Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Yes, Marketgirl, he wants to control you, and one of the ways he makes sure that he still has you, is by giving you that tiny taste of him again. Think of the pusher man, who would give you one tiny taste of your favorite drug, because he knows damn well it activates the addiction all over again, and he will benefit from it….you’ll be willing to do anything to get your drug….yep. That’s what happens. And just like schnoodle said, he can then ignore you for as long as he wants, only to do it again in a week or two, it keeps you emotionally hooked, and maybe it isn’t convenient for him to actually be in a relationship with you, at this time, but he wants to make sure your still yearning and ripe for the picking when he does want or need something from you.
I would add, also, that he gets an ego boost out of knowing how much you adore him. Sorry, but it’s true, and while his ego is swelling, yours is withering away into nothing.
I know all this because I’ve done this. Even though I didn’t want to do this I did this. You can’t control him or this relationship and it’s crazymaking, and miserable for you. Go NO CONTACT, and get your power back, get your self-esteem back.
Okay Donna:
I sent my message to Oprah. I may not have chatted or posted on here but I read the articles faithfully and because I was involved in prosecuting an actual diagnosed Cluster B antisocial ex-military psychopath, I couldn’t disclose any details. But just like others on here, the stories would curl your toes.
Have you guys read about another psychopath up here in Canada, a Colonel Russell Williams, who stalked, raped and murdered dozens of women while functioning as commander in chief at a military base in Ontario. I wish I had the link to provide but just search that name and you’ll see.
If I had ever known about these types of people I could have been saved the most traumatising three years I have ever lived. Let it be known that this Psychopath used the pity ploy — claiming he had PTSD. Watch out for these types as well. We all feel for our military men and women and try to help them in any way we can, but be careful.
Dear Marketgirl,
This is NOT a normal relationship- where you can suppose that they have “normal” motives of wanting love or connection or not, these people want CONTROL and they get off on keeping you “crazeeee” it is like vampires feeding on blood only these feed on your emotions going hay wire!
Dear Velvetta, there is a thread here about Russell Williams, and yep, he is a hummmmm dinger for sure! One off the right end of the P-bell curve! But NONE of them are good. some just worse.
Glad you are here and have been lurking I hope you’ll stay around and maybe share with us just “no identifying names” Welcome.
DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS….or in the case of the psychopath…..Death of your kind-giving spirit by his/her thousand cuts of mind-altering games! But you do have THE POWER to stop the cuts….even at 999! BE STRONG!
“a crazeee stalker”, MarketGirl? Who?? ME??? LOL!!
I’d never stalked anyone ever. Well, wait, I did have a cheating bass-playing bf back in the early 70s who I’d track down if he didn’t come home at a reasonable time (like by 2am), & the times that I did, sure enough, he was doing the deed when I found him! [I did knock the crap outa one naked girl I caught him with….& I did go knock on another’s door at 6am to say, “I’m P’s gf, & if I ever catch you with my old man’s d**k in your mouth again, I’ll kick your f***ing teeth out.” And left smiling. :-)] Is that stalking, tho? When the guy you’re living with doesn’t come home?
Anyhow, I never tried to check up on anyone else. Not even my hb who worked for a well-known pot-smoking pig-tailed country singer for 10 yrs, & who was on the road about 250 days of the year. Talk about trust!
And unfortunately, I never snooped on J….even after I found out about all of his online personals that he’d had posted for 6 mos before he went to prison in 04! He swore to me (while in prison, of course) that it’d never happen again, & that he was just “panicked”, & was SO SO SORRY!
So I never once tried to snoop on him in the past 4 yrs….I actually avoided trying to call him at hours when he could’ve possibly been with someone else when he was traveling. I’d call out to him to let him know I was coming if he was in his lab or in the bedroom or if I was coming down the stairs to the office! [I confess: I Did Not Want to know if he was “cheating” online or on the phone! Damn, girl!!]
The ONLY time I ever suspected & accused him was when he forgot & left his hotel res on my computer (for 2 adults in a fancy hotel in downtown Philly, when he’d told me he’d be staying at his partner’s house in NJ!) I DID call the hotel numerous times that day to see if he “& his whole party” had checked in. And when he finally called me late that afternoon, he SO smoothly whisked it all away that I apologized to HIM for thinking he was having an affair!! And HE laughed & said, “Of course not. But I’m flattered that you’d think so.”
But I have done a lot of cyber-stalking & digging thru boxes of papers he left here (after his sudden & swift disappearance one morning when he left for the airport for a few days’ business travel). I’ve googled both his & her names dozens of times, followed FB & forums where I might find info about them, gone to all of his (now private) 4 MySpace pages. I feel like such a creep for having done it! There I go again! I’M the CREEP! For trying to find out what happened to my life in the 4 yrs when I trusted him completely with that life of mine! And yeah, I’d really like to know what’s become of him & his new GodlyWife…..not because I still care about him…..but because I know that everything comes around & goes around & his house of Karma cards is gonna come crashing down around him one day, & I’d just like to know about it when it does!
Slowly, slowly, I’m coming out of my fog……Gosh. It’s just tiny little ways. Thinking to do things to help my son get moved into his new house (only 2 doors down, so he can still be here for me). Trying to remember not to be negative when my F&F are trying to be kind to me…..trying to remember that I’ve always had a GOOD sense of humor (not a caustic, bitter one!)….trying to remember how much I used to smile….& laugh….trying hard to see that future that Donna talked about so eloquently in the recent article about SPs targeting our dreams. Starting to unpack all the bins of my things I’d stored away in prep for our move to Mexico (in July—except that he abandoned me & went there to marry his new GW only 7 wks after he walked out on me)…..my goodness, there are Books on my Shelves again! I’m taking boxes off of shelves & replacing them with my treasures.
Most of all, I guess I’m starting to try to replace all the broken parts of me with new & improved parts. With the help of all my wise & caring friends here at LF, & with the help of a really kind, supportive therapist, I’m beginning to see the things about me that made it possible for someone like *him* to do what he did to me (yall know them: lack of self-esteem, “settling”, depression from waiting for the Dream to manifest, etc etc….& several of my very own created in my dysfunctional childhood).
I’m now seeing those things as not being Absolutes in who I am….ripping out wiring, knocking down walls. It’s painful as hell. But, you know, I told my therapist this week, I think that this process is analogous to having cosmetic surgery: you Know it’s gonna be painful. & costly. but you’re willing to go thru it, believing it will make you more beautiful. so you get parts cut out, changed, lifted. And it does hurt like hell!! And you look in the mirror, & OMFG, you look Hideous! You’re bruised & swollen & look more horrible than anything you could ever imagine. & you wonder if you’ll ever even look “right” again, much less better. Your anxieties are out the roof. But slowly, all the wounds start to heal….very slowly….& then one day you’ll look in the mirror at the New You, & say, “wow, I’m really beautiful. how did that happen so miraculously.” 🙂
Still, I’ll have an ever bigger smile on my new & beautiful “face” when I know that he’s had to run into the results of his own ugliness! LOL! 🙂
Welcome to LF, MarketGirl. This is like a fabulous Spa for the Psyche, where you can come to heal your wounds & find assurance that you & your life will be beautiful again.
Dear Whyme,
WOW!!!! Your post above and analogy to what we do as “cosmetic surgery for the psyche” is so RIGHT ON AND SO VALID!!! That is outstanding! Wonderful! Grand!!!! Did I say I liked it???? WOW Again!!!You are so right because it IS PAINFUL, and we do bruise and sometimes we have to have another do over if it doesn’t take the first time and that hurts too….but yes, one day we look up and see our shiny NEW PSYCHE and we are beautiful!
Now, if I could just do that with my wrinkles LOL !!!!!
Good for you Whyme, I am glad that you are unpacking your life and your treasures and putting your shelves back together. That is fabulous!
Thanks for a grand post, I will have to ponder this for a while! Lots of good sub-plots to that one when you think about it for a while!!!!! I said I’d never have plastic surgery and physically that is true, but yeppers, I’ve had psyche surgery and cut out all the CANCERS FROM MY SOUL!!!!
Wow, Oxy!
thankya thankya thankya. 🙂
I’m glad you liked the analogy.
It felt really valid to me becuz cosmetic surgery is #1 on my 10item list of “what I’ll do with my inheritance.”
*When & If* I get it.
Since I’m dealing with a highly narcissistic SP brother, it’s possible that neither the inheritance nor the surgery will ever happen.
I was going to go to the ranch to pick up MY furniture last week-end, so I could give some of my junk here to my son for his place…..
but Oh NO, not so fast little sis!
My hideous SP brother had leased out my mother’s house With My Furniture that week, without even asking (or telling) us about it. He told my son, “there’s nothin I can do about it, son….but you can have whatever you want in 6 months.”
That’s MY Furniture. Given to me by my mother in her will!
Who’s the guy who leased the house? How do we know he’ll take care of fine antiques? Or even dishes & pots & pans. I could go there & find an enormous house full of junk in 6 months!
That would be typical for me, since my Very Evil Cousin who hijacked Mother’s estate in 2002 (& it took us $400k & a year & 3 brand new vehicles & all the family silver & my mother’s $80K coin collection to get rid of her) burned EveryThing that had belonged to me that I’d had stored there for all my life..(books, toys, clothes, pics, etc) & anything of my late son’s that was still there…just one more wicked parting gesture after we forced her out of the house. And my Gollum sibling has been holding the rest of it in his pocket since then….controlling my life, denying me & my late son’s son what’s rightfully ours.
But anyhow, IF&WHEN I ever get my inheritance, cosmetic surgery is #1, that fabulous after-care Spa for a month is #2, & I’m not afraid of That pain! It’s worth it to reverse the results of a nervous collapse & depression that show in my face.
But THIS pain now—this psyche-pain—whew, it’s gotta be worse than any surgery recovery!! I can be asleep when they start cutting on my face….I’m the one who has to be wide awake to cut into MySelf….I’m the one who has to consciously excise all my demons. I could use a little peyote right now. Or ayahuasca. Just a little. It might be brutal, but at least it’d be over in 24 hrs instead of 24 (or god knows how many) months. Maybe I should put that ayahuasca voyage into my subconscious at #3 on my list.
But since that’s not gonna happen, I’ll just take my bandaged Self back to my therapist tomorrow & we’ll do a little more soul curettage….more cutting down to clean bone & tooth root.
Dear Whyme,
Well, you have got the “idea” of it all, and the intellectual understanding, so the emotional part will eventually follow suit! Once we get over the big part, understanding what is going on. So just take care of yourself TODAY and let tomorrow worry about itself when it comes! (((hugs)))
Hi all,
Im new to this site. I would like to share & maybe someone can help me out of this nightmare.
8 years ago my husband of 26 years bought me this farm after being an army wife fore 21 years. I was supposed to be able to start a nokill shelter.
I have over 100 animals I take care of alone.
First my medication was disappearing the day after it was filled. Then in 07 my Dad died so I went to his funeral in Montana. While I was gone he had a woman shacking up in my house. I got back some of my animals “”disappeared””. Not only that but my antique china was gone too. Over the next few years my rare gemstone collection was disappearing. More of my collectables. Then my jewelry disappeared. My sewing room was slowly loosing the 50 bolts of fabric.My sewing machines,finished quilts. Comforters,sheets linens etc you get the idea.
When I asked about everything he said “” you must have misplaced it””! He would hid my shoes , my clothes & they would magically reappear in odd places. He would scream at me,YOURE F____NG CRAZY YOU NEED TO BE PUT AWAY!! He threatened to kill me and run me thru a wood chipper and feed me to the neighbors pigs.He has me so ashamed I cant stand to be around people. I used to be a socialite,I entertained all the time. Was on boards for fundraisers.Active in my community.
He has gone as far as gone to my dr and told him I was using my meds illegally. I have severe chronic pain. He went around town and told everyone with a pair of ears terrible things about me. I found child porn on our computer and animal porn,he found where I hid it and changed the harddrive with an old Tande then told me I was crazy,there isnt any color difference. It is all white,that harddrive isnt brown,you need to be put away. He also said he would self ijure to have me arrested for attempted murder. This was 1 week before I had him taken out of here. I have itt all on tAPE & NOONE IS INTERESTED IN HEARING ANY OF IT.
I have over 200 hours of recording of audio tape and video of him violating our dog and a hen.
I finally got tired of being abused physically and he was put out on our 26 anniversary. I dont get enough money to run this farm and have had to dumpster dive all summer so I can eat. I have been denied another court date to ask for more money. It was also ordered I cannot rent sell lease or make any money off this property for 1 year.
He is stalking me,(I live in the country alone) he drives by all the time,calls & hangs up. He has even been in the garage after I go to bed. There are items missing from my garage. He took my keys from my car with the house keys. I cant get any help until he actually hurts me or kills me.
I get no pention or disability and am at the mercy of his crazy ass for income.
There is alot more to this. I also have ptsd,I have recurrant nightmares. I was 97 pounds,Im not to 109.
I have been alone for 5 months,never had another human being even hug me or give me any kind of comfort. Im not looking for someone to fix my situation,just a friend.
I have tried every avenue for help,it all takes money.
He also canceled my dental insurance,my teeth are full of abcesses. I dont have money to pay for a councelor or a dentist. I fear noone will look for me for weeks should he kill me.
Dear Mommom,
Your story —what can I say? I believe every word you said, but it is “unbelievable” and if I hadn’t heard stories as “crazy” I wouldn’t believe it was possible, but I am so sorry you are going through something this “crazy”–the only thing I can suggest is that you go to a shelter where you will at least be safe. I can’t imagine what you could do with your animals, but as much as you love them, if you die they will not be any better off,, so I suggest that you put yourself before anything or any one. Surely to God there is a shelter or some place in your state you can go. Call the humane society in your state and see if you can get help with the animals and get them placed, but don’t delay.
Your husband sounds like he is extremely dangerous, and having had attempts on my own life by my P-son, I definitely take their threats seriously.
I also live in the country alone, but I am able bodied and ARMED. Your situation doesn’t sound like there are ANY “easy” solutions, but it is SO important that we put ourselves first.
I hesitated to leave my farm when I had to go into hiding, among other reasons because the psychopathic dupe was abusing my animals (he locked up some donkeys without food and water in the summer in a small pen) but I did get them out in time, but I know you are worried about your animals, but if you can’t keep alive, you are not going to help them, so take care of YOU! Please and keep in touch and let us know how you are! God bless you!