by Quinn Pierce
When I first met my ex-husband, I was moved by the amount of compassion and sympathy he showed for the traumatic experiences of my past. To me, it was an endearing quality for someone to be so caring and supportive. He kept telling me how honored he was that I trusted him enough to tell him things I hadn’t talked to many people about before.
Ulterior Motives
I look back with cringe-inducing clarity, and I recognize several ulterior motives for his false compassion. For one, he was assessing me as a partner. He learned that, at the time, I was a very secretive person. I had a select few people I confided in, and I was not one to talk to others about my own painful experiences.
This is a very appealing trait, I can imagine, to a sociopath. My ex-husband knew I would not be quick to complain to others about anything he would do in the future, or recognize his actions for the abuse they would be.
Secondly, he was testing my dedication and trust toward him. How much would I divulge, how comfortable could he make me feel?
Lastly, and this proved to be painfully true of all confidences in our relationship, he was stockpiling ammunition for use at a later date. He would often condemn me in verbal tirades for those same things he would show so much sympathy for earlier.
The Real Victim
Eventually, he was able to twist my perception of certain events so that he would be portrayed as the victim, while I was always responsible for making him feel bad and playing the victim.
This happened so frequently and with such conviction on his part, that after my separation, I was actually surprised when someone I was talking to referred to me as a victim. I didn’t even know how to respond. I almost denied what sounded to me like an accusation, but I didn’t say a word while I let the information sink in.
It took several months of counseling and reprocessing memories for me to understand that I was the actual victim in the relationship. It would be even longer before I could equate my experiences with what I considered ‘real victims’. I had yet to learn exactly what psychological abuse was or how far reaching the effects were. It was more than just living with someone who could manipulate my actions and rewrite memories, it was like being the test subject to a mad scientist who was rewiring my brain.
Separating Fact From Fiction
The first thing I had to do in order to begin healing was separate the realities of my marriage with the illusion of the life my ex-husband worked so hard to maintain. That meant believing and accepting the fact that I was a victim. This was difficult for me to digest. I have always been sympathetic to other people who have experienced abuse, but for me to accept sympathy from others was a very uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it would make me appear to be a weak character. Someone who was seeking attention or causing drama. All the things I avoided in my life, and all the things my ex-husband thrived on.
However, my thought process was innately flawed, mostly because of the picture my ex-husband painted of me for so many years. There were so many characteristics of him that I didn’t like and wanted to free myself from, one of which was the recurring role of victim. I was not rushing to take on that role, myself.
Once the understanding dawned, it was like I had opened my eyes after a long sleep. I finally saw the truth: He was never the victim, I was.
That realization changed everything. It empowered me to take back control of my life by validating my experiences, feelings, and struggles. It connected me with other survivors. And that is a key difference between the sociopathic victim role play and real victims, we recognize that the victimization is over, and we have survived. My ex-husband needs to keep himself in the role of victim to suit his needs and perpetuate his manipulation. He has no desire to move past that role, because it isn’t real.
From Victim to Survivor
Real victims of these empathy-lacking individuals are warriors, survivors, and eventually, healers. We share our experiences and search for answers hoping to make sense of what we experienced. We grow and change and thrive.
Admitting I was a victim meant reclaiming my life. I am not responsible for my ex-husband’s behavior, I am responsible for mine. I cannot change how he lives his life and who he hurts, cheats, or manipulates along the way, but it will no longer be me.
Ironically, those initial traits he found so beneficial to his success as an abuser are the very traits that changed because of his abuse. In my quest for peace and healing, the most rewarding part of my recovery is sharing my story with as many people as I can. No longer embarrassed or shamed into silence, the experience freed my voice and my spirit.
My fifteen years of subtle manipulation and abuse gave me the incentive to figure out who he really was so I would never become a victim of anyone like him again. And, in the process, I learned that secrets are the abusers tools of control and manipulation.
Maybe he should have payed more attention to my ‘silly little interests’ during our marriage. He was quick to belittle and minimize anything I enjoyed or anything others saw as a talent. Unfortunately for him, topping the list is one I have turned into an extremely rewarding career choice: Writer.
‘Divorce Corp’ documentary exposes corrupt and collusive divorce industry – even before the sociopaths show up
Great article. I had to reread several of the sentences over in my head. It still baffles me at the incredible “control” this evil has over another human being.
These individuals represent everything evil about human beings on the Earth. I married not one, BUT two of these individuals and believe it or not the second one was WORSE than the first one. He had honed his skills and was Mr. Charming. He had an answer for every question and a thoughtful gesture for any moment he felt I needed the “con” again.
Slowly, over the period of our time together which was almost 20 years I finally “got” it. At the time I wasn’t sure what “it” was but I knew I had married and stay married to a person with no morality and a desire to hurt anyone he could to get what he wanted.
Finally, he found victim number five hundred ninety nine. I made the number up. Heaven only knows how many “victims” are scattered along side the road of his pitiful life.
It has taken me three years, but I am a totally different person. Like you it was like waking up from some type of dream/nightmare. My head was somewhere else for most of this sick relationship. Thank goodness he found someone else and I escaped.
Dave, here is the deal. These ladies are correct. Get out. The only one that “wins” is the devil in this scene. Take this opportunity to plan your escape so that you can have the life you deserve. If you don’t, she will continue to suck the rest of your soul out of your tormented body and then toss it away like last week’s trash.
After she has done that she will yell “NEXT”….and calmly walk away.
I know your right hope, but this is still fresh, its consuming me, one minute im angry like a BP, the next im depressed, then im confused, then I over anaylize everything that happened, only to get angry again then depressed and wonder why this is happening to me after all I did to help build this life and be left with nothing but an old car and clothes living with my mother at 34 years old like an overgrown child. I cant tell if I want to stick my fist through a wall or go curl up and cry like a baby, or just admit myself to a mental ward.
I will admit ultimately after that email exchange, then her starting shit on thanksgiving so I couldn’t go, then 2 days later trying to use sex to make up, then 3 days after that we got into it in the driveway over putting plates on a new vehicle I finally had enough and I refused to go to work the next day telling her to call off work and go run the route, which is when she told me to get out, I wasn’t quitting or leaving, I didn’t know what else to do, she wouldn’t talk about this unless bashing me, so I put my foot down the only way I knew how, I thought it would gain her attention and make her think,,it only served to piss her off further, I know I probly could have found a better way but I was desperate and didn’t know what else to do that would get her to realize just how bad things were and how upset I was.
I need a counselor.
Dave, we All here care and are trying to help but until you’re willing to help yourself by going complete NC,no one can help you.
oh yeah,,”things that are important to me you think don’t matter”
what does that have to do with what I was upset with? Not one time did I tell her she shouldn’t go to that event or that I thought it was stupid, I asked if I could go too. She made every excuse in the world to justify what she did while bashing me in the process, in other words I got guilt tripped for the messed up thing she did to me.
Sorry for the rant all, but I finally wanted to show her words compared with mine and why all this time at first I would argue, then I would re read things she wrote or said in person and I would second guess myself thinking maybe I actually did do something wrong, hence why I would keep going back, I used to ask her “if im so shitty of a person why do you keep letting me back” to which she would say “why do you keep coming back if im so bad” well that was the problem, I kept coming back cause she would convince me it was all my fault, so that still begs the question, if it was all my fault and im so lousy, why would you keep allowing me to move back in your house? Why would you say we just cant be apart, and to never leave you? And this feels so right?
I absolutely cannot stand people that say things like that and don’t mean them, to play with someone elses feelings/emotions/heart is the worst kind of treachery.
Dave, I spent most of the 7 years I was with my ex as well as the first few months after he abandoned me driving myself crazy going over and over what he said and I said and he said and I said until I finally got it – NONE of that mattered. He was just playing with me and she’s just playing with you. Going over it and trying to figure it out and justify it etc. will get you nowhere. I suffered terribly until I was able to get myself out of that mind trap, and I feel for you.
Flicka’s earlier comment “Ruminating over what has been/could have been/should have been only means you are still at the psycho’s mercy. The sooner you accept it as finished (even though you feel harmed), the sooner you’ll begin the healing process” is so right on. And like hope52 said, she will play with you until there is nothing left to play with, laugh in your face and walk away like you never existed.
Really, no contact is your salvation. There is NO good in these people.
Dave, she says and does those things because she is disordered. I am unsure if she is a sociopath or a borderline personality, but definitely one of those. If you keep trying to justify your own goodness and sanity, you are playing her game, still trying to get her love. The only thing is she’s not capable of love, so it’s an endless quest. She may “seem” like she loves you part of the time, and that’s what keeps you hanging on. You are in love with a ghost. And the part of you that is in love keeps blocking out the part that sees the truth. I really hope you will get out and stay out and give it some time to break the addiction. I do think there is someone better for you out there when you get out of this suffering.
Oh Dave, my heart aches for you. I know exactly what you are going through. This is without doubt one of the hardest times you will ever face. But its also where you find your greatest strength.
Its utterly crazy making. I know what the relentless obsessive circling sifting and sorting is like in your head. They take up so much space, energy and pain there. I know for sure it is impossible to make sense of it, there is NO sense to it. You will never be heard or your pain acknowledged by her, EVER. I wanted that so bad from my ex. I was a feisty committed workforce development worker for mental health services, fought every day for services to respond better to the people that need them and for staff working in them. Sometimes making headway even! At home I became a debased wet paper bag pleading for a minute piece of love or even like sometimes. The dissonance was shattering and the shame of it disabling. I was eroding into nothingness. I am very good at communication and influencing and inspiring positive change and always before this there would be a solution, a compromise, a way through, But with him it was impossible, I loved more, gave more, guessed what was wanted while the goal posts shifted like mirages, all the while searching for the man I gave my heart, trust and soul to in the person in front of me- sometimes a glimpse, enough to give me hope but not enough to stop the pain. I was eroding into nothing
I left (hoping he would then realise how much he loved and needed me) I tried no contact but would use the flimsiest of excuses to contact and be tortured again, studying every word, look, glance and nuance and ascribing meaning to them. I used to watch moths at night bashing themselves over and over on the light and thought that is what I am.
In the end it had to stop otherwise I would lose myself forever. Id seen what suicide does to families and friends so often, that couldn’t be an option as tempting and seductive as it was. So I seriously did no contact AND I also banned myself from thinking about him. Every time I did I imagined a HUGE STOP sign and would move onto a distracting anything- anything at all that got me out of my head and back in the present. At first it was thousands of time a day, or it seemed that way but I stuck at it, better some days than others. I also made a conscious decision to not be bitter or see the world as evil and hopeless. Worked really hard on that. I made myself notice lovely things, like people laughing, flowers and stuff to remind me that there is good all around us. At first that almost hurt more because I felt excluded from it and didn’t believe good would happen to me, Id lost faith I guess. It took a lot, a whole lot BUT it worked. It really did
Im happier than Ive ever been now, I have peace, self belief, I know how strong I really am, self love (most of the time), a lot more wrinkles yes and no material wealth but Im surrounded by family and friends who sincerely love me as is. My grown up children that Im so close to, total treasure. I LOVE my job, gives my life meaning.
Like the others on here, no contact is the only way to get free and be who you deserve to be. It will never make sense, she will never hear you (unless it suits something else she wants) and she will never see the wonderful man you are. Don’t let the fiction of who she presented at first steal any more of your life. The very best of luck and warm wishes
alot of wat u said is grief. i wish i had no idea wat im talking about. oh i wish i didnt.
there are diff kinds of grief. we all grieve any loss. the loss of a job, the loss of a dream, the loss of money, the loss of a friend or a lifestyle (like wen we move away), the loss of hope (this is life-threatening and needs to be dealt with immediately!).
then theres the loss due to a death. its unlike any other loss. its soul shattering. i believe in the relationships described on the site, one of the hard parts is the grief that comes from realizing that person u loved is DEAD. maybe never existed, but to u, he/she has DIED. its awful.
seeing others walk around, relatively carefree or happy or laughing, or content makes ur mind SPIN.
in fact, why is the *earth* Still Spinning? Why Is Life Still Going On?? half of YOU has died( or a child u bore, etc). i cud not wrap my mind around the fact that the cosmos cud still exist, my pain was so great and my loss so profound.
How could this only affect ME? yes, it was affecting others, brothers and sisters, parents, aunts and uncles, friends. but their whole WORLD was not crashing and burning. they didnt see flames instead of the sun. wen they woke up they didnt start sobbing anew EVERYDAY.
They Went On. as they shud. it was right they shud. i had to give them that right. i rly wasnt bitter but it was just astounding to me that ppl cud go to work, walk to the park, talk about oh, ANYthing else, or LAUGH.
u do feel excluded from life. in a sense u are, ur deeply immersed in DEATH.
so what ur saying, describing, aeteoroangel (& many others on here) is a grieving.
spaths not only tear us apart as any commitment betrayal does, they induce a death-grief also. its a double whammy.
i think this is why NC is so important. this person u thot WAS, is NOT. has died, basically. u have to not have them in ur world to get this thru ur head and GO ON. or u will just stay in grief; over and over, renewed fresh grief. and thats a hell equal in proportion to living with the spath.
You are so right Aint! I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Plus I think a piece of you dies too, I will never be as trusting, naïve or blind again. You are already SO exhausted from the battle as well, with your dignity and self belief on empty.
When you look at it like that, aren’t we amazing to survive? And go on to new lives……….
Kia kaha (in NZ that means stay strong)
Dave,
I don’t know if everyone here will agree with this, but we do all agree that the pain you are in is almost unbearable. If you have a family doctor that you feel comfortable talking with, you may want to explain your situation to him/her. There may be medication that will help take the edge off till you can get some time and distance between you and your ex. I’m not thinking of anit depressants, but rather something that would have a more immediate effect. (Benzodiazepines). Just a thought…but if the pain is unbearable, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Dave, trying to figure out a disordered person is like trying to hear the sound of the number 9. Why waste your precious energy doing this?
TY all for the support.
I have another problem arising now. And I know this will sound funny to the women/mothers on here, but I just got paperwork to go to child support place next month, I want to support my kids, but this woman has left me in financial and emotional ruins and now wants money from me when she has it made with all the things I helped obtain/build. The least she could do is give me time to get on my feet, I cant even support myself right now let alone both my kids.
Dave, I know it’s hard to grasp, but you’ve got to find a way to stop thinking about her as if she is just a normal jerk. She isn’t, she is a disordered monster. She won’t give you time to get on your feet because she doesn’t WANT you on your feet. She is incapable of caring, and incapable of understanding the concept of being fair. Everything she does is about her game and about what she feels like doing at any given minute, and what will serve her, including using sex to make you feel like everything will be ok so she can hurt you even more. Don’t try to understand or to base anything on what a normal person would do, or what she has done in the past…this is a moving target that is completely unpredictable except for one outcome – she will destroy you. Do what you have to do to survive. I was in basic survival mode for several years and took it one minute at a time and it was necessary. We’re pulling for you.
go get a job, ANY job–no one is above only making minumum wage, it will not kill u. ride a bike there or WALK if theres no bus.
if u show u are trying, the judge will make the support tied to ur income. if u have none, they are very unsympathetic.
u have to do something.
if u just excuse ur unemployment with whatever reason(s) u have, ur doing YOURSELF a disservice, let alone ur children.
and she can and will use it against u for YEARS, including with ur kids.
dont give her that ammo.
aint,,,im trying to job hunt, the area im in was hit hard by the recession years ago, I would have to go to Dayton or cincy to find halfway decent work outside of fast food and my car is bout to blow up, I have no issues paying support for my kids, I agree it should be done, of course she could care less of my situation and neither will the courts, its pay or go to jail. She knows I have a felony record and came down here broke and jobless with a broke car, she has the income to provide easily, and I know she could care less if im on my feet or not, and neither will the courts, push comes to shove I will go work at mcdonalds.
However, I am sorely pissed that I was lied to and involved in welfare fraud, and I am seriously thinking of reporting her, she told me she could not afford to insure the kids at her work it was 300 a month, yet she could afford to pay 350 a month on this new van for the business and really its over 400 a month with full coverage, so I had to sign something saying I wasn’t working in order for them not to cancel my kids Medicaid cause I thought she couldn’t afford it and didn’t want them going without insurance. This pisses me off to the fullest extent that not only was I lied to, and involved in this fraud, but that she had the money and lied to the state/govt to get free shit, this is not the first time she has pulled this,,she used to lie and say she was a single mother and not report that I lived there making an income to get help with childcare and free medical insurance, and would go to this firestation on Christmas to get free gifts even though our kids from us, and both our parents had mountains of gifts. Yet she would complain about the welfare family across the street from us.
investing the energy and effort into trying to hurt her by reporting her is useless. it wud connect u to her even further also.
let GO. walk away from her behavior.
connect only with the kids.
Oh! darned computer! I was responding to a comment and it said “reported.”
HanaleiMoon – you write so well and with such calm clarity. All the while showing the anguish. Thank you because it gives me so much hope.
One of the toughest points to handle was the lack of awareness on the part of mainstream psychology personnel. In my previous jaunts into romance, I have let go and also been released, but never before encountered such an attempt to devour the soul of another. Like you, the attempt to comprehend the events and playing field set me in a whirl of mental chaos. It’s better and I am finally working with the aftermath of not only emotions and financial devastation, but in my loss of spiritual dimension.
I am grateful for this forum.
~Becky
I am so glad for this site. Dave, please listen to the advice given; it’s all excellent! Don’t play the “woe is me” card as no judge will listen to the soap opera you’re currently going through! Get out, get a job and all will eventually fall into place, as soon as you forget her. Good luck! We’re all pulling for you.
Everyone is right Dave. I think its important for YOU that you do this on your terms not hers. Take your power back
A job will also distract from that round and round thinking too.
Dave, I strongly recommend that you read a book titled Psychopath Free http://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Emotionally-Relationships-Narcissists/dp/0615788661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=utf8mb4&qid=1390592511&sr=8-1&keywords=psychopath+free
It’s a quick read and I believe it will help you face some of the issues you’re struggling with. It all started getting better, albeit slowly, for me after I read this book.
TY all again for the advice and support.
I know in my heart the best thing to do is no contact, get back to work and just let the rest fall in place, this is just so fresh right now, 10 years of hell/some happiness, and its only been 2 months of breakup. At times I feel like I cant function, I almost feel like I have no motivation, friends and family keep saying I should have more motivation then anybody to work and go get my kids again with a really nice car,,,start working out again so I look like I used to, and watch her squirm with jealousy. I just don’t feel much motivation right now, all I feel is walls that just fell down on me and buried me alive, but you all are right, I know what needs done, and its up to me to get it going.
Hey Dave, as with all times of early recovery and healing you do also need to be gentle with yourself too. Yes do all those things but start by putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t try and eat the elephant all at once. And every day include time for the people in your life that positively support and sustain you. Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes and take every day as fresh and new. It IS a lot like recovering from addiction or mental illness from what I can tell. When the BIG feelings come, don’t fight them just let them flow on through and out (I found that REALLY hard, Im by nature a fighter and action person).
You have people on here giving you positive support and acceptance.
The best years of your life are IN FRONT of you, it just doesn’t feel that way yet.