Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
I totally understand, Wini, and that’s why I am so drawn to people who have overcome hardships. That is what I was saying on the other thread….that I feel most people live a “comfortable” but unconscious life. They don’t really question their decisions or think about why they do what they do. Going through an earth-shattering event like a sociopath forces you to wake up and live your life intentionally. Granted, there have GOT to be better ways…….lol
StarG: Unconscious is right. Just like all these bail outs are/is unconscious. Giving FOOLS who created the problem in the first place more money.
Is anyone thinking? I think we are seeing on a global scale people believing people because they believe they are righteous like themselves. No clue how evil these CEOs truly are. We are only seeing the tip of the iceberg, them running out to buy new planes or give themselves million dollar bonuses.
President Obama and the rest of the democrats … YOU NEED TO HAVE THEM ALL INCARCERATED FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME, Hopefully after I’m dead and buried. Period.
Stargazer, my answer to your question about being grateful is yes. Sort of.
Occasionally I feel grateful to him, but I think that’s just a sentimental moment. His behavior was disgusting. What I’m really grateful for is how it changed my life.
Much like you wrote about learning to fight. About refusing to lie down and be defeated.
I think one of the reasons I went through this recovery process, especially the way I turned healing from him into healing from my whole abused childhood, is that I was determined to get more out of this relationship than he did. I was so angry, and despite being the loser during the entire relationship, I was not going let it end that way. I intended to get full value and more for all the investments I made in him.
Anger’s such a funny state. In some ways, it’s awful. Hard on our bodies. It makes us prickly and snarky and in-your-face. It makes all kinds of resentful and paranoid crap float around in your head.
But it’s also clearheaded and penetrating and take-no-prisoners. Some of the best and funniest writing I’ve ever done was when I was furious. I’ve gotten things finished fast, stood up to people, planned Machiavellian strategies for revenge or getting what I want, cut through clutter and complications, and generally acted like a Zen arrow on steroids. It’s very addictive. When I’m there, I want to stay there.
And that’s one of the things my relationship with the sociopath did for me. It finally pissed me off. I’d been simmering with buried resentment my entire life, while acting like the sweetest, most giving, most tolerant person. And the lid finally blew off. For maybe the first time in my life I got really angry, and at the right thing.
And you know, I’m so glad about it today. It took a while for me to calm down, to get used to feeling angry and learn how to use it. Because I think anger is a tool. It’s a natural emotional response inside us, but I think it’s meant to give us strength and focus to deal with the outside world. So we can stand up to people when we need to. We don’t need to be waving our arms or breathing fire. Quiet cold anger can be ever so much scarier.
Stargazer, learning to stand up for yourself is a good thing. And I’m so glad you are deciding to take action in this matter of the snake community. It was hard watching you just let it go because you didn’t want to deal with him.
But I’d quibble with you, maybe, about developing the skill of standing up to the sociopath. Only because of the way they play — no rules, do anything to win, not care about the damage. Going mano a mano with them is never really a fair fight, because you can’t make yourself not care about what they do, if not to you, than to everyone else.
What’s more useful — and it’s what you’re doing — is going after what you want. With all awareness that they may present an obstacle, but focusing on what you want, rather than him. If he’s an obstacle, you find ways to neutralize it, as you are doing, on your way to your objective. God willing, you can support your friends in figuring out for themselves that withdrawing attention is probably the best strategy in dealing with someone like him. In that, you can be a model for them. You give your attention to what you care about, and don’t get involved in BS that’s a drain on your good humor or on the functionality of the group.
To get back to your original question, I’m a different person today than I was when I met my sociopath. Not at the core, but in the way I approach life. That relationship challenged a lot of my “rules” of living, of loving and be loved, of what it meant to be a successful person in my own eyes. It was hell to live through, but I think that was just the cost of change. Sometimes when learning is deep and important, it really hard to let go of old ways. We’re afraid of change, especially when it involves becoming something we never let ourselves be before.
Today I’m independent, resilient, assertive, and inclined to trust my own counsel, even if everyone else thinks I’m wrong or crazy. They don’t walk in my shoes or manage my life and my heart. I’m grateful when people care about me or like me, but if it requires me to pay something for it, it’s like guys who say they don’t pay for sex. I don’t pay for friendship or love. It’s not that it’s too expensive. It’s just that it’s not friendship or love anymore.
I lost a few things. I’m not as sweet and naive and oh-why-not as I used to be. But I’m 60 and I think the dignity and self-management is becoming to my years. Actually, I think it would have been nice at any age. I think that you’re a lot younger than me, and I’m so glad to see you going through this now, when you’ll have so much more time to be the woman you’re becoming.
So welcome to the club inside the LoveFraud group of people who are thinking that this may all turn out to be a good thing.
Kathy
PS: I just had a round with Citimortage myself. I think it came out okay, though I haven’t yet received the letter they promised to send me a couple of days ago, confirming that I was right and they were wrong. Good luck with them.
Kathy,
I appreciated your last post and will no doubt be thinking about it for a while as I’m going about my day. Do you think it’s possible to actually go back to the reptile site and ignore the sociopath? This is in direct violation of NO CONTACT which is so strongly recommended. I have to admit, I’ve been feeling more peaceful the last few days without the site. I just feel safe. Even though I miss the site, I don’t feel that nagging worry in my gut that if I go there, he may be there, or someone he is chummy with might be there and mention him. I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder on that site, ignoring certain threads and certain people. It’s one of the downsides to an internet community. You cannot control who hangs out there. It would be empowering to go back. But I would prefer he gets banned or driven off first. And that will take a village. I don’t know if my little “village” of friends is up to the task. I feel so much more peaceful without all that worry.
So you are a Citimortgage survivor, too? I often wonder which is the bigger ordeal, a sociopath, or having a loan through Citimortgage. lol
Wini,
When I said that many people seem “unconscious”, or live in a certain comfort zone without questioning it, I wasn’t making a value judgment. I certainly wasn’t asserting that they are evil or foolish or that I am better than they are. I am also not just referring to the highest echelons of government. I am referring to everyday people. I think we all have different karmic lessons to work out in life. When a person’s pain is not that great, they sometimes don’t have as much motivation to change or to become conscious. I also believe we all have areas where we are unconscious. At every step of the way on our paths, the ego is always there. None of us are exempt from having one. I don’t know anyone who is totally egoless.
In the Buddhist philosophy, they say that when you are able to work with the difficult emotions, they become positive qualities. For instance, anger, when transmuted, becomes wisdom. That is why, I think, there are so many truly wise people on this site. (And I’m not talking about the wise asses like me. LOL). Many people did not come into the world with an abundance of painful things to deal with. This does not make them inferior in any way. In fact I envy them. But then they don’t get to gain the wisdom that comes from dealing with adversity. Personally, I’d trade all of my wisdom for blissful ignorance if I could go back and remove the sociopaths from my life.
Help! Matt and Elizabeth or Oxy. I just realized I don’t have a copy of the sworn statements. I gave my originals to the army investigator so he could retype them. I never made copies. I have emailed him asking for my copies, but I suspect I will not hear from him again.
Should I just send the letter without them? I was hoping to send the letter today. I can wait till Monday.
StarG: I knew what you meant. I said it before, and I will say it again, on a scale from 1 to 10, where is the person residing on the EGO scale? I know loving folks who want to enjoy their day with me. Nothing in it for them than for all of us to go out and enjoy the day, no matter what we happen to be doing. I also know folks that want me in their space for selfish reasons … another body to be there for whatever selfish reason is going on in the background of these folks.
It is true, humble is the most difficult virtue to obtain.
That’s what our country’s biggest challenge is today. Explaining and then learning how and why one should become HUMBLE as they go through life’s journey.
If my vote counted for anything to fix in this country. Humble would be it StarG.
Peace.
Star I would send the letter with an explaniation in it that the ORIGINAL STATEMENTS were given to the Lt. X, and that you do not have copies. That is all you need to do since you don’t have copies. You might even put in your letter that on X date I asked Lt. X for copies but I have NOT HAD A RESPONSE.
That’s about all you can do, and mail the letter whenever you can, no real rush one day or another isn’t going to make a lot of difference. ((((hugs))))) No big deal! ((((hugs))))
Thanks, OxD. I will do exactly that.
hugs to you too,
StarG
Stargazer:
I’d do what OxDrover says.
OxDrover:
I was going through a cabinet today and came across a 12 inch cast iron skillet which belonged to my grandmother. I am seasoning it in my oven right now. And then I’m keeping it handy for when I need to slap (boink?) myself upside the head.