by Quinn Pierce
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the process of learning from our mistakes. It sounds simple enough. After all, it’s easy to look in the rear-view mirror and see exactly where we went wrong. Events always look so clear and uncomplicated when looking at them from a safe distance.
So, with a little self-reflection, we can identify those decisions that led us into unsafe territory and vow never to make them again.
Complicated Choices
But, this is where I run into a problem. I know which experiences I do not want to repeat, but the choices I made that led to those experiences are not as black and white as the experiences themselves.
For example, I chose to love someone and trust them to love me back. The problems arose because I chose someone who was incapable of love or trust, but, at the same time, that person was very good at pretending he could. I had no prior experiences to tell me that such people existed. Essentially, I was trusting in the goodness most people are born with, unaware my soon-to-be husband either wasn’t born with it, or lost it somewhere along the way.
I think this is why recovery from a sociopath is such a complicated road. Most of us did not make choices that need to be avoided throughout life, in fact, just the opposite. Love and trust are essential components of healthy relationships; we just chose people who are innately incapable of healthy relationships. That’s the part of the experience that needs to be avoided in the future, but it’s not quite so easy to detach those things from each other.
Discovering and Accepting the Truth
Once I knew my husband’s emotions were all a matter of convenience for him, I was angry, confused, frustrated, and sad. It’s taken me a long time to actually accept this as fact. I constantly held out a glimmer of hope that he was capable of, at least, compassion and understanding. If not for me, I wanted to believe this for my sons’ sake. But, it isn’t so. And the sooner I could accept this, the sooner I could move past all those emotions that were keeping me stuck and unable to break free of the relationship completely.
Necessary Steps
This was the most difficult step for me. I just couldn’t believe, despite what I had experienced, that another human being was incapable of loving his children. At least, not the way I understand love to be. He may feel obligation and some type of responsibility, but it’s only as much as he has figured out that society requires from him in order for him to be regarded as a ”˜good father’. The reality is he sees them much more as objects that belong to him than the beautiful, loving, amazing boys that they are. And, again, that is reality, and pretending otherwise does not help any of us heal, it just prohibits any chance of moving forward.
Today, I’m much more aware of the dangers hiding within some people in this world. So much so that I wouldn’t even consider myself to be an overly cautious person, just more alert to the signs I now know to be the red flags of behaviors and personalities. I’ve also learned to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.
But as far as the choices I made so many years ago that led to a disastrous and regrettable relationship, I’m not so sure those are things I need to change. I would say, instead, that my healing requires that I continue to make those same choices again, but only with those who deserve such important parts of me.
If I were to never to love or trust anyone again because of my experience with a sociopath, that would be my most regrettable choice.
Quando, the part of your story that I immediately recognized was the ease with which he comes and goes. You said that he can disappear for days. Without even trying to guess WHY he’s gone, the fact that he is in and out of your life without the usual pain of missing you is a signal. Key in on this piece of emotional vacancy, be alert to it. Intensity alternating with empty space is the pattern I recognize from my own experience. I’m on a faulty iPhone which skips while I type, but there are countless examples of this that come to my mind. Even now that we’ve separated after many years of marriage, he can take part in a family gathering, but when he leaves he doesn’t take a second look back at me. He doesn’t miss me on an emotional level. It is the oddest thing! But this was true from day one. Believe me that the charade of a relationship can go on for years and the stage props supporting it can increase. You are still evaluating this man after 14 months. Be watchful for genuine bonding or the mere pretense of it. I hope I have added to the discussion. I wish you well!
Correction:
Miss Donna, I found LoveFraud March 2012, not 2010
Quando
They’re right. Listen to your gut. SOMETHING IS Wrong. You probably noticed that something was wrong after about three or four months with him at the most. I knew after 2 or 3 months but didn’t listen to myself and denied the things I read about sociopaths one and half years into the three year relationship with him.
None of what has happened is just in your head. It is not your imagination. Is is not your fault. The sadness and anger you are feeling is real. Any happiness you get from him is short lived and probably more geared to pleasing him in some way when he is darned good and ready to get pleased.
I’m a few days No Contact as I type. I wish I could save your heart from any more pain. They cannot change their behavior even after knowing what sociopaths are, you will find that you cannot fix anything about them or expect them to care or understand what you are talking about if it sounds like you want him to be nice or to spend time with you or call you or include you…..
Miss Donna suggested that I see him as an addiction and that really hit home with me. Maybe her advice will hit home with you too. I didn’t even look at this as an addiction because I am kinda depressed and stuff right now, but I do know this: I sure don’t want any addictions that are bent on killing ‘ME’.
Trust your instincts. you are right.
Peace
Jenni Marie
Very interesting the part about not missing you. That explains why my soon to be ex husband never missed me or my son during long military deployments. He was active duty army for 22 years and often left us for a year or more. He never really missed us and always said. “Deal with it” that’s the way it is. Very coldly. I was always wondering how he was able to shut off his emotions . Now I know,he did not have any. I am also wondering if the military can turn people into narcissists or sociopaths? He was only 17 when he joined the service. I know that a lot of cops are definitely narcissistic. Well it was an extreme combination military and being a deputy . 🙁
Hi kaya48!
I chose some of your words for a post on my blog because I think they are of great significance to many people. It is your succinct illustration of disillusionment, or clear-sightedness, I have chosen; an example of losing the blinders of expectations or beliefs and seeing what actually is. Check it out: http://PsychopathResistance.wordpress.com!
Thank you so much for using my statement. It is so true, he has no emotions. I just talked to my attorney and my soon to be ex and his attorney are “launching” new attacks against me. Not only did he cheat, lie, betray and leave me, now he wants to destroy me. He is threatening to make up lies so I would lose my employment and my only income to support my son and I. He was exposed again in his affairs with his co worker and the next thing we know, he wants to make up lies about me. This is not a “normal” divorce it is breaking free from the devil. After he discarded his family, we are absolutely nothing to him. Like we never existed. It was such an illusion, even him pretending to be a father. I am so thankful he cannot have any more children. Nobody deserves his evilness.
Everyone who speaks out about their experiences with psycho/sociopaths or spreads factual information about the “cluster B” personality disorders is helping others to see themselves, their relationships, their whole lives more realistically. A realistic perspective empowers us to make the best decisions for ourselves, and also, we feel stronger when we recognize that we are not alone, that what we are going through, or have survived, is not so unusual and extreme that no one will believe us if we told them about it. It helps to learn that the abuse and the dirty tricks we have been subjected to actually are standard psychopathic behaviors. It allows us to shed any guilt we may have from being mistreated or doubts about our own sanity. It gives us the confidence to redefine and set limits on unacceptable behavior. When we recognize the patterns, we also know better what to expect so that we may prepare accordingly. We can direct our energy to where it is effective instead of wasting it on an unrealistic notion; something that will never happen, no matter how hard we try.
And then there’s the bigger picture. Just think; if everyone had awareness and understanding of psychopathy, you wouldn’t have to worry about your ex causing you to lose your job. All psychopaths lie. All psychopaths do hurtful, harmful things “without any reason.” It doesn’t always “take two to tango.” The world needs to know these things. We need to tell our stories, expose the evil-doers, and gain some clout and credibility. The time and opportunity is now with the Internet as a vehicle for all who have suffered. We can make a difference—we already have. Anyone can start a blog or post comments on websites. Let’s keep the ball rolling so the next generation, at least, has the heads-up we had to survive without.
If your ex follows through with his threat, show this discussion thread to your employer! What do you think would happen?
I have posted on this forum before about a man I have known for more than 10 years. We were never married nor did we live together. It’s a long tale of push-pull, cheating, manipulating, and hurtful absences, as we live in different towns. He left me for someone else about 8 years ago and has been with her most of this time. However we kept in touch by email and the occasional phone call, as we work for the same company and saw each other a couple of times a year at meetings but often we would be out of contact for months.
After a while I considered him a friend of sorts and chalked the experience up to bad timing and poor judgment on my part. Through counseling, meditation and the support of good friends, I finally thought I was over him. I was living a good life, had met someone new, and didn’t obsess or pine over him anymore. Until, that is, I saw him a few months ago for the first time in nearly three years. I was not prepared for the reaction I had and the intensity of the emotions I felt. He seemed to feel the same and the chemistry was palpable. We spent every possible minute together and even though I knew the list of hurts and wrongdoings from the past, I was helpless to put up boundaries. I didn’t want to! The physical attraction was so strong and I succumbed like we had never been apart.
He told me he regretted leaving me and that we were obviously destined to be together. A few days of this and I was on Cloud Nine and ready to go back and try again, thinking maybe I had misjudged him years before and should give him another chance.
Then the walls caved in. Apparently he is still with the other woman and has no plans to leave her at this time. When the meeting ended he looked as if he could cry when saying goodbye and asked me if I would get together again in a “couple of months.” But what about her, I asked? He said they have no future but he was having trouble ending it. What!? I was stunned, felt played and used, and returned home in a state of shock, wondering how I could have been so stupid and foolish.
He called a few times to say how much fun he had with me, then he stopped calling altogether. The only contact now is the occasional, almost platonic-sounding text. I keep blocking his number then can’t stand it and unblock it because I don’t want to miss his calls or texts.
What is wrong with me? How could I go there again and why did I let him in? I feel like I have been set back years and have to restart my recovery all over again. I know he is definitely a narcissist or sociopath – or both. He seems to have very little emotion or empathy unless it concerns himself. For days I have been reading articles and trying to figure out why I allowed myself to be duped once again. Why is it so hard to let go?
“What is wrong with me?” becomes the recurrent question as i analyze my past to understand this very present question. Why can’t I divorce him? Why does divorce cause this tearing pain within? My relationship with him was a series of misery and then comfort because we were finally at peace, usually because I had adapted to some concession. I am not a success story. The children are divided or have distanced themselves. I work to live independently and he holds two children, my youngest son and a grandchild as if hostage. He knows that as long as he has them under his roof, I am not far away. Thanksgiving is coming. It seems that I’m getting worse instead of better. I set my foot down about weekly dinners and it came at a personal price. It was as though I had formally declared war. A verbal campaign was launched against me mixed with declarations of his undying love. He bought himself a wedding ring, an exact duplicate of my son’s wedding ring, although he hasn’t worn a ring in over 34 years. He is forced to move in six weeks and as usual, no preparations on his part are being made. I hope he is finally forced back to his mother’s home in Texas, far from me. But I know he will not let go that easily. I know I’m not really asking a question that anyone can answer. I’m only documenting how much harder it is to leave, no less have No Contact, if you stay in a relationship with a sociopath for too long.
BackAgain and Jenni Marie, I feel for you guys. And I understand the questions you ask and the hard progress that you make. It’s war, within and without. Your posts prompted my post. — Cherith
he’s here! It’s 30 minutes away from being that week of NC I was going to have. He’s knocking…. I said through the door that I don’t want to see him anymore and that he needs to go away, but he sat down out there in the patio and keeps knocking….. this is my test. I told him ONCE. he keeps knocking….. I want to tell him again to go away, but everything I read says to tell him ONCE….. what do I do if he keeps knocking…… Now he went around to the front and is knocking on the front door… I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of saying ANYTHING ELSE to him…. I can’t call the police because he will make my life hell. He does some things that are still questionably legal. I think I may get the last word by saying nothing at all right now… this is all happening as I type.. HE ALWAYS COMES BACK WHEN I BREAK IT OFF! IT’S HIS STUPID GAME. now he is at the back door again….. okay I will tell him one more time to go away…..
He’s still out there. He sat down on the chair. He’s done this before. He talks loud enough for me to hear him. One time he said “I should have taken all those girls phone numbers when they offered them to me, but I couldn’t take them because I suppoedly had some ‘great’ girlfriend…some great girlfriend, she won’t even open the door to me”
I don’t want to look at him. He’s still out there. He must have parked his truck around the corner of the parking lot again because I didn’t hear it pull up. He’s knocking again. I’m ignoring it again.