by Quinn Pierce
When I first met my ex-husband, I was moved by the amount of compassion and sympathy he showed for the traumatic experiences of my past. To me, it was an endearing quality for someone to be so caring and supportive. He kept telling me how honored he was that I trusted him enough to tell him things I hadn’t talked to many people about before.
Ulterior Motives
I look back with cringe-inducing clarity, and I recognize several ulterior motives for his false compassion. For one, he was assessing me as a partner. He learned that, at the time, I was a very secretive person. I had a select few people I confided in, and I was not one to talk to others about my own painful experiences.
This is a very appealing trait, I can imagine, to a sociopath. My ex-husband knew I would not be quick to complain to others about anything he would do in the future, or recognize his actions for the abuse they would be.
Secondly, he was testing my dedication and trust toward him. How much would I divulge, how comfortable could he make me feel?
Lastly, and this proved to be painfully true of all confidences in our relationship, he was stockpiling ammunition for use at a later date. He would often condemn me in verbal tirades for those same things he would show so much sympathy for earlier.
The Real Victim
Eventually, he was able to twist my perception of certain events so that he would be portrayed as the victim, while I was always responsible for making him feel bad and playing the victim.
This happened so frequently and with such conviction on his part, that after my separation, I was actually surprised when someone I was talking to referred to me as a victim. I didn’t even know how to respond. I almost denied what sounded to me like an accusation, but I didn’t say a word while I let the information sink in.
It took several months of counseling and reprocessing memories for me to understand that I was the actual victim in the relationship. It would be even longer before I could equate my experiences with what I considered ‘real victims’. I had yet to learn exactly what psychological abuse was or how far reaching the effects were. It was more than just living with someone who could manipulate my actions and rewrite memories, it was like being the test subject to a mad scientist who was rewiring my brain.
Separating Fact From Fiction
The first thing I had to do in order to begin healing was separate the realities of my marriage with the illusion of the life my ex-husband worked so hard to maintain. That meant believing and accepting the fact that I was a victim. This was difficult for me to digest. I have always been sympathetic to other people who have experienced abuse, but for me to accept sympathy from others was a very uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it would make me appear to be a weak character. Someone who was seeking attention or causing drama. All the things I avoided in my life, and all the things my ex-husband thrived on.
However, my thought process was innately flawed, mostly because of the picture my ex-husband painted of me for so many years. There were so many characteristics of him that I didn’t like and wanted to free myself from, one of which was the recurring role of victim. I was not rushing to take on that role, myself.
Once the understanding dawned, it was like I had opened my eyes after a long sleep. I finally saw the truth: He was never the victim, I was.
That realization changed everything. It empowered me to take back control of my life by validating my experiences, feelings, and struggles. It connected me with other survivors. And that is a key difference between the sociopathic victim role play and real victims, we recognize that the victimization is over, and we have survived. My ex-husband needs to keep himself in the role of victim to suit his needs and perpetuate his manipulation. He has no desire to move past that role, because it isn’t real.
From Victim to Survivor
Real victims of these empathy-lacking individuals are warriors, survivors, and eventually, healers. We share our experiences and search for answers hoping to make sense of what we experienced. We grow and change and thrive.
Admitting I was a victim meant reclaiming my life. I am not responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, I am responsible for mine. I cannot change how he lives his life and who he hurts, cheats, or manipulates along the way, but it will no longer be me.
Ironically, those initial traits he found so beneficial to his success as an abuser are the very traits that changed because of his abuse. In my quest for peace and healing, the most rewarding part of my recovery is sharing my story with as many people as I can. No longer embarrassed or shamed into silence, the experience freed my voice and my spirit.
My fifteen years of subtle manipulation and abuse gave me the incentive to figure out who he really was so I would never become a victim of anyone like him again. And, in the process, I learned that secrets are the abusers tools of control and manipulation.
Maybe he should have payed more attention to my ‘silly little interests’ during our marriage. He was quick to belittle and minimize anything I enjoyed or anything others saw as a talent. Unfortunately for him, topping the list is one I have turned into an extremely rewarding career choice: Writer.
‘Divorce Corp’ documentary exposes corrupt and collusive divorce industry – even before the sociopaths show up
I feel the same way. He wanted me to think that I am really crazy so he can have an excuse to cheat and leave. My therapist made an interesting point. If a person is “really” mentally ill, you just don’t get up and leave this person. As a husband it is his duty to protect his family, no matter what. But they are so distorted they believe their own lies. Yes I agree their life on earth is pure hell. Always wanting more, hurting and disposing of people they are suppose to love.
Absolutely the no contact was a life saver for me. He used to send me emails telling me what a crazy psycho bitch I am, how my emotional meltdowns destroyed the family. The truth is that he destroyed his family and I do t even blame the young co worker/ mistress. He was the married person who should have never brought on a 3 rd person into the marriage. I truly believe that the moment they start to think about this new “supply” the marriage is over. And I still do not understand the word “cheaters” like they are sneaking an extra 20 $ bill in a monopoly game. They should be called Liars, Devastators and Destroyers. Because they really killed something.
My son and I will be ok. We both want nothing to do with him anymore. Seeing him in court does nothing to me because that’s what he is. I cannot even see him as a father of my son. A real father would not inflict so much pain on his family. He is a selfish coward and the mistress can have him.
You just opened my eyes. If a person is “really,mentally ill” they do not just get up and leave someone. My ex spath,went golfing on thanksgiving(was supposed to clean the carpets,but hey,I understood,golfing sounds funner) came back and announced he was moving out. I was devastated. He was my only family. I had lost my job of 11 years 4 months prior,and he stated “your situation is bringing me down” I got a new a job. I am a nurse. he is a bartender. Do you know how bad I want to email him “hey,I got a nursing job again,our bartending gig was bringing me down” he left suddenly so many times in the past,with no warning so I could up my hours,we split the bills and often times he would pay the bills,without telling me,and when I would tell him “hey,I can pay my half” he would say “that’s okay babe,I got it” than throw it in my face down the road. The last time before this time that he left,without any warning…I was not financially prepared and had to pawn my deceased mothers wedding ring and other things to live. Oh how I loathe this beast! loathe him! he took me down. he told storied to his kids about me,that are so far from the truth..I am at the anger and acceptance stage and I pray for indifference. he makes my body shudder.
Julie my wife has done similar, with finances or work, shes paid things before and not even told me about it only to throw it in my face later like im some kind of bum, or if I don’t jump to do something in the house the instant she wants it done, she will rush to go do it so she can rage on me later about how lazy I am.
Mine has also many a times kicked me out knowing I couldn’t live on my own and would have to move back in with my parents broke with no job, she has actually caused me to lose 2 jobs kicking me out before, as well as our business we ran this time was my source of income and she kicked me out again broke with no job, and my car is messed up from her driving it for 8 months while I used her truck for the company, she refused to pay to get it fixed, hell for awhile she would run the gas down to fumes and expect me to put more in it, if I didn’t she would rage on me even though she was the one running out the gas and making 3 times as much money as me.
and what a lovely writer you are Quinn! Reading this here at my desk (when I ought to be working) brought tears to my eyes. But not tears of sadness or even of joy, just sheer emotion.
It’s as though I had written this about me!
“There were so many characteristics of him that I didn’t like and wanted to free myself from, one of which was the recurring role of victim. I was not rushing to take on that role, myself.”
This was exactly how I felt. I kept things to myself for so, so many years. Even when the marriage was finally and obviously fulling apart and I was sure of his affair, I still kept it to myself for months. When I finally broke down to a friend who popped round for coffee at the height of things she was so sympathetic and like you, addressed me as the victim of his bullying behaviour and I was shocked. I almost took offence but over the next few months I realised she was right and things became clearer and clearer and clearer and this just continues.
Stopbuggingme’s comment: “Reading your writing, and the posts here, does one important thing for me. Validation, validation, validation” is again absolutely spot on!
For me its like a heavy fog suddenly cleared and I found my patronus! (As a big Harry Potter fan I actaully see my ex sometimes as a Dementor – an evil, parasitic, empty soul sucker.) It is a very painful experience to look back on 25 years and realise that for the best part it – it wasn’t real. Incidents, whole chapters sometimes play in front of me and I see them now with a totally different view. Gifted with the insight into who and what my ex really is and it has to be said, always was, the video of my life with him plays out so differently. However unpleasant that is, it validates and because it validates it gives me strength. The strength of knowing I am decent and sane and always was is crucial for me.
“Admitting I was a victim meant reclaiming my life. I am not responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, I am responsible for mine. I cannot change how he lives his life and who he hurts, cheats, or manipulates along the way, but it will no longer be me.”
Playing the victim is one of THE primary hoaxes that sociopaths play. They accuse you of doing to them what they are doing to you. And, in this day and age, if he has money, he is able to bribe the cops to come after YOU for stalking or harassing him. Ted Bundy, the most notorious serial killer in most of our lifetimes, was able to victimize by pretending to be handicapped.
victorimin,
“They accuse you of doing to them what they are doing to you.”
Oh so true, mine would claim I treat her like s##t and call her names, 80% of our fights were started by her raging and insulting/belittling me , then when I would have enough and yell back at her I was told I treat her bad and she doesn’t deserve this. She has layed hands on me many times (no hitting) but when I grabbed her back or pushed her off of me she would claim I hurt her and im violent, and how shes smaller and a woman and I could kill her with one punch, years ago she tried to choke me and failed miserably when I throw this episode in her face she says “oh david that’s not violence as im incapable of hurting you” What the hell???? LOL. Tells me to never leave her and we just cant be apart and how right this feels, only to kick me out once a year blaming me for everything and guilt tripping me until I fealt it was my fault and then I would beg her back, only for new rules to be put in place while she would sit and refuse to change anything about herself.
Quinn, when I met my ex-boyfriend, I had the same experience as you did when you met your ex-husband…he was able to get me to open up and share experiences I had with my ex-husband that I had shared with no one, and that is when he set his hook. The irony is not lost on me that one of the last things he ever said to me after he had spent the prior two days making sure his discard of me left me crawling on my belly and clawing the floor was “…and your ex? He was nothing but a con man.”
I spent seven years with this man, and my story is no different than anyone else’s, just the names and places are changed. I was a good, loving, caring, honest woman and he played me like a fiddle. Where I was once calm and centered, suddenly my life was chaotic, I was constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong and how to fix it, my hard earned money was flying out the door, I was confused, off balance, worried that I was insane and constantly trying to “do better”. All the while being manipulated by the intermittent love bombing that kept me hooked. After he abandoned me, which he did with such utter and complete cruelty intended to destroy me (and yes possibly drive me to suicide), I STILL tried to fix things. The turning point in my life was the last email he wrote me where he cataloged my shortcomings and concluded by saying that I needed to figure out a way to “mend the fences” with him and he wasn’t sure if it was possible, but I could try (knowing that this would motivate me like nothing else) and that, by the way, I should look up borderline personality disorder, since he felt this was a part of my problem and I needed to address it before we could move forward.
At the time I got this email, I hadn’t seen him for several weeks and we had had minimal contact, since he knew from experience that shutting me out was the best way to get me to perform like a trained seal. I think it was this time away from him that for once in seven years, gave some rudimentary, basic survival instinct in me the time to step up and say – wait a minute! You haven’t done anything wrong, you haven’t done anything he’s accusing you of, and HE’s describing HIMSELF. And without ever having heard the concept of “no contact”, that is exactly what I did. I believe it saved my sanity, and probably my life. Looking back over the course of the relationship, he had shut me out on a regular basis, maybe once or twice a year, usually for a week or so and he knew it was a tried and true method of bringing me into “line” and get me to increase my efforts to please him. It is chilling now to recall him saying, when he let me back in, “you don’t like when I do that, do you?” I can only imagine the demon writhing in fury when I failed to respond to any of his attempts at further manipulation. But then again, by then he had already groomed his next victim and was focusing his energy on her.
Shortly afterwards, I discovered Love Fraud and other wonderful sites and books and spent a good amount of time educating myself about what happened to me. It was enlightening, life affirming and validating. Then I found a therapist who has guided me even further into healing.
In a few weeks, it will be 2 1/2 years since he abandoned me and I truly thought I wasn’t going to survive. Now I know, it was at that moment I was given a chance at rebirth. It’s been a grueling, intensive process to survive, understand, and begin to heal. At the same time, life goes on, with its ups and downs and challenges. This is not a journey for the weak…as warriors, survivors and eventually healers, I believe that we are some of the strongest people who walk this earth. I am proud of myself, and I am proud of us all.
While I feel I’ve come a very long way, there is more healing to do. Possibly there will be more to do all my life. I can live with that. I had open, oozing wounds for a long time, then scabs (that were picked off and reformed more times I can count) and finally, there are scars. They’re still tender and shiny and I know they will continue to fade with time but will always be there, war wounds, badges of courage, proof of survival.
I’m at a very important crossroads this week. While there are a few details to work out, it is looking good that a piece of property I own jointly with this monster will be sold. This is a long time coming, and represents the severing of the last bit of control he has over my life. Financially, I have lost my life’s savings as well as spent every nickel I have made in this time to support this property and my life has been focused entirely on this task and healing. I have learned not to count on anything in life outside of myself, but this is looking good. I won’t breathe easy until I’m actually closing the door behind me for the last time, but I’m allowing myself to feel cautiously positive. As I write this, I feel a little bubble of excitement inside of me, thinking of a new life ahead where he cannot reach. I am alive.
the second paragraph of ur post resonates with me. YES YES YES
im becoming more centered now after the npd/bpd. i was very centered almost immediately wen the spath left as i’d just been waiting for him to leave for a good year…the court battle and/or disappearance of the kids made me just wait him out till i wasnt shiny enough anymore.
centerdness is the key for me…if u can get me off-center, u can manipulate me. i cant think clearly, even tho i spend lots of time trying to think about how to fix things. its maddening. prob one of the worst things about being with a disordered person. my brain is my greatest asset (ok, my only asset lol) and wen that goes, it’s sad…and dangerous for me.
The very best of luck HanaleiMoon, I hope it all goes smoothly for you. Isnt it nice to have bubbles of good excitement again? You are ALIVE
HanaleiMoon,
OMG….I cannot believe how beautifully you express your experience. I could be reading from my own head. It helps so much to read someone else’s experience that I can relate to almost to the very letter. My ex spath also used to email me with “bullet points” listing my shortfalls. I feel so connected with what you wrote. If you ever want to talk, email me: ccriscitello@gmail.com
CC
mcmjuly, thank you for the wonderful compliment! I was on a bit of a roll this morning! With things tentatively moving forward, I’ve been feeling pretty philosophical lately, but at the same time, thinking of the hellish pain I went through to get here. I did respond to an email of his right before the final one, and came across my response about a year later…I was horrified at the desperate, groveling person he had created and it made me all the more determined to heal.
I am forever amazed at how similar all our experiences are, and often think these people actually use a playbook. Since no one in my life could understand, knowing that others had had the same experiences was so validating!
Dear Quinn,
I enjoy reading your posts because they are insightful and help me to review my own experiences. I had had a stormy relationship with my mom as I grew up, so when I met the man (at age 18) who I would later marry, I brought a truckload of baggage – unexamined insecurities and pain – into the relationship. He was extremely supportive, I thought, at the time – And later, he did turn against me and used what I had told him in confidence against me. It was so hurtful at the time that I had considered suicide to escape from the pain.(We’ve been divorced for many years).
Like many manipulators, he knew my vulnerabilities, and did some cruel things. I used to feel like I was walking around with a sign on my back that everybody else could read – everybody else ‘had my number’ and I was clueless as to why I kept finding untrustworthy people.
But I’m happy to say that although it took a great deal of pain and learning – I now ‘have my own number’ – and thanks to the lessons my ex sp husband taught me – nobody can get to me in that way anymore. Socrates was right – ‘Know thyself’ – If I’m tuned into my own flaws and faults, and not expecting anybody to take care of my feelings, nobody else can rail at me at use these as weapons to harm me. It’s taken years of therapy and, journaling has really helped – but if you’re able to detach from the rage-aholic who is raging – what they may be accusing you of, as they project their stuff, is really more about them and their insecurities and fears. It’s not about you at all!
So I actually owe a hearty thank you to my ex (easy for me to write this because I’ve had no contact for 5 years) – for accidently making my life richer and for inadvertantly, helping me to know myself better and to enjoy a peace and self acceptance that I never dreamed possible.
HanaleiMoon and Quinn and All – this is exactly what happened to me as well. To go from a place where I felt SO accepted no matter what to a place of chaos and discard and financial ruin was like the roller coaster taking that sudden plunge into air – a crazy ride. It was after abandonment and a break in the chaos that I was able to get at the root of my confusion – I had not done anything wrong and I knew it. There it was – the answer.
Through a series of events I began to learn about disordered people and it turned my whole world around. I am still “in process” on many levels. But I will never go back to the place of confusion. Very best wishes about the property Hanalei Moon and thanks to Love Fraud and all the support out there.
OpalRose, you put it perfectly – “It was after abandonment and a break in the chaos that I was able to get at the root of my confusion ”“ I had not done anything wrong and I knew it. There it was ”“ the answer.” I remember when I finally understood what a psychopath is and that everyone’s story is so similar, when I was freed from the prison of my own mind, trying to figure out why he did what he did and what I could have done differently, I felt like I could fly. I had had that constant dialog going on in my head for years…there is nothing that could make me live like that again for even a minute.
Thank you for the best wishes on the property! I’ll take them!
i wrote to a friend within the first year of our joke of a marriage, fraught with hellish episodes of abuse, that i hated to say it, but HE was the problem. i rly believed that. everything i tried, nothing nothing nothing worked. nothing made a difference with him. i sensed i cud die and he wudnt rly change his daily life much; sensed this subconsciously of course. decided i was so bad for marrying him, for making such a mistake, i deserved this hell. what crazy, self-hateful thots!
i had counselled ppl lots over the decades b4 and its a cardinal rule that it’s always both party’s fault, to some degree. if someone cheats on u, well u were to blame some too. etc. u had to fix u too not just him, for the betterment of the marriage.
so me thinking that it was HIM, letting alone verbalizing it, was a huge red flag. for me to get the F out. did i? of course not.
and i’d given up completely on anything but surviving him wen a friend told me about LF, but she thot my babydaddy was a narc, not rly a spath. I was on here about 3 min and said HOLY F! he’s a spath! OMG I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. Some of the stuff he would do, i wud wonder later if it rly happened. if i rly WENT THRU THAT. cuz ppl just dont go thru that. it’s like an alter-reality.
even my friend only ONCE saw him do anything close to being spath-y. if his anger was controlled he is pretty functional. ppl disliked him for other reasons, but like u would a normal jerk. my family totally thinks i just made a mistake with him. a MISTAKE?? like it’s fixable or redeemable or my GOD–>NORMAL??!! i have lost a decade, all those yrs! i am incredibly aged, my looks and psyche. i HAD aged well up to that point of being with him. sigh.
but sadder still is no one will understand the need to keep him from the kids if i die for watever reason. im just being vindictive or bitter. ha, im not bitter, that wud mean i care lol
then again, i dont want anyone to understand the boogeyman the way i do. i dont like living silence of the lambs. jody foster’s character regretted it once she understood hannibal, i think. i do too.
oh – p.s. – he called me a “borderline personality disorder” and “histrionic” during one of his earlier abandonments. Wow – just wow.
Yep…I remember I had to look up borderline personality disorder because I didn’t even know what it was – and wondered how HE did. Not wondering anymore…
yes the projection is just incredible. almost everything that he did to me, he accused me of. the last fight we had — wen i just gotten home from my bladder almost BURSTING, due to retention issues, and he had imagined an offense — i said i know wats going on here, u project on me all the things YOU ARE DOING! wen ur rly selfish to me, u say i am (laugh to myself in head) do u HEAR WHAT U ARE SAYING, Can U Hear Urself??? u are a sick person and u need help.
that was about 3 sentences b4 We Are Thru came out of my mouth.
now i had KNOWN this was going on for months and months, it didnt bother me rly even wen he did project, like i didnt try and see where i was being selfish, becuz i knew it was just him projecting. it just made me mad he did it as its abusive and not loving. i knew saying anything was useless but i am sooooo glad i got to say it to him, in the end. such satisfaction lol
so wen these ppl know all about personality disorders, like HELL YES they do, they are perfecting their particular one. if theyre a spath, theyre prob using case studies for educating themselves in the finer details!
Quinn, I so appreciate the open honesty in your writings. My marriage was only 3 plus years and I was devastated and found myself left-for-dead financially. I had a tag-team effort denigrating me in the strangest ways – left handed compliments, constantly telling me when I didn’t give in to his and his family’s financial, emotional and physical work needs, and the oh-so awful almost-sexual behavior between his invalid mother and him (he would carry her like a baby to move her from place to place out of the wheelchair and she GLOWED….as well as trying to get me to call him her pet names and wanted to know all the details of our sexual intimacy) – and the constant barrage of online females and female friends. In hindsight, I must have appeared as absolutely pathetic.
His female therapist certainly worked on me, too, in telling me “he wants to be a good provider” and that I could never communicate head on with him. She had diagnosed him as bipolar and STUCK to that…she also told me how much I was helping him by taking on the role of caregiver to his mom, relieving him of the stress. And yet, I was never privvy to any of their talks becase of “patient confidentiality.” The only medical professional who – as I look back over time – tried to understand what was going on (and I had developed a “protect him” philosophy) was his family and his whole family’s general physician. Wish I had opened up.
Like you, I had been much an introvert when we met…and he so showed unbelievable compassion.
I understand that recovery should take place within a couple of years, but I’m still working on it at year five…
You are a marvelous writer. I am trying to really “look” at things to come out of the fog…it is, in my opinion, MUCH like hypnosis. Thank you!
BeckyR, I feel your pain. I’m on year 6 and still not fully recovered. It was his birthday yesterday and it just brought up so many regrets and anger for me.
I have been loving this website as a way to get some of these emotions out. I’ve been wondering about a support group. Does anyone know of any online support groups? Or is anyone interested in possibly starting one? It would be nice to have a group where we could actually use skype to listen to one and other.
Thank you, mcmjuly…I belonged to a few forums in the past. I found for me, that even moderators have baggage. One of the best places has been the one sponsored by Dr. Robert Hare, this is a good site: http://www.hare.org/….Thomas Sheridan’s book, Puzzling People is also good. The best book to me has been, Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra L. Brown, MA…