Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
I really don’t know what personality type to put on my husband, but hearing what goes on in other’s lives, puts him in the running of sociopath. As I reflect, I see what I didn’t at the time. Naturally. 40 years ago, one just thought a man was a man. When I met mine, he was 34 and still living at home. At that time, I thought, he’s a devoted family man. How nice. WRONG!! He never left home even when he left home. I now understand the scripture that says a man is to leave his family and cleave to his wife. Home really is where the heart is. His heart never left his home and that was where he was the happiest.
I believed that we would begin our life with our traditions and start our own family. He never connected. Nothing formed a bond. It took 30 years to finally get the total truth. I suspected he felt that all we had was his, even though he didn’t have much when we met, other than a few possessions. Now I look at a person’s life and if they don’t have much to show for their years of living, I say, so long sucker. If they don’t have a car, apartment, etc., then I see them as a leech, looking for a home.
I can’t get inside the head of someone who is totally selfish. I truly believed that we shared everything. I still can’t get myself to understand how a man can so willingly share his body, but his possessions, mind and feelings are all his, but he wants us to share our money, time, body, emotions, everything with him. And if we pull back, he has the nerve to be offended.
How I wish I knew then what I know now. My kids would have had a lot less grief and we would have had peace. But I didn’t know and now I do. If I make the same mistake again, it will be my own fault. I will look behind the scenes and find out why he doesn’t have anything. I’m sure he didn’t lose it all in a divorce. It’s okay to find out the cause of a divorce if there was one. I’ve found if the wife(wives) all filed for divorce, there had to be a good reason. They all can’t be wrong. Pays to check.
Dear Truthonmyside,
Welcome to the healing place, and most of us here have had similar experiences. WE end up looking like the “crazy” ones because they keepup the “front.”
Yes, people believe their lies. We at one time believed their lies.
I suggest that you READ and LEARN about psychopaths and abusers and users, there is so much good information here on this blog. The essays are remarkable and the comments are very very validating to your feelings.
Information is the best path to healing. Internalizing that information. So that you can heal, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
His “I will destroy you” is typical too, it means–I don’t respect you, but you are my PROPERTY, how dare you leave me!
Believe him. Protect yourself., physically, emotionally, financially, socially, and with your kids.
He will be losing his “illusion” of the “happy family and the little wifie” so this may make him quite angry. HIding money, etc are par for the course, so I suggest you get a good divorce attorney and do the best you can, and then get on with your healing and your life. God bless.
Free, you are so right. I don’t think WE CAN heal completely until we get anger, rage, and wrath out of our system. For me it is a continual battle not to fall BACK INTO it (like recently when I discovered the vandalizm the Trojan Horse P had done to my machinery–to the tune of about $25,000 of damage to at least 3 vehicles–but it GETS EASIER than it would have only a year ago, and instead of 3 months or more of a tooth grinding anger and rage at the injustice of it, the sheer unnecessary destruction, it was only one day’s worth. BIG difference. “Practice makes perfect”—I “Ain’t perfect” yet or I wouldn’t have had the anger I did have, LOL, but I’m sure a heck of a lot better than before!
Staying in the moment, accepting the things we cannot change, and you are right—it is so good. ((hugs))))
Hiya dear Free – These things are so subtle arent they – but yet so powerful. Change your mindset and you change your world and even small changes in attitude can bring results. Some of us have no problems being assertive at work, but when we enter intimate relationships, we seem to lose ground, I know I have felt like that. Off the back of what happened to me, I am still examining my own mindset and although I am still in the tail end of recovery from the surgery and treatment, I am feeling a million times better. We are here to help and support each other – and that is as it should be!!! (((hugs)))
You know, Free, that psychopath was STILL even after “how long?” trying to SHAFT his X-wife and keep her from getting a job that she was applying for! HOW ROTTEN IS THAT, and the poor woman may never even know why she got turned down for a job that she may have been perfectly qualified for. That is just a perfect example—PERFECT—of what the Ps do, no matter how long it is after the break up, they MISS NO OPPORTUNITY to hurt you, even though it benefits them NOT ONE WHIT! Yet, he will chortle and laugh and feel superior because he HURT HER without her even knowing it…although who knows, maybe he will laugh and tell her later, just to drive another splinter under her fingernail.
CRAZY? I bet you she WAS, but BECAUSE OF HIM. I totally ADMIT I was CA-RAAAAAA-ZYYYY, if crazy means that you can’t thinkk straight, you cry all the time, you are paranoid, you can’t focus, you can’t function, —yep, and I bet that poor woman was too.
This kind of chit makes me sooooo ANGRY, and also angry at your unsuspecting friend who would take the word of a P. Unfortunately, we can only TRY to educate these “others” and not always successfully. It is a shame.
Today I go to face the Trojan HOrse P in small claims court, that is if the State did transport him for the hearing, to try to keep him from keeping title to the vehicle he conned my mother into buying for him. I’ve got on my “big girl panties” and I am going to put on the best performance of my life in front of the judge–BTW the judge is the same one who RAISED HIS BAIL after my speech at the bail hearing, so at least I bet’ya he will REMEMBER the P, so maybe that will help!
But whatever happens, I am SECURE that I will behave in a dignified manner and appear to be a rational human being and he will appear to be nothing but the reptile he is–and the funny part is that he will THINK he came off as a “Big Shot.” (In his prison uniform no doubt!) Wonder if they will unhandcuff him for the hearing? Since the deputies all know him I doubt it. I’ll let you know how it goes later this afternoon.
Hi there Free. Yes, ONCE WE KNOW the patterns of behaviour it is much more obvious what we are dealing with and if we are feeling really confident, we can throw in the odd test or two. I have recently tried explaining personallity disorderto people who have never come across it and they look at me vacantly, because they are like I was, at the beginning, not knowing who i was truly dealing with. Yes Knowledge is great power.
Your confidence shines in your words and yes I agree, when we are on the other side of the experience and have grown from it, – I agree it is wonderful ((hugs))
Well, the judge didn’t show up, so we are rescheduled for August 20th. the Trojan Horse P wasn’t there either.
Hiya Free. Yes, agreed and that is why I think that bad things happen to good people, the innocent ones. Dont we have to accept that all people are not innocent and that in a sense it pays the innocent ones to be aware of the tricks and ploys of the not so innocent ones. In a sense for me it is about accepting that evil exists in the world as duality. And how do we work out lives around that, – what we resist persists, so if we reject evil, in my experience ‘its volume’ gets turned up – almost like a naughty child seeking attention through its misdemeanours.
If we have an attitude of acceptance with non reaction coming out of our inner emotional state then in buddhist terms we can work to have a sense of compassion for other’s blind spots, their ignorance, we dont forget but we are not ruled by it and therefore we do not enter their mindset.
I am reading a Buddhist book about anger, because where I live I have had a fair degree of damage done to my property by unruly children which culminated in (I think one of my next door neighbours 5 children) breaking my front window on Sunday. So I have approached them in a non angry state, but acknowleging that I feel angry, because I am a reactive person and I know that when I was with the N, I reacted to everything he said and did, which gave him immense power over me. (((Hugs and love to you Free)))
Bev, it is interesting about Buddhist philosophy, my P-son in prison has for years read about Buddhist beliefs and in fact has corresponded with several Buddhist monks for years.
He has even taught himself to read and write Chinese, some Japanese, etc. His readings about Eastern philosophy has gone on for years and he can”quote” all kinds of non-violent philosophy, including Christianity, etc. but he doesn’t GET IT at all, it is just his MASK–
My gracious, I used to TEACH a class for nurses and nurse managers about HOW TO DEAL WITH UNREASONABLE people, patients and their family. How to come on in a non-threatening way, how to realize that these people are hurting, scared, etc and how you can by NOT reacting to their anger, keep the situation under control. How you can pacify them, and at the same time keep yourself from becoming frustrated and angry, etc. Great Class! I just didn’t practice it with the Ps. I WENT CRAZY INSTEAD. The Ps remained “calm”—OUCH!! ! I let them turn it all backwards on me!
When we let our irritation build up to anger, and we retain that anger, we LET GO OF control of ourselves. Then they take control. Even Jesus was angry, but He didn’t “lose control” so we need to make sure that our anger (even justified anger) doesn’t let us give away our POWER to another. Jesus said “be angry and sin not” which I thinks mean that even though you are angry, keep YOUR CONTROL.
I have noticed that most of the time my P-son, and my XBF-P kept CONTROL (at least outwardly) with their anger and used that “calmness” to work on getting control of me.
What was used to be called “cold blooded” or “first degree” murder, was a murder that was NOT done in the heat of anger, but one that was cauculated and calmly planned in advance. That was considered the worst degree of murder, and at that time people were executed for first degree murder. Now, I’m not too sure murder of any kind is still much of a “crime” as unless it is multiple homicides, or particularly heinous ones, or of a policeman, etc. it seems that they eventually get out.
Bev, I don’t envy you living around 5 unruly kids, we had a family of 11 of them on a corner of our property that ran wild over the countryside, stealing and vandalizing. A mile up the road we had 3 brothers who were budding Ps, one killed himself in a motorvehicle accident, and the two are now iin prison (again) but their reign of terror was over the time they were from 10-12 to 21 or so when they finally went back to the Big House for a lengthy stay. They loved to burn buildings too. With the bigger group of kids, the bank foreclosed on their house and 1/4 acre and we managed to buy it! It was so dilapadated that no one else would live iin the place so we got it pretty cheap to use as a storage shed until the roof starts to leak and then we can bull doze it. I admit that my frustration with that group of kids turned into frustrated anger many times. I’m sure the local sheriff felt the same way as well.
Keeping our own peace in trying circumstances and in dealing with people who are evil and unreasonable is difficult, but for our OWN mental and spiritual health we need to make I think every effort to do so. (((hugs))))
Dear OxyD. There will always be situations that test us to the max and I identify so strongly with the rage and anger that people here have felt towards their predators after realising the utter despicable behaviour and betrayal – it would test anyone to the limit. I had to ‘contain’ myself more than once at the beginning, the desire for revenge was deep, and I cant tell you what depths my imagination went to, but I know that this is not the right way, so like many here I practised much restraint and journalling here helps to release.
Applying what we learn in ‘real time’ is the difficult bit and I always consider myself ‘work in progress’. I noticed that your Pson and XBF-P like my exN had a superficial veneer of perfect control – but inside, my exN was a seething cauldron of rage and anger. One of his pet sayings was (and he text me once when I had upset him (not conformed)) ‘An eye for an eye’. But they dont express at the time, and they dont share what they are thinking – I think that is the dangerous bit – they store it all up and do alot of thinking about what they are going to do. And if the lid gets lifted on all that rage and they do out of control, well as you know, the result can be murderous and as you say premeditated acts are even worse.
I never saw my exN lose control in any situation. A horrible situation once, we were sitting in a bar and a black guy came in and the guy had no money (we have alot of different cultures moving into the area) and was bumming free drinks off women. My ex got so insensed that when the guy was thrown out of the pub by the landlord, my ex followed him into some woodland and God only knows what he did. My ex calmly sat and finished his drink as though nothing had happened – I was really shocked.