Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Onestep,
low thyroid can make you intolerant of the cold weather. Even sub-clinical low thyroid.
Also low-seretonin makes it hard to regulate body temperature, so that cold or hot are uncomfortable.
Are you taking any SSRI’s?
hi sky –
thanks for asking. I am not cold other places, usually quite the opposite. it’s just cold in here 🙂 we had a big turn in the weather over the last week, and i am working at home right now, so i am cold day/ night long if i don’t go out.
mind you, i do respond this way to saunas sometimes – stay cold for awhile. i haven’t had that response to the infrared saunas i have been taking to detox, but it might have something to do with it.
i take medication for hypothyroid – and i have it monitored closely. i am having some trouble with digestion and that will affect absorption of thyroid meds, so I am also taking l-tysrosine.
(SSRI’s are horrible drugs for me, so obviously serotnonin isn’t one of my issues. The first one I tried gave me visual hallucinations that lasted 2 days – on 1/2 the lowest dosage. It was quite funny – i became really attracted to colors: my pulsing purple doc martins were endlessly fascinating, as were the wavering swaths of white wall at the pharmacy!)
the landlord will turn the heat up a bit, as he agrees it’s cold in here (that’s some kind of miracle, he’s a big time gaslighter). but, i do need to buy some new house slippers too. I have some sheepskin and could make some, but it’s at the turd father’s house.
oxy – silk long underwear is the best! i haven’t had any in a while, it’s usually not that cold in this part of the country. I can’t wear wool close to my skin, but i can in outer layers, and i have pashmina shawls, and fleece. It’s not core body that’s cold, but nose, hands, feet, legs, etc. the hands and nose are hard to bundle (typing and breathing being important!) 🙂
Dear One_step,
Yea, I know, breathing is an addiction of mine too! LOL Have you tried the fingerless gloves? Also, wearing a HAT even indoors helps conserve heat in your entire body. There is a tremendous amount of heat lost through our heads. My son and I wear caps inside even and it does help us feel “warmer” and I also keep a pot of boiling water on the stove (5 gallon stainless steel big pot) simmering to keep the humidity about 65-70% and the perception of warmth is much nicer when the humidity is higher.
In the winter time the RELATIVE % of water in the air is lower PLUS the ACTUAL amount of water in the air is lower (cold air can hold less water than hot air) and because of my allergies and sinus surgeries I have to keep the air humid. The pot of water holds heat as well, and uses very little gas to heat it and maintain it at simmer level and it sure makes the room feel much more comfortable.
Right now it is like 28% humidity out side (I have a thermom + humidistat that reads both on the outside and inside electronically) and it makes it seem colder than the 47 degrees it actually is so I can adjust accordingly.
I’m, reading a great book right now on the importance of skin, and touch in our mental and physical health. It is an older book, but written by a physician and then later editions, very interesting book so far, and though nothing really “new” it is stressing the importance of how being connected by touch and how our skin connects us to the environment and how important that is to mental health as well as physical. Even self touching, such as rubbing your arms or legs or touching your face, or the clothing you have next to your skin feels to you, and can stimulate your need for touch.
I think many of us lack the human touch that as humans we are programmed to crave…I know I’ve always been a huggy person and never seemed to get enough hugs, or I guess maybe I’m like a dog and just have an insatiable appetite to be physically touched by other humans and animals.
The experiments done on the effects of touch in decreasing stress are remarkable (again, nothing new per se just reinforcing what I already knew) but reminds me to take advantage of the skin as a sensory organ and to (as appropriate) connect with others and touch myself even, to be aware of my need for tactile stimulation and connection. It does feel really nice to put on a silk garment next to my skin. Makes me feel “rich” and “pampered.”
I had a boyfriend try a rather amateurish version of this “washing machine” effect. He kept treating me as if I was being unreasonable.
One time, when we were in a cab, he was telling me where something was, and I disagreed. He then said my name, as a person would talk to a child, until he was able to interrupt me.
He repeatedly laughed at me while at dinner with his friends, as if I had said something kind of rude, if I said anything the least bit negative. (I think I said once, Isn’t Sarah Jessica Parker supposed to be gay?) He told me one time that one of his friends was very taken aback when I turned to her and said, “That movie was awful” in the theater. I did? I remembered her asking me what I thought, and I said I liked this and that, but I wasn’t convinced with so-and-so’s performance. That was it, he said. How strange, to give a whole “movie review” to a polite question! And to cut down a movie we had just seen, ruining their appreciation of it!
When I told him later that I didn’t like any of this and I wasn’t getting back together with him, he used the same excuse he used then: Somebody has to be your friend, strong enough to tell you when you screw up.
I didn’t buy it. In fact, I had been his friend for nine years before we had a deeper relationship, and I didn’t feel a thing when I dumped him. Not a thing. I still don’t.
Can someone ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME?
Ive just wasted an hour of my life which Ill never get back! trying to get on a site, and leave a blog, re Narcissists.I totally failed, it kept rejecting my password. Then I gota new password, same thing happened. So now I GIVE UP with that site! I was attempting to ask a question of site run by Kathy Krojko, someone on LF kindly pointed me in her direction recently. Now I find that this Kathy has died. Im sure youve ll heard my sad story re me taking younger spath daughter out to lunch on her 26th Birthday, giving her $1,000 from my late Mums estate,{shed died in Dec. 1992, and Cs Birthaday lunch was Feb. 1993.}
I also gave her gold earrings, french perfume,a sheaf of spring flowers, and a loving card. We had smoked salmon and champagne. She hada swim in the club pool, I was “air-kissed”on the cheek, and Ive never seen her from that day to this.!
Following this lovely lunch which I assumed shed enjoyed, two weeks later I got this horrible letter. telling me I was an “unfit Mother” and that she never wante dto see me again. To say I was shocked to the core is a n understatement.I am STILL not over all this, she has never once relented, and has forbidden me to see her 3 kids, now 14, 12, and 2 yrs old.I used to believe in Justice. I used to adore my daughter. She was probably spoiled, she wanted for nothing. ballet lesons, trips with the school,I was teaching full time and made sure both my girls had everything they wished for.Can ANYONE shed any light at all on WHY they behave like this? I did sort of grasp from kathy Krajkos site that giving them love makes them act worse. WHY? I know theyr not normal, I only want to ty to wrap my head ar ound what makes them behave in such cruel, inhuman ways. I know its about power. “one-up manship,”I can now see how easy it would be to kill 6 million Jews simply because
sickos were told they were worthless beings, lower than rats.
I adored my girls,but the last 26 years have been horrendous.
Im really no nearer to understanding how their sick minds work.
I was interested on Kathy Ks idea that no, Narcs really dont suffer,the only thing they cant stand is boredom, and the few times thy are alone, and maybe for a fleeting moment dwell on their cruel acts, they can easily brush them aside, and go look for a nother SUCKER as supply.Does anyone have any info re this idea that showing love to them makes them worse?
I cant get my head around it, even today.And Im so TIRED of people assuming,”You must have done something bad to her” NO!!
Love,
Mama gemXX
Gem,
they see love as a sign that you are weak.
That makes you prey. It makes the predator bloodthirsty, but since they prey on emotions, it makes them emotion-thirsty. So they act in ways that will make you emotional. Then, they watch your face, your voice, your agony and get off on it.
The best way for you to relate to it is when you go to the theatre and pay for your ticket. You expect drama, right?
You are thoroughly entertained by the drama, the more the better. If it’s good you can experience the actors’ emotions vicariously. As the drama reaches a climax you get caught up in it. You forget for a bit that it’s not real, not happening to you. When it ends, you feel like you’ve experienced a bit of catharsis, but you don’t really care what happens to the actor next, because he wasn’t real and you know it. It was just lights on a screen.
That is how a 2 year old percieves everything: Only they are real and everyone else is just an extension of them, meant to serve them. And you only exist while you are providing them something. Once you stop, you cease to exist, just as if you were an actor on TV providing drama, but now you’re boring so I’m changing the channel. Socipaths have the emotional depth of a two-year old.
Gem,
What has upset you so badly today? what did not being able to comment on the site trigger for you? (It’s possible that you can no longer comment on that site, or that comments are moderated, and may take a while to be looked at and posted).
I don’t know how their minds work – none of us really do. We watch their actions and know they are not normal. We endure what they have done to us, and we know they are not normal.
Coming to truly understand may never happen in our lifetimes.
We can work at knowing. and we can work at accepting they are as they are, and trying to heal ourselves through acceptance, and taking right action for ourselves.
I am sorry you are so panicked and triggered, and are into that rebound of ‘bad mom’ shit again. You know what Gem, even a bad mom doesn’t deserve the crap these creatures dish out. Even if one is a dysfunctional parent, one doesn’t deserve spathcrap.
(((hugs)))
one step
sky – your observations about the inner workings of spaths have such clarity and depth. If i ever date again, i am inviting you on the first 50 dates!
one step:
whooohooo! free food!
LOL. thanks one-step, you have been most helpful to me in trying to figure out what makes ME tick.
Being more complex than a sociopath, it’s harder to put my finger on that so your insights have been valuable. You’ve done the hard work. Looking inside yourself is really hard work and can be very uncomfortable. But it’s what must be done to grow up.
The two-dimensional socio can be observed doing all the things 2 year olds do. Piece of cake. 🙂
Dear Gem,
One is right, there is no way we can know for sure how they think, any more than we can know for sure how our dog or cat thinks, but we can observe how they ACT….
I think Sky’s description of going to a movie or theater is right on, they are not what they appear to be it is a ROLE they play—what makes them start this out? genetics and environment probably, but nothing we can do to change their mind. They have choices and I do think that showing them “love” they perceive as making us bigger patsies and wimps that they can use and abuse without getting hurt back in return.
Last night I caught my cat up on the kitchen counter. She’s not bad at doing that but she KNOWS it is not tolerated and I heard her jump up there and I got up quietly with a bamboo back scratcher in my hand and sneaked in there and flipped on the light and just as she saw me and jumped I NAILED HER a good one with the back scratcher while she was in mid air jumping down.
It will be a GOOD LONG WHILE before she gets back up there again because I NAILED HER A GOOD WHOPP! Psychopaths are sort of like that (some of them anyway) and if you NAIL THEM A GOOD WHOP they will sort of back off for a while and say “You know, I better not do that and get caught!” Just like a cat!
Now my doggies will never disobey me deliberately because they WANT TO PLEASE ME but the CAT????? Nah, she’s a psychopath and she gets by with what she can get by with and she could care less if I’m pleased or not, but she doesn’t like to be whopped either!
So if you show “love” to the psychopath then they will take it as a “get out of trouble” or “get mom to fix it” or “take advantaqe of old Gem” but they are not ever going to want to please you.
If you pith them off too, they go crap in your bed! So I’ll keep my bedroom door shut til the cat gets over her pout!@....... LOL (((hugs)))