Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Oxy, I love that story, especially since I was a previous one of her sources. And listened to all the things she couldn’t do, because of reasons that were so odd and unlikely, while she went on and on about how terrible her life was. I’ve never met anyone so resistant to getting her life under control.
I’m checking out of here to do some grocery shopping and a bit of work. I just wanted to thank you again for your responses to my posts over the last few days. And for the enjoyment and inspiration I’ve gotten from yours, as well as other people’s.
A monster hug to you and everyone else here —
Kathy
ATL Mom,
Thank you for the response. I am no longer with the Spath. I was just regressing back to the relationship and realizing that they BOTH were Spaths and fed on each other. I was pulled in as their “batting toy”. I almost lost my mind. At first, I thought this poor man and the wench he was married to, (I had been with him for 7 years), but this last year was the clencher for me. When he was with me, she would text with such manipulating phrases, and he would bite. I truly believe they both loved the constant drama, trying to out-do each other. I am so glad to be out of that relationship. I sit back now and smile at the thought of the two of them berating each other, beating up on each other, and all the other nonsense that goes into a Spath relationship. Not only that, but they have a 12 year old son, that has all the symptoms of being a spath. I AM FREE OF THE CRAZINESS! Praise God!
Thank you Ox Drover and No Longer Naive!
Dear Kathy,
I was very proud of myself actually for keeping a “clinical distance” from this woman….she IS very bright, and IS very talented, but she is so manipulative, and I actually think that with her entitlement she BELIEVES she was victimized…I think many of them actually believe they are being mistreated.
One of the things that “hit me” like a ton of bricks as I was listening to her the day she left–I had told her that she had to leave TODAY because I have enough experience in “firing people” from jobs that you don’t give them “notice” of leaving, you tell them they must leave now and escort them off the company property–I actually gave her a few bucks cash to buy gas, as I wasn’t sure if she had gas money to get to the next town and I wanted to make sure she DID have enough to get away.
She immediately went into “you have mistreated me mode” and the “I am a poor victim, probably dying with cancer” (no joke on that one, she really tried to play that card!) but as I watched her twist in the wind trying to find SOMETHING that would hook me in and make me feel sorry for her, I realized I wasn’t BUYING any of it at all, and I didn’t feel the pity for her, she was UNABLE TO CONNECT to me emotionally.
I wonder if that is the way the psychopaths feel when we are begging them on our knees to stop hurting us, I wonder if that emotional disconnect I felt for her is the way THEY FEEL all the time? I don’t think it was “wrong” or “bad” for me to not fall for her FAKE PITY PLAY, it just made me wonder if that disconnect was how my egg donor felt when I was begging her to stop accusing me of lies, and devaluing me.
I do know one thing, though, is that when we see that someone’s WORDS DO NOT MATCH ACTIONS then we need to be careful about them.
Sure, not all real victims act rationally to help themselves, I know I didn’t, I was and appeared crazy as a sheet-house rat, but I was never USING others or trying to TAKE from them, so I think we can learn from the fact that there ARE “gasoline and fire” relationships in which there are two disordered people who take turns being the abuser and the victim, but in reality, they are BOTH abusers.
I also know that sometimes even legitimate victims will strike out at the hand reached out to help them up. The pain of their injury is so acute that event he thought of someone touching them is more than they can bear.
I remember a physical injury I had once where I slipped and fell hitting my shin on some brick steps and immediately raised up a grapefruit sized bruise and blood blister, and my husband reached out a hand to help me up and I SCREAMED AT HIM “Don’t touch me!!!!!” I was in so much pain I lashed out at the very man who loved me and was reaching out to help me. It happens, but it doesn’t KEEP ON HAPPENING AND HAPPENING in a true victim I don’t think. Eventually, they get the idea that you are not attacking them.
I’m glad that Erin/nolongernaive eventually saw that no one on here was attacking her, but frankly I didn’t feel even at the time that her striking out was anything but a great deal of pain (excuse me for speaking of you in the third person nolongernaive) In fact, many if not most times here when there is someone striking out in pain, I think it is just that, they are in SO much pain that they strike out at the hands reached out to them.
When a troll comes by here, too me, it is much easier to see that that troll is out to offend others “on purpose” whereas someone who is in pain may strike out or feel that they have been insulted or ignored, etc. or even name call but I can’t explain it any better than that, it is more a “feeling” than something objective if that makes any sense.
In any case, I seldom get my feelings hurt any more or come across with an ’emotional’ response about someone’s being upset with me. I guess I’m just getting to the point where when someone gets upset with me, if they are not an important part of my personal life and the “upset” is not a valid point where I have been “tacky” to someone, then I just don’t sweat it.
Now, that I have said that, watch me fall of that wagon! LOL
Oxy-I really appreciate what you said in reference to me because I was in pain. I don’t want anyone to think that I am trying to make excuses for my behavior. The next day I re-read the things that I said and felt really terrible about it. I tried to apologize but I didn’t think anyone really wanted to hear it at that point so I just quit the blog. I knew that one day I would come back. I was trying to come out of the PTSD and my head was confused-on top of it all, I had a head injury which made me worse. Believe it or not, I still have some lagging issues from that. My short term memory really sucks right now. Oxy, I think you call it CRS? I know that feeling now. LOL. I’m just glad you didn’t take it personally and I am at that point where I just want to help and build up others. I’m not stuck in serial victim mode anymore. I am more positive than I’ve been in years and I am branching out to do new things. I am looking into learning how to hunt like my daddy!
oxy, that is frightening. considering she immediately lashes out after your having provided all of that for her- and she considers herself your victim after all that- well i don’t even know what to think. When i think of psychos, i think of backward reactions, and that was the epitome of one. She considers herself your VICTIM because she’s no longer being allowed to take advantage of you, well how’s that for logic.
Dear nolongernaive,
Sugar, I didn’t take it personally, because I have reached out and struck out in my own pain, and I know that feeling. It sucks! There was a time though when I was in such pain myself I didn’t know if I was coming or going. If someone argues with you when you are in that state of mind though, you are not ready to receive it, even if it is totally meant in love.
I get hit here every once in a while for being a know it all old biddy and I don’t take it personally. Those that know me here on this blog and have been here a while pretty well don’t take offense at what I say and those that do just blow me off. That’s okay too. My feelings are not hurt because I know that it isn’t “personal” at all it is coming from the PAIN inside.
When I was RAW myself it did hurt, but I’m not there any more, I’m not so RAW now that if someone touches me it hurts. None of us like to hear what we don’t want to hear and sometimes we respond with anger or fear and strike out.
I’m just glad that you are doing better. Reaching out to others will help you as you CONTINUE YOUR GROWTH toward healing. Remember it is a journey, not a destination. I know you have goals along that journey, but as you reach for those goals, just enjoy the journey between those goals. That is LIFE!!! and it is good! (((hugs))))
ps. the CRS (can’t remember sheet) is real, and I know it, and it frustrates me sometimes but I’m working around it and not letting it depress me. It is a fact. It is real, but I’m still OK!
Dear DancingNancies,
But that is what a psychopath does! That is so typical. It just was not a romantic relationship or even a friendship, but just a helping hand reached out. But that is what psychopaths do at every opportunity, and she had about run out of opportunities. She had abused so many others (or tried to and failed to succeed at the abuse) she was almost living on the street, only one step above it. The thing is she was so TYPICAL. Didn’t want to work so had excuses of why she couldn’t look for a job. Didn’t want to clean up behind herself so she found reasons why she shouldn’t have to. Unfortunately too many times our “good intentions” are over whelmed and we ALLOW these people to hook into our desire to “be nice” and to “be helpful” and we ALLOW these people to take advantage of our “good nature.” That is called ENABLING THEM…doing for them what they are responsible and ABLE to do for themselves.
I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to get hooked into the CIRCLE of “trying to help and failing and trying harder to help” only to become frustrated and angry at the person I am trying to help, and to have them become angry with me….I didn’t fall into the TRAP of enabling her. I offered her ASSISTANCE and she DECLINED to take advantage of it, and I saw she was not going to take advantage of it, and I stopped offering her assistance. End of story. Nice gesture on my part, and good observation that she was NOT PROFITING FROM MY OFFER OF ASSISTANCE. In other words, she would NOT help herself.
Even God helps those who help themselves, so I save my PITY for animals who have been abused and those innocent children who are abused by adults…everyone else can take some responsibility for themselves and take advantage of the opportunities presented to help themselves. I am now LEARNING to spot the differences between those who try to help themselves and those who want to be mooches….the psychopaths.
You guys should check out this video i found a while ago. Shows a psychopath CAUGHT and then being confronted by the friends of someone she took advantage of ( From Neurological Correlates Blog, “The woman in the video allegedly fabricates a fake man and uses that as a tool to seduce an innocent woman into falling in love. This apparently goes on for something like a year and a half. The video shows the denouement fascinating.” ) . Notice the behavior..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmPDGZPnYl0
A female friend of the victim goes, “Is there anything you want to say to her? You destroyed her life for two years.”
The man, friend of the woman who was taken advantage of goes, “You could apologize.” in response to her stagnation.
The P says, “Well you wouldn’t be TAKING it the right way.” ( P-Speak : I wouldn’t be able to convince you guys of my LIE so what’s the point?!)
Someone goes, “Why do you do this shit?”
The P responds in an innocent voice, “Why do you do what you do. I’m not doing anything!”
He ( Another friend) says, “You’re destroying people’s lives!”
The P says : “I’m not destroying anyone’s life.”
anyway, there’s more in the video, it’s really appalling, notice how she laughs when confronted with serious accusations, and tries to minimize the “scale” of her actions.
It’s also kind of funny, because they all know she isn’t a victim, yet the tone of her voice suggests that she is trying to come across as one. She is immobilized, and outnumbered ( you know she would be tripping over herself spewing more lies if she only had one person to convince! ) and thus powerless.
The author of the Neurological Correlates blog wrote a very insightful commentary regarding this here : http://neurologicalcorrelates.com/wordpress/2007/10/15/film-of-a-probable-psychopath-caught/
hey dancingnancies – the woman she conned is suing her for fraud.
and the best bit is that lying sack of shit getting all uppity about the dupes friend’s saying that she conned her for 2 years…’NOOOOO, it was 18 months.’
i am getting angry just thinking about it. evil effing lying sack of crap c***.