by Quinn Pierce
When I first met my ex-husband, I was moved by the amount of compassion and sympathy he showed for the traumatic experiences of my past. To me, it was an endearing quality for someone to be so caring and supportive. He kept telling me how honored he was that I trusted him enough to tell him things I hadn’t talked to many people about before.
Ulterior Motives
I look back with cringe-inducing clarity, and I recognize several ulterior motives for his false compassion. For one, he was assessing me as a partner. He learned that, at the time, I was a very secretive person. I had a select few people I confided in, and I was not one to talk to others about my own painful experiences.
This is a very appealing trait, I can imagine, to a sociopath. My ex-husband knew I would not be quick to complain to others about anything he would do in the future, or recognize his actions for the abuse they would be.
Secondly, he was testing my dedication and trust toward him. How much would I divulge, how comfortable could he make me feel?
Lastly, and this proved to be painfully true of all confidences in our relationship, he was stockpiling ammunition for use at a later date. He would often condemn me in verbal tirades for those same things he would show so much sympathy for earlier.
The Real Victim
Eventually, he was able to twist my perception of certain events so that he would be portrayed as the victim, while I was always responsible for making him feel bad and playing the victim.
This happened so frequently and with such conviction on his part, that after my separation, I was actually surprised when someone I was talking to referred to me as a victim. I didn’t even know how to respond. I almost denied what sounded to me like an accusation, but I didn’t say a word while I let the information sink in.
It took several months of counseling and reprocessing memories for me to understand that I was the actual victim in the relationship. It would be even longer before I could equate my experiences with what I considered ‘real victims’. I had yet to learn exactly what psychological abuse was or how far reaching the effects were. It was more than just living with someone who could manipulate my actions and rewrite memories, it was like being the test subject to a mad scientist who was rewiring my brain.
Separating Fact From Fiction
The first thing I had to do in order to begin healing was separate the realities of my marriage with the illusion of the life my ex-husband worked so hard to maintain. That meant believing and accepting the fact that I was a victim. This was difficult for me to digest. I have always been sympathetic to other people who have experienced abuse, but for me to accept sympathy from others was a very uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it would make me appear to be a weak character. Someone who was seeking attention or causing drama. All the things I avoided in my life, and all the things my ex-husband thrived on.
However, my thought process was innately flawed, mostly because of the picture my ex-husband painted of me for so many years. There were so many characteristics of him that I didn’t like and wanted to free myself from, one of which was the recurring role of victim. I was not rushing to take on that role, myself.
Once the understanding dawned, it was like I had opened my eyes after a long sleep. I finally saw the truth: He was never the victim, I was.
That realization changed everything. It empowered me to take back control of my life by validating my experiences, feelings, and struggles. It connected me with other survivors. And that is a key difference between the sociopathic victim role play and real victims, we recognize that the victimization is over, and we have survived. My ex-husband needs to keep himself in the role of victim to suit his needs and perpetuate his manipulation. He has no desire to move past that role, because it isn’t real.
From Victim to Survivor
Real victims of these empathy-lacking individuals are warriors, survivors, and eventually, healers. We share our experiences and search for answers hoping to make sense of what we experienced. We grow and change and thrive.
Admitting I was a victim meant reclaiming my life. I am not responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, I am responsible for mine. I cannot change how he lives his life and who he hurts, cheats, or manipulates along the way, but it will no longer be me.
Ironically, those initial traits he found so beneficial to his success as an abuser are the very traits that changed because of his abuse. In my quest for peace and healing, the most rewarding part of my recovery is sharing my story with as many people as I can. No longer embarrassed or shamed into silence, the experience freed my voice and my spirit.
My fifteen years of subtle manipulation and abuse gave me the incentive to figure out who he really was so I would never become a victim of anyone like him again. And, in the process, I learned that secrets are the abusers tools of control and manipulation.
Maybe he should have payed more attention to my ‘silly little interests’ during our marriage. He was quick to belittle and minimize anything I enjoyed or anything others saw as a talent. Unfortunately for him, topping the list is one I have turned into an extremely rewarding career choice: Writer.
‘Divorce Corp’ documentary exposes corrupt and collusive divorce industry – even before the sociopaths show up
Quinn, thank you for another incredibly articulated post. The most astonishing part to me is all of these sociopaths have the same exact play book…they do the same abusive, manipulative, cunning behavior no matter what walk of life they come from. Absolutely mind blowing!
Everything you wrote is exactly what happened to me… in the beginning of knowing him just as a friend I was very uncomfortable with his digging into my life, not that I was hiding anything too but I had never met someone who I now recognize as a habitual boundary breaker especially as a new friend, he too would twist everything around and literally mimic what happened to me into his story (to change my perception). I remember early when this happened thinking I need to get away form this guy, but he was crafty enough to keep me in his tornado along with everyone else with his pity play.
He knows exactly how to get things he wants out of people to suck them in and keep them in his crazy game. By him using this boundary breaking method right from the get go he is able to throws people off in following their gut and truly seeing the marching band of red flags he parades around with daily.
I think one of the biggest issues in their behavior is it not familiar to a normal person, we do not know how to deal with their constant boundary invasion, in addition throw in that we were raised to be polite & honest it’s a recipe for disaster when meeting one of these evil people.
Thank you for choosing a career in writing, so glad you pursued your passion!!
Quinn, I LOVE that you are a writer and that you can use your past painful experiences to further your writing career. I am reminded of Alanis Morrissette who turned a very painful discard she experienced with a man into a number one hit! I love to write, too, though for now I limit my writing to internet blogging and journaling on occasion.
I can honestly say that since I left the home of my sociopathic stepfather at 16 years of age, I have not experienced much belittling and criticism by a mate. I released his abuse (physical especially) energetically when I was 23, and since then, I’ve not attracted not had any tolerance for angry, physically or verbally abusive men. I attract the emotionally unavailable ones, and that is a whole other story. Sigh.
Rather, I had a mother who was very jealous of me. I was never able to share my joys and triumphs with her. She would quickly change the subject (to be about her). It was one of the reasons we were estranged 3 years prior to her death last year. It’s very similar with my sister with whom I was thrown into contact in order to deal with my mother’s estate. I must carefully conceal my happiness and the fun parts of my life from her. She will become jealous and resentful, because she is unhappy. Apparently, I was not destined for a happy life. My parents and stepparents set me up to fail. In spite of the life of misery they groomed me for, I have always managed to find some joy and mirth in life. I have danced and have traveled albeit on a shoestring budget, and have kept a sense of humor. This has sustained me throughout many years of depression. And it still sustains me while working through various issues. Admittedly, I do go into a fantasy world a lot. This can work for or against me. But the positive aspect of fantasizing is that my dreams and visions of how life *could* be have helped me lift myself out of the cesspool I grew up in that was destined to be my self-perpetuated future. Many people never make this shift.
Quinn – Brilliant, brilliant observations on how he manipulated you into believing he was the victim. I am so glad that you have figured out what he did, and could articulate it for Lovefraud readers.
Quinn,
I wholeheartedly relate to your experiences. It does my heart good when I read the words of others that are intrinsically identical to my own experience with my ex-husband the psychopath.
“…he was stockpiling ammunition for use at a later date.”
I can so relate to this assertion. My ex was constantly creating environments that he knew would bring about an emotionally negative response from me, and he was there, ready to compile information about me that he could eventually use against me.
For example: I was his 2nd wife. When I met him he was embroiled in battle with his 1st wife in court. He had a whole room in his house with paper piled to the ceiling and would often lament about how torturous the process was, how crazy his 1st wife was and what a victim he was. I remember he even showed me small cassette tapes that recorded conversations he had with his ex (without her knowledge). Red Flag, right? Too bad I was so enamored with him the last thing I wanted to do was over analyze the demise of his first marriage….I just wanted the divorce to happen asap. In retrospect, I do believe it was direct pressure from me that finally made him settle with his 1st wife. I do believe it would have dragged on for decades. When I look back now I see how badly he wanted to “win” over his 1st wife. A woman that gave him 4 sons and worked full time during their marriage..a normal man would have wanted to end a marriage like this in the quickest, least painful way as possible….it would not be a WIN thing….a normal man would realize no one wins in this type of situation. Now fast forward 4 years, we have been married for a couple years and were getting ready to go on an annual camping trip…
My ex and I were preparing to be away from home for a few days and packing up the camping equipment we would need to take with us for our annual camping trip. My husband, at this point, already had my number. He knew what made me tick, what pissed me off and what sent me totally over the edge. Growing in in a very large family (12 siblings), in poverty, and in a very chaotic environment, he knew I cherished efficiency and security and abhorred waste. As I was cheerefully getting our camping gear together, he abruptly had to run to the store for something he had forgotten for our trip. I said, “no problem, see you in a few.” Well, he came back a couple hours later, backed his pickup truck up to the garage door, and when he opened the back of the truck….what ensued, well, wasn’t pretty….at all. He had gone to the store and bought every possible thing a person would need for camping. From the sleeping bags to the spatula for the grill. I mean everything. I absolutely melted down. How could be so reckless with money? What a waste of money, time and resources. We had all of this stuff and it was in very good condition! It wasn’t till years later that I actually understood why he did that. I had to connect the “data collecting” he did during his divorce from wife #1. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he was only months away from leaving me. He was in his “data collecting” mode. Data that would be used to eventually prove to his family, my family, the courts and anyone else that dared to question him, that I was indeed severely mentally ill and he could no longer tolerate my behavior. It was only after he totally dismantled my life, economically, socially and emotionally, after a full fledged nervous breakdown riddled with cognitive dissonance, after having to apply for and receive full disability because I was no longer able to work, yep…then and only then was I able to see that this example (with countless others) was the behavior of a psychopath.
Six years after the day he left me (the day after Christmas 2007 and moved directly in with another woman), I was randomly searching for a document on my PC when I came across a letter that I had written to him years earlier. It was actually written about 3 years after he walked out on me, about 3 years earlier than the day I happened upon the letter accidentally. I opened the document and began reading the 4 or 5 pages that were my “last words” to him. A last ditch effort to elicit some sort of empathetic response from this bastard. When I was finished reading the letter a wave of realization came over me unlike anything I had experienced before in my life. Without hesitation, I said out loud, “My God, he was a psychopath!” My relationship, marriage and subsequent divorce from him flashed in front of me as if a movie on a screen, with the psychopathy highlighted with glaring clarity. Before this very moment, I thought as many people do about sociopaths and psychopaths, that they are axe weilding maniacs who are mass murderers. I had no idea they are numerous and walk among us every day. When I uttered the words, My God he was a psychopath, I actually scared myself a little bit. Why did I say that? How did I know it was true? The memory flash I had? Well, sure enough, I go immediately to the internet and find a whole community of people who have been through the same thing. Love Fraud was one of the first websites I came across and I’ve been coming here to read the articles ever since.
While I don’t know if my life will ever be the same as it was prior to meeting and marrying a psychopath, having the realization I did and finding supportive communities like the one here on love fraud has helped me immensely. I’m hoping by me relaying some of my experiences will in turn help someone else who has the misfortune of a relationship or marriage to a psychopath.
Words and thoughts to live by:
From http://www.esteemology.com
• I am beautiful
• I am strong
• I deserve happiness
• I deserve peace and serenity
• I am worthy of love and of having a mutually fulfilling and loving relationship
• I am perfectly unapologetically and that’s all I have to be
• I will give up compulsive caregiving ”“ I will stop making the needs of others my top priority. I will focus on my needs and my wants and let others take care of themselves.
• I will live in reality always ”“ I will start seeing things as they are and not as I wish them to be. I will see abuse as abuse. I will no longer rationalize, minimize or allow anyone to talk their way out of bad behavior.
• I will be conscious of my relationship patterns – I will no longer seek out individuals that exhibit the same traits that my initial abuser possesses. If I recognize it ”“ I will leave the relationship immediately.
• I will give up compulsive rescuing ”“ I will no longer try to fix people. I will allow others to deal with their own problems and I will not engage in any relationship with individuals that are obviously emotionally damaged.
• If someone lies to me I will end the relationship.
• Whenever someone acts like they don’t care about you ”“ believe them. If they act like they’re not afraid to lose you, it’s because they’re not.
• If someone cheats on me I will end the relationship.
• When you give up your heart and your power to someone who is incapable of caring about you, the only outcome will be pain
• Don’t waste your energy on jealousy. Know that there is always going to be a new target. Even if you succeeded and he came back, you would always be looking over your shoulder and you should be
• If someone insults me, puts me down or tries to make me feel bad, I will leave with a warning that if this ever repeats I will end the relationship.
• If someone does not consistently treat me in a loving, caring and respectful manner I will end the relationship
• If someone does not make me a priority I will end the relationship
• I will recognize when I am being love bombed and I will leave”.
• The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So if you honestly think you are going beat the odds ”“ think again.
• If your man has habitually messed with other women’s minds, emotions and bodies, odds are he’ll do that to you.
• If your man has cheated on many of his previous girlfriends, odds are he’ll cheat on you.
• If your man cheated on his last girlfriend with you, odds are he’ll cheat on you with his next girlfriend.
• If your man has a pattern of blowing hot and cold in his relationships, odds are you can expect a cold front to blow in.
• If your man has habitually lied, manipulated and conned women in the past, odds are he’s lying manipulating and conning you.
• If your man has a string of ex’s he calls ’friends’ and his phone is constantly going off, odds are they are more than just friends. And if he’s a Narcissist, they are part of his harem, he needs them, so don’t expect them to go away any time soon.
• If your man disappoints you again and again, odds are he’s managing down your expectations, so that soon you will expect nothing from him.
• If your man is feeding you lines like, I’ve never felt this way about anyone, I’ve never had this kind of connection with someone before, followed by talk of his love and his desire to marry you, a month into the relationship, odds are he’s future faking, so that he can get what he wants in the present.
• If your man makes promise after promise, but delivers nothing, odds are he’s stringing you along as an option, keeping you on ice for a rainy day.
• If you have had other women warn you about your man, you should listen; odds are you won’t, because you want to think you’re special enough to beat the odds.
• Even if you did win, what exactly are you winning? If you know that your man has been dishonest, lacked integrity, hurt people without remorse, wouldn’t it weigh on you, that at any point in your relationship, this guy could revert to his old patterns of behavior? You’d constantly be walking around on egg shells, wondering when the other shoe would drop. Who wants to live that way?
• When your inner voice, that always wants to take us to a place of hurt, is flashing you thoughts and images of painful things, stop it immediately, don’t allow it to travel any further. Change your focus to something positive.
• Stop taking responsibility for other people’s junk. Stop apologizing. Own your junk and let other people own theirs. And learn the difference between the two.
• Be confident, even when you’re not. The more you practice this, the stronger your confidence muscle will become.
• Be like water off a ducks back. There are always going to be people in your life that will try to make you lose your cool. Recognize the situation when it arises and don’t allow any person, place or thing to knock you off balance
• Lose the victim mentality. Meet all challenges from a place of strength.
• If you are engaging with someone or something that you know isn’t good for you ”“ just stop. Easier said than done, right? But what would logic dictate? Take off the rose colored glasses and start looking at things the way they are, not as you wish them to be. You’ve all heard the expression follow your heart, but take your head with you. If it doesn’t feel right don’t try to change it, don’t feel bad about it, and don’t pine about it, just move on.
• Meet your fears head on. Something only seems impossible until you do it once. Once you have mastery over something that previously seemed impossible, you will feel invincible and it will motivate you to greater and greater heights. Practice doing things that scare you.
• Choose an image of a strong and fearless woman/man and model her/his behavior. Put pictures up all over your environment to remind yourself of their strength.
• Focus on you. It’s the old cliché. But I mean put all of your attention, all of your energy on making you the best you, you could possibly be. Get motivated and get excited about all of the possibilities that await you.
• When we look to others to show us our worth, they are always going to fall short. Primarily, because it’s no one else’s job to give us our self-esteem ”“ that’s our job. Secondly, people are mostly self-interested, they don’t care about how you feel about you ”“ the fact that you are jumping through hoops and treating them like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, is a huge ego boost for them and you gaining self-respect, changes the dynamics of the relationship. When you stop jumping it doesn’t serve them and they don’t want that, so they will deliberately or inadvertently behave in a manner that keeps you stuck and fixated on them.
• When we have low self-esteem we have become so comfortable with our own negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves that we will actually seek out people and situations that confirm those beliefs. It’s the devil we know and it feels familiar and like home. We have become so used to the idea that love equals pain and that what we are calling love is actually us seeking validation and begging to have someone show us our worth.
• If someone healthy did show up in our lives that was interested in us and was offering us the relationship that we claim we want, we would run like hell, because it goes against everything that we believe about ourselves and we would feel incredibly uncomfortable. So instead we inadvertently seek out people that evoke those feelings of unworthiness in us.
• The problem is, when someone can’t make up their mind about us, the price we pay, trying to convince them that we’re good enough, is our self-esteem. The mere fact that we are going to all this effort proves to them that we actually aren’t worthy, because if we were, we would know our own worth and we would’ve told them to take a hike long ago.
• When you engage with a fence sitter, or continue in a relationship with someone that treats you poorly, you will find that there is always another obstacle, another reason, why they can’t give you the relationship you want. You pay the price and the payoff for you is that you get to continue to confirm to yourself that you aren’t good enough.
• When you realize that you determine your worth, that you deserve more than just crumbs of someone’s attention and when you treat you in a loving, respectful way, other’s will follow your lead. You teach people how to treat you, so start treating you right. When you change the way that you feel about you, you will stop seeking validation and relationships from unwilling sources.
• If you allow someone to mistreat you, then the price you pay is always your self-esteem.
• It’s your job to recognize poor treatment and react ”“ no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in. Like I said if you let it go unchecked it will continue and even get worse. So when you are faced with disrespect you must react.
• If you’re on your tenth chance, you’ve got to recognize that this situation is dysfunctional and you have to extricate yourself from the relationship.
• You have to look at your situation logically and without emotion. If someone is treating you badly and you voice your displeasure, what’s the worst thing that can happen? You will gage all you need to know by their reaction to your reaction:
• If they get even madder at you, or even blame you ”“ leave.
• If they break up with you for speaking up for yourself ”“ I’d say you dodged a bullet. You don’t want anyone that isn’t interested in how you’re feeling or your boundaries.
• If they say they’re sorry, but continue to do it again and again ”“ leave.
• The only reaction that you can accept is an apology, followed by not doing it again. Period.
• A big part of this problem is that women with low self-esteem generally have a hard time speaking up for themselves. They’re avoiders and will do whatever they can to avoid confrontation. For a Narcissist this is the perfect target.
• Low self-esteem and low standards generally go hand in hand. People that have a healthy self-esteem and a high level of confidence take care of themselves and when they find themselves in a relationship that has become unhealthy, they just end it.
• When you are in an emotionally charged situation, don’t just react. Take a deep breath and consider your options. Take emotion out of the equation and allow logic to enter into your decision making process and choose the course of action that will best benefit you.
• Own your feelings. Don’t make excuses like, he made me do this, or he’s making me nuts. How you feel is your business. Don’t blame anyone else for how you feel.
You were put on this earth to be happy. That’s your purpose. That’s it. You were not meant to live for someone else. You were not meant to live on an emotional rollercoaster. You were not meant to walk on egg shells. You were not meant to be unhappy. In time you will come to see all of this as an incredibly valuable learning experience. You will never again put yourself last and treat you with a lack of love care and respect and you won’t want to consort with anyone that tries to.
Trust your instincts, and start walking through the fog until you see the light. There you will find freedom, joy, self-sufficiency, self-love, inner peace and utter bliss.
All of this is so very well written. Why do they claim that we are “mentally ill”?I still don’t understand that part. That was my soon to be ex husband first choice of words. “You are a crazy bitch and you are mentally ill. I was told every day. Him being a cop he even arranged to send me to a mental institution. All while he was having an affair with the coworker. Luckily my doctor knew how manipulative and deceiving this creature is. And yes I found happiness again after filing for divorce. Not with someone new. Just happiness that he is out of my life. And yesterday definitely know the warning signs now . The past 20 years were an important lesson learned . I could have done without it, but I have my beautiful, smart son because of it. Once the “fog” has lifted, it is very bright and sunshiny. Stay strong. 🙂 before you know it every day will be a happy day.
“Crazy Girl” was the nickname the spath gave me. He called me that to my face so that I would doubt my own realities. He used it with others to devalue me, and to cause people to question whether anything I said about him later was valid. That type of smear campaign is, I’ve discovered, usually implemented early in a relationship to protect the spath. It’s very clever and utterly devious. People that hear the smears/lies often buy into it without question.
Yup. Me too. I was called mentally ill, low self esteem, and a crazy psycho stalker. He kept saying that I need help. I did need help he was right….to get away from him. He cheated and lies to his baby mama for TWO years!!! He was dating both of us(un knowingly) He convinced his ex to get back together using the excuse that I was crazy and he was “afraid of what I might to do him and his family” So he felt scared to leave me and that’s why he held on…. I laugh SO hard at this now!! But his ex totally bought it and took him back….makes me sick
Kaya48,
I believe the reason the psycho wants to label their partner as mentally ill is so they can play the victim to their family, friends and associates. Like I said in my previous post, I believe my ex recorded me “melting down” so if anyone questioned the morality of the way he walked out on me and moved in with another woman, he would have evidence of just how “crazy” I was….picture this:
Someone questions him or tries to hold him accountable. His reply, “You don’t understand how psychotic this woman was. Listen to this: (Play recorded melt down). All I did is buy a couple things to take camping with us. I thought I was doing a good thing.”
If someone was not present to see that he actually bought everything needed to go camping, and they likewise, they were not aware of the sensitivities I possessed related to wasteful spending, then my ex really does look like the victim to them.
As long as people are buying what the psycho is selling….they are pretty much happy. When people start questioning them and their motives…they don’t like it all. I believe my husband recorded me on multiple occasions. Luckily, we had no children, and I just signed the divorce papers when I received them. He filed for divorce citing “cruel and unusual treatment”….from the man who was in bed with another woman the very day he left me.
Actually, when I first had the realization that he was a psychopath, my first emotion was anger. I wanted to sue him. I was at such a good place in my life when I met him. Owned my own home, great job, looked and felt better than I ever had in my life. When he left and the fallout that followed has left me in a small apartment, no job, full disability, severe mental illness, probably the worse I’ve ever looked or felt in my life. I figured he caused this…he should have to pay for the damage he did to me. Damage that to me will probably persist for the rest of my life. However, the more I read about relationships or marriage to one of them, the more I knew “no contact” was the way to keep things. I have not seen, spoken or had any knowledge about him for well over 3 years.
I count my blessings that I got out with my life and intend to leave well enough alone. Hugs to everyone!
-CC
Kaya48,
Yup they call the women in their lives crazy because this gives the new meat something to hang on to….” Well if the women he has in his life is crazy” then she “thinks” he will stay with her the new one….why? Because she will work extra HARD to prove she is worthy of him and that “She” is not a crazy women…….But ohhhhhh just wait, before he is “done” with her she will wish she had never met him. And then back to his batting rotation of another “women” ….and so on and so on….wash-rinse-repeat.
Thanks for all your comments. I am surprised how they are all the same. How interesting I was constantly accused of “meltdowns”. Wow he recorded you, that’s just unbelievable. Yes he knew how to push my buttons and then I was labeled “crazy, psycho bitch “. I did cut of all contact over 8 months ago. I just got of the phone with my attorney. He knows we are dealing with a sociopath in this divorce. I just hope the judge will see this also. My soon to be ex thinks he will receive “special treatment” because he is retired military and a law enforcement officer. He is always entitled to everything. He puts himself above god but in reality is nothing. I compare him to satan. I hope I will stay strong and go on with my life not wasting any more thoughts about him. I noticed I think much less about the past and I live in the present. I might lose marital assets but I gained my freedom and my self worth. And that’s priceless.
I am very atheist and have a strong science background, so I don’t believe in the devil or heaven and hell. So its hard for me to imagine that he just lives out his life hurting people with a possibility of no revenge or punishment. But I was telling this exact thing to a friend yesterday and she made a good point….His life on Earth IS his hell. These people are always stressed, lying, cheating, unstimulated, always looking for something more. I compare him to satan as well. He’s demonic.
I on the other hand live in the present and in the moment with appreciation that I am alive and a good person. That makes my life on earth my Heaven. We danced with the devil in our lives but because we are good people our heavenly life on earth beat out his hell. No matter how it happened. I send out love and peace and kindness, and I get it right back.
I truly DID some CRAZY things and he tells all his friends how CRAZY I am. But, if it takes a little crazy to get him out of my life then I’m still grateful. I have forgiven myself and finding myself joking about some of the things I did…laughing at myself. I can do this BECAUSE I have forgiven myself and I know that NOW that I am away from him that I’m NOT crazy. I feel normal and stable and calm now….
A friend told me this once: If someone was trying to hurt my child I would go to ANY length no matter WHAT to save my family. Its the same with yourself….do whatever it takes to save yourself. If that means he bashes my name to his SMALL group of friends then who the hell cares. I got out. Let them think that. Its worth the peace I have now.
I’m glad you found support as you go through this. And the fact he is law-enforcement does not surprise me at all…a very psychopathic career field to be sure. I used to be a 911 dispatcher and knew many police officers who I now looking back could easily label a sociopath. Thank god i never dated any of them! Good luck and Blessings to you! Keep your head high.
Reading your writing, and the posts here, does one important thing for me. Validation, validation, validation. I felt in my heart that how I was being treated was wrong but was made to feel crazy for feeling so. I learned not to trust my gut. Glad to say, I am back to trusting myself, first and only.
Ya I remember a time when I didn’t trust myself and if I were to run into him, or if he called or emailed, I couldn’t with 100% certainty say I wouldn’t give in and respond. After 6 months of no contact and taking a step back and realizing how mentally and emotionally abusive he was, I KNOW that if I saw him I would either laugh and be like “ya right you loser” or completely turn the other direction…just takes time and space.