Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Dear Dancingnancies,
Thank you for that great post above! It is so true, because I would much rather the Psychopaths face the wrath of a just Creator than little old me! My journeys with the psychopath have strengthened my faith in that just Creator rather than stomping it out. I am thankful for that as well.
The Bible talks about people with “reprobate minds” and those that have “eyes but do not see, and ears but hear not” etc. and I think that pretty well sums up the psychopaths. I do not think that they had no choice, I think they DO have a choice even if there is genetic tendency to bend that way, I think we ALL have choices as long as we are not born so mentally deficient that we cannot know the right from the wrong, they KNOW, just as Judas knew it was wrong to sell Christ, yet he did it, he CHOSE to do it.
Was Judas a psychopath? I think so, because I think it makes it clear that he was stealing from the communal purse probably during the entire time he was with the others and with Jesus…so typical of a psychopath…a pattern of dishonesty….suicide? Yep, they even do that when they are outed sometimes…not that they have remorse, they just can’t bear to be caught out…not the same as remorse. Glad you are here Dancing N!!!! Good posts!
Thanks Oxdrover, I’m glad to be here. 🙂 Well, you know… not “glad” to have had the wool pulled over my eyes by the psycho & N, but if there were any place to be in the aftermath of a psycho/N/S, this would be it. There are so many wonderful people, and a great healing energy here. I’d rather know then not know. I’m glad to be part of such a self-aware, smart, change-oriented, and compassionate group of people such as you all. Truly blessed.
Dear Aussiegirl,
Thanks for what you said. I have second thoughts and feel lonely a lot. But I know that the only reason that I have second thoughts is because the effects of his manipultating still lingers even though I know what he is. He still has the control to manipulate my thoughts even when I am not communicating with him because I think of and remember things he has said before and I wonder if I would have reacted differently if things would have changed…these things replay a lot in my mind but I know that I just think this way sometimes because of all of the crazy making he did. I had thought that when I was planning the move that he would just know that I was going to be 7 hours away and that it was going to be done. Instead he started applying for jobs in the area that I am moving to while he was living with the girl he cheated on me with. He was just using her for money and sex and a place to live because he lost his job and he did not want to live with his parents and I would not let him live with me. It was just all insane. Anyway…of course it went bad, he lied but of course said everything was my fault…he was serious about moving and the stuff with her was just the tail end and it was over and I didn’t give him the chance..he had to start somewhere blah blah blah. Turned into a big phone fight and he ended it by telling me how immature I am and then hung up on me. Meanwhile I was supposed to be on “no contact” during all of this but I had failed. I thought…wow…If he is really willing to move and actually applying for jobs there..he must really be serious blah blah blah. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! ugh. Haven’t heard from him since but I am sure I will unless he is satisfied that he ended it on his terms and might just leave me alone. Just like you said…3 weeks is definitely enough time for him to try to derail my plans…but I won’t let him do it. I am moving and he is not coming with me…it was ridiculous for me to even think for a second that it would have worked anyway if he came along…my family and friends HATE him. If he somehow manages to get through to me…he might make me second guess myself but my logic is much stronger than my emotions are now and I am going no matter what…I have no choice but to go now anyway…I am notifying my job on Monday…movers are set up…and I am waiting on callbacks from jobs in the area that I am moving too. I am going to stay with family for awhile until I get my feet back on the ground. I know this is the right thing to do for myself…it is hard to leave in a way because I know I am leaving him and all of this behind and it will really be done so I am not sure why I feel sadness. I guess I just don’t understand at all why I feel sad. I guess because I have to leave the illusion of who I once thought he was behind and also the hope that he could somehow be that someday and change his ways. My imaginary fairy tale romance is over and all that is left is just a lying, cheating, pig, piece of trash, man whore, loser, sociopath. I would not pack bags of trash to take with me so why would I take him? 🙂
Another thing…he was a crazy texter…used to text all day long…almost all of his texts had probably 2 or 3 lol’s in them. I am pretty sure that it meant lots of lies instead of lots of laughs when it came from him.
And…this may sound strange and I will try to put it into words the best I can… He could do the most awful things to me…and then come here and look like he was so hurt…I would look at his eyes and feel sadness almost like I needed to take care of him and fix him and make all of his pain go away. It was an accident..he didn’t mean to do what he did..he didn’t know why he did it..his head was all messed up…I really wanted to HELP him. He blamed mostly everything on his mother and said she never accepted him no matter what he did… also his psycho ex’s were to blame. I felt so sorry for him and accepted him for who he was. He did all of these terrible things to me and I actually turned out feeling bad for him most of the time because I thought maybe he did the things he did because he was so broken himself and would be ok if he had stability and realized that I loved and accepted him no matter what. I still kind of do feel bad for him in a way and I know that I shouldn’t because it was not really real but it seemed so real so it makes me wonder. aaaaaahhhhh. I think about his sad eyes that he could make look so innocent and how sometimes he looked so lost and it breaks my heart to think that maybe he wasn’t always this way…maybe the things that other people did to him made him act this way…I can fix him..he is safe with me..he will be fine..he will realize..he just has to get through this…those were all the things that went through my head. He is a really great sociopath I guess…because I fell for it over and over and I know that most of us have…I just can’t believe it was all an act even though I have to accept that it was. I am still trying to get over his brainwashing. Having a tough evening tonight. Lots of things on my mind. This will be the second year in a row that I did not put up my xmas tree. Last year I didn’t bc he had me so wrecked but this year because I am starting to get my stuff packed so I guess this year it is a good reason. I will be moved before xmas so there will be a tree there waiting for me when I get home and family and friends who have missed me. Oxy has told me a bunch of times that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am on my way to happiness..I hope. 🙂 Hope everybody is safe from the spaths tonight and doing ok.
And…I am sorry for the long post. There are so many people on here who have/had problems far worse than mine and I feel like I should not vent the way I just did because people might look and think that I am being silly. I guess I should be grateful that he is not trying to kill me or anything like that at least not that I know of. Wow…I am really in an odd mood tonight. Just a lot of emotions going on all at once.
Dear Brokenpieces,
I am so glad you are moving away from this creep, and keep on talking to yourself, telling yourself all the things he has done to hurt you–none of them are “accidents” or “mistakes” —an accident in when you step on a banana peel and slip down, a mistake is when you add 2+2 and get 5, but being hateful and mean to someone is A CHOICE, climbing into bed with another person is a CHOICe, a lie is a CHOICE, and just because his “mommie was mean to him” is NO EXCUSE for him to have been MEAN OR HATEFUL or lazy or a mooch!
You keep on looking at that light, sugar! You keep walking toward that light and you keep on SINGING “oh, what a beautiful morning, oh, what a beautiful day, everything’s coming up roses, everything’s goin’ my way” (((Hugs)))))
Wonderful words of wisdom, my friends.
Yes. THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP of the Highest Order. Seriously!! 🙂
Nancies: thank you for posting the Romans verse. Verily, I’ll tell you, it’s true!
After J left me in the circumstances he did, & after he wrote to me to say “i’m married. you & i are done forever. no need for further discussion” one of my friends from Sunday School called to tell me that “we” (I’d stopped going to SS & church for 3 months—just unable to face it) had studied Psalm 94 that Sunday. She thot it was appropriate for what J had done to me. I emailed the Psalm to him. One week later he emailed to say, “i’m being sued for about $25million. be thankful i never co-mingled our funds.” 🙂
” 1 The LORD is a God who avenges.
O God who avenges, shine forth.
2 Rise up, Judge of the earth;
pay back to the proud what they deserve.
3 How long, LORD, will the wicked,
how long will the wicked be jubilant?
4 They pour out arrogant words;
all the evildoers are full of boasting.
5 They crush your people, LORD;
they oppress your inheritance.
6 They slay the widow and the foreigner;
they murder the fatherless.
7 They say, “The LORD does not see;
the God of Jacob takes no notice.”
15 Judgment will again be founded on righteousness,
and all the upright in heart will follow it.
16 Who will rise up for me against the wicked?
Who will take a stand for me against evildoers?
22…the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
23 He will repay them for their sins
and destroy them for their wickedness;
the LORD our God will destroy them.”
Brokenpieces-don’t worry my baby. We all have to rant every once in awhile. I did a little bit of that myself on here for awhile. I’m sorry you had to come here but I’m glad you are here!
Thank you Oxy 🙂 I am really happy about moving but at the same time feel like crying. Such a weird mixed feeling…kinda makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I will be so much better when I am home. I think it is just really tough right now because I am here by myself with a ton of things to do to get ready for the move…he is not bothering me for now and he had a good time smearing me to his sister in law who was my good friend and now she hasn’t replied to anything I had sent to her so i haven’t been trying to contact her anymore. I guess she must have believed whatever lies he told her. She always said that maybe I was just her friend because of the connection she had to him and that was never the case at all but I would feel really bad if that is what she thinks. I bet he originally planted that seed in her mind to make her think that. The last time I heard from her was before Thanksgiving…the night that he had gone there to visit…so I know her not talking to me has to do with him and whatever he did OR maybe she is just tired of the whole situation. I don’t know. grrrr. Still not sure how to deal with that because I have her house key because I used to watch her pets for her when she was out of town. That is really causing me a lot of stress…I don’t know if I should call her or text her or what to do. Any suggestions? Just a big adjustment. If it were not for lovefraud…I would surely be in a much worse place right now with nobody to really talk to that would understand. Everybody would just say…what is wrong with you? Just don’t talk to him anymore..he is a jerk. Nobody but you guys gets that it is just not that easy. Thank you everybody!!!!
I will sing your song on the way to pick up all of my moving boxes tomorrow that the grocery store is saving for me. 🙂 I used to sing all the time before he came into my life…time to start getting back to me.
Thanks nolongernaive 🙂 I hope that once I get moved and away from all of this that I can somehow pay this forward. I don’t really feel like I can give advice to anybody since I am not really better yet myself although hopefully soon I will be…I guess I think why should someone listen to me if I don’t follow the same advice that I am giving to someone else. I don’t rant everyday although I probably could haha! …just occasionally when I feel a little weak…I post a good long rant or two…it makes me feel better to get it out. It has been about 3 1/2 years for me now and I am finally getting out and away from him. In a way…I feel like the spath…taking taking taking but not giving anything back. I am so worried now about what people think of me that I drive myself crazy and I have no self confidence whatsoever anymore. I feel like I have to explain and justify every single thing I do. Even though I don’t really give much advice, I hope that my blogs that I post of what has happened to me…will let others know that they aren’t alone. It always helps me when I read others stories because it makes it all seem so much more believable to me of what he really is when I read about all these other spaths that act the same exact way and say and do the same exact things. Usually when people post things that the spath has actually said…I have heard the exact same thing word for word from mine. It is just so strange and so hard to relate to and understand how someone could be this way since we are not like they are but I get it. Just because I get it though doesn’t mean that it doesn’t mess with me. Not that I would ever want anybody else to feel the way that I do…but…it made me realize after reading everybody elses stories that I am not crazy or the one with the problem because mostly everybody else on here reacted the same exact way that I did to the spath. What a complex game. I don’t know how they do it.
brokenpieces-you will eventually get to that point where you can offer encouragement to others. We all feel a little weak sometimes. For awhile I was taking and taking and not giving anything back. I also have that problem of worrying that I have to justify what I do. I have a hard time taking a joke from people and I seem too serious. I just lost a lot of my social skills cuz I was so isolated in my relationship with my former spath. If people haven’t been through it, they don’t understand. I have tried talking to others about it in the past and they look at me like I have three heads. I don’t know how they do it either.