Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Dear I wonder,
He was hoping you would respond to a 14 year old on a text message with a SEXT and then he would have gone to the cops and you would have been in trouble for soliciting sex from a minor!
DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THIS GUY, he is cagey and crafty and out to get revenge! BE CAREFUL!
OX – You are 100% correct. I do believe he was trying to entrap me. The “kid” wrote, “Hey it’s me xxx, can I tell you something?” I wrote back, “what’s up kid?” He wrote, “you have to promise not to tell my dad.” I wrote, “ok.” He wrote, “Ok this is goin to sound very very extremely akward but umm here it goes…Remember you can’t tell my dad but I always found you to be attractive and the even more awkard part bout it is I sort of wanted to have sex with you.”
Now this is bizarre. The kid goes to church so I wrote, “Tell your pastor at church and I’ll pray for you and forget you wrote that to me.”
I then wrote a text the next day and forwarded back the message, “I don’t know if this text was really from you or your son. Regardless, your phone number will be blocked.”
Ox – Now that I have cut him off from phone contact I don’t know what is coming next. I do keep a loaded 22 pistol in the house in a safe. I will take it out of the safe ….just in case.
Shabbychic….did he leave you with debt?
This is how I was conned over a period of time.
He’d say don’t know how I’m going to get to work – no petrol
Car repairs – finally bought him a new flippin car – he rarely let me drive it!
New things – had to have new stuff, even though he wasn’t buying it (I was) and the novelty soon wore off.
He could not get credit. Had 3 huge mobile bills from the past, had obviously had a different phone for each of his lady friends.
Clothes – said his ex had cut them up and he needed new ones
Tools for work – although he never used them once as far as I know.
Holidays – always his idea to go but guess what, he never paid for any of them.
The list is endless.
So they mess with your head sooooo much that you actually pay for these things – under any other circumstances you’d say clear off.
When I realised I had to get him out of my life I did not know he was a psychopath.
I looked on the sites and checked out terms like ‘loser’ ‘loner’ ‘user’ ‘fraud’ it was only by accident that I found the doctors check list and suddenly wham bam it was him.
After that it was plain sailing – cos I had him, knew what he was, how he ticked and how he got his kicks.
So now I am on a level playing field for the first time in ages – I have the upper hand because I know now what he is and how to rid myself of him.
NO CONTACT – ABSOLUTELY NONE – nothing for him to hook and reel me in by – and it’s working
Dear I wonder, get a bigger gun (higher caliber) and make up your mind before you need it that you can and will use it or he will take it away from you and use it on YOU. Or if you can’t get a bigger gun, Empty it into him if you must use it. EVERY round. Hollow points if you can get them.
If he is sending SEXTS to try to trap you he is more likely to I think slash your tires or burn your house than to break in and attack you, sounds like he is a sneaky one rather than one that would openly do something, but be careful! (head shaking here) it is SO OBVIOUS and they don’t get it that we can see through this kind of “trap” and that we are NOT even TEMPTED by a 14 year old wanting to “sleep with” us—-because if that was YOUR DAUGHTER, SEXTing him, you can bet he would have been BANGING HER! Maybe even if it was your son. Sheesh! What morons and what jerk wad creeps.
snoflake, that seems more of a narcissist.
the socio will fake emotion but has none at all. But the whole reason to fake emotion is to wear a mask. Your mom, doesn’t seem to wear a mask, she doesn’t care if you know what she is. That is not a sociopath, they are always wearing a mask until the day that they ultimately discard you. Then they take it off and go for the kill. The real face of a sociopath is so horrible to look at that you would cringe and be permanently scarred by it, they know this.
There is a term called Malignant Narcissist. This is like a step below the Sociopath. Your mom seems to fit that but realize that this science is very new and the terms are getting interchanged a lot. The way I keep it straight is to remember about the mask. It’s the predator’s hook.
That’s why I’m feeling so dismayed at my own dilema. My mother will not let down her mask, so I wonder if she is real, or if not, she must be really evil. Despite her aloof mannerisms when I was being raised, she has only shown a dark side a couple of times, for a few seconds at a time, in all the years I’ve known her. I can barely remember what it was about, just that I was sort of shocked and confused. She seems to be a saint and have no human flaws yet her children are a mess. She has the ability to spot and point out envy in others like breathing air. Envy I would not have noticed, until it was pointed out. She is very confusing to me, because she is so hardworking and self-sacrificing.
OX – My pistol has a laser beam…can’t miss! LOL…and I’ve been to the range and know how to use it. I won’t open the door for him so if he’s so stupid enough to break in then he gets what he deserves. This idiot took put his hands around my throat one time when we were living together and spit in my face and called me a “whore.” So, I can’t trust ANYTHING that comes my way from him.
Dear Iwonder, well being PREPARED BEFOREHAND to use a gun is 99% of being able to use it and not have it crammed up your nose by the other guy, don’t let him get too close either.
I got a Tarsus “Judge” which is a honking big self defense weapon, 6 inch barrel but shoots .410 buck shot or .45 long-cold ammo, so it is great for in home defense as the 410 won’t shoot THROUGH walls or hurt someone else on the other side of the wall. I don’t use it for anything other than laying on the pillow on the other side of my queen sized bed. LOL It is my “roomie” LOL
If I go out, I take a smaller .38 with hollow points (talons) that is easier to carry. They are my “friends” and I never go anywhere without my “friends.”
OX – You are a smart lady like me. I’m no longer wimpy poor defenseless me. Getting involved with the ex changed me forever in that regard.
Even after having my assets depleted and losing a great job because of him, 2 years later, I’ve managed to land an excellent job and am slowly recovering financially too.
So this Ahole can kiss my arse and meet my new best “friend” if he tries to break in my home to have a confrontation.
I wonder, I’m glad I grew up in a culture that allowed me to learn to be comfortable and use a fire arm from a young age, some people don’t have that legal right or cultural bent, so I consider myself fortunate in that regard and in a country that allows me to own a fire arm.
Did you read of that hanging the other day where a woman in Iran was hanged for murdering the “permanent” wife of her “temporary” husband. A man is allowed to have 4 permanent wives and as many temporary wives as he wants (i.e. a harem of concubines) and he can marry, divorce and remarry these women for as long or as short a time as he wants—and of course no paper work—just a LEGAL EXCUSE that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for a man in Iran to “cheat” on his wife—and this religion is morally uplifting to women HOW? I don’t know if this woman who was hanged was guilty of the murder (stabbing) of this guy’s permanent wife or not, but he watched the hanging silently the article said, while his son kicked the stool out from under the sobbing and begging woman who was being hanged and the man or his family could have “forgiven” her and “spared her life” but they didn’t.
It doesn’t matter to me if she was guilty or not of murdering the “permanent” wife—in my opinion, the MAN was GUILTY of the entire situation. He demeaned BOTH women which eventually lead to the death of both! Yet, HE still has a “crystal clear” conscience— if he had a conscience at all, and maybe he does, maybe he is just a cultural psychopath by western standards, but whatever it is, the results are EVIL for the women involved. I am fortunate and so are you, that we were not bred, born and raised in that culture of the denigration of women by men by the culture, law and religion of nations.