by Quinn Pierce
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the process of learning from our mistakes. It sounds simple enough. After all, it’s easy to look in the rear-view mirror and see exactly where we went wrong. Events always look so clear and uncomplicated when looking at them from a safe distance.
So, with a little self-reflection, we can identify those decisions that led us into unsafe territory and vow never to make them again.
Complicated Choices
But, this is where I run into a problem. I know which experiences I do not want to repeat, but the choices I made that led to those experiences are not as black and white as the experiences themselves.
For example, I chose to love someone and trust them to love me back. The problems arose because I chose someone who was incapable of love or trust, but, at the same time, that person was very good at pretending he could. I had no prior experiences to tell me that such people existed. Essentially, I was trusting in the goodness most people are born with, unaware my soon-to-be husband either wasn’t born with it, or lost it somewhere along the way.
I think this is why recovery from a sociopath is such a complicated road. Most of us did not make choices that need to be avoided throughout life, in fact, just the opposite. Love and trust are essential components of healthy relationships; we just chose people who are innately incapable of healthy relationships. That’s the part of the experience that needs to be avoided in the future, but it’s not quite so easy to detach those things from each other.
Discovering and Accepting the Truth
Once I knew my husband’s emotions were all a matter of convenience for him, I was angry, confused, frustrated, and sad. It’s taken me a long time to actually accept this as fact. I constantly held out a glimmer of hope that he was capable of, at least, compassion and understanding. If not for me, I wanted to believe this for my sons’ sake. But, it isn’t so. And the sooner I could accept this, the sooner I could move past all those emotions that were keeping me stuck and unable to break free of the relationship completely.
Necessary Steps
This was the most difficult step for me. I just couldn’t believe, despite what I had experienced, that another human being was incapable of loving his children. At least, not the way I understand love to be. He may feel obligation and some type of responsibility, but it’s only as much as he has figured out that society requires from him in order for him to be regarded as a ”˜good father’. The reality is he sees them much more as objects that belong to him than the beautiful, loving, amazing boys that they are. And, again, that is reality, and pretending otherwise does not help any of us heal, it just prohibits any chance of moving forward.
Today, I’m much more aware of the dangers hiding within some people in this world. So much so that I wouldn’t even consider myself to be an overly cautious person, just more alert to the signs I now know to be the red flags of behaviors and personalities. I’ve also learned to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.
But as far as the choices I made so many years ago that led to a disastrous and regrettable relationship, I’m not so sure those are things I need to change. I would say, instead, that my healing requires that I continue to make those same choices again, but only with those who deserve such important parts of me.
If I were to never to love or trust anyone again because of my experience with a sociopath, that would be my most regrettable choice.
Everyone, I know this has nothing to do with anything here on this site but I need prayers. My boss became sick with strep throat this past week, ended up in septic shock, was rushed to the ER where he underwent emergency surgery, and is now on a ventilator, medical induced coma, with kidney failure…he is 45, with a wife and 3 small children (ages 8, 7, and 5). He is currently in critical condition and is fighting the fight of a lifetime. Please, pray for him and his family, his name is James Maughan. They need all the prayers we can send.
Thank you all!!!
Katareaux,
I will be praying for your boss. As you know I am a Christian and god works wonders. God has given me a lot of strength lately and I know for a fact that he is in control. As we all know it, never give up hope. Replace fear with hope and faith. He is in my prayers and I will put in for a special prayer request tomorrow at my church.
well, it was two days of No Contact. I’m a hidden mess. No one knows how bad I feel. There’s that word again, “feel”. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I thought that him thinking I wanted to be with another dude because of what I told him on the ride home the other night would finally keep him away from me. I thought I was now going to be his “garbage”.
Wrong!!!!!
12:20am- He just knocked on my front door. I ignored it. He knocked on the back door. I opened it and asked him why he was here? He said “I’ll just go then” and faked like he was just going to leave, but then he looked past me into my apartment, scanning the scene, probably looking for the “new dude” that I obviously had planned on being with when I told him that we were done two days ago. I’ve broken it off with him more than ten times in the last three years. There is definitely something wrong with me too for allowing it all to go on for so long.
I told him that leaving would probably be best because to him, Losing IS Winning and….congratulations “YOU WIN”. I said I don’t like the way he does me. He said that he doesn’t like the way that I do him. He didn’t apologize for his last stunt. I said, “what happened, did you suddenly realize that I really did love you and that you screwed up?” as he left the patio and latched the gate and slowly walked over to his truck that he had parked around the corner of the parking lot, and I know he parked over there so I wouldn’t see his head lights coming through the patio slider when he got here. He looked pretty ragged and I’d like to believe that he actually might have felt his loss of control on me tonight and that is why he made his way over here. To try and trick me again into that stupor he can put me in.
It feels like he’ll be back at any second.
I don’t know why I opened the door, other than to get in one more reminder that it is and was his actions that made everything so miserable. Although, I was sick of hearing myself do it, but I’ll bet listening to me whine, complain, beg and cry probably made things miserable for him. His game was to make me jealous and insecure with his whereabouts. He liked to hang around Ex’s and younger girls that know people that he knows. He’s 54. This last girl is about 21 and he squished up against her on the boat on the fourth of July instead of squishing up next to me when we were all shifting over to let another friend sit down. These little subtle things weren’t so subtle to me, and this girl is falling for it.
Two days ago we were at a couple’s house that he knows. She is always throwing her body in his face and bouncing all around him. Her husband doesn’t care. Anyway, she went into their bedroom to look up a car insurance quote and within a couple minutes he was chomping at the bit to follow her in there. I could see his body reacting to the opportunity to be alone with her in the other room. Yes, he was getting an erection. He got up to go in there and I bumped him with my elbow and said “you’re not going in there. she’s doing just fine without you” but he still had to walk halfway to the bedroom, fighting the urge to follow her in there as I watched his mind and body process the fact that he really shouldn’t be going in there this time because I was actually THERE for This visit, unlike the last year that he has spent time there without me. Well, he decided to go outside on the deck because by now his hard-on was extremely obvious even though he tried to deny it. He then went out onto the patio to try and get rid of his erection. It worked. I was pretty upset. Nothing new to me. I called him on everything I had just witnessed and he smiled a sick smile.
On the way home I told him, again, that I didn’t want to be the one with the boyfriend who has to follow all the girls around and flirt with anything cute within 25 feet, acting like he’s single and giving these girls the idea that he liked them more than just as a friend. All of his adventures were with other people and other girls. Anyway, I told him that I have decided that if I can’t beam ’em, that I am going to join ’em. From now on I was going behave just like him and since he expects me to put up with it that I expect that he’ll be able to put up with it just fine because that is how he operates. Nothing new to him, right? I said that I am going to follow guys around at every chance I get when they visit or we visit them, and flirt “innocently” with any cute guy that is near me even if they have a husband or a girlfriend because apparently he and all of his friends seem to be perfectly okay with all of this type of behavior so I am going to join in the flirt party like the rest of them.
He didn’t like that idea. Can you believe it? He didn’t like my idea? Huh? It’s his playbook and he doesn’t like it??!!
I immediatly got the silent treatment for the whole hour ride home. The next morning as I was getting ready for work, he got up and started giving me the glare thing and not letting me give him a hug good morning and that he wasn’t in a very good mood. He pushed me off of him when I tried a second hug, hoping to avoid a total melt down scene before work again. He just huffed and puffed and stalked out with me. Instead of me giving him a ride home he started to walk home. I pulled up next to him to ask him if he wanted a ride so I wouldn’t be accused later of not asking him if he wanted a ride, and I handed him the grocery bag he had left in my car and I think said something about him not having to be such a jerk in the morning and making it so that my day starts on a shitty note, and he then squirted his whole bottle of water through my (new) car open window soaking me and the interior of my car. I am on my way to work remember. Now I have to go back inside and redo my hair and change clothes. I was only 19 minutes late, but morning fights and gasilghting from him was his MO on me ever since he decided that I shouldn’t stop for coffee in the morning and he was always doing things to try and make me late. I learned to wake him up 10 minutes before I had to leave instead of 5 mins just so I could get to work on time. He doesn’t get out of bed when asked, he lays there and acts like he didn’t hear me say I have to go. Which leads into the fight of me not giving him my key again. I wouldn’t be late for work if I would just give him my key!
Sorry this turned into such a rant. I am only 2 days into No Contact. This is not my first No Contact. There have been 3 that lasted one month each and many more that lasted a couple of weeks. He has some kind of stupid hold on me. No…..what I want to say is he HAD some kind of stupid hold on me, but then why did I open the door again tonight…….what the hell is wrong with me. I see him for what he is. I found LoveFraud in March of 2010 and I could hardly believe what I was reading about sociopaths. As I read the stories from victims (what a horrible reality to be a victim of these people) and behaviors of disordered people it was as if those writers and healthcare professionals had literally followed him and me around to gather their facts and send them directly to print.
Did I stop seeing him after I read all the evidence that was undisputably pointing toward him being a sociopathic narcisissitc/APD person? No. Not me. I have to find everything out for myself. I am not the kind of person to give up (which I now see as a curse in deailng with him) and I “loved” him.
I DO know what happened to me. I DON’T know why I allowed it and that is the scary part. So what if I want to be loved and cherished. Why would I choose to stay with him for three and half damn years when I knew that what I was getting was anything but love and cherish. dumb.
How long does it take to stop thinking about it all……? I am angry and heart broken while I am angry that I am heartbroken.
I am determined to keep No Contact even though I let myself down tonight, I didn’t let him stay and this is a good enough start for me for now.
I’ve only just registered on this site. I hope to sort through my thoughts and get to that day when I no longer “feel” anything for him except the disgust he deserves. Wish me luck or whatever it takes to get to that day.
jenni marie
ps: I will be thinking good thoughts for Mr Maughan
Jenni Marie – I’m glad you’ve posted a comment on Lovefraud. Perhaps it helps to come out and say it, instead of just reading it – the guy is a sociopath.
So why did you keep going? These relationships are highly addictive. What kept you attached was the addiction.
Therefore, you have to treat ending the involvement like ending an addiction. No Contact gives you the tools.
Yes, you slipped last night. This is not unusual – many people slip when breaking an addiction. But now you know that you felt worse after the slip. Use that to give you strength to maintain no contact.
Take it one day at a time. The longer you stay away from him, the easier it will get.
Jenni Marie:
I was exactly where you are now in September of this year and I know how you feel….you ARE NOT ALONE!!!! The hardest part is accepting that the love you felt for this man was NEVER the love he felt for you. He never loved you!!! I know how hard this is to accept, but you must accept it.
Now you must remain NO CONTACT – do not let him in, do not accept his calls, do not allow him to communicate with you in any way and DO NOT hack his emails, facebook, etc. (I did that). No Contact means No Contact and that is the only salvation you have right now. No Contact is the ONLY POWER you have over him. No matter how hard he begs – do not cave in no matter what.
Now be prepared, he will immediately move on to his next “victim”. Accept it, remember that he is incapable of real love and feelings and emotions, and remember that she is nothing but a piece in a very sick game he plays.
Now the hardest part – forgiving yourself (Yes Ms. Donna, I actually said that..lol) I struggle with this every day because I should have seen the writing on the wall years ago. However, we love, we feel, we want love in return and we will overlook mountains to get that. You are so very normal and that is a good thing. He is a monster that feeds off of the very fabric of our existence. You were just doing what you knew to do and that is love and trust that he loved and trusted you. I know you are mad, angry, want to physically hurt him, want to scream, want to cry, etc. I know, I was there and still struggle through it at times. Those feeling will begin to pass the longer you remain No Contact and the more you accept the truth of who he really is.
Most importantly, you are a wonderful, beautiful, smart woman who simply dared to love. You will move on, you will forgive yourself, you will doubt everything any man tells you again, you will be more cautious with your heart, but you will WIN THE GAME in the end. You will WIN, not him!!!
If you ever need to talk, I am here – we all are here!
P.S. Thank you for you good thoughts for my boss, I appreciate it!
PLEASE HELP ME AM I DATING A SOCIOPATH, I’M EMOTIONALLY DRAINED
I have been dating a guy I met at work for 14 months (he was my boss but was ‘let go/sacked from work). I was married when we first got together, I have now left my husband, my home, my dog, my cat for HIM and got a little flat. I haven’t seen him since I left home and barely spoke with him and I am absolutely devastated I am completely head over heels in love with him.
Throughout the last 14 months I have only ever seen him at a hotel he works away Mon to Fri. I have never been to his house (he says he lives with mother who has cancer and comes home every weekend (his step father also has cancer!), he has two children 18 & 14 who he sees most weekends, when we worked together he cried in front of me about his mum. He used to cry when I left the hotel and then not talk for me for two days saying he was trying to cope with missing me, I always seem to be giving him the benefit of doubt.
Our sex life has been amazing and he seems totally genuine and has told me he loves me numerous times and complimented me massively time and time again (I am 44 years old btw)he is a sweet, gentle natured guy, very intelligent, in senior management, I’ve never seen him cross or angry
Throughout the relationship I have questioned a ‘gut feeling’ that something isn’t quite right, is he married ? Comments he has consistently said is ‘I am protecting my heart’ I don’t want to get hurt’ and ‘I am a very private person’ he ignores me for days at a time but then comes back saying he misses me, he’s either full on or ignoring me!!! then he says he is sorry he is in a bad place in his head or he has gone into his shell
I have questioned him about whether he is married he always said I was paranoid and that I scare him when I’m like that, then ignores me for a couple of days
He is insanely jealous and will ring me 50 times, until he gets an answer, he demands to know where I am, who I am with, whether I am having sex with someone else. I never even considered he could possibly be a sociopath and still can’t quite believe it. I can’t accept the last 14 months have possibly been a lie and I meant nothing to him, but so much I have read on this site screams at me he is, I’d rather he was married than this, at least I could try and accept some of his words might have been true.
I am so heart broken and don’t know how to move forward, please help me with this, maybe he is just insecure and scared ? Thank you
PS He has never said actual mean things to me or anything horrible, just cold and distant from time to time.
Quando – He sounds like a sociopath. In fact, he may be a married sociopath. Everything you describe is typical sociopathic behavior.
Gather your courage and end the involvement. Nothing good can come of it.
We have many articles on Lovefraud that will help you. Look in the archives – all of the gray buttons on the menu bar above.
Thank you Donna for your reply, I have replied to Kataroux, please see my reply, I am so scared of losing him, I still love him and miss him so much, its painful
Quando:
I hate to say this but RUN!!!! Cut all ties with this man and thank goodness it has only bee 14 months. I understand you gave up everything to be with him and that you love him to he DOES NOT love you and never will. I learned the hard way myself and after 7 years have seen the truth and wish I would have seen the truth 7 years ago!!!!
The moment you said that sex was wonderful I knew exactly what how you feel (I am sure most of us here know that feeling) that is not love, it is just sex to him, nothing more – just sex. We tend to turn sex into something it is not so don’t make that mistake. Cut all ties – walk away from him – figure out who you are and what you want and not what you think you should do for some man. Find yourself first!
Thank you so much for replying, but what if we’re wrong, what if he is genuine and I run, I will have lost the man who I love more than I have ever loved any man in my life.
The things he says ‘might’ be true, I am so confused, if he would just come to my flat (and I don’t understand) why he hasn’t I’m sure we could work things out.
The reason he has said he won’t come to the flat, is that its early days, I’m not out of the woods yet, that I might go back to my husband and he is scared and protecting his heart. What if he’s being honest, I just can’t believe the last year has meant nothing to him, that I have meant nothing to him.
He has always treated me well, brilliantly and been loving and affection and kind (except when ignoring me, but even then he said it was because he is low, or his head is not in a good place) we have had an amazing 14 months together, I really don’t want to lose him and I miss him so much
Quando:
Question – If he “loves you” then wouldn’t he be with you and be happy that you can now be together? No true man in love with a woman would stay away. All Sociopaths say they love you and want to be with you but they make no real effort to do so. As for the last year meaning nothing to him..your right…it has meant nothing to him, it has only meant something to you.
Look, I understand how you feel, it took a lot for me to realize that the last 7 years meant nothing to my ex-Spath but the facts are clear and it meant nothing to him. He moved on to his next victim and was done with me the day I broke up with him.
If this man loves you and knows what you gave up to be with him he would be with you. As you said, he has not once come to see your place that you got so you could be with him, and you know that is wrong because you are here asking the questions you already know the answers to.
Honey, RUN!! RUN FAST!! Don’t do like I did and ignore the signs and spend 7 years with a man who never truly was capable of love. Only thing that happened when he left was I was devastated, he was fine, he didn’t care. Get out and find your true happiness – you will be glad you did.
Quando….
I was in a similar situation where I left my marriage for another guy. I loved who I thought this man was…but he wasn’t that guy at all. Like you, there were things I was excluded from, and that always made me uncomfortable and left wondering just what was going on. My relationship lasted about four years. Turns out he was a pathological liar, a cheater and a manipulator. There are lots more details to my story, but I’ll let it go at this.
What I really want to say is….from my own personal experience, GET OUT. This is not worth it. If the guy truly cared about you and loved you, he wouldn’t put you in these uncomfortable situations. Yes, I thought the man I was with treated me well, too. They know how to play the game, and they’re masterful at it.
You need to ask yourself why you’d even want to stay with someone who does this to you. He can use as many excuses as he wants, but the truth of the matter is he is treating you poorly by ignoring you, and you’re allowing it to happen. And I think Donna may be right….he very well could be married.
Believe me when I say it took me a long time to figure things out, but now I’m at a point of inner peace. I’m very comfortable with myself and know what to look for going forward. You deserve better. Work on yourself. Find your own inner strength. You can do this!
carolann
Last year, I was in the mindset that I could “fix this” that it was miscommunication on my part. It took a while and a lot of therapy to realize that wasn’t true. I was being strung along, led on, manipulated, deceived. I think you see those same red flags I chose to overlook. I wish I was stronger then. But I’m stronger now. All I can think of my experience now was that it was a big waste of my time and energy. Don’t waste yours, please
If you feel like something is just “off” trust your instincts and run. For the past few years, yes years, I was feeling that something was just not right about my relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I know he treated me poorly for almost 20 years but the last year was extremely bad. While he was having an affair he manipulated and lied to me even more and of course blamed me for everything. I chose to ignore all the warning signs right in front of me and pretended all was fine. Often I had this feeling that I was being played as a fool.
Looking back now I should have known. But they are so good at manipulating and crazy making we are blinded by it. Now I know the signs. Only it is 20 years a little too late . 🙁
THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE FOR YOUR ADVICE I am not ignoring anyones advice and really really appreciate it, but for now I am holding on for that glimmer of hope I might but wrong. I have seen a side to him that has been pure love and affection.
Maybe he is ‘messed up’ in his head and suffers with depression or anxiety but I can’t believe he is not genuine. I am not going to be totally gullible though and I am going to make demands (come to my flat, introduce me to your family childen and mum) and if these demands are not met I will walk away no matter how painful this is going to be.
When I woke in the early hours of this morning I felt as though I couldn’t cope that my life was in a downward spiral and i didn’t know how to go back up, the only thing that puts me in a positive frame of mind at the moment is believing he is real and everything will be all right in the end
Hi Quando, I think we all know how you feel. I only hope you are making the right decision. All I can say is ALWAYS trust your instincts, now matter what you’re feeling for him. And pay attention to any red flags. Is he charming? Manipulative? Is there a discrepancy between his words and his actions? Does he see you as human or as a sex object? Just some hypothetical examples. Know what you’re worth and what you deserve. Above all, be kind to yourself.
Quando,
I also thought my husband was suffering from depression and yes sometimes he showed some sort of affection. What you are telling us, there are so many warning signs. Please don’t ignore them. I have been through pure hell and back with this man and when I finally exposed him in his lies and betrayals, guess what? He left us one night, changed all bank accounts and moved on with his new victim. The first few months were so painful but once I enforced the no contact things improved for me and my son. To be thrown away like garbage hurt a lot but I know it was his so perfect exit he had planned for a long time. I should have filed for divorce the same day I found him exchanging nude picture with the other deputy woman. But I was too nice, too forgiving and too afraid. Now since I filed for divorce I can honestly say that I am proud of myself. I am a new person and nobody disrespects my son and I like that. My attorney asked me “what did you do to deserve something like that?” I had to think and I know I was a faithful, loving, caring housewife and mother who was always there for him. So no I did not deserve it but life will be better without this evilness. Good luck quando .
Quando, I have to chime in.
The biggest mistake we can make is to not listen to our gut. That is my biggest regret. Twice. Two marriages, one with a narcissist and one with a sociopath. I kept looking/digging for the good. And wasted too many years doing that and coming up empty. You said in your first letter that ‘He has never said actual mean things to me or anything horrible.” But then you shared with us that “He is insanely jealous and will ring me 50 times, until he gets an answer, he demands to know where I am, who I am with, whether I am having sex with someone else.”
He doesn’t trust you and wants to control you. That IS mean and horrible. I truly believe when a relationship is healthy and real, that there is no game playing, crazy doubts, insane jealousy or all or nothing periods of contact. You know in your heart what you have to face. That doesn’t make it easy, but you have a whole bunch of us rooting for you to make the right decision.
Dear Miss Donna,
Hello. I am so thankful that I came across your site. In March 2010 I reached the point of what I thought was no return. He had me so spun and practically believing that I was mentally unstable for always feeling so insecure and suspicious and jealous…etc, that I wanted to fill my tank up with gas and just keep driving until I ran out of gas and find a place to live there instead of around the corner from him. Wherever I ended up didn’t matter.
But, what if I was “over reacting” again? Maybe instead of over reacting I could somehow find a way to make the relationship better & learn how to communicate in a way he could finally understand. So, I went online to see if I could find a way to save us before I did anything stupid that would really destroy the relationship. (I hadn’t read about sociopaths yet, and I still must have thought there was SOMETHING I COULD DO to help it be better) Anyway, I was taking some quiz about how to know if we are in a healthy relationship or not and soon, with a click here and a click there I was led to LoveFraud. I have fought the Truth since that night. The Truth that he really is disordered and from what I have read, he must be a Cluster B. Most of the descriptions of the different types of Psychopathy fit him like a glove and all run together that it is overwhelming to deal with. Admittedly, I actually tried to deal with it, while all of it (his behavior) was Unbelievable, to be honest. Surreal. Like getting a dose of “Is this really happening to me?” on a daily basis. I was determined to try and work with his um, condition? Is that what they have? A condition? Maybe they need to call it an “Untreatable Condition”.
I sincerely want to thank you for wanting to find a way to help victims out here and to possibly prevent someone from becoming a victim by telling your story. You have helped me.
Reading your response means a great deal. I do need to treat him like an addiction and that is probably why I have kept contacting him after I break it off or taking him back when he just shows up after I break it off. Silly me, I know you are a real person, not just someone out there in cyberspace, but just hearing the words “treat him like an addiction” brought you right into my living room with me. (please excuse a little clutter,lol). I have no excuses left. I cannot help him. I cannot fix this. He IS an Addiction. It is My problem. I need to learn how to beat an addiction.
I Sincerely Thank you 🙂
—
To Kataroux,
Thank you also for the nice words as well. You’re so Sweet! 🙂 I feel a little better by knowing what to expect in the coming times because I haven’t made it passed 30 days of No Contact before, and it would be nice to have someone to talk to who has so recently separated from one of those people too. Thank you.
I’m sure that as time passes I won’t be having Mind-Blurt. What is Mind-Blurt? It’s below. ranting. me going on and on about something that makes no sense (staying with and putting up with a really mean man who “loved me” ). Only people who have been there will understand, and it is nice to talk. Sorry if I type so much. to see some of the things that I went through in words makes me sound like such a ridiculous fool but I see now that it helps me to break the cycle of abuse I was in because I don’t want to be this stomped on fool of a girl any more!
After I posted my first comment the other night, he (IT) came back two hours later that night at 2:30am. I was still awake reading LoveFraud. I shut down the computer and went outside to talk to him for 30 minutes. He complained about it being cold outside but he knew I wasn’t going to let him. I agreed to sit in his truck (with no heater) with my blanket I took out there, to talk, but that he really needs to use the time to say something that makes any sense about what is really going on…He said he didn’t know what was going on!
I blabbed “that he is a horrible boyfriend” , and he should be glad that I am not a quitter or we would have been done a long time ago before now. Of course, he had to remind me that I have broken up with him in the past and that makes me a quitter. So, Me being Me- I reminded him that when he showed up at my place after time passed before when I had broken up with him, that I gave him another chance, and another and another and so on. He stopped talking about “quitting”.
He rambled about not wanting to fight and that we should find a way to get along and learn how to communicate better and that most of our arguments were misunderstandings, blah, blah, blah. I gave him a few examples of the crap he has pulled on me and then asked him point blank “what was it about that (fill in the blank) that was a misunderstanding again?”
He asked if was cold (translate: can he come in) and I said no, and then I literally said the next thing that popped into my head… I mentioned one of his Ex’s that I recently found out he has continually taken out to breakfasts and lunches while I was at work the last three years, without ever mentioning once that he had done so, and that he really should probably try and figure out if he still has something for her because she is the one he keeps running to it seems.
He just came back with the usual, that I should just feel “secure” and “trust” him because she is just a friend now (laughable). I said a few more things about his actions that would not allow any girl to feel “secure” with him and that I will lay money on the fact that I am in no way the first girl to ever say all the things that I have felt compelled to say about how disrespectful he has been and how poorly he has treated me during the course of the realtionship right on up to that moment by telling me that it is I who needs to accept his behavior and that I need to just “put up with it”, and “trust” him and feel “secure with him”. In his plain language that really means: Put up with HIS game.
Seriously?! (I flashed back to the hour long ride home with him and his silent treatment on the last night we spent together when I told him that I was just going to start behaving like him, since his way of doing things is NO BIG DEAL and shouldn’t be any cause for me to feel bad or sad about any of it so he should accept it too and not feel bad or sad about it either). After a visit with his friends, I went dead inside and told him I would now be like him. He thought I said that I was going to find another dude. I was simply just going to hang on guy friends and go out to breakfast and lunch with them and follow them all around including into their bedrooms if that’s where they’re headed……blah blah. I was telling him that I was now going to mirror him. He didn’t like it one bit and saw it as “tit-for-tat”. Me being Me-I said “you can’t have a ‘tat’ if there wasn’t a ‘tit’! “ooh, “CLEVER” was his response. His code word for I have a valid point that he cannot argue with. I’ve been “CLEVER” two or three other times. LOL.
He said something about him thinking that we had worked everything out a week ago after the Ex’s hug thing and it was getting really cold and we should just go in and lay down and talk about this all some other time to straighten it all out which is a lie. I know that we never talk about any problem later. How would I dare bring something up a second time that made him psychotic the first time it came up? I’m not as dumb as he thinks.
I asked him how does he explain the week since then and all the nasty mean things he has said to me since then? He doesn’t remember what was said all of a sudden, but he thinks we worked it out? huh? How could we have worked it out if he doesn’t even remember what was said? I helped him remember. He hasn’t stopped nagging or antagonizing me or sliding insults between most of what he says when he’s talking and talking and talking. He’s still going to take that girl out and see other girls and not tell me or be gone to who knows where for who knows how long and all the put downs that he can’t seem to help heap onto me….when suddenly I just stopped talking. I heard myself doing nothing but criticizing him and I am sick of hearing myself do that with him because he is a sociopath. THEY DON’T CARE!
I was quiet for a few minutes when he said…. “well, I hope you are happy with spending the last 30 minutes hurting my feelings with everything you are saying”.
I said: “You Have no feelings”.
He got out of the truck and went around to let me out.
I got out.
I went inside.
He drove away.
I am going to take Miss Donna’s suggestion that I see him as an addiction. And, maybe someday I can forgive myself.
Peace
Jenni Marie
Jenni Marie,
You have arrived at the right conclusion!
blossom4th,
I’m working on finding out what is wrong with me that allowed me to endure all the abuse beyond the point in time that I formally recognized it as abuse. I loved him, and what a sicko I was to think that he loved me too.
I will have to admit here, that I had arrived at the right conclusion many many many times throughout the whole twisted relationship. How do I explain staying with him? To me, it’s sickeningly simple: There is something wrong with me.
Here’s hoping that my enforcing NO CONTACT this time, truly means I have arrived at the right Conclusion. period.
In two more hours, I will have one full week of NO CONTACT. It has been easier to handle NC while I am at work. I have to stay focused and professional while dealing with my customers health issues. Once I am home though, my mind starts to WHIRL. When I say ‘Whirl’ I really mean it. IT SUCKS. I HAVE TO FIGHT TO TURN OFF MY THOUGHTS. It is a constant minute by minute struggle to turn off the tap of flashbacks and awful physiological responses my body is having to them all. Weird heart rate and the feeling that I have to somehow run away, far away, and as fast as I can, but I can’t move.
Thank you for affirming as a complete stranger that I have come to the right conclusion. What a difference it makes to hear it from someone else.
Is there a time when the flashbacks and the “story-retelling-in-my-mind” stops?
two more hours….I made it a week.
peace,
Jennie Marie
Jennie Marie,
I haven’t been on for a few days and from reading the posts,I see there has been some drama!Please don’t hesitate to take care of yourself by calling the police!No Contact can be rough at first because of the trauma bonding and oxytocin that create the addiction you feel.So you’re actually going through withdrawal.If you can get council at a local DV shelter,that helps greatly.Atleast have a friend or two that you can call when you feel weak.Find activities to keep your mind and body busy when you’re not working.It can be the gym;something creative;it’s up to you.Best wishes!