by Quinn Pierce
When I first met my ex-husband, I was moved by the amount of compassion and sympathy he showed for the traumatic experiences of my past. To me, it was an endearing quality for someone to be so caring and supportive. He kept telling me how honored he was that I trusted him enough to tell him things I hadn’t talked to many people about before.
Ulterior Motives
I look back with cringe-inducing clarity, and I recognize several ulterior motives for his false compassion. For one, he was assessing me as a partner. He learned that, at the time, I was a very secretive person. I had a select few people I confided in, and I was not one to talk to others about my own painful experiences.
This is a very appealing trait, I can imagine, to a sociopath. My ex-husband knew I would not be quick to complain to others about anything he would do in the future, or recognize his actions for the abuse they would be.
Secondly, he was testing my dedication and trust toward him. How much would I divulge, how comfortable could he make me feel?
Lastly, and this proved to be painfully true of all confidences in our relationship, he was stockpiling ammunition for use at a later date. He would often condemn me in verbal tirades for those same things he would show so much sympathy for earlier.
The Real Victim
Eventually, he was able to twist my perception of certain events so that he would be portrayed as the victim, while I was always responsible for making him feel bad and playing the victim.
This happened so frequently and with such conviction on his part, that after my separation, I was actually surprised when someone I was talking to referred to me as a victim. I didn’t even know how to respond. I almost denied what sounded to me like an accusation, but I didn’t say a word while I let the information sink in.
It took several months of counseling and reprocessing memories for me to understand that I was the actual victim in the relationship. It would be even longer before I could equate my experiences with what I considered ‘real victims’. I had yet to learn exactly what psychological abuse was or how far reaching the effects were. It was more than just living with someone who could manipulate my actions and rewrite memories, it was like being the test subject to a mad scientist who was rewiring my brain.
Separating Fact From Fiction
The first thing I had to do in order to begin healing was separate the realities of my marriage with the illusion of the life my ex-husband worked so hard to maintain. That meant believing and accepting the fact that I was a victim. This was difficult for me to digest. I have always been sympathetic to other people who have experienced abuse, but for me to accept sympathy from others was a very uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it would make me appear to be a weak character. Someone who was seeking attention or causing drama. All the things I avoided in my life, and all the things my ex-husband thrived on.
However, my thought process was innately flawed, mostly because of the picture my ex-husband painted of me for so many years. There were so many characteristics of him that I didn’t like and wanted to free myself from, one of which was the recurring role of victim. I was not rushing to take on that role, myself.
Once the understanding dawned, it was like I had opened my eyes after a long sleep. I finally saw the truth: He was never the victim, I was.
That realization changed everything. It empowered me to take back control of my life by validating my experiences, feelings, and struggles. It connected me with other survivors. And that is a key difference between the sociopathic victim role play and real victims, we recognize that the victimization is over, and we have survived. My ex-husband needs to keep himself in the role of victim to suit his needs and perpetuate his manipulation. He has no desire to move past that role, because it isn’t real.
From Victim to Survivor
Real victims of these empathy-lacking individuals are warriors, survivors, and eventually, healers. We share our experiences and search for answers hoping to make sense of what we experienced. We grow and change and thrive.
Admitting I was a victim meant reclaiming my life. I am not responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, I am responsible for mine. I cannot change how he lives his life and who he hurts, cheats, or manipulates along the way, but it will no longer be me.
Ironically, those initial traits he found so beneficial to his success as an abuser are the very traits that changed because of his abuse. In my quest for peace and healing, the most rewarding part of my recovery is sharing my story with as many people as I can. No longer embarrassed or shamed into silence, the experience freed my voice and my spirit.
My fifteen years of subtle manipulation and abuse gave me the incentive to figure out who he really was so I would never become a victim of anyone like him again. And, in the process, I learned that secrets are the abusers tools of control and manipulation.
Maybe he should have payed more attention to my ‘silly little interests’ during our marriage. He was quick to belittle and minimize anything I enjoyed or anything others saw as a talent. Unfortunately for him, topping the list is one I have turned into an extremely rewarding career choice: Writer.
‘Divorce Corp’ documentary exposes corrupt and collusive divorce industry – even before the sociopaths show up
wow…great insights….I relate to everything shared here….validation….I am having no contact but still after about 10 days go by… he will email….say he is not doing well with “ending us”….I have not responded….I can sometimes feel him trying to get into my mind …this morning when that happened I stood against it …I used the anger as strength instead …and just said NO”……It was helpful to read that no contact …includes my thoughts…I have been able to focus and get emmerced into other things and am so glad! my creative side has been flourishing again it amazes me!….I have lived 55 years now and somehow been naive to this horrifying disturbing reality of these kind of people…what it does to you and messes with your mind….I knew if I stayed in it …even though there was fun times …I would lose my mind and my life!…I also remember trying to talk to him about it…how crazy is that?! I would even say , I think I am talking to the wrong person about this….because he was so unreasonable…and would twist what I would say…manipulate and treat me trecherously!…I saw an ad for an upcoming show on TV called “MINDGAMES”…great!!! let’s teach a bunch more psycopaths how to perfect their game!!!…I can’t believe the garbage they fill people’s minds with!!!!I know there is really nothing new under the sun…it just get’s repackaged different ways in different generations….and God is Greater than he who is in the world! And GOD wins!!!!!!Yeah!!
Grace, I am about your age and I was naive to these kinds of people too. Ugh, he’s not doing well with ending you – just a manipulation. If you can, block him or switch to a new email that he doesn’t have even if it is inconvenient for you. That will help you with the no contact. You don’t need to see that crap, or even his name.
I haven’t posted here much, but I do read all of the articles. I am going through a divorce with my ex sociopath after 10 years of marriage. The ultimate end to the marriage was his cheating and moving out to move in with her, but even though it was painful, I now know that it was the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s made me face the monster he had inside of him that I always tended to overlook. After he left, I ended up meeting someone that he worked with, and was told that my ex was telling everyone at his work that I cheated throughout our entire marriage (I never did once), and that I left him and the kids a couple of months before he moved out, and I went to live with another man! Crazy, insane lies, all to make HIM look like the victim so that people would think that what HE did was ok. What really did it for me was my first meeting with my lawyer, after she asked me a bunch of questions, she told me that even though he had never physically abused me, the things he had done throughout our marriage was considered a type of domestic violents. .. His new girlfriend is his newest victim. He has her completely fooled and she believes every single thing he says about me in his attempts to make ME look like the bad guy. I’ve tried warning her but of course she won’t listen to me. Now I’m just working on myself and trying to process everything I’ve been through over the last 11 years.
it is definitely a violence to ur soul wat has been done by a disordered person. will it hold up in court? probably not, as society is not ready to accept its reality. will it ever?
ya know wat? i dont even care lol
i am aware now. i will teach my children and others who want to know about it. other than that, i can give no more energy to the sickness that are they…the spaths, the npds, the bpds, the…
I met mine at work…I left that job shortly after we started seeing each other because he was concerned about problems because of us both working for the same department (I outranked him and it was the best job I’d ever had) so wanted to keep things under wraps. After he abandoned me, I found out he dated no less than SEVEN other women in the office after I left and when we were planning our future together. He got married within a year after he abandoned me, I have no idea if it was one of the women he was seeing while we were together or someone new, it doesn’t matter. BUT I do know that he used the quick marriage to make himself look good, as if we had been together so long but never got married because there was something wrong with ME. I heard years of stories about his psycho ex-wife and how she ruined his life, and I’m sure he’s telling his new wife the same stories but with me in the lead role. I wish I could have warned her and saved her the horror she has ahead but I knew it would only have made me look as if the stories he had told her were accurate, and honestly, would I have listened if his ex had warned me? No. He was too charming and I had no idea people like him existed. This bothered me a lot for awhile but I’m at the point where he can say or do anything he wants as long as it brings no direct harm to me (and if it did, probably nothing I can do about it). Someday she will be wishing she hadn’t thought so harshly of me, same as I do about his ex-wife now. His entire family turned their backs on me (after 7 years!) and that stung but now I realize, even though some of them are aware of his disorder and he abuses them, they get something out of it they don’t want to give up, be it a couch to crash on when they need it or some cash thrown their way. It was all for the best. I know the truth, and like you, working on myself keeps me pretty busy.
so true HanaleiMoon. I met mine on a dating website. I was at the pinnacle of my life. 39 years old, my only child who I raised alone was coming of age, and I looked and felt better than I ever had. Fighting my way out of poverty, I obtained a college degree (4.0), had a great job and just bought my first home. Enter Psychopath…..
After dating me for only 6 weeks or so (He was telling me he loved me and spending time with me on a daily basis), I was falling for him hard, when I woke up one morning to his daily email. Only this one wasn’t professing his undying love for me….this one, out of the blue, was him telling me he could no longer see me because he was going to try and work things out with the girl he was dating before me (all of this was going on while he was divorcing his “crazy” 1st wife). I WAS DEVASTATED. Talk about actions and words not matching.
It was almost a year before I ever heard from him again. Although I was devastated by his rash behavior a year earlier, I did move on. I dated, but didn’t find anyone I was serious with. He contacted me a year later and said it didn’t work out with the other girl. He apologized profusely and told me I didn’t deserve that, but his life was just so messed up because of his divorce. Yadda, yadda, yadda, he love-bombed me and hooked me back in pretty quickly.
Of course he was still not divorced and still using his divorce as a point to elicit maximum sympathy from me.
We were living together within months. During this time we both worked full time jobs. One day when I returned home from work to my house, all his things were gone. This is the man who that very morning kissed me goodbye and said he loved me!!!!?????? Without warning he abandoned me again, only this time I was wiser……NOT….not at all. I was even more devastated and begged him to come back telling him I would do anything to make it work between us. He had started the process of devaluing me. Making every discomfort he felt a direct result of me or my behavior. During this time I think he dated the woman he broke up with me for early on in our relationship.
Well, he never did move back in with me, but he did me one better, he proposed to me! When I made it clear to him that there would be no sleepovers at his apartment on weeknights because I lived near where I worked and was a pretty structured person. I told him weekends only and I also immersed myself in painting the interior of my home, which I could tell made him extremely jealous. The painting was taking my attention off of him and he could not stand it. This would have been a wonderful time for me to get out of this relationship, but I still did not see him for what he was and had no idea what a sociopathic relationship was or how it could devastate your life. So, he proposed, gave me a ring and then proceeded to retract his proposal 2 times before I finally put my foot down.
This is the point of no return. I told him flat out one day I was done playing this cat and mouse game with him. I told him I was 41 years old and wanted someone to spend my life with. I told him if it was not going to be him, then it was going to be someone else. I told him even though breaking up with him would hurt me immensely, I would not waste 1 more minute in a relationship that was going no where. He left, and I thought that was it. It was over.
Two hours later, he called me said he must have been crazy to be all wishy washy about things. He professed his love and said he must marry me asap. We were married 3 weeks later (I paid for the wedding $8000).
Like most married couples do, I sold my house to move in with him. We eventually bought a home together, which he tricked me into signing over to him in full as part of a “I’ll comeback if you….” during one of the many times he left me during the marriage. Once I had signed the house over to him, was totally ensnared by him emotionally and materially, that is when he walked out on me the day after Christmas 2007, had me evicted from my home and was living with another woman in my house within a couple weeks. The horror that ensued over the next couple years is god awful. I’ll save it for another day, but like you, I was amazed how fast I was forgotten by his family and people he worked with and people I thought were OUR friends….but today I think I know why. I will share more soon. Thanks for listening!
mcmjuly, like me, you had EVERYTHING going for you (and I have complete respect and admiration for you raising your child alone, getting your degree and buying your own home!) and frankly, I believe this just pisses them off and makes the game even more fun for them…we had so much to lose. I had been in a brief and not so successful marriage and wasn’t in any hurry to get married again and because we both owned our own houses we never lived together but I spent 3 -4 nights a week at his house. Your comment about being structured and the painting project on your house really hit home with me. He wanted me with him constantly (except when he didn’t want me around, lol) and over time, I was basically living out of a backpack and my clothes in the back of my car and I was neglecting my home and my animals. I’d do the grocery shopping for his house, and never have any food at my own. (We lived about an hour apart.) There were many power struggles with me rationally explaining why I wanted to be at my own home once in awhile instead of hanging out at his house while he was doing whatever he felt like doing. I could never understand why he didn’t see my point of view and come to my house once more often, but I now know it was because he wanted to separate me from the things he knew I loved, and control my every movement. I remember vividly one time he came to my house when I hadn’t been there but to pour more cat food in the bowl and check my mail for quite awhile. There were spider webs in the shower and he flipped, calling me a terrible housekeeper and standing over me while I cried and cleaned it up, all the while trying to explain I hadn’t been there long enough to even look at the shower in weeks. I could go on and on.
He encouraged me to quit the job I had then (which was pretty good also) in preparation for our ultimate move together and so that I could focus on taking care of him and when I did, I got a good sized payout. Like you paying for your wedding, I paid for a beyond luxurious vacation for us (about the cost of your wedding) and he acted like a spoiled brat the entire time and complained about it and what all I failed to do to make it good for him for months afterwards. He never so much as thanked me.
My heart breaks that you sold your house to move in with him…I sold my house to buy the home I am now living in with him as partner, and he never lived in it and walked away right after he knew I had put everything I had into it with him risking nothing…he left me holding the bag. The home I sold would have been paid off in 5 years, and now I will be starting over from scratch. So…I can empathize with how you feel and what you have lost…it’s almost impossible to live with. But we have what it takes to rebuild, and we will.
Moon,
It stinks to hear that you two had things going and it be taken from you, mine was opposite, as she had been through umpteen diff jobs/addresses even went to military after college only to go awol. When we met she was living for free on a rich old ladies property in exchange for helping out with her polio stricken husband, she had 40k in student loan debt an old 92 ford escort and most of the stuff in the house belonged to the old lady.
After me she had her first child, stayed at the same job, we obtained more nice belongings and ultimately bought a house of which my name was never put on, we had another child, we started a successful business of which my name was not on, she has now been at the same job for 10 years now, has 2 vehicles that are newer, 2 healthy children doing great in school, her own home that shes had for 8 years, and a company doing well, while I get the boot and have nothing. I suspended my whole life thinking I was helping us, and was only helping her, only to have her actually taunt me once a few months ago saying “your pathetic david you don’t even own anything here” I helped pay for almost half the stuff in the house, I have payed on the mortgage, I have payed babysitters and been one myself to save money, I painted the inside of the house, had bills in my name for some time, ripped up all the carpet cause had nice hardwood floors, and I get nothing, I payed for half the buck stove insert, don’t get it or my money back, nor for the washer/dryer set, the flatscreen above the fireplace, 1300 dollars of my money that went to fixing the driveway from taxes, hell even my stainless steel grill out back, she got me for my birthday years ago yet I had to help pay for it LOL,,of course it always stays too. She bought me a really nice fish tank setup for Christmas many years ago, I only had to pay for extras I wanted, kicked me out once for 2 months and GAVE it to a mutual friend for free.
Disgusting people I tell ya.
~~I remember vividly one time he came to my house when I hadn’t been there but to pour more cat food in the bowl and check my mail for quite awhile. There were spider webs in the shower and he flipped, calling me a terrible housekeeper and standing over me while I cried and cleaned it up~~
WOW i am having a huge flashback rite now over a similar situation. him standing over me, me crying on the floor trying to screw a bedframe together (very complex and pcs ended up not working together…im not that dumb…) crying and crying for an hour probably, but he wont help me, just come in and be smug, becuz he feels its appropriate (im not telling whole story). the kids coming in mommy wats wrong, me lying, its ok, im ok, i just hurt my thumb. me hating myself for crying as men dont like that, and he will get tired of me crying CONSTANTLY…
DUH, Hélène. ur CRYING constantly!!!!! GET OUT!
i cried the first 6 wks we lived together. Then. I. Stopped.
it was rare he cud make me cry then.
wen i started this flashback it hurt, i could feel the hurt. i started affirming my core values and replacing that hurt with good images. it instantly helped and also replying here. i write this tho more so anyone reading it can say YES YES YES were u a fly on the wall???
these ppl are SICK and their minds are so similar in how they dysfunction.
get out if ur with them.
PLEASE!
HMoon,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I believe in you too. My ex walked out over 6 years ago. I only realized what he was and why I have not been able to put my life back together a few months ago, but now that I have I really think I may be able to pick the pieces up and start over at 53 years old. Thanks again for your insights…priceless!
wow …uggg!! Sorry this happened with your home….It is amazing how happy we can be with so little….just to have our life and minds back and be free from all the crazy!!I got so close to this kind of disaster, but red flags would go off and I feel I was protected from complete ruin….though the cost was huge financially , physically ,emotionally , and spiritually!!!!One thing that has been really helpful in getting my mind back has been essencial oils…may sound goofy, but I found DoTerra oils…..they have blends…”Serenity”, “Balance”, “Elevation”…when I am starting to feel myself obsess negative thoughts …I will breath in the aroma of them …not kidding…they go right to a spot in the brain and short circut all that and I feel a sense of well being and balance!!!….Also hearing about other people’s experiences….Thanks for sharing ….God’s grace to you…..
Dave, I hear what you are saying and I feel for you. As you are probably aware there are more women that go through this than men, but it does not invalidate that you did indeed suffer just as much. I believe the tactics of a sociopath woman and a sociopath man, while driven by the same selfishness tend to be different. Sounds like your spath was seductive in many of her tatics. Have you had any luck finding any websites that have info about psychopathic females? One resource you might like is a group of videos on youtube by Thomas Sheridan. He describes the psychopathic relationship perfectly and is really gender neutral. The first in the series is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tro2U-cezqo&list=TLXEY4HsjoBUma0x3lKxjaCyXMDJeQPR7h
Good luck to you Dave!
hey july,
thanks for the link ill check it out, I have not actually looked up female traits of this specifically, just traits in general. I don’t believe she is psycho, I think she has a touch of BPD and NPD.
Yes she could be seductive, as she always used sex as a tool to make up with me when I was angry with her instead of just talking about the problem, also, most of the romantic things she ever said were only during sex and that look in her eyes I cannot get out of my head, she looked so serious with what she said when she would whisper it and look me dead in the eyes, but it also had an eerie seductive look too. She was always the one saying “please don’t leave me, we cant be apart, this feels so right” and was always the one kicking me out.
Yes I think more women go through this than men, but im on another blog and there are many more men there then on here, however im having an issue with one who is a lawyer and he is an absolute prick, he has heard most of my story and the details and is now saying im abusive, self righteous, playing the victim card, neglecting my kids and making them think I abandoned them ect ect…I told him im starting to think hes a sociopath LOL.
It honestly is a bit harder for men to tell these stories cause many people find it harder to believe a man went through this. Im old fashioned, I just want a wife/partner/friend, however I think men and women are equals, one should not be above the other, I cant stand cheaters/liars/people who hold many secrets, I admit I had my fun in my teens and early 20s whoring around but one thing I never did was play games and tell those women I cared when I didn’t, I made it clear we were strictly “fun buddies” lol didn’t want to use the other F word. After my early 20s I didn’t want that life anymore, just want a woman whos honest and respects me, doesn’t cheat and lie, loves to spend time with me but likes do things on her own as well so we have our space, I don’t much like going out anymore, id rather spend my time at home with my woman, but ill go to dinner or once in a blue moon a local bar im familiar with, or maybe bowling. I hear women complaining about wanting someone that seems to be like me, yet I never seem to meet her, its depressing, just want a partner to share my life with.
Yeah Dave….good guys like you always seem to see women wanting the “bad boy” type. I think that is what websites like lovefraud and others are all about. It is a group of people trying to bring attention to the fact that these so called “bad boys” are more likely than not “sociopaths”….I believe my ex was a full fledged psychopath. Our marital home burnt down weeks after he had me evicted from it. For many reasons I believe he committed arson. I cannot prove it, and I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown when it occurred so I never did report my suspicions to the authorities. They probably would not have believed me anyway. He was smooth…an electrical engineer by trade…the fire was an electrical fire…and I have several other reasons why I believe he did this, obviously, for the insurance money. Anyway Dave, I’m assumming you are still in your 20s maybe 30s? Just be so glad that the biggest thing you learned with your ex is what you DON’T want in a woman. I believe there is a movement among women to expose these lying cheating relationship predators for what they are. Women by nature think they can “fix” and nurture these men, which in my case is called co-dependence. There is another great group of videos that explains why narcissistic and co-dependent personalities attract and why it is a terrible combo in a relationship. The guy was involved with a npd and talks about his own experiences as well as educating about the disorder in general. He calls it “human magnet syndrome”…his videos are very interesting: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8OgfVyM8u5xhoHTJPa9sOQ.
Hang in there kid!
Dave, I’m sorry you lost so much…whether male or female, it seems that these monsters bleed us dry in every way they can. All you, or any of us did was to approach these relationships like normal people do, and giving, sharing, contributing, etc. is a part of that. It has been a sticking point with me in therapy to get past this – and I finally understand that I did nothing wrong by sharing, carrying my weight, playing fair, honoring my commitments etc. because I had no idea he was a monster.
I have friends who are happy couples and I see them openly sharing with each other and making plans for the future and it scares me for them…don’t they know that the rug could be pulled out from under them at any minute!? Then I realize that they are normal and even if things do fall apart, it will be in a “normal” way. I am so sensitive to this that when I watch House Hunters International and couples are planning a move to a different country I get uncomfortable thinking that they don’t realize they could be abandoned at any minute. I’m projecting my experience on them, and I’ve got a lot of healing to do in this area…I’m sure time and distance and positive normal experiences will go a long way here. While I’m a long way from being ready to even consider a dinner out with someone let alone a relationship, I have hope that someday I will be ready because life is so much fun when it is shared. I hope you find someone!
awesome, thanks for the utube link. looks like a great series.
help keeps coming my way as i stay determined to get out of this sick mindset that ends me up with disordered men. thank you, Jesus!
“It’s nothing personal…” now statement that alone is freeing.
i do believe, as the utube speaker believes the cosmos does, that God brought this experience to me FOR MY GOOD, in the end. what the devil intended for evil, God uses for good, to them who love Him, according to His purposes.
No problem aint….check out the other series by Ross Rosenberg also…very good videos!
Many thanks for your post of the Sheridan video’s on UTube; they are EXCELLENTand worth everyone’s watch!
I’m glued to Sheridan’s video’s. Getting nothing else donebut this is so fascinating and educational. A whole new spin on topic of psychopaths! Extraterrestrial monsters etc. Thanks.
Yes Flicka, they are very good videos. Very helpful to anyone that’s been through a relationship/marriage to a psychopath. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tro2U-cezqo&list=TLXEY4HsjoBUma0x3lKxjaCyXMDJeQPR7h
Dave, still reading your reply’s…my heart goes out to you. You make me wonder if someone would have given me the evidence that my ex was a psychopath while or immediately after he abandoned me would it have made a difference? I don’t think so. Once you’re in you are in a world a crazy cognitive dissonance that is so painful, I dare say only time will give you perspective. I didn’t even realize my ex was a psychopath till a few months ago (even though he abandoned me 6 years ago). With this much distance and time behind me the realization has been helpful to me. I must share this: Something I read on here yesterday reminded me of some old emails (print outs) I thought I may still have of his. I went to this old filing cabinet I have, but rarely use and looked and sure enough they were there. I wanted to see if with my new found knowledge if they might have new meaning to me….and guess what, they did have new meaning. Meaning so scary, so sickening, so blatantly psychopathic that I became physically ill. I am luck that I got out with my life.
Oh I should note….that is why it is SOOOOOOOO important not to get into these relationships to begin with. Once in, even with all this good info, it will never be a breeze getting out….
mcmjuly, like you, I had saved some of his emails. I hadn’t looked at them for a long time and when I did, I had the same reaction as yours. I had also saved some of my replies, and I was shocked and sickened to see what he had reduced me to. I couldn’t shred them fast enough.
Getting past trying to figure it out was the hardest phase for me, but when I did it, I rediscovered the pre-psychopath me, who woke up with a clear head in the morning and looked forward to the day. The me who had lunch with friends or went shopping or flipped through gardening magazines instead of doing what I now think of as “hoarding my private rumination time”, which was destroying me and causing me to neglect everything I loved.
I’m at a crossroads where shortly his last bit of control over my life will be severed and I feel absolutely giddy. I feel like I’ve completed a doctorate in survival and like I’m about to dive into a calm sea that he has never touched and never will and swim with wild abandon. I never understood what people really meant when they said “they did the work”. Now I do. I almost can’t believe it, but I’m feeling how I felt before I met him, and took for granted. I feel normal, and I will never take it for granted again.
Tattered, I lived thru the same things as you. But mine was my college sweetheart, we met as athletes, I thought we were perfect for each other. I was totally faithful—he cheated the entire 26, yes 26 years, I knew him. I had no clue, my family, friends–no clue. He had also lied to his family the whole marriage, telling them how awful I was. They dumped me AND our children, like a hot potato. We were married for 24. Mine never struck me, but I got a Dom. Violence Protection Order due to his emotional abuse of our kids. And he lost all custody and contact with them. When I got the DVPO, 3 months after I ended the marriage, I felt guilty! Felt bad for doing this to someone in my family! Thank the Lord clarity came quickly. But they brainwash you and I really did NOT understand who/what he was til I left. I had the sense to put my foot down and get the DVPO. After our split, he cont’d to contact me every single day. When my sister heard this, she said, “STOP IT!” and it rattled me out of a fog—-I said, “You are right! He keeps finding something to talk to me about.” And I stopped it right there. Refused to talk to him —-told him to email. This loss of control caused him to go haywire. He grew more and more nutso, ended up in jail, after breaking in on me, and violating the DVPO.
He had another girl in place 4 days after our split. I also tried to warn her…. I genuinely felt sorry and concern for anyone he went near… and she didn’t listen at all. His brother later told me that he abuses her horribly… actually tells her he’s going to (screw) another girl, when they get in a fight… and he does… and she asks him to come back home, and he does, etc. Sick, sick. It’s amazing the things I kept believing, that he said, even after I learned about the cheating. It takes some time to clear our heads and really understand them. Reading about sociopaths online really helped me. My sister also read extensively and would discuss with me. This helped a lot. The biggest thing that helped me though, was giving it to God. I just totally asked God to direct me and help me heal. His healing was miraculous. I am 20 months out and feel NOTHING for him, and really haven’t since just a few months out. I have had joy and peace all along, despite going thru real trauma with his arrests, etc. because I know I am walking fwd. in God’s will. I was madly in love and could never imagine that I’d be happy to be alone & divorced at age 50, but I’m ecstatic. So thankful God brought me the truth about who I was living with. I know God has something much better for me ahead! You are so smart to say you’re just working on yourself. That’s the right attitude! My BF went thru similar, and she says Divorce Care helped her tremendously.
Thank you Quinn for so accuratly describing the psychological, mind-altering abuse every victim of the sociopath suffers.Your skill of verbally expressing the deepest feelings and analysis of what every victim suffers are right on!”Real victims of these empathy-lacking individuals are warriors, survivors an eventually healers.” Thank you so much!
These type of people have perfected the “I am a victim” strategy. My ex couldn’t ‘get’ to me because I had a restraining order. (I do not recommend) So he sued me for defamation of character. He used his company’s lawyer so he basically had unlimited resources. I had to take a 401k loan. He intentionally drug it out and piled on discovery to financially “punish” me.
It strategy was pretty successful.
Has anyone experienced a sociopath using the courts as retaliation for
being served with divorce?
Quinn I love this article, thank you for sharing it. I blamed myself a long time for the havoc bringing an spath into my life caused among my friends, in my education and ultimately my career. So glad it is behind me, and you! Reading your journey helps me affirm my own.
Hi everyone- this article comes at an appropriate time for me. My verbally abusive ex boyfriend and I have been separated 3 months now after I left him. Within those three months he has not reached out to me. Monday his therapist emails me explaining how sad he is and would like to talk to me to help her HELP HIM. Could not believe my eyes. He’s crying and all sad, playing the victim. Number 1 this whack of a therapist had very inappropriate boundaries because she knew why I left the relationship. I told her it’s very upsetting to me that you are trying to put me back into an abusive relationship with someone who is not capable of being in on. She replied ” I’m sorry you feel you were in an abusive relationship” No lady- I was in one I can assure you! I don’t get it I just don’t! And this may sound silly but it hurts me he turns to her for everything, and confides in her, when I was the one that went above and beyond for him. I was doing so well not hearing from him and then this wacko emails me and I can’t stop crying. I told her I don’t want to see him, speak to him, I’m moving on. Now I’m regretting it. But I know I had to go against my heart and listen to my head for once. Now I’m back to crying. If he was truly sorry he would have reached out. I’m just so tired of being sad.
i am SURE she has crossed ethical boundaries. but im rly thinking LEGAL ones too as a therapist. Report her whacko-ness immediately to the licensing board in ur state.
They will investigate and she will leave u the heck alone…she’ll be busy for one thing!
sum ppl have no sense of decency.
if shes being suckered in by him, heres a wake up call, if she takes it.
lov10, that is outrageous! Stand firm, No Contact! No Contact! It’s the greatest gift you can give yourself. The clarity that came to me, the longer I had NC, was amazing. Your sadness will go away, I promise!! Been there! Take care of yourself, honor yourself enough to maintain NC. You can do this, and you will be SO glad you did. The sadness will leave, but if he remains, the sadness will not….it will get much worse. Prayers.
Quin, I LOVE that you said that about secrets being their tool of trade. YES YES YES. I have never seen anything good come from secrets. After my experiences I have become secret allergic, confidences are one thing, secrets another. Even if the truth is hard to hear, its far better to bite the bullet and face it head on. Truth, authenticity, and love in all its myriad of positive forms are for me now the measure of life well lived.
And I guess I learned that from what I went through, and I am grateful for that (now Im a ways down the track) but I don’t think I will bother thanking the two spaths I gave my heart and years to.
July, moon,
I am 34 now, I met her when I was 25. She pulled me out of a pit I fealt I was in, love bombed me, I fell for her faster than any other in my life, she made me happy and normal again, that is until I moved in with her, within 3 days I seen things in her I never noticed while dating, it scared me but she was already pregnant and im not going to leave someone I just got pregnant so I just endured through it.
I think maybe I was co-dependant too, as when she told me about her messed up childhood (which is true other family members confirmed it) I thought ya know I can give her something she has lacked all her life a family, so I fell in love, stayed loyal to her, gave her 2 kids, helped her build her life and I thought she would have been in bliss but it was the opposite, she would say things like im trying to control her, and she just wants her life back, she claimed once I turned her into a monster and she just wants to be the happy person she was before she met me, things like that really mess with your mentality and make you feel guilty so you start second guessing what you did and said in the relationship thinking to yourself maybe I did do something wrong.
She has always had me where I have to beg to come back and admit fault and apologize and make compromises, I am not doing that now so she is giving me silent treatment as punishment and probly to make me second guess myself again, I will not fold this time as I know I did not mess this up.
I am not perfect and I have my faults, I have a felony record from when I was 19 that causes me hardships with jobs, the ones I get pay crap like 10 bucks an hour, she makes close to 20, so she always been the breadwinner and makes me feel guilty for it, that’s why I wanted to start a business so I could get around the felony thing, she said no, that I would not sit in her house while she worked and payed bills and start my own business, several years later she took my idea and she started it and I was just the employee.
In july we almost split up, but then she had to service a customer and changed her mind and didn’t want to kick me out, when I asked why she was nice and said she needs me and cant do it alone and that we are more of a team for the company than she gave me credit for, only for a month later to tell me I don’t do enough for the business and shes mad she has a day job and im getting to live her dream. Her dream??? This was my idea, and it was my dream to run a business to better myself and family and not have to deal with background checks and crap paying dead end jobs. The whole time after we launched my name was rarely mentioned she is the “owner” I was the “route driver” She has been in numerous newspapers and magazines and never is my name mentioned its always her who created this and gets the glory, not that I wanted glory it just made me feel used that I never got credit. Even her friends and family wouldn’t talk to me about it, only her and would pat her on the back and leave me out. So moon I fully know where your coming from as now im paranoid thinking that everyone will do this to me now or to others. She has bashed my self confidence with the name calling and making me feel like a loser cause I never made much money telling me im no husband or father or provider and im pathetic, now I get nervous around other women cause I think they look at me and think im a nobody.
And im still in love with her, that’s the bad part. What im in love with does not exist as she has a serious problem, im in love with the woman that acts normal and we get along, but that is only 30% of the time.
Dave…get out and stay out! They’re monsters out to destroy you. You have to do this by and for yourself!
Dave, I agree with flicka…get out and stay out! I know it’s hard with kids! For me, the abandonment was so horrible that in a short time I was so repulsed and disgusted by him that getting over him was the least of my problems. You’ve already said you know it was all fake – time to start believing it! You have a lot going for you! You’re young, you’re intelligent and you know you have what it takes to succeed. I am much older than you and I lost my life’s savings – more money than I will EVER be able to accumulate again…while my ex is in his ocean view house with his new wife planning their next fabulous trip. So I know how you feel – seeing her in the business that was your idea must just kill you, but (and it’s taken me a long time to get here), what’s gone is gone…you can’t undo it, and take it from me, not accepting it for what it is will eat you alive. You don’t want to waste one more minute of your life feeling/living this way. Freedom is everything.
Ruminating over what has been/could have been/should have been only means you are still at the psycho’s mercy. The sooner you accept it as finished (even though you feel harmed), the sooner you’ll begin the healing process. Good luck and stick to NC…for your own good!
There has been no contact in a week, other than me calling every other night to speak with the kids and even then we don’t talk, she just hits the button on phone and hands it right to the kids. She is playing the silent game cause she thinks shes punishing me, and thinks it will make me second guess myself so ill start apologizing.
As ive stated that is one thing I refuse to do this time, I will not sit here and take blame for running her company, carting my kids around, doing all the house chores, while she acted like a jerk and tried to kick me out twice during the year, then ultimately did it in December, all because she thinks she can do and say as she pleases. Matter of fact ive not shown anybody this, so im gonna post the emails between us that led to this where she blew me off for a business even at a bar for her ex.
When I found out she invited him I confronted her,,she made it out like I could go,,3 days later she just went without me and told me she would be home late, to which I said “have fun drinking with dan while I babysit” this was her response.
“You can’t babysit your own children and your welcome to go out anytime you want this is a great promotional event for greenscoop.
Anyway
you never have a good time w me and you always want to leave asap anytime we go somewhere.
Please make plans w someone I would not mind being home w kids unfortunatly I have to work full time and run this business. I have a future I want to look forward to for myself and my family I have the opportunity to make that happen with a business that I can be proud of. I have spent tons of money and time I will do what I can to keep going. ”
Notice how she glossed over what upset me and turned it on me saying I wont even watch my own kids.
My response,,,,
“wow way to turn this around on me. why does that not surprise me?
1st,,i never stated anything about not wanting you to go. Its good for business.
2nd,,cant babysit my own kids, i havent a damn clue what you mean by that, i would have watched them regardless unless i was going too.
3rd,,you know exactly what im talking about so way to gloss over the WHOLE point i made to you last week in the kitchen. I told you that bothered me that you invited him and not me, and i told you i wanted to go, you said ok, you obviously had no intention of taking me as you never cancelled with dan.
And last, the damn thing only last 2 hours at a bar, why in the hell would i be wanting to leave a bar after 2 lousy hours?
This has nothing to do with me watching the kids, i watch them all the time when you go to events and i dont complain, this has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that your inconsiderate and this hurts my feelings, the other thing dan went to i would not have wanted to be at, but this is a regular bar, i told you i wanted to go, you said ok, and you still took dan anyway, but im supposed to be happy about that, while you sit here and berate me attempting to change half the subject and turn the tables on me. This is messed up. Thats all i was trying to convey.”
What followed is what really disgusted me,,her response to my response.
”
Nov 20, 2013
There you go with your whining again. I don’t want to go to a networking event with someone that I KNOW will not enjoy it and just be mean to me in front of everyone like you always are.
Talk about hurting feelings, you have no concern for mine what so ever. cause its always about you and how much you do…. all you do is whine about being able to sit at home. You always make sure to make everyone know how you sit at home with kids most of the time and COOK. Nobody cares!!! Indicating that I do nothing. Its always a whining competition for you like people should feel sorry for you???? For what!
Tired of you telling me I over react, it is obvious that the things that are important to me you think don’t matter.
Why would you ever want to go anywhere with me, we never can enjoy ourselves … and don’t blame me for that.. its both of us.
On a side note it is very heart breaking that we can not have a good time together and don’t enjoy the same things. Are interest are competently opposite. ”
Notice again this was all about me and how crappy I am,,she said I watch kids and cook,,she left out I run her business, clean, do laundry, dishes, mow grass, haul n chop firewood, take the kids to and from school then made it out like I call people and tell them I do everything while she does nothing,,the truth is the opposite its always her telling me and everyone else how she does it all and how I do nothing. She blows me off for an ex, then tells me that im bitching cause I don’t want to watch the kids, then tells me im whining, then tells me I would have treated her badly infront of everyone, then says we have nothing in common. Notice in this exchange not one time did she say sorry for doing that to me, or anything about how it made me feel other than im a whiner and wont watch my kids, the whole thing got turned on me, and this is how almost all our arguments go. Im gonna take a wild guess and say that everyone on here that reads this is going to say this is similar or identical to the arguments they had with their SO that was disordered.
Am I right? Men or women, when I read the stories they all sound like my ex and me,,ALL OF THEM, some different things happened and what not, but the majority of them sound identical.