by Quinn Pierce
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the process of learning from our mistakes. It sounds simple enough. After all, it’s easy to look in the rear-view mirror and see exactly where we went wrong. Events always look so clear and uncomplicated when looking at them from a safe distance.
So, with a little self-reflection, we can identify those decisions that led us into unsafe territory and vow never to make them again.
Complicated Choices
But, this is where I run into a problem. I know which experiences I do not want to repeat, but the choices I made that led to those experiences are not as black and white as the experiences themselves.
For example, I chose to love someone and trust them to love me back. The problems arose because I chose someone who was incapable of love or trust, but, at the same time, that person was very good at pretending he could. I had no prior experiences to tell me that such people existed. Essentially, I was trusting in the goodness most people are born with, unaware my soon-to-be husband either wasn’t born with it, or lost it somewhere along the way.
I think this is why recovery from a sociopath is such a complicated road. Most of us did not make choices that need to be avoided throughout life, in fact, just the opposite. Love and trust are essential components of healthy relationships; we just chose people who are innately incapable of healthy relationships. That’s the part of the experience that needs to be avoided in the future, but it’s not quite so easy to detach those things from each other.
Discovering and Accepting the Truth
Once I knew my husband’s emotions were all a matter of convenience for him, I was angry, confused, frustrated, and sad. It’s taken me a long time to actually accept this as fact. I constantly held out a glimmer of hope that he was capable of, at least, compassion and understanding. If not for me, I wanted to believe this for my sons’ sake. But, it isn’t so. And the sooner I could accept this, the sooner I could move past all those emotions that were keeping me stuck and unable to break free of the relationship completely.
Necessary Steps
This was the most difficult step for me. I just couldn’t believe, despite what I had experienced, that another human being was incapable of loving his children. At least, not the way I understand love to be. He may feel obligation and some type of responsibility, but it’s only as much as he has figured out that society requires from him in order for him to be regarded as a ”˜good father’. The reality is he sees them much more as objects that belong to him than the beautiful, loving, amazing boys that they are. And, again, that is reality, and pretending otherwise does not help any of us heal, it just prohibits any chance of moving forward.
Today, I’m much more aware of the dangers hiding within some people in this world. So much so that I wouldn’t even consider myself to be an overly cautious person, just more alert to the signs I now know to be the red flags of behaviors and personalities. I’ve also learned to trust my instincts and stand up for myself.
But as far as the choices I made so many years ago that led to a disastrous and regrettable relationship, I’m not so sure those are things I need to change. I would say, instead, that my healing requires that I continue to make those same choices again, but only with those who deserve such important parts of me.
If I were to never to love or trust anyone again because of my experience with a sociopath, that would be my most regrettable choice.
First thing I thought was OMG! Jennie, you are being harassed. He’s in your space and doesn’t belong there. Don’t open the door or speak to him. But face this SOB down and call the police. He has to know you mean this or it will never end. I’m praying for you, Jennie.
Jennie, I’m right here praying and waiting to hear from you. You can do this! Have courage.
Time to face down “hell”, but not alone. Get help.
it’s 2:53am. he finally left. he left a note on the gate, written on the back of an old receipt. It says:
AND I WISH FOR YOU EVERY GOOD WISH. I HOPE YOU GO TO HEAVEN WITH A SMILE
does that make any sense to anyone out there? makes none to me.
I think I can go to bed now that he is gone. He doesn’t know it, but after he stopped knocking for a while, I went out into the patio and looked in the parking lot and saw his truck was still there so I went back inside real quick. Then I heard it start and so I went outside to listen to the engine to make sure he was really leaving. He drove out of the complex and went around and parked on the street on one side of my complex that has single family homes across the street. He parked and I saw him walk into the complex toward my patio so I went inside again and turned off all the lights and peaked out the blinds. He didn’t go into the patio so I went over to the front door and peaked out the spy hole and saw him walk past my apartment and out the breezeway into the parking lot again. I went around to the back door and by then he must have stuck that note up. I went outside and listened for his truck and sure enough, I heard it start up and drive off, so I listened some more to make sure he didn’t come back into the complex and so far he hasn’t.
I PASSED THE TEST! I DIDN’T OPEN THE DOOR! I DIDN’T TRY TO HAVE A NEVER-ENDING, CIRCLE-ABOUT TO BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING- CONVERSATION WITH HIM!! I DID IT~!!
He’ll show up again.
People, I have a confession. I completely messed up. We were split up near the end of August. He had been flirting with this 20 something friend of his friend for months, ever since he found out that his good buddy liked the girl and wanted to be introduced to her. Not to be outdone, my ‘guy’ had to step in the way of his friend ‘getting the girl instead of him’. Disgusting, but true and I knew it. It’s how he is. He has to win and is not ashamed to tell his friends ‘thanks for letting me win’. He had been disappearing to ‘help’ this girls brother supposedly. All ‘innocent’. I don’t want to really think about how sad and jealous and furious I was when I started to put two and two together about all that. Those are the feelings that I am trying to escape from to this day anyway, so what’s the point of telling you all how sucky it all felt/feels. You know.
I was finally so hurt (I thought) that all I wanted to do was get away from him. I told him again that I just couldn’t deal with his lifestyle and the way he treated me anymore and we stopped seeing each other.
He said it was my fault for over reacting to everything anyway and he couldn’t deal with that anymore. It was with heartfelt truth when I told him that if he stays with me he needs to expect that I will never be a quiet mouse and I will never shut-up about any wrongdoing toward me by anyone or toward anyone else and he knows it. We both agree that I am not afraid to point out the BS on anything including what he says. (which of course makes me an even tougher challenge for him to conquer control over, because I am not easily impressed and question every thing). If only I could listen to my own advice, lol.
I already knew that he would ‘come back’ to me and ‘show up’ whenever he felt like it, so I decided that I would have to get a new place to live so he couldn’t just show up and I wouldn’t be living in the constant state of anxiety, wondering when he was going to show up. So I got a new apt in the same complex with the new car I got that he wouldn’t recognize. I hoped.
He showed up at the old apartment on the last day I was even going to be there. I was cleaning a few last things for my move out inspection and it had been two weeks since I had seen him and I guess I just wasn’t expecting him to show up during day light hours with the sun still shining, but he did. At first he tried to play off finding out that I was moving as something that hurt his feelings. When I didn’t seem to feel sorry for him, he got angry and started the ‘cock of the walk’ thing that he does while saying mean and hurtful things about me in the process and leaning over me and glaring at me with cold dark eyes. He’s 6’3″ 230lbs and I’m 5’5″ 104lbs. I can’t explain it but when he does that it feels like he is going to knock me down and eat my guts out.
Four days after that, I found myself driving up to his cabin. He was there with friends. That one girl showed up with her brother after I got there to pick up something that my ex had accidentally taken away from her house.
He gave me a few minutes to talk to him away from the crowd and I told him that I just wanted him to know that I really loved him and that I wanted him to know that he needs to stop going around telling girls that he loves them when it’s not true at all and it’s okay if he likes to run around and play, but it’s not okay when he’s running around and playing on someone’s heart.
That night was my 50th birthday.
I went home after it was clear that he wasn’t going to let me talk to him privately any more that night. He wanted me to join the party because after all, it was my birthday. His friends were all nice to me, and I’m sure they have no idea what I have been going through with him.
Well, within a few days after that night, I answered his phone calls and within a few more days we were walking into my new place together as if to begin anew.
See, if only I had kept NO CONTACT after I moved then I would not have gone through the last two months of the grandest show of ‘Discarding’ you have ever seen. It was so intense that it was more obvious than before that he was not only not making any effort to take responsibility for his actions, but he was increasing the behavior that I despised so much, until last week at his friends house, when my whole body shook and I knew, deep inside me that I was dead and all I felt with him was sadness and insecurity. He sucked all the joy out of me and I couldn’t breathe.
Now I am going to have to find another place to live again. But this time, I have blocked his number so he can’t call me and I am going to move in a way that he won’t know and can’t show up during the cleaning process. My brother is going to help me quietly disappear.
How dare I question why I am so afraid he’ll show up when it is me who brought him home to my new place? If that is not crazy then what it? Is this how they all operate? Do they have such a hold on us that we really do end up feeling like we must be crazy? I know I am not, but come on, why did I tell him about my new place!!!!!
cherith10
no one has ever prayed for me before, thank you for trying to help me
Well done, Jenni, you held him off and he went away.
Chances are, all you have to do is keep on doing the same thing if he tries it again. With any luck, eventually he’ll give up.
The message he sent is confusing because it’s deliberately self-contradictory, but the reference to “heaven” sounds like a veiled threat. I strongly advise keeping that note, just in case you need to present evidence of harassment at any time in the future.
If he escalates to anything nastier, you shouldn’t be afraid to call the police and get him removed. If he does “make your life hell,” hey, that’s what he’s doing anyway, so what do you have to lose by calling in help? But if you can wear him down and get him to give up without all that extra fuss, just by ignoring him, so much the better.
I’m glad to hear you say you’re “not easily impressed and question every thing.” I was remarking the other day on another thread that too many people are just plain gullible. They believe anything anyone tells them instead of challenging it when it seems dubious. I’m not surprised you’ve caught this guy out in a lot of BS.
I was especially struck by the way he was going after this 20-something girl simply because his buddy liked her. He sounds like the kind of asshole whose idea of “entertainment” is messing other people’s lives up. That’s the last kind of person anyone would want for a partner, so you’re well rid of him.
Glad you’re alright, Jenni. Yes, you’ve been prayed for.
I have to laugh. I woke up at 10am and I thought I was late for work and scrambled out of bed to try and get ready to show up 2 hours late for work….. I don’t work on Sundays, hahaha.
I peeked out the back slider door to see if his note was still stuck to the gate, and guess what? It is now stuck to the slider itself with a little piece of duct tape at an almost perfect height for my eye level, with the words facing inward for me to read from inside…
He has a terminally ill friend and I wondered if maybe that friend passed away….with a smile. Otherwise where on Earth would this guy even come up with this comment? He’s not that deep. He doesn’t really care about all the friends who are gone now. He just counts them on his fingers and how they could have lived longer if they would have just done ____ (fill in the blank). sick.
That means he came back between 4am last night and now. If he knocked when he came back then I didn’t hear him, and it’s daylight now so he won’t go around to the front side because there would be too many chances for other residents to see him.
Last night was intense. This morning I am fighting my thoughts of feeling sorry for him. Isn’t this the sickest thing you can think of? Feeling sorry for THEM?!
Would it be wrong for me to look at this NO CONTACT thing I am trying to enforce as a survival game? Like him, I like to win too, but I like to play by the rules. Is NO CONTACT the only rule for dealing with sociopaths to get them to stay away from us? I am confused by him, because he keeps coming back around. If I am such a “B###H” and “Too stupid to be his girlfriend”….why would he even come around in the first place…..
He and his whole life is an oxymoronic trip down weirdo lane.
I’ve decided to take the detour and get off weirdo lane.
I guess later today I will stop feeling sorry for him as soon as I start thinking about all the things he did to me that weren’t very nice.
Yes, he enjoys making others lives miserable at every chance. He is also one of those “FRENEMYS” who sneaks in an insult between a half-ass compliment. Like, “that color shirt looks a lot better on you than the shirt you were wearing the other day that washed your complexion out”.
laugh.
peace,
Jennie Marie
Any comment about going to heaven has morbid connotations”
Jennie Marie,
We often become so embroiled in our relationships with these very dark people that we can’t see straight anymore. Distance yourself immediately so you can start healing.
You need to have one good friend that can talk you down every time you THINK you need to see or speak to him. He is giving you all kinds of warning signals that this connection you have to him will end VERY BADLY.
If you are feeling sorry for him then that just proves what a great job he is doing manipulating you. Sometimes in life we have to face the fact that we will never be able to ‘make a thoroughbred out of a jackass.’
That’s a great expression! See what I made out of it: http://way.to/SalemWitchHunt
Sunday morning and he was still parked in my lot. I pretended not to see him, but I saw him pull away, and as I pulled out onto the street I saw him go out one of the complex driveways, headed toward his house. I got gas across the street, then drove past his house to make sure his truck was there and it was, so I felt like I could go to my regular coffee place and he wouldn’t show up in his truck like he has done before during prior break ups.
WRONG. He had left his truck in his driveway and walked over to the coffee shop. I’m less than a mile from him and the coffee house is right down the street from him.
While I was in the drive-thru, he walked up to my drivers side window and asked if there was any chance that I would want to talk to him today. I said I don’t think so. He pointed over there and said he would just wait over there if I decided to talk to him, but I said I didn’t think I had anything to say to him. He then asked if I would give him a ride home.
I know at this point it was 12:02pm from the sticker receipt thing on my cup. I drove the .2 mile to his house and parked out front. He had a huge thick down jacket on and he said he was hot on the sun, so I backed up into the shade of the tree by his mailbox.
I thought he would get out, as I WAS giving him a ride home, but we ended up sitting there, talking about everything else in the world except for OUR PROBLEMS. FOR TWO HOURS! I heard myself tell him once that he is a grumpy pill, pissy, complainy negative kind of person but that is beside the point.
He finally got out when the topic turned to auto body repair and we got out to look at my car. I mentioned that this new car would be expensive to repair if it got hit on the rear panels, blah blah blah, then he said that he better call his friend ‘R’ whose dog just died so he can make the plans to help bury him on the guys property. hardpan. hard to dig in…..blah blah blah.
I left. I didn’t see him the rest of the day sunday. I didn’t mention the note he left on my door about I WISH YOU THE BEST OF WISHES AND I HOPE YOU GO TO HEAVEN WITH A SMILE and neither did he.
Today, I am having fake jealousy feelings because I know him so well that he is probably visiting one of his ‘girls’. and if I were with him, later on I would hear some lie about where he really was today…..
He kind of used the pity thing by asking for a ride, didn’t he.
Jenni Marie,
The wonderful thing about keeping No Contact is that YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE—THEY LOSE THAT CONTROL!
So your ex is “creative” in finding ways to break NC.GET CREATIVE YOURSELF!Whenever you go thru a drive-thru,keep your doors locked and all windows up except yours.BTW,I’d find another coffee shop if AT ALL possible!!! He’s banking on you going there!He knows your routine!You have to be honest with yourself.Why would you even want to go near his house?!!So change your routine in whatever ways you can,change the locks on your doors and windows.Install a security system and porch light/motion detector.Talk to your neighbors and the police.
When you mentioned that the two of you set in the car and talked for two hrs,I thought “uh-huh,that’s how they work you up!”My husband did the same thing.I did my best to be understanding and compassionate;I would often apologize when I wasn’t even at fault,hoping to ‘make peace’.Once he started talking,it would be non-stop verbal abuse,twisting my words;my motives….and my mind!!!
Obvious baiting. You knew it but you went for it. Why? I think you need to decide where you stand and stick to it.