Many people commenting on this blog have expressed the hope that sociopaths/psychopaths will pay in this lifetime for their evil deeds. Well, I am writing to tell you that if this is your wish, statistics are in your favor. You likely just need to wait it out because psychopathy is associated with life failure, as I will explain.
In a recent study, Psychopathic personality traits and life-success, Dr. Simone Ullrich and colleagues examined relationship success and life success in more than 300 men, they have followed for many years, these men are now 48 years old. In their study, psychopathy was not associated with success in any of life’s domains. When they examined symptoms of psychopathy the interpersonal domain (being charming and manipulative) was not related to ”˜”˜status and wealth” or ”˜”˜successful intimate relationships”. Impulsiveness and antisocial behavior reduced ”˜”˜status and wealth.” The authors state “ It is concluded that psychopathic traits do not contribute to a successful life and that the findings cast doubt on the existence of the successful psychopath.”
You may be asking, What about all the “successful psychopaths” we hear about? First of all, I believe that these are a very tiny minority. Remember that the disorder sociopathy or psychopathy is a group of impairments that I relate to an inability to love, poor impulse control and deficient moral reasoning. Confusion arises because some narcissistic individuals have impaired ability to love accompanied by grandiosity, but their impulse control and moral reasoning are not as impaired. These individuals may achieve some life success (Journal of Personality Disorders, Vol 21(6), Dec 2007. pp. 657-663). So if a person is unable to love and grandiose but not excessively impulsive or immoral, that individual may achieve some career success. But still an inability to love prevents any real relationship success.
So now you can move on. Fate and Karma will get that psychopath/sociopath. You can go about your life working as I do, on trying to love more and live better.
Dear Lillygirl, NO-ONE has the right to suck out your life energy if you dont let them. They are very cunning, but you have to be twice as strong and of course they try to depelete us so that we are weak and dont have the energy to challenge them. When you have won this battle, you will never be tested with it again – you will have proved to the cosmos that you put yourself and your child over HIM. This battle is not to sell out on yourself. This is a serious battle and you have much support here behind you. If you summon up the support, you can increase your energy so that you become the bazillionaire. We are right behind you Lillygirl.
Good morning all –
Aloha, I laughed at the Charlie Brown reference, I have used it 100 times to describe this insanity.
If there is one thing I know for sure – no matter who he is with, he will do this. It’s him, not me. Although for years I believed it was me. I can’t wait to get back to who I used to be.
I was wondering all, do you guys ever feel like you have just become a bitter angry bitch?
Geez. That’s how I feel these days. Almost like an injured dog, who normally would never bite, but because I am injured, I will snap at anyone who even looks at me wrong.
I don’t like being this way. Whether it is a grocery store clerk, a slow driver in front of me or any injustice I see, I cannot be silent.
It is like now I can’t handle anything frustrating. I think my frustration fuse is completely burnt down. Now anything sets me off.
Is this normal and does it go away??? I want to be happy with people again.
And in my effort to assess my N’s willingness to change as he lured me back again and again, I used the following criteria from Lundy Bancroft’s site.
Lundy Bancroft is one of the country’s leading authorities on abusive men, and worked as an abuse counselor for offenders sentenced to counseling by the courts. He realized quickly how futile it is to “counsel” abusive men, as they rarely change.
However, he became a HUGE advocate for abused women, and used his position to help the woman, to validate her experience and to help her escape.
I think he is a hero.
Maybe if you have a nut who keeps playing with your head, you can hold him up to these standards that Bancroft has tried to outline when you are assessing how much he is willing to change. Just FYI.
Admitting fully to what he has done
Stopping excuses
Stopping all blaming of her
Making amends
Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
Carrying his weight
Sharing power
Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
Changing his parenting
Changing his treatment of her as a parent
Changing his attitudes towards females in general
Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)
I would like to believe that there is a force in this universe called “karma”. It is my feeling that karma does indeed exist, however it is not entirely a separate force from us as individuals. I believe that each and everyone of us as we are affected by evil perpetrated by an individual such as a narcissist or psychopath earns a piece of karma that collectively is added to an existing spiritual entity to make up the whole force. The karma of any individual can be weak or strong depending on how the “earned” karma is used. The success and good fortune that a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist enjoys in this society is greatly dependent on how all the pieces of karma come together and are applied to create an outcome for such person. What comes around and goes around” depends on how we as individuals apply the karma. Many people who are victimized by an individual do nothing to stand up for themselves or protect others from the same fate because they have the belief that “karma will get them in the end”. It is my belief that karma gets us all in the end. Everyone, good or evil has some degree of misfortune. That really has to do with the laws of nature and possibly spiritual forces that affect everyone in a random way. When someone such as a sociopath behaves in a way that is immoral, causing damage and possibly inflicting severe emotional pain to a person, it is my feeling that, according to the laws of the universe, the victim, perpetrator, and situation are not random. The situation between the 2 people occurred as it was meant to. Despite the suffering of the victim, the lessons gained eventually far outweigh the pain. The victim, if able to sort through all the pieces of the emotional puzzle becomes stronger and wiser. In addition they have a choice with regard to how they can use the piece of karma that they have earned, meant to be applied to the perpetrator. The more often that victims use their karma to for example expose the perpetrator, the less likely that the perpetrator will be successful in the end. It is unfortunate that often the narcissist and psychopaths have a feel for the people that will not use their karma against them. They know whom the individuals are with the “what comes around goes around, karma will get him/her in the end” type of attitude. This is not about revenge. It is about standing up for ourselves in the face of evil. I believe that it is everyone’s responsibility to assure that the narcissists and psychopaths are put into the light of day so that everyone can see them and less people are victimized. Thanks all for letting me share my thoughts!
Brenda
Dear GAng,
Good morning, it is coffee time here in central USA though I should be out working in the cooler morning, I have to have my coffee with you guys! LOL
Yes, being validated is important, and I too have learned not to talk about things with the “uninitiated” because they don’t get it, so why waste your time and then in the end have them say “OH, just put it behind you, don’t think about it”
I AM putting it behind me, but RIGHT NOW it is important to focus on myself, and my healing. I DON’T “think about” the problems WITH ACCOMPANYING PAIN any more, though I know some of you still do.
Lilygirl, your “frustration fuse” being burned out is a WONDERFUL DESCRIPTION of how I have felt for quite some time, but IT IS PASSING. I called it my “emotional strength reserves being depleted” but your “fuse” analogy is very good. Fuses have different “strengths” some are more powerful than others, and a small fuse will “blow” with a small surge or over load, and a bigger fuse will not blow until the over load is a bit bigger. As I gain strength the level of my fuses is growing.
If you put numbers to them, at first my fuse was a 1 and ANYTHING would cause it to overload and blow, but now as I am gaining strength BY STAYING AWAY FROM OVERLOADS and AVOIDING them all together, and as I heal I am able to withstand bigger and bigger problems without it totally shutting me down. My fuses are becoming bigger and bigger and I am becoming stronger and stronger as my reserves build up.
IT TAKES PEACE to do this though, and your X sending your sister in TAKES THAT PEACE AWAY if YOU LET IT. Your anxiety about falling for him takes your peace away, if you let it.
You say you are 98% sure and 2% not sure—remember, RAT POISON is 98% PURE CORN MEAL, and only 2% POISON, but it will kill you if you eat it.
Your X may be 98% wonderful but he is 2% POISON and if you don’t quit “eating” him you will DIE.
NO ONE WHO CARES FOR YOU AT ALL would treat you the way he does, HE IS A STALKER—he thinks he OWNS YOU, he does not want any dog he owns to run away no matter how he kicks it. iT IS HIS PROPERTY. How DARE you take away HIS PROPERTY?
When you realize that YOU are NOT property, and that YOU WON YOURSELF and that you are NOT his slave unless that is what you let yourself become, then and only then are you FREE to have a life that he doesn’t control.
It is all about control my dear! EXERCISE yourown control over your own life, or let him control it—it is your choice. I can’t make that choice for you. Aloha can’t. Beverly can’t. None of us can.
BTW, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are here for you. We are here to validate you. WE HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE….and we KNOW you, because we ARE you….we have made the tough choices, the painful choices, the right choices, and we are your biggest cheer leaders—but we can’t get out on the field and play the “game”—you have to save yourself. We will cheer you on, we will be here to hold your cyber hand and wipe your cyber tears, but YOU are the TEAM on the playing FIELD of YOUR life. Only you can stop his destruction of your life, your heart, your soul, because that is what HE wants to do. Sounds like your sister is just like him. Cut her out of the loop too. I had to cut off one son and my mother among others, and believe me I too felt very ALONE. But I am not alone, and neither are you.
BE STRONG! Use your POWER. (((hugs))))
Dear painted red. An interesting post about karma. After I had discovered the Ns cheating ways and finished things, he sent his sister round to my place to warn me not to contact him again or it would be tantamount to harrassment. Then she looked at me sympathetically and said ‘well he IS my brother, but if he has done anything bad, he will get his karma – Goodbye’. I have thought about what she said to me many times. ~Sometimes I see her in the street, and I feel like saying ‘Do you remember what you said about his karma – well he left me with cancer, which I am fairly sure was aggravated by the immense stress he put me under – how about that one for karma’. As I have not spoken to either of them since, none of them know about my medical problems.
I have often wondered, if I said something like that, whether his karma would come boomeranging back to me.
Hi Lillygirl. I feel much like you do at the moment. I feel like a scaulded cat too and boy, when you feel negative, the negativity from other things sticks to you like magnetism. I kind of feel like I am walking around with my tail between my legs. This experience has tainted alot of areas of my life and atho I have no cushy feelings for him, apart from the odd feeling of irritation and anger, I think deep down I still very aggrieved at what he did and I dont know how I am ever going to resolve that. I am not an eye for an eye person, but this man has pushed me beyond the limit of what I thought I could deal with. Sometimes I have to exercise great restraint and control, because if I were a bloke I would probably knock his block off. Whilst he, has probably barely even given me a thought in the last year – its sickening that they get away with it. I hate injustice, its one of my deeply held values.
I am thinking of taking myself off and camping for a week just to get myself out of the area, because it and everything else is doing my head in. Things are unsettled at home with my neighbours, who threw a dead bird on my grass today, and I hate things like that – its like voodoo. I have been off work certified by the doctor, but got a message from my work to say they want the office keys back.
Sorry folks, I am just having a rant and I feel like packing up my home and just moving out of the area fairly soon.
Beverly I am sorry for you that you are having a bad day, I think you and I share alot of the same feelings and our X’s seem to have alot in common. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you with your emotion’s today. You have said thing’s to me that gave me understanding and hope that I will get through this. I had a long talk with myself yesterday. I have to accept what has happened. I have to go through the pain to get to the other side of it. I just wanted a quick fix for this. Fixing me is not going to be quick. I have a life time of dysfunction, that I have swept under the rug. And I have some health issue’s too deal with (possible back surgery), and I am filing bankruptsy, I could blame all my financial problems on my X, but I am responsible for making bad decision’s. The past 2 years have dealt me alot of stress, but if stress can kill you , I should of been dead along time ago. I want to refix my way of living so I can be at peace and learn to live in the moment. Even without the horrible things my X did to me I am always going to have a bad day now and then. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for you. just do as you tell me HANG IN THERE
LOL OxDrover, you consistently come up with the most brilliant metaphors but this one really made me laugh. I have absolutely no idea where you get them from but I’m in awe yet again!
(It cut out my pasting of your message but it was the one about rat poison being 98% cornmeal and 2% poison!)
DEar BEv, I’m sorry you are having a bad day–but hang on sweetie, this too shall pass. I dont blame you one bit for wanting to get away. Even if you can’t go somewhere, pull tha shades, lock the door and pretend you are in a remote bed and breakfast and treat yourself like a queen! (((hugs)))
Dear Henry, I wish it WAS a “quick fix”–if so I would be perfect already! ha ha
Dear EnnLondon,
It’s just my Scots-Irish/Red-necked/hillbilly sense of humor I guess, I can’t remember where I heard that, but it was “forever ago” it wasn’t original. I do come up with an original sometimes, but that wasn’t one of them. I cna’t remember what I had for breakfast today, but I can remember every one liner I ever heard or made up! LOL Thanks.