Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
Dear Lillygirl, If you asked me whether I have had a good life, so far, I would say that at the moment I am reasonably comfortable, but my past life has had a fair amount of anguish, angst. I too have grappled with the notion that sitting on a tropical island sipping cocktails is the fantasy of a good life.
If you asked me if I have achieved huge growth in my consciousness as a result of living a painful life. I would say OH YES. I have probably travelled very far in the respect, and isnt that what we are truly here for? Sometimes I feel that I have lived quite a few lifetimes in this one life!
Yea I want to spit. I want to puke.
I am a single mom and he is a bazillionaire and when he knows I get strong enough to get rid of his butt, he dangles the EXACT carrot he knows I want, and eats it in front of me.
CREEP.
I just ordered that book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, I need a change from reading about N’s and how Bad THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE…
I am digging, I promise. And as for the questions, you can count on me to always stir up the pot, I have learned through countless hours of nonsense from books and “professionals” that I will not swallow something just ’cause it’s dangled out there.
I will sit by the river and hopefully someday he will float by.
Iradessa, my condolences. You have an awful situation. I have a child with my ex too. It is not easy.
The author Lundy Bancroft has been remarkably helpful to me in my situation, he understands how these abusers come between us and our kids, how they use our kids to hurt us (one story he told was of a dad purposely feeding his baby spoiled milk to inflict pain on the mom, and to cause her anxiety anytime the baby was alone with him).
Anyway, Lundy has written several books, many about the children of abusive fathers, and I just ordered a second one with the Bad Things book. He is a true hero.
http://www.lundybancroft.com/
I think when we have to have contact, knowing the way our abusers are trying to manipulate us goes far as we try to protect ourselves and our kids.
I also am a HUGE advocate for Alice Miller’s books, who believes as long as ONE LOVING WITNESS stands up for the kids even under the most severe abuse, the children will be okay. She has written tons of books. She helps me understand why some people grow up to be P’s and some people grow up to be kind, empathetic and loving like us.
I am thinking these are the only two kinds of people in the world anymore.
Dear Lillygirl. You go girl!! I am a single mum too and I know how hard it is believe me and I had no support at all from anyone. Yes the lack of money and drudge is the hard bit, but you will get through it and what you will gain from it in your own personal qualities will be amazing. Determination, ability to survive on next to nothing – yes, multi talented, cook, first aider, counsellor, taxi service, cleaner, organiser etc etc. I can fix cars, I can do almost anything if I put my mind to it – because I HAD TO. Yes I have a room paved with self help books some written by middle class professionals and their formulas dont fit.
Okay… let’s sing it together…
I can bring home the bacon…fry it up in a pan….
Hey, I just checked Lundy’s new website and there is a TON of helpful, practical advice on it, really really healing stuff.
Please, even if you don’t have kids, if you have been abused, read it.
The way I see it, I know someday my N will lose it and really hurt someone physically and I think he will likely end up in jail. But you know what? I cannot and will not worry about him, what he is doing or think about what will happen to him in the future.
Anytime I think of him lying on the beach while I am scooping dog poop up in my yard I think to myself…yea, but today I didn’t cry.
If I was with him on the beach…I know I would have just cried, would be crying while we were there and I would cry when we got home.
Pina Colada? $7
Pina Colada on the beach in the Bahamas? $907
Scooping dog poop and not crying today? Priceless.
Dear Lillygirl, when we look at life in this one dimensional way, everything looks unfair. I think that if we dig deeper and see that life is not one dimensional and that there are all sorts of other forces and dimensions in play, then things are not as clear cut as we think. I personally believe in karma and I know from my own experience that when someone close to me has died, I have sensed and experienced their energy after their death. Will cocktails in the sun improve that energy?
Dear Lillygirl, You could get some plants and some lanterns and make your yard into a mini paradise and you could fix your own cocktails!!! Hows about that then.
Lilygirl,
I was thinking too how unjust life is. I just wanted a life, too, and I end up being a statistic. Reading sites such as this is like shock therapy. It puts a name to the emotional side of these emotionless men. I do what comes naturally and it seems to me like they are living a scripted life, that is being written line by line by them. The conversations are very disjointed. Like they are thinking what to say before we get done speaking. They are planning their next line and most often it isn’t about the subject.
That in itself I could deal with. It’s the way they steal our emotions from us. How can they be convicted of emotional rape? They could charm their way out of anything.
I’m having a downer of a day today, too. I keep getting these reality checks and wonder why no one could see what was happening. It’s so frustrating to deal with someone who denies and denial is nothing more than a dressed up lie. But now that I know that so many go through the very thing I did, it makes what I went through real. Doesn’t bring me a lot of comfort, but I know it could be so much worse.
One of our tenants is a quadriplegic and has been since she was around 16. She’s now in her late 20’s. I look at her and thank God that I can at least keep myself moving. Her life’s cross is physical, while mine is emotional. But I’ve been set free and I just need to keep reminding myself of that. For me, I had set my heart on the words of my husband and figured we’d be there always and finish what we started. It’s like I have all these loose ends and that is frustrating to me. And there wasn’t even a death. As long as I put things into perspective, I come back to the present. I’m just tired of fighting the emotional war within myself. Out thoughts can consume us.
But we were designed to be with someone. When you think you have that someone, to have them abuse you, use you, then toss you aside, brings a pain so deep inside, that only time and distance will heal. Or else we hurt so badly, that we just don’t feel the pain anymore. I don’t know other than the fact there are lots like me. I’m not the exception to the rule. I am the rule.
Lillygirl. About a month ago, a friend of mine has a paved back yard measuring not more than about 5 metres square, nothing in it, except a barbeque and some rubbish. She asked me if, whilst I am off work, I want a project to do her garden. So I did, I made lots of containers of plants and her back yard is now full of flowers and plants and looks lovely.
ApptMgr. When I get down, I often give myself a reality check, and give thanks for what I have. I could have been history earlier this year, so I give thanks for my life. I do understand, I would have thought by now that thoughts of him would have ceased, but it is still going round in my head, that is one of the reasons I want to move to another area, where I can get involved in new activities and get my head off him. I think it takes a long time to accept what has happened to us. I only went with him for just over a year, but he has occupied over two years of my life, but oh looked what I have learned. Look at what you have and what knowledge you have gained ApptMgr and the support you have given to others – that is all so valuable.
Beverly – believe it or not, my yard has never looked more like paradise…I got myself little dragonfly lights that are connected and “fly” from a solar powered fake stone…they take turns glowing all night…I smile when I think of them outside, lighting up the darkness, and luring in the fireflies.
Aptmgr, after 10 years of marriage, my son’s father began cheating on me when my son was three months old. I survived that, and took care of him happily 24/7 (and I mean 24/7 – I had NO help from anyone)
My son was 2 when I met this N. I actually had never had any really pathological relationship ever before, so I had no idea what I was walking into.
He brushed my hair from my eyes…told me he would take care of me and my son (remember, he’s a bazillionaire) and that he loved my son so much he never needed to have children, just as long as my son was with him.
Talk about thinking I had someone…he made me believe that I went through all that pain of the cheating, leaving me when I was most vulnerable, the destruction of my son’s family…just because God wanted me to be with this new guy who loved us.
Talk about hubris. I was full of it.
Screw you ex-cheating husband…look at how much better off I am now…your son has someone who will love him and not hurt him like you did…someone who wants to be with us…we will have a comfortable life and you can go screw ex-cheating husband.
Ha. Ha.
Well, the joke was on me. No wonder he as a dream come true…he was a walking nightmare in disguise.
He saw my vulnerability and he stalked in for the kill. When he would abuse me, I’d leave.
I’d get the crying, begging, crawling back to me on his hands and knees asking me to take him back. I got marriage proposals, I got promises out the wazoo.
Again, my dream come true. Someone who really cared and realized he hurt me and would make it up to me, unlike my cheating ex, who never made amends. This time the guy would treat me right.
Not.
My life is always a struggle, but I have noticed that when he isn’t around, my struggles are normal struggles.
Lundy Bancroft says that when a woman gets away from an abuser, she realizes just how good life can be without him. Every second away is a clarifying second. It clears out the glue he poured into your brain.
Even if you go back to him, you go back having that taste of clarity in your mouth. Each taste makes you stronger, until finally you don’t need these sites to help you understand.
You just know. Then you have arrived at the place you need to be.
I’m not there yet, but I am almost there. If he leaves me alone this time, I will get a big dose of life without him, and I know this time I will get free.
But he knows how to manipulate me. He knows how to play me.
It’s like I just broke free from a cult and the cult leader knows my phone number, where I live, that I am alone, and vulnerable.
Every time the phone rings and it is not him, I am grateful.
Dear Beverly and Lilygirl,
I really like all you people here. It took me the most of my life so far, to find people I could relate to and with. I always knew my children loved me, but could never understand what it would take to earn the love of a man to finally wake up and realize that I don’t have to earn it. It’s a choice. I think of all those years of marriage, 30+, trying to figure out what was wrong. To be with someone who will tell you one day how much he loves you, then almost in the very next breath he’s cutting you down. For me it was done in such a covert way, that I just knew it had to be me.
I knew our character says a lot about us, but the only ones who could see his true character were myself and the girls. I still don’t know the extent of what was so distorted in him, but I got the most of the truth. Financial ruin and turning the kids against him. He sure missed the mark. But that was his concept of our marriage. He can’t see how he would fake illnesses and such to get attention. How he would try and get out of work any chance he got and how that would throw us behind. But that’s all done. I no longer try to make a point.
The funny part is, I really don’t miss the man. I miss the man I met. I miss the life I had. Being a housewife and mother was what I set my heart on. I loved the day to day routine of living and making a house a home. I think once we can get our house sold and I can finally tie up those loose ends, I can begin to live. I’m in this state of limbo and that’s what sets me on edge.
I was thinking today, too, of precious Mother Theresa, and what horrible truths she had to face. I know I can survive the end of a relationship. It didn’t kill me. It just killed my trust. I think, too, the most of what I endured was a test of my faith. I don’t blame God. I blame those who proclaim Him and claim to follow His precepts for living.
I love the idea of your back yard, lilygirl, and the one you prepared for your friend, Beverly. That’s what I need. Someday I hope to get that all back. But in the meantime, I know I have to go on. I miss my children and have no family around. That makes it rough at times, but then there are those who have family and children and all they do is fight. This just wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself all those years ago. And I didn’t help create the change, so it’s more difficult to cope.
I don’t know which is worse. To have the man cheat on you or cheat you out of the life he promised to make. Either way it’s a major let down.
I think how nice it would be to stop over for a spell and commiserate together. But this is almost as good. Talking and writing are great as far as a panacea is concerned. Reaching out and touching someone would even be better.