Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
I felt exactly the same way..I would have rather him beat me up physically than put me through the emotional pain that he did. I think today is day 12 of my no contact. I am doing better but I still have that anxiety of wondering when he is going to pop up again and how i am going to handle it if he does and how i will feel about it if he doesnt at all. I hope he doesnt at all but on the other hand that makes me mad too that he can just so easily let go..but i remember that he does not know how to love so to him it probably doesnt feel like he lost anything other than one of his supply. I feel pretty alone but it is better than the crazy I felt when he was around. I guess it is just going to take time to get over this hurt. Marketgirl, how are you doing? A lot of your story sounds like I wrote it myself. This site is so helpful..I don’t always post all the time but I read and I retain…then when my spath tries to pull any lovebombing/gaslighting..I remember everything I read here and it makes it alot easier not to fall for his bullchit although he is very convincing..even though I still want to believe him..I am educated now from lovefraud and I know his game and i know that if I give him a 500th chance..he will just do the same thing and lie and cheat and hurt me all over again. No contact is hard but it is better than feeling crazy all the time. Hope I can pull it off this time. I only have 3 weeks to go and I am moving. He swore that he was going to come with me and that it would be the absolute best for us to start over somewhere new but…it was all just another game.
brokenpieces –
“No contact is hard but it is better than feeling crazy all the time. Hope I can pull it off this time. I only have 3 weeks to go and I am moving”
Yes, NC IS hard but it is the only way the crazy will go away and you will get your true self back. YOU CAN PULL IT OFF – look in the mirror every single morning and tell yourself that this is so. Write it in lipstick or crayon on the mirror if you need to. 3 weeks is so close now, yet can also be such a long time if you allow access to your recovering self by a person who switches and changes at the drop of a hat. 3 weeks is plenty of time for him to completely derail your plans and rattle your resolve.
Starting “somewhere new” with a person like him is like putting all your trash in the trash can and then carting the trash can around with you everywhere you go; the stink will not only continue to follow you but it will seep into your pores so that in the end, you will be so used to the stink that you wont even be able to smell it anymore.
You can smell it now, right? So don’t take that lid back off, don’t look to salvage anything out of the trash that was never really in there to begin with. You threw it out because it was beyond repair; it was rotten and maggotty and vile and it was eating your life and making you rotten too. Leave it there and let the truck collect it babe.
When you feel sad or lonely or you start to have second thoughts (because you will – all of us did) please come here and talk to someone until your head is right again.
Wow-what a great article, especially the paragraph defining gaslighting. It totally resonates with me-especially feeling like you head is in a washing machine. I felt like that during my relationship and for a VERY long time afterwards.
MOMMOM-I would agree with advice from Katydid-your safety is first and foremost, even over the precious animals. It would also be in your best interest to run. I feel so sorry for what you’ve gone through with this man. It sure made my issues sound very trivial. From what you described about your getting sick from his coffee, you are in extreme danger where you are-especially regarding your comments about him watching programs about murder and covering it up. I saw a program once about a woman who was having all kinds of health problems and was seeing docs all over and having all kinds of tests, just to find out that her “loving supportive husband” was poisoning her by putting things in her food/drink. If he really has your housekeys, you need to pack it in fast, go far away and live in a shelter until you can get a plan. I will pray for you!
Phew! So many stories here.
Was not sure if I should join…thought it might be dodgy. Am finding your posts helpful. You all have first hand experience, and I think unless you’ve been there, you can’t understand.
I’m not a bimbo, I had a good job, lots of friends, my own home etc
However, I am recovering from the lying, cheating, user that took over my life for a year. He cost me my family, my job, nearly my sanity and left me with a hole in my bank account.
Like many on here I have tried to make sense of it…….and there is no sense.
His ex has taken him in and good riddens.
I have ignored emails, calls, and him even turning up at the door – I think on that occasion he was actually frightened if that is possible, cos mild mannered me went for him like a screaming mad woman and called the police.
Not heard anything since.
The lies, deceit, theft, manipulation, showing off, butting in on conversations, putting me down and no ‘love’, s*x but not love – he was somewhere else in his head at those intimate times.
Evil eyes – unseeing at times – empty, except when I was introducing him to friends then he would sit, say nothing, like he was weighing them up and then bang he was in there.
Lazy, that was an understatement. He would do the bare minimum and even then do it badly!
He worked (had 3 jobs in a year) It was always someone elses fault when he left.
Drove like a maniac – like everyone else on the road had no right to be there – scared me. Now I know he had no conscience so what was the harm?!
He’d had 4 car accidents in the last year (always someone elses fault.
Told the most amazing lies and then when I challenged him later he would just brush it off as if it were nothing at all.
My god, I have started writing and I can’t stop!!
Why did I put up with it? Cos I thought it would get better.
The final straw was when I found serious porn on pute, and a dd on his bank statement for a dodgy pawn site.
I tackled him, more lies, kicked him out, he came up pushing me round, forced his way into the house, I rang the police, he ran off and the police caught up with him.
Think he thought I was too much trouble and he cleared off.
And now…….lost a very good job, kids are speaking to me again (they all saw something was not right and told me to ditch him – but I was living his dream/nightmare) I move out tomorrow, worried that he will turn up so going to disappear for a while.
I’m running cos I’m scared he’ll come back and I could not deal with it right now,
I feel sooooooo mad I really want to hurt him but I know I can’t hurt someone who has no soul/conscience.
Counsellor says I should throw my head back, laugh and crack open a bottle cos he’s out of my life so I have ‘won’.
Thinking about it, (though it doesn’t feel like it) I have won.
Like playing a fruit machine, put money in, got nothing out, lost a little, but walked away.
No Candy,
You got LOTS out of it, you learned huge lessons. Now you can spot them. So it cost you your innocence, it may have saved you
Dear Candy,
You sound like a winner to me! You got out ALIVE, you are SANE, (believe that or not, you sound real sane!) and you have learned a lesson—and yes the “tuition” to the University of Hard KNocks is steep, but it is even steeper if we pay the tuition, go to the class and still don’t get the lesson. (which I’ve done multiple times, unfortunately!) But keep on keeping on, you ARE A WINNER! You are P-FREE! Welcome and God bless!
Skylar,
Thanks.
In the last 2 weeks I have read just about everything, if that’s possible, on the web sites.
Knowledge is power….and I feel a NEW power.
No one I’ve talked to really understands how it’s been – except the people on here.
candy, OMG, I totally relate to what you wrote!
Wish we could crack open a bottle together, and laugh!
(((hugs)))
I am new here. I go by Snowflake, and I came here because I wanted to understand personalities disorders more (preferably Narcissistic PD, Borderline PD, and Antisocial PD). I am still learning, I don’t know much of anything as there is a lot of information out there, but even in my search the data given is pretty vagues, from a scientific point of view anyway. I have come to believe I may be dealing with a sociopath, possibly my mother (who I think is narcissistic to be honest), and an ex best friend/girlfriend (who I think is borderline). Where I find myself getting confused is my ex has emotions, too much emotions, but she is cold, selfish, manipulative, self absorbed, and highly insecure. From what I have read, she seems to fit the mold other than her emotions.
My mother, the coldest most brilliant calculating woman I know. She can get anyone to do whatever she wants with her award winning smile, and when, IF, they catch on to her mannerisms, she has no shame in letting them know she doesn’t care. As a child we constantly fought with the other, not physically though. Where she gets me is mentally. Even then I caught on, and fought her, playing the same game. Over the years with her promiscuity, stable yet emotionally unstable home after home (she never stayed in one spot, we were always moving) we have grown apart, and the only reason I find myself dealing wth her is to get something in return. According to the DSM when dealing with narcissists if you give them any form of control, the will use you. I still think she has a form of control over me even though we don’t have a good relationship. I think she is a narcissist, truly, but when it comes to the characteristics, I think she may be a sociopath.
Sociopaths, I have been told, know what they are, and who they are even if they don’t know of the term. I don’t know for sure if my mother is awaare that she is a form of monster. She acts as if this whole planet is here to serve her only, and I am pretty sure sociopaths know that the world is a conscious thing, and they work with it to their advantage. Narcissists don’t know at all. I want to know exactly what she is. That way I can deal better. The one thing that makes me think she may not be is the fact that she does cry, a lot. I have always been able to read people very well, I love psychology, and I am able to understand body language as easily as I breathe air. Her mannerisms show emotion, but I think she tries to surpress them. She may even have a conscience (I can be honest and state that I am not too sure what a conscience is, literally anyway). Emotions is what I read that sociopaths don’t experience. She is charming, she is highly sexual, even now, still, she is attractive and everyone wants to be around her, she is full of herself t an extent, she has killed animals (cliche, but well) and justified doing it because the neighbors didn’t get their cat when she told them too, she has far too much power, she sued her workplace for a very shady malpractice, and managed to win even though it was her attitude that caused her to have problems, she has never shown me any actual love, she doesn’t pay much attention to me at all, and when she speaks to me infront of people she is fake, and secretly trying to burn me with her words. To the people that she claims to love she treats like abjects, and only gets a hold of them if she needs something. Other than that she is pretty much a loner. She has problems drinking, not a horrible drunk, but she drinks everyday, the list goes on. Where I get confused is her emotions. She shows far too many, unless she is faking to gain, which I would not doubt.
What do you ladies think? Am I being paranoid?
Why don’t these ex sociopaths ever just disappear? My ex split 2 1/2 yrs ago. Left me penniless. I had to deal with legalities of getting his name off the deed to my condo, he managed to get me to put a down payment on a car for him and I wound up putting the loan in my name because his credit sucked. I wound up making the payments for over a year and when he split I took the car back.
He’s the Karma kicker. I kept the car and was late with a payment so the bank calls him to pay because he’s still a co-signer on the loan. He texted he wants his name off the loan because it has frozen his credit line. Well, well, well. I texted back I am unable to re-finance to get his name off because I have no funds to do it and my credit tanked after he depleted me financially. So 2 nights ago, I get a text from his phone. The texter said it was his son and that he wanted to tell me he always found me attractive and thought of having sex with me…and this tex is supposed to come from a 14 year old who I have not even seen in over 2 years? Plus the kid was only 12 when we broke up. So, I guess it was from the sociopath looking for a reaction. I fowarded the text back and wrote that regardless if the message was from him or his son, his phone number is now blocked. I blocked it and can no longer get phone calls or texts from his phone.
I can’t wait til the car is paid off and he is detached forever. God this made me so mad!