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By | March 4, 2013 119 Comments

Relationships after the sociopath

I received the following email from the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Zimzoomit:”

I saw the Lifetime Network show about you and lovefraud.com. What I would like to know is how the man who came next (your true lover, after the fraud) helped you to overcome the emotional havoc your ex who frauded you caused? Is there a specific blog or link on lovefraud.com to tell us how he helped you?

Were you able to talk about things that bothered you about your ex, even ever so occasionally, when/if the haunted thoughts encroached on you ”¦ even if only occasionally but for years after the fact, and if so, what things did your new love say, to help you overcome those thoughts? Was he willing to listen, or did he occasionally treat you like a “broken record”?

Yes, after the sociopath, I now have a wonderful husband, Terry Kelly. We truly love each other, care about each other, and want each other to be happy. I should point out, however, that Terry wasn’t my first relationship after the con artist.

First post-sociopath relationship

Seven months after I left my sociopathic husband, James Montgomery, I started dating a man named John. John was younger than me, fun and entertaining. We actually met online and corresponded for more than two months before meeting in person.

At the time, I was in the midst of finding out what my ex was really all about, communicating with some of his other victims, and filing for divorce. I described some of what was going on in my emails. The story, of course, was outrageous, and I guess that John was actually intrigued.

John lived an hour and 45 minutes away from me, so we saw each other only on weekends. We did normal dating things going out to dinner, to concerts, to parties with his friends or my friends. That’s one of the biggest things John offered me—a sense of normalcy, like a safe harbor amid the insanity of my divorce. He also paid for all our entertainment, which I appreciated, because I was broke.

I did talk to him about my outrage at my ex and my frustration with the legal case. John stayed with me until the divorce was finalized, and for a few months after that. Eventually, however, the relationship ended, and he did make a comment to the effect of, “all you talk about is James.” He may have also begun to feel that my problems were just too big, and he couldn’t solve them.

Still, we had loved each other, and because I loved him, the end of the relationship was emotionally more painful than the end of my marriage. In retrospect, however, John and I were really quite different, not an ideal match. I believe that John was in my life to support me at a very difficult time and that was it. I have fond memories of him, but our relationship was not meant to be forever.

Second post-sociopath relationship

Ten months after I broke up with John, I met Terry at a nightclub. A week or so later he took me out to dinner, and we talked about our circumstances. He had been in a long-term marriage, and his wife had just asked for a divorce. I figured I might as well be honest, and told him that I was married to a con man who took a quarter million dollars from me, cheated with multiple women, etc., etc.

I didn’t know how Terry was going to react. In fact, a month passed before he called for another date—I thought I had scared him away. But when he arrived for our second date, he brought his most recent tax return to show me. He thought what I had been through was terrible, and wanted to show me that he did make his own money.

Terry and I dated for four years before we married. With him, I truly learned to give and receive love, and live in partnership. We care about and support each other. He’s my biggest cheerleader with Lovefraud. In fact, I couldn’t have created it without his support.

If you’d like to read more about how these men helped me, it’s all in the printed edition of my first book, Love Fraud. (The e-book has been abridged, and does not contain the description of my relationship with John.) The story really is romantic

Love Fraud how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan.

Primer for post-sociopath relationships

Here are what I think are the take-home lessons:

1. In order to have a happy, loving relationship with someone else, we must first heal ourselves.

No one can overcome the emotional havoc for us we must do it ourselves. While I was dating both John and Terry, I was also working with my energy counselor to release all of the pain of the betrayal by my sociopathic ex. Then, I had to work with her to release the emotional pain of losing the relationship with John. By the time I met Terry, I had made a lot of progress, so I was in a much better place to build a solid relationship.

2. Sometimes we find interim relationships before we find true love.

Not every relationship is meant to be permanent. Sometimes we just travel life’s journey together for awhile, supporting each other in some way, then our journeys diverge. This was my experience with John. Although I was sad when the relationship ended, I eventually realized that it had been exactly what I needed at the time. It was perfect.

3. Real love is easy.

In a true loving relationship, there are no games, no power plays, and no exploitation. There is an honest give and take. The two people in the relationship truly care about the each other’s welfare, happiness and success. Real love is peaceful and easy.

Terry and I have been together for 12 years, and I’m still excited to see him. We still make each other laugh; we still want to snuggle. But if I hadn’t done all the internal work that I did, I’m not sure if I would have been able to experience such a wonderful love.

The relationship we experience always depends on what is going on inside of us. That’s why it’s so important to make a decision to heal, and then do what it takes to rebuild ourselves.


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dorothy2

To be very hones, while this article is very encouraging, I don’t know how to heal. I’m afraid that I can’t get past my early childhood issues that I’m sure drew me to the Spath. The resources where I live are limited in the counseling department and it seems like I’ve been in counseling of one type or another forever!! I will say that this Spath peeled away what feels like another HUGE layer of the onion and during this ” relationship ” I have become sober for what feels to me….permanently. I really can not see myself going back to drinking and all the pain, humiliation and danger it brought me. Spath showed me that I’m naked and defenseless when I drink and open the door wide for someone like him to enter my life and set up camp.
The things that I’m seeing and learning about my life circumstances and my self do feel more significant than they have in the past so maybe something is resolving without me actually being aware of it yet.
My biggest concern it that I find the RIGHT councilor, one who can work my fetal alcohol issues into the picture, and my isolation issues. How does someone meet someone when there’s not much exposure?
My attitude in the past has always been that it will just happen if the time is right and I suppose I still feel that way. No way am I going to do the on line dating thing. NO WAY!
Thanks for your articles. This website has been so helpful to me I can’t even put it into words.
D2

Stargazer

Hi Donna, I haven’t blogged on here in a long time, but I dropped in this morning and saw your article. I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your insight and the hope you give for finding a healthy and happy relationship.

Back when I was a frequent poster, I felt like I was not a “worthy” member of this club because I only dated that one sociopath for 3 months, and it took all of a year to get over it. Compared to what most people here have gone through, it seems like a pittance (sp). However, I’ve had my share of painful life experiences, especially growing up with narcissists, and have had to work through my pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men. You mentioned your “energy counselor” and this resonated so much with me. I could not have healed as much as I have without an enormous amount of energy work. I also do energy work with some of my massage clients and with myself.

A little over a week ago, my mother died. Though I made peace with her before she died, I still regret that I did not see her in the past several years just to tell her I forgave her (though I believe her spirit can hear me now). In spite of the fact that my upbringing was horrendous, and my parents never should have had children, I am still going through all the normal phases of grieving because I loved my parents very much. It’s pretty interesting to watch – first the shock, then the anger – where I’m at now. And because this is how life works, it is also spilling over into my relationships with men and the emotional unavailability of one in particular. As painful as the process is – and there’s no way to get around it – I am grateful to be working it through it consciously.

One of the greatest things to come from my mother’s death is that I have been reunited with my sister after many, many years. (I have not seen her in over 30 years and had not spoken to her in 10 years). We are both finally mature enough to have the sister relationship we never had, and nothing in my life is better than this right now. There is a chance that we will also get an inheritance. We’re waiting to find out, though it is not the be-all and the end-all for either of us. After watching our parents put their material things above their children for their entire lives, we both have our priorities straight. But if I do get an inheritance, it will allow me to move out of state (or country) and make some life changes I’ve wanted to make for a long time. This part is just an update for Skylar and the other longtime members who remember me.

For readers here who don’t understand energy work or who feel their lives are hopeless, or that they will never have enough money to afford help, I offer this: When all else has failed in my life, when I couldn’t afford a counselor, when the Suicide Prevention Hotline wouldn’t even take my call…….I had nothing left to do but pray. Prayer is free and always available. And I have found it works as well as any energy work I’ve done. I will just sit down quietly and ask for help. Sometimes I’ll just say “Hit it, God”, meaning “Go ahead, clear out all this pain.” And usually I feel the energy moving. It comes up and spreads around in my body. Sometimes I need to yell and hit or cry. But the energy does move. I have personally found prayer to be the greatest source of energy work I’ve discovered. I don’t know why it works because, frankly, I am more of a Buddhist and don’t really believe in the concept of a separate God. But for whatever reason, it does work. Whether it’s because God is really helping me or I just believe God is helping me…..it’s all the same. It works.

Thanks again, Donna, for sharing the part of your story that gives me hope.

Star

MiLo

Star ~

Please accept my sincere sympathy with the death of your mother. I am so sorry. I am glad to hear that through your pain, you and your sister have found each other again.

You are so right, prayer is the answer, an energy like no other.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((Milo)))))))

Ox Drover

Dear Star, I also extend my sincere sympathy on the death of your mother, and II am so glad you and your sister are together agaiin, I pray that continues. (((Star))))

kim frederick

Nice to see you, Star. I am sorry you have lost your Mom. I can sympathize. My Mom died in 1995, and it was a profound loss. I’m glad you have your sister. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, today.

Truthspeak

Stargazer, please accept my most sincere condolences on your mother’s passing. I’m grateful for you that you are in a space of understanding your grieving process and that you have had an opportunity to reconnect with your sister. Sometimes, even the most tragic events open doors that were previously closed.

Brightest blessings to you

Truthspeak

Donna, I want to thank you, very much, for this article.

Your milestones to recovery are brilliant, and you are 100% spot-on that these milestones and truths are a personal imperative before I can even entertain the notion of a healthy relationship with someone else.

I’m not in the market for another man, as I’ve said numerous times. I hardly even want to allow new friendships to develop – I’m still very, very raw and only in the infancy of my recovery.

Again, thank you for this very open and insightful article.

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover

I.’ve only had one VERY short “relationship” after the P X BF that I dated for 8 months after my husband died. I was not so vulnerable with that man and when I saw IRRESPONSIBILITY in his behavior, I cut him off.

A few months later he shows up at my door unannounced, and just “visiits” a little while and I notice a wedding ring on his finger, and he says “Yes, I got married about 4 months ago and it is VERY hard to adjust”—and I think WTF???? I didn’t sleep with you when you were single what makes you think I would NOW? Haven’t seen him since but was very validated in my honoring the RED FLAG of irresponsibility and not going further with the relationship than just a few dinner dates. He was a widower, a pilot, and had local ties so I really did think he might be a “keeper” but when I saw the ONE red flag, that was enough.

Oxy, I’m impressed by the red flag of irresponsibility. It did point to the tip of an iceberg didn’t it?

Maybe he thought you were one of those people like my crazy husband stealing neighbor who only sleeps with married men!!! lol!

ewwww! I get slimed everytime I think of her.

Ox Drover

Well, it was funny, he said “Yea, I got married about 4 months ago and it sure is hard to adjust” but he didn’t even tell me her NAME so he sure wasn’t interested in talking about how happy he was or how much he loved her.

Yea, people who are IRRESPONSIBLE are not good relationship candidates. This was the guy who wanted to fly my plane without any insurance and illegally and I said NO, if you crashed I’d be liable and When I no again, he said “Oh, I won’t crash it” LOL It was exactly like asking to drive MY car without a license and without insurance. NO, THAT WAS A BIG RED IRRESPONSIBLE FLAG. I’m a “ONE flag you’re history” kind of person now. LOL

((Star)),
🙁
I’m sorry your mother passed away and you have some regrets. I think that’s normal – especially in a relationship with a narcissist. We always wonder if we could’ve done something different or better.

NC is about self protection and maybe that’s what you had to do at the time.

I remember you mentioned your sister before, but I didn’t realize you had been estranged from her for so long. It sounds like you’re moving forward, letting go of the past. I’m happy for you.

Truthspeak

OxD, you had a list of “tions” that you’ve posted before. Could you post them, again, as a guideline for potential partners?

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover

Our resident male attorney had these “tions”

Transpor-TION, so they had to have a car
Habita-TION–and a place to live
Educa-TION–not be a 3rd grade drop out

And danged if I can remember the last one, but it meant JOB. Someone who remember iit help me out here? Erin Brock? Milo, Skylar?

Maybe it was “vocation”?

newlife43

I think one of Donna’s key phrases here is:

“I worked with an energy counselor”…

And I don’t care if anyone thinks I sound like a broken record. She has already stated in several other posts that she uses a form of EFT.

I want to get well. It’s as hard for me as it is for some of the others who post on here (well, for ALL of the others!) but what I see is that I am getting better and so many others are taking a lot longer to heal. And while I benefit so much from your insights, my goal is to eventually not feel that it’s necessary to come on to Love Fraud ever again. Except maybe to post MY insights so that they can help others as I have been helped. There are so many benefits to using EFT it would take a whole page. We don’t have to just wait and let “time heal all wounds”. This is a major tool to use in speeding up the process, so we don’t miss out on any more of our lives.

But like any tool, you have to learn how to use it, and then USE it consistently to get better. You can’t leave the hammer in the tool box and think that it’s going to be able to help you hang that picture on the wall. You have to take it out, and use it. Or you could use a shoe, or a brick but neither of those will be as efficient as a hammer would be to do the job.

Millions of people use EFT (and TAT). It’s free to learn, because you can find it on the internet and on YouTube. It’s easy to learn, you can learn in like three minutes. Just use it every time you feel badly.

I started seeing a man within 5 months after the spath, that I met at a fraternal organziation I joined so that I could start volunteering again. He’s a nice guy, but I knew from the start he was my “transitional” relationship. He pays for all the entertainment, because like Donna, I am quite broke right now. He is my “therapy” too, in addition to the organization we both belong to. It’s nice to actually feel wanted and appreciated for the nice things I do, unlike how I felt about myself in the spath relationship. It’s nice not to be lied to and to be introduced to his family and friends, to be included!! And to trust that I am not going to be hurt. Again.

But I think the shoe is going to be on the other foot this time and I know I truly don’t want to hurt someone else. But I also don’t want to spend one more second of my life doing something I don’t want to do…I don’t want a brother/sister relationship. Every relationship needs that little “something-something” if you know what I mean. So I need some advice in how to handle letting him down, but being able to still be around him at this organization, because I am not giving that up for anybody! That’s really helped me also. I feel useful and worthy again, two feelings I haven’t felt for quite a long time.

So, yeah, I am a broken-record about EFT and TAT (Tapas Accupressure Technique). If something works, it doesn’t cost us any money and is easy and free to learn, quite possibly it may help. Why wouldn’t people use it, since it works even if you don’t believe that it will!!

Best wishes to everyone in their recovery. From the bottom of my heart.

dorothy2

Ill bet it was occupation?? Probably not constipation…..

dorothy2

New life…..just be right up front and give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s man enough to not only handle the truth but appreciate you for being woman enough to be truthful!

dorothy2

A male long term friend of mine is single and likes it that way but he tells women right up front that he does NOT want anything resembling a relationship. He’s been seeing this one girl for three years and she is crazy about him but also knows that it’s not going anywhere because of how he is. He takes her out, he pays, etc but that’s that.
You sound like a reasonable person and as long as he is a reasonable man, he should understand.
Good luck to you with it!

dorothy2

New life, I’ve read a little bit about EFT and actually went to the website a while back. I think I was too traumatized at the time, too overloaded to take it in. Where did you learn it? Can you provide a link?

dorothy2

Here’s what Spath x had….
Transportation….dead fathers car
Habitation…….mothers basement
Education…..high school and of course Spath School
Occupation…….ok, I’m going to give him a silver star on this one, he has a job!!! He’s actually a pretty good worker….BUT, ( you knew there would be a but, right?). He’s also in bankruptcy and somehow, with a full time job, has no money in the bank but doesn’t pay his mother one dime to live there…..where’s it go? Puzzling.

newlife43

Dorothy:

I posted an article on Love Fraud a while back about EFT…I put that link on here since it contains links to some of the EFT and TAT websites…there are hundreds and also videos on YouTube that you can tap along with. That’s almost as good as having a counselor tap with you.

All you have to do is Google EFT or TAT. Or go on Youtube. Here is the link to my article:

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2013/01/16/letters-to-lovefraud-solutions-to-our-pain/

Best wishes in your recovery.

Laura19

Donna,

Thank you very much for posting this. It really gives me so much hope!

Laura

dorothy2

New life, thank you so much!
🙂

strongawoman

Dear Star, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. Bitter sweet is difficult. I hope you find solace in your new found relationship with your sister. How wonderful. Hugs sweetie

callmeathena

Star

Hugs, honey. I am sorry for the loss of your mom and all that it entails.
With every loss there is an opportunity and sure seems to me you are finding it.

Xoxo

Athena

JohnZ

Donna,

Thanks for the kind words… For me ours fell into the category of the rebound relationship. I came into the relationship on the tail of my own longtime relationship. You did help my heart heal. I agree with what you said that we weren’t the ‘right one’ for each other but were there to help each other through difficult times. We served each other well in our times of need. Like you I’m now married and have been with her for 12 years.

Take Care,
John

🙂

kim frederick

Oxy, that last “tion” on Matts list is occupation….but vocation works, as does profession, if you finesse the s.

kim frederick

Wow. John and Donna. Just wow.
I’m so gald you’ve both found the right one and are happy…but I’m so moved by this little blast from the past.
Life is certainly full of surprises, isn’t it?

John,
I too am moved by your post. That is so sweet.
Thank you for being there for Donna when she was hurting. You helped each other and now she’s passing that love and help forward, helping so many others.

I also had someone help me when I was lost. We didn’t have a relationship, though. He was a stranger in a sushi bar and I just poured out my heart to him. He explained to me what a malignant narcissist was and how to be boring to get rid of the psychopath — it literally saved my life. That was the birth of “gray rock”.

It’s amazing how ripples of kindness can spread so much further than we ever intended.

bluemosaic

Thx Donna,

This is so simple …steps 1,2,3 . I am giving myself time to heal. For first time in my life, I do not feel a drive to be involved with a man. I think it is necessary for me because I am too sad and wounded to be in love or like with anyone. I will keep my mind open for the “bridge people” God may send and not shut out what may be tiny blessings of those who may be a part of my journey for a short while. My Mother said that real love comes easy and does not hurt. She said this to me during the whole year she saw me struggle with the spath I was in love with. This is so true….I loved him, it hurt, so it was not the true love I thought it was.. Just a lesson.
Thank you for the hope that there will be light at the end of this tunnel.

Blue

mich0101

Blue, I also feel, for the first time in my life, that I do not want to be invovled with a man. I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in 2 years. I told her my story, without my self-diagnosis, and she indicated that he is a narcissist with many sociopathic traits. So, I got my confirmation, not that I needed it, but I am still feeling lost and not sure how to get over this. I know it will take more then one session with her but it’s a start.

bluejay

newlife43,

I have read your article and posts regarding EFT and TAT (you are being heard). I’ve already started using the tapping technique, when I’m at work, praying, etc. It seems to be working for me. My plan is to look more in depth into the recovery tools that you’ve mentioned, putting them all into practice. Thanks.

Truthspeak

Bluejay, good to “see” you, and whatever works to center and balance is the tool to pick! I’ve read a whole lot about tapping, and I just don’t “get it,” yet. I sort of understand the concept, but I need someone to show me how it’s done – I’m one of those people that cannot get the gist unless I do the hands-on approach. UGH….

Brightest blessings

dorothy2

Blue,
I too had someone in my corner who told me that love shouldn’t hurt you this way. It should build you up, not tear you up. It should flow like a river. Sometime the river hits some shallow rocky patched and gets turbulent but then it smooths out again. Spath was like going over Niagra Falls in a barrel.
I was in love and in a way…this was my first love, but it’s clear to me now that I was either in love with his mask or some part of him that is so deeply buried it can no longer be found, at least not on a consistent enough basis to meet my needs in a relationship and or destroy me.
He always said that he wanted to make me happy, he wanted to be the man I wanted him to be and that he loved me. His actions did not reflect that. Some of his actions pointed toward that but for every step forwards there were at least two steps backwards. And he was verbally abusive when he was confronted and I’m certain he was not being honest about several things, money being at the top of the list. And he’s been married four times, lives with his mother, is in bankruptcy and is an un recovering alcoholic. Doomed.

To Be Free

Speaking of relationships after the one with the spath, I have an interesting situation.

I broke up with the BF in Dec. Went out with a mutual friend a few times and he said that he dated other people. I said that was fine because I didn’t want a serious relationship. We were on the same page. Everytime we went out we were in a group of people. We were out dancing and having a good time with friends and he started drinking shots. A song came on that I liked and I touched his elbow. That was it. And he snapped at me saying, “Don’t ever touch my arm again. Can’t you see I busy” He was talking to someone. I just walk away and started thinking about getting someone to take me to my car. I came and got me and lead me to the dance floor and aked me what was wrong. I said because you were so mean and I was ready to leave. He paid the bar tab and we went to where my car was. He told me he wanted me to leave because I didn’t pay the bar tab for his birthday. I said goodbye and left.
I won’t talk to him and he keeps on calling me, like yesterday 28 times. And this morning, at least 8 times already. I sent him a text saying not to call.
This has been amazing to see!

Truthspeak

ToBeFree, good to “see” you and I’m sorry for the experiences with the ex-bf. GOOD FOR YOU for maintaining “No Contact.” If you can, block his number – that’ll get the message across!

Brightest blessings and good riddance to bad rubbish!

Louise

To Be Free:

That “friend” sounds like a psycho. He has a hair trigger temper. Glad you are not taking his calls…

LadyinRed

Sorry to say honey he sounds like another one. Peronally I have found so much of humanity to be of this mind, selfish, self involved. As long as it suits their wants, life is grand. My physco told me once: When you start to make life about you, improve it will. I have taken that advice, applied it to my life. No longer will I be taken by man or woman. In this time I have come to see that even those that proclaim to be friends are only interested in their wants. Mistaking my kindness for weakness they continue to do. Finding someone of a like mind has been impossible. From my experiences most are looking for what they can benifit from you whether it be your time, money, possesions. My best friend secured me an apartment just before my great escape, across the hall she did live. It took me five months to realize what was going on before my eyes. Busy with the police and courts I was. She was shopping out of my house daily when I was at work, another spath she is, she told me so. I moved. Trust I have lost. Many traumas I have endured, I am amazed at how much trauma a soul can take and still be ok. I don’t cry anymore, they are not worth the tears. Cause hurt to myself, putting up with others issues I will no longer do. Desensitized I have finally been. Take pride, confidence in your strengths, good people you are. Destruction of your soul they live for. A chat with my parole officer is the start to this day. We talk of my physco, interesting it is, thoughts on humanity as well. Seems I am the most normal person he sees in his day. What a world we live in.

Donna: Thank you so much for my story’s title, pegged it you did. Most of what I have seen in this humanity resides here. Devistation of the spirit by those that have had their spirit devistated. Generations of sociopaths, physcopaths, this population grows. Ongoing victimization, no silver lining do I see.

To Be Free

Truthspeaks: HAHA you are right. Good riddance.

Louise: That’s what I thought! I think he just wants to get the last “say” in!

But I am so greatful for what I have learned here and from the books I have read. It has helped me to be stronger as a person.

I am still saddened by the exspath relationship (2 1/2) years because I did love him. And you all know exactly what I mean. I’m getting better but I’m like some of you, I don’t want a relationship now. I have to continue healing and I know that is going to take time. I’m just so thankful I didn’t marry him.

Also, on a personal note… a business I have been involved in for 2 years just got a major breakthough. A large contract with a government agency. I am a partner in this business. I had to smile when I thought about how the exspath would have loved to have gotten his hands on the money that will come from this!! Even though he had a great job and money wasn’t a problem…. He was always asking me when I was going to plan a trip (and pay for it) and plan a cruise (and pay for it). He also told me one time that since I had this job that he could quit his and just keep the house up, etc. and he would take care of me. HA! What a joke.
So, I have a lot to smile about!

Ox Drover

To be Free,

THAT’s A BIG RED FLAG! And that’s the things we must HONOR. Any time anyone behaves that way, and SHOWS YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!

Good for you for maintaining NC, and yea, block his number if you can. If he shows up on your door step (and I have a feeling he will) call the cops! Don’t TELL him you are calling them just CALL THEM and let it be a surprise to him. Tell them after his DRUNKEN and AGGRESSIVE behavior the other night you are afraid of him.

Then it is on record and if he tries to show up on your door again, get a restraining order. This guy is NO GOOD…he sure found an excuse for what he did “because you didn’t pay the bar tab on hiis birthday!!! That’s a great one! You OWED HIM and you didn’t pay up….so he got a free pass to scream at you. LOL

To Be Free

LadyinRed: You are right about how so many people think life is only about them.

I am a very giving people. I find true joy in giving to others. The problem was that the exspath took advantage of this. I started finding my heart getting harder toward people. I had to remember that there is still good in this world but just to be wiser!

I’m sorry for you having to deal with your “so-called” friend at a time when you needed a TRUE friend!

To Be Free

Ox Drover: Thanks for the advice. I sure hope I want need it! Yeah, the birthday thing is pretty funny!

Stargazer

Thanks so much to everyone for their condolences. I have learned so much from my mother, from her life, from her strengths, and especially from her weaknesses. I believe that we can choose to live in whatever way we decide and don’t have to be programmed by our past and our parenting.

My mother had such intense abandonment issues that she couldn’t be alone. She chose to stay with abusive men rather than be alone. She was so empty inside and so unresolved from her own mother’s abandonment that she filled her life up with material things, often to the exclusion of things my sister and I needed. And my mother was completely unconscious of this entire process, though I think in her last lonely years, she recognized the cause of her loneliness. Her attitude was that her children will eventually move out and leave her but her husband(s) wouldn’t, so she better put them above her children. I say all of this with no anger or malice left. I forgave her many years ago. I think living the second half of her life without her children was more punishment than anything she could have suffered. I feel so much compassion for her suffering, the incomplete and unhappy life she lived, and for her unconscious, unresolved issues. And I’m happy to say the buck stops here. My sister and I never had any children. We both opted to work on our issues rather than to pass them down to future generations.

The last words I said to my mom about 3 years ago were “I love you.” And I meant it. I’d just sent her roses for mother’s day. But I chose not to be around her for the last 8 years of her life. My only regret in not seeing her one last time is to tell her in person that I’d forgiven her. I also wanted her to see me as a size 5. She always told me that when I turned 50, I’d get fat and my looks would decline. I wanted to show her that it is not true. I wanted her to see what a 52-y.o. *could* look like if they loved themselves and took care of themselves. Those are my only regrets and they are not huge ones. I think when a parent dies, there are always some regrets, things unsaid, even things that will come up in the future that you won’t be able to share. Feels like a normal part of grieving. I didn’t want to see her because I knew she didn’t really love herself and was not capable of loving me that much. I had always been more like her mother, and would have continued to be. I didn’t want to have that role in her life anymore.

I have learned from my mother’s mistakes that relationships are more important than material things. I’ve learned through all the suffering of my childhood to be deeply compassionate toward others. And I also got my love of travel and clothing from my mother. I appreciate everything she did for me – good and bad, because I learned from all of it, and it made me the person I am today. One of the greatest things my mother taught me was work ethic. No matter how she felt, my mother got up, put on her make-up and went to work. I have inherited her work ethic, and because of this, my clients, supervisors, and co-workers trust me. I believe 99% of life is just showing up. My mother taught me that when you have to be somewhere, you show up. It’s the least you can do.

I wrote my mom a letter last night wishing her peace at last. I also told her that if she ever comes back (I am a Buddhist and am open to the concept of reincarnation), that it is okay to be alone. We come into this world alone and we die alone, and being alone is nothing to fear.

I went to work today for a few hours and found a card signed by a lot of people and a collection of money to pay for my drive down to AZ. I am so lucky to work with these people.

Thanks again to all of you for your sincere, kind words in this difficult time.

LoveSucks

I am trying to get my sp OUT OF MY LIFE. He has been abusive especially emotionally. I recently reached out to an old boyfriend of mine. We kind of drifted apart. I think part of it was economics on his part. We talked for a long time and he has been a great support. It felt good to talk to someone that knew me before the SP. I asked him if I was scaring him away, he says no. I try to be sensitive. We talk about a lot of things that remind me of a life I once have and want again. It feels good and it has given me the added stregnth to completely remove my SP. My situation is delegate. I have to handle things very carefully. its hard though. I dont wnat to make anymore mistakes. I know my SP was a preditor but I want to be whole and not pass any pain onto my friend.

Ox Drover

Here’s a GREAT STORY about love after a psychopath

The 911 call that led to a fairytale romance: Extraordinary story of woman stabbed 32 times by her ex-boyfriend who fell in love with the first responder who saved her life

* Melissa Dohme was allegedly stabbed more than 30 times in her face and neck in January by her ex-boyfriend
* Dohme stands just over 5ft; her ex-boyfriend is 6ft4in and 245 lbs
* Flat lined four times and had 12 pints of blood transfused
* Said meeting her paramedic boyfriend was her fairytale

By Rachel Quigley

PUBLISHED: 09:52 EST, 5 March 2013 | UPDATED: 15:12 EST, 5 March 2013

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As she lay drenched in blood and dying on the sidewalk after being stabbed 32 times by her boyfriend, little did she know it was to be the beginning of her fairytale.

Melissa Dohme, from Clearwater, Florida, was just 20-years-old when Robert Lee Burton Jr slashed her hands, arms, face and head outside her home, the attack only stopped by a passing couple.

Clearwater firefighter-paramedic Cameron Hill, 38, responded to the 911 call, which he said was the goriest of his 17-year career.

Here’s the link http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2288476/Melissa-Dohme-Incredible-love-story-woman-stabbed-32-times-ex-boyfriend-911-responder-saved-life.html

Ox Drover

Star, it sounds so peaceful…your relationship with your mother, peace and acceptance of what she was, not anger about what she was NOT. I’m so glad you have that peace. I’m workiing on it with my egg donor, but you sound like you have it together and I am so glad you do. Peace.

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