in fact, just the opposite. Love and trust are essential components of healthy relationships; we just chose people who are innately incapable of healthy relationships. That’s the part of the experience that needs to be avoided in the future, but it’s not quite so easy to detach those things from each other.
Discovering and Accepting the Truth
Once I knew my husband’s emotions were all a matter of convenience for him, I was angry, confused, frustrated, and sad. It’s taken me a long time to actually accept this as fact. I constantly held out a glimmer of hope that he was capable of, at least, compassion and understanding. If not for me, I wanted to believe this for my sons’ sake. But, it isn’t so. And the sooner I could accept this, the sooner I could move past all those emotions that were keeping me stuck and unable to break free of the relationship completely.
Necessary Steps
This was the most difficult step for me. I just couldn’t believe, despite what I had experienced, that another human being was incapable of loving his children. At least, not the way I understand love to be. He may feel obligation and some type of responsibility, but it’s only as much as he has figured out that society requires from him in order for him to be regarded as a ”˜good father’. The reality is he sees them much more as objects that belong to him than the beautiful, loving, amazing boys that they are. And, again, that is reality, and pretending otherwise does not help any of us heal, it just prohibits any chance of moving forward.
Today, I’m much more aware of the dangers hiding within some people in this world. So much so that I wouldn’t even consider myself to be an overly cautious person, just more alert to the signs I now know to be the red flags of behaviors and personalities. I’ve also learned to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.
But as far as the choices I made so many years ago that led to a disastrous and regrettable relationship, I’m not so sure those are things I need to change. I would say, instead, that my healing requires that I continue to make those same choices again, but only with those who deserve such important parts of me.
If I were to never to love or trust anyone again because of my experience with a sociopath, that would be my most regrettable choice.
Thank you Quinn for this, I agree with DonnaC, that last paragraph is hopeful, and I no longer believe that I will never love again. Last night marked one year since the beginning of my recovery. I have come a long way in the past year, but still have a long way to go. I am in therapy and still on antidepressants. There is residual PTSD and cognitive dissonance, but I don’t allow it to control me. I admit there is still a lot of work to do on myself to free myself from the self doubt and insecurity that was there before the SP but was magnified and exploited by him in our last phone conversation. A year ago, I didn’t fully understand what a sociopath was. I was thinking they were along the lines of cult leaders and serial killers. Never would have thought it was an online contact I had never met, but thought of as a friend, a goodhearted person. He was never on my radar as being harmful. And when I finally accepted he is harmful, was never a friend, was only messing with me for his entertainment, I was able to stop thinking that I was the problem, and that I am capable and deserving of a relationship where I feel accepted, respected and safe. Of course, I’m not ready for that yet, but at least I have faith now that it is possible. Hope everyone is well 🙂
I still have a hard time comprehending that a person can be truly bad and entirely self-centered. Acceptance of a betrayal, getting past the surprise and hurt, is really the first step. I am still amazed by my husband’s attitudes and actions toward his off-spring. Donna once said that having children with a sociopath is a nightmare and beyond the scope of that current discussion. I had so many children with a sociopath that I almost feel beyond reach of this group. Someday I’d like to write a story about what the outcome was with my nine children. I almost feel that I should apologize for having been so careless. But I didn’t comprehend sociopathy. It wasn’t until I found this site that I even had a name for my husband’s baffling behavior. As an aside, the kids have been a mixed bag. Two have definite personality disorders.
I’m thankful for all you write, Quinn. Thankful also for Donna’s abundant input.
Thank you Quinn for your article. It has been one year since I left the spath that I had a one sided relationship with. I came here today, to pay homage to LF and all who share here. I will always be grateful to Donna and all the fellow bloggers here, for helping me understand the most confusing and painful relationship of my life.
Quinn, your comment that, ” I’ve learned to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.” is something I did not even understand when I first landed here. Now I believe I do. I made the error of thinking I was ready to date again this past summer, attracted yet another spath, and amazingly, I saw through him quick enough to avoid total disaster. I found myself unafraid of him and ended it myself before I was devasteated. This is an improvement over the first experience. I see now that after a spathship, there is so much damage to repair, and so many old inner wounds opened, that indeed …I will need a long time, perhaps years, before I will open my life up to the possibility of love again.
Accepting that I loved an illusion, painted especially for me, was the hardest part in acceptance for me. It has been a very difficult letting go, knowing that another human being that I cared deeply for, never saw me as anything other than an object to be used for their amusement and supply. But, as stated above, it is a valuable addition to our inner wisdom when we realize that some human beings are incapable of love and compassion and just because I gave it to someone, it does not follow that they can or will give it back.
I still have a long road ahead to rebuild myself. I still have periods of being sad and sometimes depressed. Yet, deep inside me, I know I will.
Thank you for your share Quinn, and to all here who share and help others by doing so.
Bluemosaic
After being discarded in such a harsh way I have, like everyone else, had to reflect over the past years. Now that my blinders are off I see what I should have seen all along – He will never love because he can’t. That being said, I do feel that sometimes I have a neon sign above my head that only Spath’s can read which apparently reads “good woman – use her”! Everyday I fight through that stupid sign and tell myself that I am a good woman and nobody has a right to use me unless I give that right to them.
A friend of mine (a male friend), whom I have known for years, told me the other day that I deserve to have a man treat me with as much love, passion, respect, etc. that I give to the man I am with! At first I just laughed and thought – sure I do! But you know, I do deserve that – we all deserve to find someone we can share a life with that won’t expect anything from us other than love.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way looking for another man – God forbid – but I have to be honest with myself and realize that just because all I attract is Spaths does not mean I can’t change who I attract and I think that begins with me on the inside. I second guess everything now. Small sweet comments by other men I wonder why the comments were said, what does he want, etc. and I can’t blame every man in the world because I found the crappy ones.
Each day we all get stronger, smarter, more independent in our own lives, and better overall because we went through all this. I have learned so much about who I am in the past few months that I am amazed at the strength I have found within myself. I have a long way to go and trust issues I may never overcome but one thing I do know for certain – My former Spath will not get the best of me. The best of me is yet to come.
Thank you all for being so wonderful in showing me that I am worth it and that it was not my fault. I finally have stopped blaming myself and that was a huge step for me.
Katareaux
Yes every day we are getting stronger . I am in the midst of the divorce proceedings now and I have no more fear or worry. The almost 6 months no contact has given me all my sanity and peace back that I feel now “empowered” to fight this battle of my life. I, like you, question every comment or little compliment from men. The first thing that comes into my mind is that I am dealing with another sociopath. The other day a male co worker complained to me that his children with the ex wife won’t talk to him. He told me he got divorced because he wasn’t “happy” anymore, he wanted out and be free and find new women. He discarded his wife and 3 kids. And he honestly expected sympathy from me. My answer was “I really hate men who do that to their families.” He looked at me puzzled. Another one right next to me.
I am now 48 and I am planning to heal and recover from over 20 years of abuse. I often question myself how I could ever trust a man again. I trusted my soon to be ex with all my heart and he threw it all away. Just like he took out the weekly garbage. Not only his wife but also his child. I also noticed that I don’t think about him much anymore even the good times kind of evaporated. Because it was all a lie anyhow. There was no meaning in anything that had to do with him. Good luck Katareaux. I was wondering the other day if you still enforce the no contact ?
Kaya:
I absolutely enforce the No Contact – I don’t care to ever speak, look at, or drive by that man again. I know eventually he will come back around – and one day he will – and all he will find is a locked door and a cold person behind it. If he wanted an enemy, he got one!!
As for trust in a man – never! I don’t trust anyone but myself anymore and am cautious about everything that I do. But, and it is a big but, I do believe that there are good men in the world and it would not be fair to treat every man like they are a Spath (although most are). I keep my distance, keep my heart out of everything, and trust in myself and my instincts. I recently turned down an offer to go out with a man because he was “too nice” and that raised a red flag. You can’t be overly nice to someone you just met – at least that is how I looked at it.
My few friends and family all say that I am so much happier without the Spath that I am thankful that he is gone. I hate him for hurting me but I know the truth and that gives me the ability to sleep at night. Knowing that even now as he pretends to be “all that” he is actually nothing but a scared little boy trying to pretend to be a man in the big ole world.
Just think, you won the battle in the long run!! You got out! I know there is nothing justice about our justice system but I will pray that your matter is resolved quickly and correctly!
By the way, I have had no contact since September 25th and am staying strong!!
The pain and mistrust eventually get better, and their place there will be wisdom and confidence. You will learn to trust another man even though right now you feel like you’d rather go through the rest of your life alone than go through even one day or date with a spath. But you heal. The minutes in the day that your thoughts return to your ex, start to diminish, without you even realizing it. I remember feeling like I’d never get all the horror out of my head, then one day I realized I hadn’t thought about him or the kids or the whole insane situation for OMG was it 30 min, an hour? Nights were no longer drawn out battles trying to settle my mind and not replay the last conversation or last revelation or strategy for the next hearing. That’s when I knew the healing had started. Minutes become hours and hours become days then weeks, when your thoughts will not return to him unless something very specific or maybe even innocuous springs him to mind. You learn to trust that voice inside yourself. You learn to never second guess. You learn that when it feels wrong it probably is wrong and when it sounds like a lie, it is. I’m not a religious person, not in any way, but I have come to feel that something greater has led me through the fire and safely to this side. Maybe it was my friends, maybe innate strength, maybe it’s just all of the women (and men) on this site and other like it that wish us well and whisper prayers to keeps us all safe ( I know that I do), that send us their positive thoughts and energy. For everyone here I wish for the day when fear no longer grips your heart in the dead of night and startles you awake. I wish you all peace and the return of love to your hearts and your lives.
Katareaux
Thanks for your prayers. Indeed you are right I already won this battle by getting out of it. It sure was a battle from day one of these 20 years. Like you I still do and will always “hate” this man. Not a hate feeling where I become bitter or angry. I am so much happier too. People tell me I look much better and I have the feeling of peace.
Oh yes and does my soon to be ex play it up with dinners, cruises and lavish gifts for her. Do I care ? Absolutely not, she will be paying for all of it. And I guess money can buy him sex from a young sexy woman. Do I care? No because I have the love of my son. And that’s above all cruises and dinners.
I am so proud of your no contact. :).
Kaya:
I could not have seen the truth, or come to terms with it without all of the support I have recieved here. We all are so different and yet have such a strong bond between us because we dared to love someone who was incappable of loving in return. No matter what these Spaths do they cannot hurt us anymore and all of the “wonderful” things they are doing now with their new victims will eventually die out because the one thing we can count on is “if it is not about them they are angry”.
My mutual friends still talk to him and still help him out from time to time but even they are beginning to really see that what I have told them is true. They hear him talk about how he is borrowing money yeah to borrow you have to have the intention of paying back – which Spath never pays anyone back) from his mother and father (who he hated until now) and is even hitting out our friends. I am grateful enough that my friends think I am so much better without him that they tell me when he is over there just so I don’t stop by and run into him and his best friend thinks he is just plain stupid. (They are good friends).
Like you I don’t care what he does as long as he does it far away from me. I am not bitter, or even angry anymore (Thank you Ms. Donna – you told me that would pass and it did!). I am happy to be rid of him and happy that I got out with my sanity. Now I focus on my children and myself and not some boy pretending to be a man.
You are such a strong person Kaya that I admire all that you have overcome and how hard you have fought to get where you are now. Only good things can happen from this point out – for all of us!!!
I feel the same way. Without the support from here I could have never seen the truth. The other day my mom reminded me how far I have come. From crying and stupid begging him to come home to filing for divorce and standing up for myself and my child. I don’t want to come across as religious but I don’t know where I go this strength from, it must be from above. Luckily he moved about 25 miles away to a different county where he is a deputy. All “our” friends don’t talk to him anymore. They all pretty much cut him out of their lives what is a good thing. I don’t care what he is doing with her. I used to check her facebook page where she flaunts their relationship. I read Ms Donnas steps and stopped checking months ago. Who cares on what cruise they are going, where they are eating out. Seeing my son doing great in college, cooking for my son and being a part of his life every day is much more important than this sick relationship they have. It was based on lies and betrayals and it will end the same way. If better “supply” comes along she will be history anyhow. He can go through life hurting and deceiving people, that is his choice and he must live with this guilt everyday. He sent my son a birthday card saying “I love you more than anything in this world, I wish you were different”. Blaming my son for his evilness. The card went right into the garbage. Interesting how you mentioned that your ex contacts his parents all of a sudden. I noticed on financial disclosures that my soon to be ex started sending flowers to his mom. They were never close before. Who knows what kind of lies he told about me. That is why I cut off all contact to his family also. Too dangerous, he could twist words and use it against me in court.
Thanks for telling me that I am a strong person. I used to question this a lot but I do feel stronger now. Thanks to all you kind words.
Kaya48 and Kataroux – I am so happy to see you both doing so well! You go girls!
Ms. Donna:
I do not believe I would be doing as well as I am without this site and all the wonderful people in it. You were so blunt the first time we communicated but it was through that bluntness that I was able to actually see the truth and I thank you so very much for being honest and helping me see the truth. I have had no contact with that man and will never have contact with him again, regardless because I know he will only try to break me down again. I will never allow him that opportunity!
You were right, the pain goes away, the sorrow fades, and although I will never forgive him, I know that I have to keep moving forward to save myself. I am suspicious of every man but I know that I have to be because I am Spath magnet.
Thank you for showing me what I should have seen in the beginning.
Thank you Ms Donna, Katareaux stated it so correctly. I feel exactly the same way. It was so difficult and painful to cut off all contact. And you were right, it gets easier with time as the fog lifts and I can see clearly again. It is almost like I was in a 20 years long “fog” and almost lost myself. The feeling of peace, sanity and freedom is “empowering”. Today as I left my attorneys office I actually had a smile on my face. I still remember the first time I was in his office, crying as he was putting together my defense for the injunction my husband had filed against me. What an improvement. I left his office today knowing that I will be ok no matter what. I will never forget the day I signed the petition for divorce. To me this is one of the best days of my life. I finally stood up and said I am done. No more crazy making, my son and I are done with this abuse. Thanks to everyone for your encouraging comments.