Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
Lilygirl!
“iF HE LEAVES ME ALONG THIS TIME…”
Even if he calls–DON’T LET HIM IN. DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE.
You don’t have to go back to him when and if he shows bck up again. Turn the tables on him–SHOW HIM HOW STRONG YOU ARE, take back YOUR POWER!
Don’t let HIM make the decisions for your life—YOU MAKE THEM. What can he do for you that you can’t do for yourself? Make you cry? Don’t give him your power, woman! He can’t hurt you again unless YOU LET HIM. (((hugs)))))
Beverly
I loved your suggestion of planting your own paradise and having the spirit to enjoy festive cocktails there.
It reminded me of a poem that I’ve come to love. I’ve posted it below. Ever since I’ve met my “Lestrygonians, Cyclops and angry Poseidon” it’s meant even more to me.
Like almost all of us here, our thoughts are indeed lofty and a fine emotion touches us. The three villains above did meet me on the road so I guess my soul did set them up before me but only to clear them so I could enjoy the rest of my journey….and even a pina colada in the garden.
I hope this gives you a sense of refreshment, too.
Here it is..
Ithaca
Constantine P. Cavafy
When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon – do not fear them;
you will never find them on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty; if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and Cyclops,
and the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-peral and coral, amber, and ebony.,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and to learn from scholars.
Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what these Ithacas mean.
Thank you Eyesopened,
That is a lovely poem and so full of meaning for us. Life is not a destination, it is the journey…
Before my husband died, I almost felt like I had “arrived in Ithaca” and if I’d had a magic wand, I wouldn’t have had a wish to make. Oh, how little did I know what lay ahead.
But the “journey back” will be better, it IS BETTER—thank you so much for sharing this wonderful poem. (((hugs)))
hugs back…
Hi wonderful sisters –
My little dragonflies are glowing and all is quiet.
Thanks for the support, and Aptmgr, I think we are very similar. Feeling lonely for a friend to have coffee with.
(I see you are an apartment manager? When my ex hus left, I always envisioned buying a double house and renting the other side to another single mom and we could help each other).
Anyway, you know, when you tell a stranger just one small incident with your abuser and they cock their head to the side, giving you that confused-I-have-no-idea-why-you-feel-like-this look?
Even caring folks don’t get it. So he fed a baby spoiled milk – he never would have done that on purpose…it must have been a mistake…you are too overprotective….you have to let up on him….even though he’s a father, he’s still a man and men don’t check expiration dates….relax, you’ll live longer…you have too high of expectations….
We’ve heard it all before. No one understands unless they’ve been there. No one.
That’s why we are here – finally someone gets it. That he fed the baby spoiled milk ON PURPOSE, that it just wasn’t a mistake, that his intent was to hurt us through our children.
It is a message that travels in an invisible, and violently shaking, direct line to our guts. They know how to send it with the biggest impact.
Anyway, OxD, believe me, been there, done that. Changed phone number, called police, called his family to tell them to get him, called his friends to tell them I was suicidal and to stop telling him he was a good guy, joint counseling, 6 months of no contact in the face of him calling 3x a day. Locking doors, ignoring. He’d send his friends to plead with me to take him back.
I have done it all. All the while I read everything I could get my hands on. I validated myself. It wasn’t me. But it took time and he never let up.
I know not to open the door, answer. But he also knows the secret ways to get inside ME. This is not a man who stops at a locked door.
He knows just how to send the invisible, shaking line directly into my heart and my head.
Mind control is a big factor here, and if it was just a simple matter of not opening the door, I could do it, no problem.
Like all of us here, we are not dealing with simple endings of relationships, family squabbles or broken hearts.
This stuff can kill you – it is truly deadly.
Dear Lilygirl,
LOCK UP YOUR MIND. Take back your POWER, the ONE place they can’t get to us unless we UNLOCK IT is our mind. Don’t listen to him, or his friends, or his family, or anything. If you feel yourself slipping, come here, post, but don’t let him back inside your head. You seem to think he has some sort of power that he does NOT have, believe me he does NOT have it unless you***you***give it to him.
You say “he never let up”—well, YOU never let up, never let him in, no matter how long he stays “at you”—you are STRONG, take back that strength girlfrield! ONLY YOU CAN END IT!
hey OxD,
thanks for the cheer. I can see your pom poms shaking.
I know what I have to do. I will. But I am not yet 100 percent positive yet that what he poured into my brain until now isn’t true.
I am 98 percent there. The 2 percent is still out.
For years he told me I would get the prize – his love – if I just behaved, stopped acting crazy and overreacting, that he was the only one who cared about me, punishing me when I didn’t do as he said…you know what they say and do.
I know in my head that he was brainwashing me, and now I am struggling to get the messages out of my brain. I know I will, but I live daily with the anxiety that he will get to me before I have recovered.
I am deprogramming myself, and I will do it. But it would be so much easier with a good friend or some family around me. It is tough do do it alone.
Today his sister who was as horrible to me as he was, saw me at the gym where I work. She started showing up there about two weeks ago.
I just ignored the fact that she was there, but it unnerved me.
I am an instructor there, so I just went on with my classes.
Today though, she was talking with a group of women and when I walked nearby to go out the door, she yelled out
“HI Lily!” You know, in that sarcastic fake HI. She literally cut someone off mid-sentence to yell it to me.
I could barely speak and rushed out the door. Now I look like the bitch. I know he told her to test me, “You saw Lily? Did she say hi? No? Well say hi next time and see what she does.”
This woman was HORRIBLE to me and my son for four years. Now she says hi? Not to mention I looked rude to a member in front of my employer. YUCK!
It was a small thing, but sent me into a little dowward spin.
It is those kinds of encounters that will begin increasing in intensity and frequency, very insidiously. Yuck.
Shelly –
(I like that better, because soon hopefully this crap won’t shock you anymore, because it is what they do ALL the time)
I’m here just before bed and I totally understand. The brainwashing robs you of all your common sense, your strength, and your drive…I hate it. I am the strongest person you’d ever know, yet I am reduced to a puddle when he comes around.
They can draw you in like a vampire calling you into the night so they can suck on your goodness, common sense, strenth and drive.
Now, go into your kitchen. Get the garlic. Tomorrow, whittle down a stake from a stick of wood that you keep by your phone. When you hear his voice, hang up and get your stake.
Find a place in your yard and drive that stake into the ground. Kill that vampire. Keep the stake by the phone and every time he tries to draw you into the darkness, hammer it into the ground with all your might.
Hammer. Hammer. Hammer.
I was reading more of Lundy Bancroft’s site tonight http://www.lundybancroft.com (If anyone is in Western Massachusetts, he has retreats, he’s a good man who knows what he is talking about).
and I found this on his website, I think this is what we all need to heal from this crap, and why we come here for deeply healing forces to fight the brainwashing:
1.
The power of love, especially when we receive another person’s loving, supportive, uninterrupted attention
An opportunity to tell someone the truth about what has happened to us and what those experiences have been like for us, to tell what they have really meant
2.
Deep sobbing and crying to cleanse our many sadnesses, hours and hours of it, healing our broken hearts and making us whole again, able to see the sunshine and feel its warmth
Deep and prolonged laughter, which cleanses our anxieties and strengthens our hope
3.
Stormy rages and tantrums (away from anyone who might be frightened or disturbed by them) that wash away the pain of insult and injustice
4.
Trembling, frightened outcries, and other releases of deep fear and panic, which liberate us from our internal cages and leave us feeling calm and courageous
5.
Having the experiences of being deeply heard and believed, which breaks down our isolation and opens up our hearts to the healing power of love.
These healing benefits in turn help the processes listed above, such as our laughter and our tears, to function more frequently and more deeply, in a wonderful mutually reinforcing cycle of love and healing.
I hope we all find that here, because it is exactly what we need.
Lilygirl,
Thanks for sharing those thoughts on healing. I will check out the website for sure. It made me think, I wish I could just say a few things in person and be heard and know that people understand.
I am learning right now not to talk about the Bad Man. It’s just better than way. I don’t really talk about him that much anyway but the experience informs how I see the world and everything around me now.
Still, when I do share, and I think that someone actually is beginning to get it and then they say, “Well, it’s best you leave that behind you now”… it kind of invalidates me. I am not obsessed with what happened but it has changed my life and me and it will always be with me. And I am passionate about what I learned and I will not forget it just because others can’t understand or because it makes them a little uncomfortable. And I also hate how is sounds dramatic. It’s not dramatic but it was traumatic.. that is for sure.
Anyway, I want to quote something you said because it reminded me of something.
“For years he told me I would get the prize – his love – if I just behaved, stopped acting crazy and overreacting, that he was the only one who cared about me, punishing me when I didn’t do as he said”
Girlie!!! You must know by now how classic that is, right? Right out of the old Sociopath handbook. But the thing it reminded me of what the comment posted quite awhile back, I think by LilOrphan…
“They always move the goal posts.”
I love this mental imagine because it reinforces a few things:
1. This is a game for them.
2. The rules always change and never in your favor.
3. You will never win the “prize – his love” by plaing his game… or any other way for that matter.
4. The “prize” for him is watching you keep trying to make the goal. That’s REALLY entertaining for him!
In this game, you are Charlie Brown.
Did Charlie Brown EVER quit trying to kick the ball that Lucy was holding for him?
Did he EVER kick it?
I think it was me that wrote a long time ago, the only way to win a game with a Sociopath is to put the bat down and go home. You must forfeit the game…. in order to win it.
The only “arguement” I ever won with the Bad Man is the one I am having now. No contact.
Dear Eyesopened. Thank you for sharing a beautiful beautiful poem. It really touched me for so many reasons. A poem with such grace and I loved the reference to the Egyptians, I have been to Egypt several times and this culture was my love since I was 5. I collect quotes, because I bought some calligraphy pens and I want to do some projects. The other project I have is to photograph an astrological ceiling in a church which links the qualities of the zodiac signs to qualities in the bible.