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Relationships after the sociopath

I received the following email from the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Zimzoomit:”

I saw the Lifetime Network show about you and lovefraud.com. What I would like to know is how the man who came next (your true lover, after the fraud) helped you to overcome the emotional havoc your ex who frauded you caused? Is there a specific blog or link on lovefraud.com to tell us how he helped you?

Were you able to talk about things that bothered you about your ex, even ever so occasionally, when/if the haunted thoughts encroached on you ”¦ even if only occasionally but for years after the fact, and if so, what things did your new love say, to help you overcome those thoughts? Was he willing to listen, or did he occasionally treat you like a “broken record”?

Yes, after the sociopath, I now have a wonderful husband, Terry Kelly. We truly love each other, care about each other, and want each other to be happy. I should point out, however, that Terry wasn’t my first relationship after the con artist.

First post-sociopath relationship

Seven months after I left my sociopathic husband, James Montgomery, I started dating a man named John. John was younger than me, fun and entertaining. We actually met online and corresponded for more than two months before meeting in person.

At the time, I was in the midst of finding out what my ex was really all about, communicating with some of his other victims, and filing for divorce. I described some of what was going on in my emails. The story, of course, was outrageous, and I guess that John was actually intrigued.

John lived an hour and 45 minutes away from me, so we saw each other only on weekends. We did normal dating things going out to dinner, to concerts, to parties with his friends or my friends. That’s one of the biggest things John offered me—a sense of normalcy, like a safe harbor amid the insanity of my divorce. He also paid for all our entertainment, which I appreciated, because I was broke.

I did talk to him about my outrage at my ex and my frustration with the legal case. John stayed with me until the divorce was finalized, and for a few months after that. Eventually, however, the relationship ended, and he did make a comment to the effect of, “all you talk about is James.” He may have also begun to feel that my problems were just too big, and he couldn’t solve them.

Still, we had loved each other, and because I loved him, the end of the relationship was emotionally more painful than the end of my marriage. In retrospect, however, John and I were really quite different, not an ideal match. I believe that John was in my life to support me at a very difficult time and that was it. I have fond memories of him, but our relationship was not meant to be forever.

Second post-sociopath relationship

Ten months after I broke up with John, I met Terry at a nightclub. A week or so later he took me out to dinner, and we talked about our circumstances. He had been in a long-term marriage, and his wife had just asked for a divorce. I figured I might as well be honest, and told him that I was married to a con man who took a quarter million dollars from me, cheated with multiple women, etc., etc.

I didn’t know how Terry was going to react. In fact, a month passed before he called for another date—I thought I had scared him away. But when he arrived for our second date, he brought his most recent tax return to show me. He thought what I had been through was terrible, and wanted to show me that he did make his own money.

Terry and I dated for four years before we married. With him, I truly learned to give and receive love, and live in partnership. We care about and support each other. He’s my biggest cheerleader with Lovefraud. In fact, I couldn’t have created it without his support.

If you’d like to read more about how these men helped me, it’s all in the printed edition of my first book, Love Fraud. (The e-book has been abridged, and does not contain the description of my relationship with John.) The story really is romantic

Love Fraud how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan.

Primer for post-sociopath relationships

Here are what I think are the take-home lessons:

1. In order to have a happy, loving relationship with someone else, we must first heal ourselves.

No one can overcome the emotional havoc for us we must do it ourselves. While I was dating both John and Terry, I was also working with my energy counselor to release all of the pain of the betrayal by my sociopathic ex. Then, I had to work with her to release the emotional pain of losing the relationship with John. By the time I met Terry, I had made a lot of progress, so I was in a much better place to build a solid relationship.

2. Sometimes we find interim relationships before we find true love.

Not every relationship is meant to be permanent. Sometimes we just travel life’s journey together for awhile, supporting each other in some way, then our journeys diverge. This was my experience with John. Although I was sad when the relationship ended, I eventually realized that it had been exactly what I needed at the time. It was perfect.

3. Real love is easy.

In a true loving relationship, there are no games, no power plays, and no exploitation. There is an honest give and take. The two people in the relationship truly care about the each other’s welfare, happiness and success. Real love is peaceful and easy.

Terry and I have been together for 12 years, and I’m still excited to see him. We still make each other laugh; we still want to snuggle. But if I hadn’t done all the internal work that I did, I’m not sure if I would have been able to experience such a wonderful love.

The relationship we experience always depends on what is going on inside of us. That’s why it’s so important to make a decision to heal, and then do what it takes to rebuild ourselves.


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119 Comments on "Relationships after the sociopath"

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The administrator of the web blog said that if you had been victimized by a psychopath that reading could cause you to have distress (not the exact term they used but boy did it ever) It seemed very legit and it further went on to say that there was to be no bashing-that all opinions were valid ect…
I think it was the real deal.

Edit: this is where I thought I was reading about Hare’s assessment- A warning to those of us who are sensitive-

PCL-R (for fun) : Antisocial Personality Disorder Forum – Psych forums

http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/topic50384.html

I think jov77’s country is possibly in the Caribbean.

Truthspeak:

Thanks for your advice and caution about what was written. I am trying to find the article to have it edited or removed but it cannot be found. If it has been removed by the administrator then that is fine.

For all who have read the article and it was triggering or unpleasant I sincerely apologize for my insensitivity and indescretion. Apparently I got carried away. I am very sorry.

Truthspeak as soon as I find it I will edit or have it removed. I appreciate your advice and caution.

Thank you.

I think it has been removed jov77

I got a message from the Administrator indicating the uneasiness of the post by readers. This resulted in its removal. I appreciated its removal because causing pain for others was never my intention. Maybe my own pain/hurt got in the way. I have learnt that not because it is a support site discretion should be exercised for the sake of others.

Truthspeak I know you feeling strongly that something should be done. I hear you loud and clear. I also agree. I have begun to give it consideration. The pastor I will make contact with. As some might have already sensed this is not easy on numerous levels. It is a delicate situation. But I do feel disturbed by the spath toying with the minds of church sisters as a leader. Coming here has helped to give me the motivation to want to do something about it. But I have to consider my safety too.

A poster was wondering if I am the victimizer. If I wanted to have a laugh at the victimized. (No offence taken.) In fact, I am a victim of the spath myself. He conned me and got money. I had done much for him back then in the name of friendship and what I got was ingratitude, hurt and unappreciative attitudes.

The question was asked: “Why did you listened to the act?” In both cases I was minding my own business when the spath came to where I was and began playing the clips for his entertainment. I was (not) told beforehand what the clips were about. At first I thought it was an internet download of sort until I heard his voice. The clips were short in length one about 2 mins and the other a bit longer. He knew I would have started a line of questioning about the act and that he took delight in ”“ my upset. I was shocked about this too regardless of the fact that the activity was consented to for mutual satisfaction. (Let me outline that I don’t know why he played them for me to hear. I had asked a number of times for explanation and all he did was smile and said nothing.) The one with the baby mother I told him it was domestic rape. She was living with him at the time. I spent a lot of time trying to get him to understand the wrong but he gave me all sorts of counter arguments until I became worn. The second clip I very strongly called him out on as well. He fiercely denied that it was NOT him and claimed a friend had sent the clip to him. When I asked to let me hear it again for confirmation sake (it was slightly muffled” and I did not want to accused him wrongly) he said that it was deleted. I knew it was him so I held my ground about the devious act. He began to let it appear as if my mind was fooling me. He became angry at me and started to call me judgemental and I should change my judging ways. I called him a pathological liar and never spoke to him for many weeks. Because of work he wormed himself back.

Because of how disturbing the post was considered to be I think it might be better if there were no further comments to it. I just wanted to respond to some questions that were asked of me by members here. I hope too that your questions were answered. Again I appreciated all of the concerns, caution, advice and support. Thanks much. Peace

Jov77, my outrage wasn’t because your post was referenced to sexual assault, at all. My concern was that the DETAILS were an unnecessary trigger – male AND female survivors in recovery from sociopathic entanglements have TYPICALLY experienced sexual abuse. My own experiences have involved gang-rape, spousal rape, and other sexual misconducts.

So, I would encourage you to continue posting of your experiences with this extremely dangerous and disordered individual so that you can learn management techniques and come to a point where you feel empowered enough to report his crimes to the authorities AND the institution that he is using as a trolling ground for impressionable and vulnerable victims.

If this predator is a coworker, you are not obligated to interact with him, on any level, except professional. That means keeping topics specifically on work-related issues and cutting him off at the knees when he launches into ANY inappropriate direction by simply walking back to your office or work station without a word. This also means giving this vile Thing NO ATTENTION, either good, bad, or in between. Expressing ANY outrage, yourself, at his actions, claims, plans, etc., only FEED his ego – he realizes that he has control over you and your emotions.

And, if you’ve loaned this man money, it depends on the amount of money that he took from you as to whether or not you might want to consider collecting his debt. In my situation, the exspath forged my signature (and, wrote his OWN) on drafts from my individual/private account that exceeded $75,000.00 USD, and he took much, much, MUCH more through cash withdrawals and coercion – it all totaled about 300K. And, I will NEVER see a penny of it restored.

Back to your main issue: this man is a dangerous predator to women, men, and anything else that gets in his way. Whenever we “think about” doing something to righteously report a dangerous individual, we are riding the proverbial fence – to DO something requires risk, and risk can be rather scary. But, this man has admitted to having sexually assaulted dozens of women, he’s virtually stolen money from you (and, God knows how many others), and he’s using a religious institution and its members as a means to an end – to get what he wants.

If it were me, I’d be calling to meet with the elders of the institution and, without ANY emotion, describe what has transpired. I would also be speaking to my supervisors, at work – I have no doubt that this predator is using his position of employment as a means to and end, as well.

Brightest blessings

EDIT ADD: Jov77, when I type about interacting without allowing any emotional involvement, I am not suggesting that you become like the predator. What I am suggesting is that you teach yourself HOW to separate your emotions and feelings from the facts of the matter. It’s no easy task, but it’s a priceless technique in dealing with these types of predators. They EAT UP emotional responses like no tomorrow, and this Thing was having the time of his life when you were trying to explain to him how his actions were inappropriate. He doesn’t CARE, but he sure enjoys watching people become undone and giving him attention, even if it’s negative.

Truthy,…..I wish I would have known that I was feeding Spath x Spath treats when I displayed emotion. Not that I couldn’t have…..I’m an emotional open book, BUT….there were times that if I would have known that it was to his delight to see me in tears, anger, humiliation, pain….I might have been able to nip it in the bud. “Go now…..you have no powers here”!
I kept that Spath well fed…..no doubt about it. I have turned it on him now…..rescinding all declarations of caring about him and dropping EVERYTHING that had ANY connection with that pathetic looser off in his mothers yard. What a pitiful waste of space he is.

Dorothy2, I asked my counselor this direct and pointed question because other “friends” had asked it of me with regard to the exspath, “HOW could I NOT have KNOWN?!”

Her response was, “You didn’t know what you didn’t know.” This translates into: how is ANYONE prepared to identify predatory human beings?

Yeah…..as Glinda spoke to the Wicked Witch, “You have no powers, here! Begone, before someone drops a house on YOU!”

Brightest blessings

Truthy!! That’s the whole line!! “Dorothy” should know that line forwards and backwards!! LOL! Good job on that Truthy!!

Yes…..I knew but I didn’t KNOW ! Just like I didn’t know that the display of emotions are Spath cookies. I knew red flags were bad but I had never experienced what red flags mean when it comes to a Spath. A flesh wound in a normal dysfunctional relationship is a blood spurting laceration requiring hundreds of stitches with a Spath.

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