Some of our greatest life lessons are learned after we think we already passed the test.
I believed that ending my marriage to a sociopath would be the defining step to my recovery and healing. I committed myself to a healthy lifestyle, and practiced the long-forgotten skill of believing in myself and trusting my instincts.
So, it came as quite a surprise that there was much more work to be done if I wanted to rid my life of the residual effects of a toxic fifteen year relationship.
Starting Over
By the time I met the man who would turn out to be the real love of my life, I thought I had grown and healed much more than I actually had.
Not eager to start a new relationship, I spent time after my divorce just getting to know myself again. I practiced listening to my inner voice and trusting my initial gut reactions.
Then, I met Max, and for once, there was an easy comfortable feeling just being around someone else. But, the beginning of our relationship would not be quite so easy. As confident as I was about my own emotional growth since the divorce, there were other factors that I hadn’t realized would interfere.
For one thing, I had virtually no experience in a healthy relationship. I had many years of experiencing every day events with a very unhealthy partner. And a couple of months into my new relationship, this would become painfully clear as a familiar scenario unfolded with a very unfamiliar script.
Automatic Response
One unusually chilly evening when Max came to my house for dinner, we started to notice just how cold it was inside as the evening went on. It didn’t take long to figure out that the heat was not coming on. Max went down to check the oil tank and furnace. I followed him half way down the stairs when I heard him say I’d run out of heating oil, and I froze in place. I couldn’t move; I was terrified.
My only prior experience with running out of oil happened years earlier when I was still married to my now ex-husband. At the time, my ex-husband’s response was so volatile, that I packed the boys in the car and went to stay overnight at my parents’ house (where I pretended it was no big deal, just easier to stay there in case the heat was off all night.)
Uncertainty
After a few moments, I realized Max was talking to me, but I didn’t know what he was saying. Then it clicked that he was asking if I knew the number of the oil company. I found the number and dialed without saying anything. I handed him the phone while he just looked at me with a slightly odd expression.
Max put the phone on speaker and started talking to the technician. Meanwhile, I started pacing around the basement, my hands trembling but abruptly stopped when I heard”¦laughter?
I was expecting anger, but I was definitely hearing laughter. It turns out I was experiencing a reaction to something that wasn’t happening. It was a classic post-traumatic stress response.
By the time the oil company came and filled the tank, I was feeling a bit more relaxed until we realized the technician left, but the furnace wasn’t starting. Another phone call revealed there was a procedure that needed to be done which neither of us knew how to do, but Max put the phone on speaker again and had the technician talk us through it rather than have him come out for a weekend late night service call charge.
New Experiences Replace Old
After nearly an hour of following step by step instructions that led to broken tools, missing parts, and an impressive oil spill, my stomach hurt and tears were rolling down my face from laughing.
As we were cleaning up the mess we made, I apologized. Max stopped and simply asked, “For what?”
I thought for a moment and said, “For running out of oil.”
His response would be a turning point in my recovery. Without even looking up, he said, “Why is it your fault for running out of oil? It happens, no big deal.”
A Very Big Deal
But, to me, that’s exactly what this experience was– a very big deal.
I saw that my reactions were based on years of my ex-husband’s reactions. I had removed the toxic person from my life, but not the learned behaviors and unhealthy relationship skills acquired along the way.
Divorcing my ex-husband had been a crucial first step, but there was more work ahead of me if I wanted to truly be rid of him.
Next Steps
Max and I have not had an easy road, by any means, but when two people support the health and healing of each other, it is a gift I can’t begin to describe.
I now know that a healthy relationship requires personal reflection with an open mind, willingness to admit mistakes, and commitment to changing our own negative behaviors.
Sociopaths are inherently opposed to all three of these actions. My ex-husband did not grow, change, or even attempt to change in fifteen years.
His patterns are too ingrained and his behaviors are necessary to his survival. Instead of understanding, sociopaths chose to blame; instead of support, they chose to berate and abuse. They can have no positive effect on anyone they encounter, including their own family.
I made have paid a high price for the years I spent with a toxic spouse, but being able to remove all traces of his negative, miserable life from mine is priceless.
Hello,
I can completely relate to this article and the one ‘Divorced from a Sociopath’. I have a sociopathic sister who has made my life a misery for 40 years. I finally tossed her out of my life 5 years ago when she tried to destroy my daughter’s 1st birthday.
Over the years I came to understand that she was so conscienceless and such a great actor that if I crossed her (ie said ‘no’) to her then my extended family interstate who were incredibly important to me would get phone calls from her with histrionics and tall tales and then they would take me to task over it and do her dirty work for her in the mistaken belief that I was the monster.
With my own parents dead since I was a teen, I didn’t want to lose more family so I tolerated it until my children were born and that was it. I have lost the majority of 1 side of my family. Thank goodness the other side trust their own judgement.
There has been havoc and huge amounts of collateral damage: I’ve had to jettison all the mutual friends to stop her games.
It has taken therapy and years to come to terms with what life with her was like and that she thrives on the destruction of my family ties and she will get away with it all as she has no remorse of guilt about anyone that doesn’t serve her.
Life is relatively peaceful. I get horrible texts messages from various cousins occasionally and I’ve learnt enough not to buy into the drama that they are trying to create on behalf of my sister.
I wouldn’t have her back in my life for anything or anyone. There’s consequences and damage that go with it but my children, their safety and well being come first and they will never be exposed to her.
I try to see the silver lining and lessons in going through this- some days are easier than others. It stings that she will never be made to account for her insane, destructive behaviour (like when she chose the day of her 1st husband’s Grandmother’s funeral to take a moving truck & commence emptying thr house. He came home between the funeral and wake and found her… Needless to say she has convinced the extended family that he’s a monster like me……).
I remind myself that being her is the punishment but that explanation doesn’t always do the job.
I am very grateful to get away….. :))
I haven’t posted here in awhile. Well, I just wanted to say you are not alone. I too have a sociopathic sister. I was grateful that for about 3 decades she chose to live in a far away city, away from me and my children. Unfortunately, due to a sudden job loss, she also lost her apartment and moved back in with our parents for a couple of years, this was about 3 years ago. (she finally found a job and moved away again, but comes back every weekend!). When she moved back with our parents (who live close to me and my kids), it was like a toddler with a baseball bat in a china shop, through our lives and the havoc and drama she created. My kids are teens and they LOVE their “cool aunt.” It sickens me how she wormed her way in and influences them (usurping my role as their mother). She is crass, cruel, center of attention, and puts on a very good act to make me look like the bad one. Yes, indeed, I know exactly what you mean! I just wanted you to know you are NOT alone. I am now glad she is not here full time, but in the short time she was here, she did a lot of damage. She has been this way since as long as I can remember. My best defense against her is to try to stay off her radar as much as possible. But it is tough because especially with social media, she and my kids have direct access to each other, without my ability to oversee, supervise, etc. What she is doing is terribly wrong, harmful, and because part of what she does is to undermine or badmouth me, it confuses the kids and our parents, who tend to side with my sister for the stories she tells to them about how I have “hurt her feelings.” I’m so very sick of this…
Quinn – thank you so much for your insight!
I, too, found the real love of my life about a year after my divorce from the sociopath. I can certainly say that having been in the nasty relationship makes me so appreciative of my pleasant, comforting, cooperative and loving new relationship.
Good for you Quinn. Nothing heals us like love does. Being in a relationship that is peaceful and comforting may sound boring to some, but it’s a god-sent. I see patients regularly that are in toxic relationships that the cannot pull out of. Their husbands cheat, lie, steal, are underemployed (if at all), and create chaos in their lives. Yet they stay, and even when the spath leave then, the spend their energies trying to get them back. I realize many are addicted to the drama, but I think it goes deeper. I’ve come to believe that victims of abuse are exposed to higher than normal neurotransmitters and stress hormones than most people. This heighten state leads to feelings of, for lack of a better word “depression” when they are not under stress, or more aptly described – they don’t feel as alive. It’s a hard cycle to break. It’s hard to ever feel “normal” within the confines of a “normal” relationship, even while their normal was anything but. Life on the normal side feels boring and stifling. It takes therapy, good introspection and often medication at least short term to settle into a new normal state of being. I think that’s what the most successful survivors have managed to do. I wish there was standardized therapy paradigm for treating these victims.
Quinn,
Thank-you for sharing your healing with all of us. You are so good at describing what you have been through, with so much clarity. It is really a gift!
I also experienced this in my new (2.5 yr) marriage. Especially in the beginning. I didn’t spend 15 years in any one bad-man relationsham, but I have had a series of short term entanglements, that also left me with a rather damaged nervous system. The tenth chair hits the nail on the head talking about how our body chemistries change/adapt to repeated abuse. My adaptation began in childhood due to family abuse and neglect, and then I ‘repeated’ that pattern in an interrupted series of abusive boyfriends and friends.
Some of my ways of being in a relationship, when I think ‘back’ on them, still fill me with humility. I had made adjustments that so undermined my own agency, my genuineness, and my abilities.
Finding out how to become compassionate for who I had adapted myself to be was a big step for me. Finding forgiveness for myself was huge (and something I still find comes up).
Finding a partner that can also hold this compassion is icing on the cake.
Again, thank-you for your eloquent sharing…..
Quinn,
Thank you again for sharing another part of your story,and doing so very eloquently!I find myself looking forward to your next article!
I was able to see myself in that story even though I haven’t moved on to another relationship.When I see a person become uncharacteristically angry,I nearly panic as it takes me back to the time when I was still with spath.Then when I realize I can just walk away and not feel any repercussions,I feel exhuberant;a little like laughing,a little like crying!
I realize that what you’re saying holds true;that we have to relearn how to act in healthy relationships.But in the meantime,just being at peace and learning about myself is enough!
Dedicated to the readers here at Lovefraud: http://youtu.be/22zB6Soc2Gk
Thank you Quinn,
Great article, very valid points. It seems to me that recovery is much like an excavation of all our internal false beliefs as well as responses learned from our attempts to make the toxic relationship with a N/P/S work.
I did make an attempt to date again, and found that I had attracted another spath. I did not exit immediately , but did end it much sooner than the first time. Now I am taking the time to rebuild my boundaries and heal my initial trauma.
To Blossom4th, I don’t know if you recall me, we met here early this year? I am not going to post on LF after this because the last one knew my background and I suspect he had uncovered my posts on here. I know it sounds nuerotic, but I am fairly certain that is how he knew the things he did about me. I hope you are well, I wish you wholeness and happy healing. Hugs
Donna, I believe that a man I dated googled my user name and read my old posts here. He admitted to being psychopathic about 2 months into dating. Very deranged and odd tells followed. I ended the connection to him. No tears this time. Thank you for the education you give here, it helped me spot him and commit to no dating. Many well wishes to you.
Bluemosaic
Quinn, this is a great article! I’m a little over two years out of a seven year relationship with a sociopath and, though I hope to have a healthy relationship at some point, like Mia, I’ve struggled with wondering if every man I see is secretly a monster. Your article made me recall something I hadn’t thought about for awhile…before the sociopath, I had had a long happy and peaceful relationship with a good man. It ended because I wanted marriage and children and he had already been down that road and in the end, didn’t want to do it again. We parted as friends. The sociopath had a habit of blaming me for things that I had literally no control over (getting stuck in traffic was a favorite) and I became so traumatized by this that if we were in the car together and I saw traffic ahead I would start shaking and ask to go home (because of course, it was my fault we were going anywhere in the first place). He would then berate me for being nervous and upset. When this first occurred, I mentioned that the man I had been involved with before never minded traffic (or whatever the issue was) and the sociopath told me it was because he wasn’t invested in the relationship and didn’t care one way or the other enough about me to point out my shortcomings or poor behavior. I knew that this was crazy, but looking back, I now realize how expertly the sociopath manipulated me so that I didn’t walk away. In fact, one of the very last things the sociopath said to me the last time I saw him was to say that my ex had been a con man who put up with me because he was getting something in return and had he really cared about me, he would have pointed all these things out too. I often think of Julia Roberts in the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, when she escapes and is on her own, and realizes that she is still lining up all the cans in the cupboard perfectly and making sure the towels are hanging perfectly and then intentionally messes them up. In these past two years, although I am alone, there have been times when I found myself doing something a certain way because that was the way the sociopath insisted on it…and the sense of relief when I realized I could do it any way I wanted to now, and that to anyone normal, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.
Blue,
Yes,I do remember you!I’m sorry to hear that your name was googled and your posts were read.I can understand your hesistancy to post ever again.But I’m so glad that with education you were able to protect yourself from getting involved in a relationship with another sociopath!So even if you don’t post,please continue reading.It will keep you strong!
Mia M &HM,
Although feeling stronger,I AM having problems with trust!But,oh how good it does feel not to have to listen to spath verbally abuse me!He used to tell me when we moved that he wanted EVERYTHING put in it’s place THE SAME DAY;even pictures hung if I could get help :0.I took my time setting up my apt…it was a month before I started hanging pictures!
HanaleiMoon, I feel your pain. I was married for 23 years had three kids, divorce took five years. I still have high anxiety when I am “supposed” to do things. Or when things I am doing would be “bad” in spath’s eyes. for instance, My kids and I have not gone on vacation in ten years, nowhere. To afraid to leave my house, he may break in etc… But now the bid D is finally over and I am going, to the ocean with my kids. That voice in my head keeps telling me “no its bad, you cant afford it, etc…,” It’s his voice and what he would have said to get me to stay in the home. I realized he is still controlling my ever move even though he has been gone a long time. Wow, what a mind game I letting him still pull with me! I continually tell myself “its ok” . Wish there was a magic wand to wave and make me normal again. I have not had a relationship and am scared to be in one. This site is wonderful, just knowing that others are dealing with the same issues after spath’s control.
Hi Kimgrace2012,
I just got back from a wonderfully healing trip to the ocean. Much of the emotional work I did there was coming to terms with being a victim so I could grieve and move forward with my life. This website has helped me considerably also because the stories are so familiar. I have come to realize that the entire relationship from beginning to end was a manipulation. Yes, the blame thing is ridiculous in hindsight. He blamed me for a flat tire he got in his car while on his way to the liquor store because he found out I had prayed for his safety. “I knew you had done some thing to cause this.”
While I was at the ocean i still battled fear and paranoia but i tried to fight it and I worked hard to feel the warmth of the sun on my face, to listen to the maternal beat of the waves and remember a time before this man when I walked on beaches with bare feet innocent and happy. I tried to soak up this good feeling for the next time i do not feel as positive and strong. It is a heck of a journey, I admire your strength and courage. Have fun with your kids, let that beautiful little girl in you shine again.
Thank you, thank you to Quinn and all who posted in response!
I am 2 years into a relationship with a kind, supportive man after a 16-year marriage to a spath. New Guy is also smart, hilariously funny, and generally meets every healthy criterion I could wish for in a man. And yet …
I find myself obsessing about “problems” that don’t exist: He eats junk food; that means he’s going to keel over from a heart attack any minute. He doesn’t excite me the way my ex did; ohmygod, that means I’m not attracted to him and this relationship will end badly. And sometimes when nothing in particular is going on, I feel depressed – what’s up with that?? That must mean I’ll NEVER be happy.
TenthChair, your insight was so helpful. Just knowing that others have these experiences makes me feel better. I do wish there was specific therapeutic intervention for adjusting to normal life and healthy relationships. (Hey-where do you practice?)
To Blossom4th – I laughed out loud at your experience of having to put everything in its place on moving day. My ex made me do the same thing! My particular delight is in moving pictures around on the walls, making extra nail holes without a care. Hey, they’re MY damn walls and I can spackle them if I want to – or not!
I’d love to hear from more women adjusting to healthy relationships. Support group anyone?