Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
Amen, Lilygirl! That’s EXACTLY the way we should feel and you’re so correct–we’ll be one of the FIRST to know! Except I want a Mocha!
okay tami – mocha it is – we’ll spring for chocolate chip
muffins too…
…since we’ll have spent the morning at the gym doing
kickboxing classes and we are all buff and ripped and
absolutely MARVELOUS!
Lilly Girl Are you sure he is dancing in the moonlight? I had this image of my X living this wonderful new life, but after seeing him today, he is still the miserable unhappy angry person he has always been, he said he miss’s me and thinks of me all the time!~ I said well you need to stop doing that!!! I like to think I was the best victim he ever had or will ever have, he is low class scum, I can do better…….!!!!
Yep, I am 100 percent sure he’s dancing in the moonlight. probably howling too.
Your guy is too, except he is manipulating your goodness, loyalty, love and caring to draw you back into his web.
If my creep thought it would get him laid tonight, he’d pull the ‘I never loved anyone like I love you” routine too.
I’m not sure he won’t show up tonight and try it. His thought of being arrested might put a damper on his mood though…
You were the one who told me about the push/pull borderline stuff – now go look in the mirror and tell yourself!
Mine used that same manipulation of my caring too. It was actually one of the ways he kept me hooked.
It is almost impossible to resist someone who crawls to you on their knees begging you to forgive them, to love them, and to tell you how they are suffering without you.
How do you resist someone who ‘loves’ you that much? I couldn’t for a very long time.
I never, in my life had anyone literally crawl to me, crying, begging to be with me again.
That was an addicting feeling, to be wanted THAT MUCH that a man would degrade himself like that for me.
(He was crawling on his knees to lift me up to the pedestal where he could knock me off again.)
It is the stuff they put in movies. DRAMA. Like OxD said. DRAMA.
Opening the door just fed it, and someday soon I hope you realize that. But I know how it feels to want to be with someone and see them begging you back.
Quitting heroin is harder.
But if you don’t quit, you will lose your life.
I almost did. I wouldn’t be here today to share popcorn with my little boy at the movies (saw WALL-E very cute).
We wouldn’t have sat on the porch tonight during a thunderstorm, cuddling under a blanket. I would not be here. It could have happened in a split second.
All because I kept opening the door when he said he missed me.
There is no choice. You can’t do heroin and keep your life. It’s one or the other.
COLD TURKEY Henry.
well said thanks cold turkey it is…………
Lilygirl,
I have to tell you–I am amazed and so proud at how you have done a 180 degree FLIP in only a few days from “he will suck me back in I know it” to NEVER AGAIN! WOWWWW!!!
Henry, you too–I am so pleased for you both. I know the road will not always be smooth (hey, I just hit a pot hole this past week and skinned my knee) but you are ON YOUR WAY!
Recognizing that WE have allowed this, that we have gone back into our “addictions” just as a heroin addict does. It is “easy” for us to walk by an addict on the street and look down our noses at him, but I realize that I have been just as “addicted” as the man lying on the street stinking and passed out. I am not one whit better than that man is—the only difference is that I am now FOR TODAY, “clean and sober” and day by day, one after the other, I will not go back to the “addiction” no matter how I feel the pull or the urge or the need. I can’t–like Lily says, it is live or die–my choice.
I won’t give away my power to anyone else. Even those people that I love must treat me with love, respect and kindness—if not, why do I need those people in my life? I will not accept excuses from my self for my own bad behavior and I will not except anyone else’s excuses for their bad behavior.
You guys are amazing! Onward and upward!
I am hoping to stay this strong, even when he is knocking on my door, in tears and on his knees. That will be the true test. Keep your fingers crossed for me, and thanks so much for the cheers OxD.
I think reading that book this week gave me permission to let go, and that was the last thing I needed to do.
To completely and totally let go – gradually this week, I was able to NOT wish that lightning would strike him every time it rained, or that he was in a car accident every time I heard an ambulance.
What a bitter existence I was living! I hated myself and what I had become.
I got some humility this week – some HEALTHY humility. See if this explains it –
“Humility is the realization that not everything that happens in life is all about you.
Things may work out well, but you may not have been the primary reason for their success.
Things may fail, but the failure may not have been your fault.
If it rains on the day of your daughter’s wedding or on every day of your beach vacation, that is just weather, and farmers and gardeners may in fact be grateful for it.
It was not some cosmic conspiracy to deprive you of your happiness.
Humility means recognizing that you are not God and itis not your job or responsibility to run the world. Some people are disappointed to learn that.
But most mentally healthy people are immensely relieved.”
I guess you can say I am relieved of the burden of carrying around the thought that God rewards us or punishes us – because I have been living with a profound number of ‘punishments.’
I always thought it was my fault.
Turns out it isn’t and while I will continue to wear my seatbelt, watch my diet and be alert for red flags – I can let go of having to prove myself worthy of a good life.
I always thought I didn’t measure up to others who did. I thought that’s why I suffered all of these traumas.
Now I can let go of feeling responsible for bringing this on myself with my “badness” and I feel that relief.
Maybe I can enjoy life now, instead of being so afraid of it.
Lilygirl,
What a beautiful explanation of “letting go and letting God”
and learning to love yourself.
What a friend we have in Jesus, and one of my favorite hymns that your post reminded me of and oh so true.
Thank you for your post.
Benz
Dear Lilygirl,
I too have felt “responsible” for seeing that the world ran well, and after turning it back to God I no longer feel I have to keep working hard in order for the world to rotate any more. God does a great job of running the world, it is people who mess it up!
My spiritual belief is a bit different from yours, but I do believe that God answers prayers here on this earth. Not parting the Red Sea type of answers, but answers none the less. I don’t believe however, that if I had been in New Orleans or Iowa that MY bad behavior caused the floods! Bad things DO happen to good people and vice versa, otherwise the meanest, but richest, guy in the world would be the most “godly.”
I don’t take lightening strikes personally, though. LOL
I don’t know where I heard it but I thought this was a nice one liner–
“Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He calms the child.”
I don’t propose to know how the Universe works or how God works, I just have FAITH that God loves me and that his promise of “All things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.”
I know that some things that WE at the moment think are bad, turn out later, in retrospect, to have been a great blessing! Coincidence? Maybe. God’s providence–DEFINITELY. The morning my husband was killed, I broke my finger or I would have been gone and not there to have the opportunity to say goodbye. Two weeks prior I was very disappointed when my best friend couldn’t come for a planned visit andit was delayed two weeks–in the new schedule she arrived on MOnday before my husband died on WEdnesday. My step father who had terminal cancer at that time andhad been terribly ill, had a “rally” about a week before my husband died, and I was able to leave his bedside and go home for a little while before my husband died. My step dad had about a four month rally there and didn’t require 24 hour care after my husband’s death–
I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea—I view those things as God’s providence. Not Part-the-Red-Sea “Miracles,” but miracles none the less to me.
In retrospect—all of the pain, trauma, grief, tears, etc etc of the psychopathic “stuff” that has happened to me over the past few years especially, I can see now has BENEFITTED ME by getting the Ps OUT OF MY LIFE. Unmasking and exposing and getting my DIL out of my son’s life. While my son now sees that his “marriage” to her was simply her way of cashing a meal ticket, at the same time, her son who had muscular dystrophy and died last year from it, had 8 years of someone who really cared for him, took time for him, and my son doesn’t regret the marriage, if for no other reason that that young man and he became very close. The young man also had a chance to learn about God from my son, and to have a relationship with God he would not have had if his mother had not married my son.
So—there are so many things that if you look back can be a “benefit” from even the most horrible of situations. I read a book by a man named Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote “Man’s search for meaning” AFTER 4-5 years in a Nazi concentration camp. His gentle compassion, for his fellow inmates, and even for his captors and his FINDING of meaning in that horrible eperience made me feel so humble.
With the many many MANY blessings I have compared to so many people in this world, I almost feel ashamed to “whine” and complain “Wah, my mommie doesn’t love me”–hey, I am 61 years old, get over it! Yet, as Dr. Frankl says that “pain is like a gas, large or small, it totally FILLS whatever container it is put in.” (paraphrased) and he is right. My “pain” may not have been as “big” as his, but it was TOTALLY FILLING ME, just as his did him.
I must if I want to grow, to be the kind of person I want to be, not allow that pain to turn me into a bitter hateful selfish egocentric person. I must LEARN and FIND MEANING IN LIFE.
The meaning I have found is that my mother’s “version” of “religion” is hollow and that my spirituality and my closeness to God has GROWN and EXPANDED, and I am seeing NEW MEANING in my life. I have a new relationship with ME. With GOD. With my two sons, with my neighbors, with my friends. I see things in a different light (well, most of the time) and of course I have set backs, don’t we all. Liane Leedom had a big set back this week with the loss of her father, and the loss of her expectation that she would move back closer to them when her life was “calmed down” from all the trauma of her own personal psychopath—her plan never happened. We will always find that our fondest dreams and plans may not come true.
My mother’s fondest wish was that my P-son would get out of prison and come to live with her before he died. Her “life was ruined” because that didn’t happen, but MY LIFE WAS SAVED because that didn’t happen, as I have NO DOUBT THAT HE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME. (he almost succeeded in killing me and him still IN prison).
So, sometimes, for Me to lose my fondest wish, may actually work where it makes something else happen that is beneficial for us both, or for someone else. I didn’t want my husband to die in the plane crash, of course, but he was 72 yrs old, what if he had had a stroke the next week, and sat for 10 years unhappy and a burden to himself and others? He would have been THE most miserable of men if he couldnt’ have flown and been independent. As it was, he died doing what he LOVED. And, also, because it was so deep, there was no pain in his burns, it was all over literally in a flash, yet he remained conscious and alert for 8 hours and we got to say our goodbyes. I got his kids on the phone to say their goodbyes to him, his friends and loved ones came and my son C (who wasn’t in the plane). I really and truly, as horrific as it was, believe it could have been worse.
It took me a long time to “get the lesson” about the psychopaths, but I think I finally got it. I know I may have a few “pot holes” on my road oflife now, but they won’t be the PITS like I have had before because I HAVE MEANING in my life now, more than ever, and it isn’t just focused on being a martyr for others, or being a willing victim for their abuse.
I realize now that I AN NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WORLD RUNNING RIGHT for everyone in my circle. God is. I am turning it back over to Him, and doing my best to accept that WHATEVER HAPPENS, however bad it looks at the time, has some MEANING AND PURPOSE for someone, and can be a blessing in disguise.
Most of the pot holes and pits I have created for MYSELF by my own attitude in not trusting God to run the universe for HIS proposes instead of mine. And I an NOT the center of the universe. LOL
Letting go of the LIE that we are some how responsible for all the bad things that happen to the Ps and to ourselves as well is the first giant step, and I am so happy for you that you have made that step, that you have taken back YOUR POWER to be you! To love yourself! To know that you are WORTHY of that love, care and concern. ((((hugs))))) and prayers! My prayers to God to “comfort my friend Lilygirl” have been answered wonderfully!
Hey OxD,
Your prayers were heard, I am so comforted and feel so relieved…now, could you just ask God to provide me with a winning lottery ticket? ;o)
What you said is what I was saying, that God takes care of us, he brings comfort into our lives and shows us – just when we need it most – that many people care about us, and that we are not alone.
I don’t know what religion you are, but I think I got my reward/punishment thinking from good old Catholic guilt. I always thought in terms of sin, and black marks (literal ones for God to see when you died) on your soul when you did a bad thing.
I am realigning my thinking these days.
The author of this book is a Rabbi, and wow, if this is how the Jewish faith thinks, I like it. I am not sure I would understand how to eat, not mixing bread with meat or the tablecloths under everything, but boy, I like the theology.
I am reading a second book about how to handle life’s disappointments, by the same Rabbi. He offers suggestions on how to let go of how you thought your life would go, and learn to dream different dreams.
I need this one too. The Rabbi uses the life of Moses to illustrate how he too, needed to reinvent his life again and again.
I have never been particularly religious, but I am spiritual. My spirits just got a little drunk or something. Now they’ve sobered up and let up on me.
Relief is the word. Now I can move on. I can feel it. Now I can accept that I will not have the life I dreamed of with this man, which is also something that kept me hooked.
I can accept that there is another way for me. A little while ago, I didn’t know that. What was I smoking? How could I not realize that?
There is another way for all of us. I was too stubborn to change direction I KNEW THE RIGHT WAY DAMN IT!
This is the part of me I’ve always wished was different. Now it is.
Now I am ready to have the relationship that I am destined to have.
I can let go and fall without feeling like I will crash. Someone is there to catch me.
I see you below me OxD and everyone, you are holding one of those firemen trampoline things. I can’t wait to bounce!