Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Dear FAD,
Darling welcome to the reality of “family courts” and INSANITY! Yes, I hear you, and I don’t think it is your attorney that is the problem it is that jerkface is a psychopath who is willing to torture you with your son and it has been that way from the get go since you first came to LF–you ARE handling it better though, and I KNOW you get TIRED of the chit!~ T*I*R*E*D of it all. It wears you out, but you are making progress —think about how CRAZY you got when you first got here when he would jerk you around—you may be tired now but you are NOT INSANE AND TIRED! ((((Hugs)))) LOL and as your boy gets older and requires less care physically (no diaper bags and such) it should lighten up a BIT.
He will get a job sooner or later, it wouldn’t surprise me if he took a voluntary lay off (I would check with his employer about that if possible) just in order to get “more time” —I just thought of that as I was typing this and I know that sometimes people can volunteer for a lay off rather than get a random one..or it might have been a “we can’t fire you but we can lay you off” type thing. I think he is a security guard isn’t he?
What should you do? I wish I had a magic answer, but there isn’t one except “continue to do the best you can” and love that Little boy! (((Hugs))))
Dear FAD –
Poor girl! x. I agree with Oxy although if you already have a parenting order registered with the court, surely “your” days are “your” choice as to where your son is? That’s how it works here in Oz. On “your” days, if you have to work, it is up to you whether to leave Junior in daycare or with a friend (of YOURS) or a relative until you have finished work. Check if this is so where you live. If so, stick to your guns – don’t be bullied into leaving your child with his father just because he is calling the shots that way.
Your custodial entitlement is still valid, regardless of his loss of employment. I suspect he is attempting to trick you into giving in to his plan (which you might do in order to avoid being percieved as “unreasonable” by the court) so that he can build up a pattern of care which he will then take into court to argue against you for a greater share of the child’s custody. EVERYTHING they think, say or do is always a part of their masterplan. Don’t fall for it. Stick to your guns and leave the daycare (on YOUR days) the same. Say (with the greatest fake sweetness you are able to muster) that you don’t want to risk losing the daycare place because you “know he will soon find more work”. Take some leave from your own work over this period if you are able. If that won’t work, enquire about a temporary cut in your hours (see if you can “job share” with someone else for a few months, until the slime-bag backs off and gets tired of the game).
Dahlrich –
RUN LIKE HELL and don’t look back. If you can’t get out of selling the bike to him because there is already a written contract, then cut your losses and tell yourself you had a lucky escape and that your life lesson has only cost you what is has (ie: the $ he has taken so far, plus the bike if he ends up with it). If there is no contract per se, then just tell him (a) you have changed your mind and (b) you never want contact from him again.
It’s only STUFF – it’s not your mind or your sanity or your life.
Your gut is SCREAMING all of this at you or you would not have come here and posted. Close your eyes, take and deep breath and LISTEN to your own intuition – it will not fail you. xx
FAD,
time to do as EB does: back-spath.
the grandparents will help.
remember how you decided that your baby is going to be a model? well, it’s time to schedule modeling classes. grandparent will be taking him. also, piano classes, math classes, whatever classes. keep the kid busy. grandparents or friends will drive while you work.
Thank you for the affirmation and encouragement. I will check this site probably daily for awhile. It is reassuring to know others “know” the addiction and that with time, prayer & a network like this, that healing can begin.
I just found out this morning that my new job is falling through. I was supposed to set up at home with a company doing business from home (in a company I used to be employed with) but this morning the phone company says it is not possible at my address. I already quit my other job.
I have a feeling – like it or not – life is going to completely change. Not sure what to do or where to go next?
Dear Dahlrich,
Well, you may have to rent office space somewhere else or move, but check with phone co before you rent a space, but it wouldn’t have to be much of a space, so maybe it is still possible. Don’t despair! Or maybe your old job will keep you on for a while, check ALL your options! (((hugs))))
aussiegirl,
Unfortunately we have a provision in the agreement called “4 hour first refusal” which means the custodial parent will offer for the other parent to watch the child before putting him in third-party care.
I am hoping and praying that my attorney is right and that he will not be able to keep his regular visitation schedule on top of being “day care”.
Thank you.
I need all the good thoughts, hugs and encouragement I can get.
Oxy, did you get your surprise yet?
FAD
So here’s my dilemma . . .
I have a long detailed e-mail that I wrote of my ex-husband’s 10 years of cheating (bi-sexual affairs, Craigslist ads, cross-dressing, swinger clubs, communication with online lovers, transvestites, men, women, couples, and even photos of himself he sent to others — all this I had found in a secret e-mail account months after he left me for another woman).
I sent it to the now gf (the woman he left me for . . . he was having a full-blown affair for nearly a year — and btw she comes from a wealthy family and she’s been married 3x before).
The e-mail described to her in detail how he not only cheated on me, but has ALWAYS cheated on her as well as I have proof that his behavior continues even now.
Well despite the e-mail it seems that they are as strong as ever. He’s living with her now, and they are spending the holidays together . . . she with his family, and then him with hers.
Either she’s as crazy as he is, or she is in denial like I was, or she automatically deleted my e-mail not wanting to know, or he intercepted before it could get to her.
At first I was ok with it . . . because I told myself that I finally got it off my chest (as I’ve held onto this information for now a year). Too, I thought if she wants to “pretend” that he’ll be different with her, then that’s her problem not mine.
But, now he’s playing his non-stop manipulative games with me and my two boys. And I so want to expose . . . not just to her, but her family and his family (which includes an elected official — his mother . . . and if his behavior ever came to light could really make some headlines as he, too, was a public official and participated in this behavior while on the job).
Am I crazy?
I feel so good about doing it . . . and then while it’s going through my brain of how/when/where, I locked myself out of my house (along with my car keys!) So is God telling me something?
Too . . . I worry he could go over the edge. Not sure what his reaction would be. Could he hurt my boys while he has them alone for his week-long holiday visitation . . . . could he run off with them? Would he stop paying child support?
I had to talk with my lawyer this morning . . . he had his lawyer contact mine because of a tiff we’ve been having (long story short . . . he’s not paying his scheduled child support, nor has he shown me proof of health insurance for my boys (he was recently fired from his job — and his new job doesn’t provide insurance for 90 days). As a result I threatened to not bring the boys for drop-off on Christmas Day — which btw she’ll be there (lovely! I’ve never met the woman face-to-face and doing so for the first time on Christmas Day is not my ideal). Too, I said if no health insurance, he can’t take them on his planned skiing trip (which she is paying for btw). So thus the lawyers today.
My lawyer said I’m not required to bring boys for visitation as we don’t have a court-order, as it is a mutually agreed contract. Thus he could sue me for breach of contract (visitation), and I could sue him for breach of contract (child support and he quit paying alimony months ago). Attorney said state law does not recognize no child support = no visitation as they believe the child is hurt from not seeing the non-paying parent. She advised however that I play nice . . . because if I ever do need sue for breach of contract, I need to be able to show how I have always played by the rules.
While I had her on the phone I asked if he could sue me for slander or defamation of character (he says he could if I shared any personal information like the e-mail I want to send). Her response was no he could not sue if its true. I didn’t tell her the whole story (the information I have on him) . . . but her advice like everyone else is “let it go, move on with your life.”
But can I . . . will I?????
I’m so sick of his games . . . this all started when I asked if he needed my bank account number to do direct deposit of his child support payment on Friday. His first response, “it’s not due until next week.” Once again his way of trying to make me crazy . . .I double-checked the calendar and reminded him his last payment was the 10th, and the next scheduled payment is the 24th. Then his response was “I don’t get paid until Dec. 30th.” No apologies, no can we work something out . . . just an f-u.
Then the fireworks . . . . .
He has ruined my Christmas present and Christmas pasts . . . and I want to ruin his. He’s gotten away with so much for long, I just want to see justice. Is it for me to give, or should I just let a higher power do the work?
Dear woodrow –
You are NOT crazy and no, God isn’t trying to tell you anything by locking you out of the house!
We all feel crazy because of them – and we all come okay again in time. You are right in the thick of it, so you are raw and stressed. Locking yourself out of the house is about the distress and trauma and betrayal you are feeling; it’s normal and it will pass in time.
Keep whatever “evidence” you have. This might not be the opportune time to use it, but never throw anything out that might prove invaluable somewhere down the track. Anything you decide to “archive” (for possible later use), place in a sealed plastic storage box, so you don’t have to keep tripping over it or trying to remember where it is, or having to make yourself feel sick because you face it on a daily basis. Keep it organised – it will help you to hold yourself together.
I am still rediscovering things I stashed in just such a box 4 years ago, “just in case”. In preparing for an upcoming trial for property settlement, I am finding a use for bits and pieces that I did not even recall putting in the box in the first place. A copy of your email (saved to a disc and accompanied by a printed version) might well fall into this category at this time. I understand the overwhelming desire to whistle-blow – I’m right there myself, as are many of us. Others have done so with great success (in that they have helped other victims to escape AND had a little revenge for themselves), still others have had things backfire and blow up in their faces. In the end, you will know what is right for YOU.
One of EB’s quotes – that “revenge is a dish best served cold” – now rings true for me with the things I must handle in relation to my ex-husband spath. Yes – I can report him for insurance fraud; but if I do it now, before a Family Law Court property settlement, I risk my own assets (still not considered legally divided from his) being confiscated to pay his fines when he goes down (and I am DETERMINED that he WILL go down).
I am enraged to discover that for 7 years I washed the bastard’s feet and chopped the firewood and pulled his socks and undies up for him – when he didn’t actually need me to do any of that for him, and the back injury he told me had happened at work just before I met him, was actually a 14-year pre-existing condition acquired while surfing….but not so enraged that I can’t stop and plan exactly when best to report him. After our property settlement is finalised (within the next 6 – 12 months), if he goes down for fraud, my home and my vehicles will be untouched. He should lose everything and might even end up in the clink.
Now THAT would be a happy ending to this story!!!!
You need to clear your head and work out what your own “happy ending” needs to look like. Work out the order in which it should proceed and plan towards that end. You might well decide that the email needs to be sent where you now want to send it – but that somewhere later down the track will actually be more effective in your case. Or, you might decide not to use it at all. It’s not something you need to decide right now. If you are wavering, then the timing is not right for the decision to be made.
Put it in “the box”. Organise your thoughts. Plan your survival first, and then your attack if you still need one. Remember to breathe. xx
Woodrow:
Aussie is spot on with her advice to you.
Only ‘we’ can decide the timing…….and the worth factor.
We need to address the reasons…..why, with honesty and clarity.
Sometimes we can conclude….it’s JUST not worth it.
Time is our friend. Patience and self control are lessons here.
When we feel we must do something NOW…..that is when it’s time to STOP ourselves …..those situations rarely pan out well.
When we think and ponder on a certain decision we often come up with a different approach.
I will tell you……stopping my initial desires to react has served me well.
You said…..he has ruined Christmas’s past and current……and you want the same for him. The best game is to rise above……never show your cards. As long as he knows he’s getting to you…..he;ll continue.
If he’s not current on CS, report it…..each time. build a case and only strike when the case is built.
Expect the cs delays……and in the meantime…..get the court order. Put your energy there.
Try and not get so ticked about each nugget he throws at you……learn to EXPECT it…….
You asked him if he wanted your bank infor…….it opened the door for him to NOT give you the answer you were looking for.
Find his weak points and harvest those. Build on them…..and learn the backspath.
Going ‘public’ with exposure isn’t (IMHO) going to serve you well at this point……it will only backfire, make you look like the crazy biatch HE’s described to everyone……don’t push that envelope.
Your also appearing to want immediate satisfaction……did you expect the ngf to move out and call you to hash out hotdiggidy’s sex preferences and escapades? Don’t count on it. You’ll NEVER see the reactions to the seeds you plant. Don’t wait for the sights or expect them to come your way.
Now your worrying about did she get it, did he intercept, did she go to him……yadayada……this is a prime example of doing something ‘off the cuff’……..if your going to backspath, you must also KNOW the ending. If you don’t KNOW the ending….don’t do it!
Patience is of virtue…..it was one of the hardest lessons I learned…….but had the biggest long term benefit!
I sit, think, ponder……and not always have a reaction…..
I ask myself……’why’ am I doing this……and ‘what’ can come from this.
Btw…..Aussie….. that quote is not from me, I can’t take credit. But it’s a good one!
Dear Woodrow,
There is research that shows that when we have been injured that “revenge” thoughts are NORMAL and that also when we are having revenge thoughts that the PLEASURE CENTERS of our brains get chemicals that make us FEEL GOOD…..so your wanting and desiring revenge is a NORMAL FEELING AND YOU WOULDN’T BE NORMAL IF YOU DIDN’T, however…..that said…..revenge is not a dish best eaten when we are HOT (VERY ANGRY) we should look at our own motivations and how we are becoming LIKE THEM, not like good and caring people that we would want our children to be.
Thoughts of vengeance also COARSEN our spirits and our feelings, and frankly, make us feel hateful and bad, so I agree with the Bible’s take and that is “vengeance is mine saith the Lord” not because the psychopaths don’t DESERVE vengeance, but because thinking about vengeance is a corrosive feeling to have. It eats away at US, not them. It is like we are DRINKING POISON and EXPECTING THEM to die.
Justice versus vengeance is another matter.
If you see someone rob your house and you call the police and the police arrest them and try them and send them to jail.
Did you get justice? Did you get vengeance? Yes, to both.
If you see someone rob your house and you go and burn down their house.
Did you get justice? NO. Did you get vengeance? Yes. But you are as bad as they are really.
If you see someone rob your house and you call the police and they do nothing, or the person gets off in court. Did you get Justice? Maybe not. Did you get vengeance, no. But still you did the best you could.
I think that part of what makes us so ANGRY at the BETRAYAL of our confidence and our love is just that, the BETRAYAL. If someone who doesn’t know us robs us, we are angry but we don’t feel SLIMED. But when someone we know and trusted and loved robs us or betrays us, we feel like we have SLIME smeared all over us. It is WORSE than a stranger doing it.
What he is doing to you is NOT FAIR. It is NOT right. You have every right to be ANGRY because you have suffered an INJUSTICE. I don’t think that taking revenge though will make you feel any better. It is like stirring a pot of chit, no matter how carefully you stir it, it splashes on you and you end up smelling like chit.
I suggest that you keep the evidence you have of his wrong doing, and that you use it to DEFEND yourself and to SEEK JUSTICE in court, rather than just trying to get vengeance. I think that JUSTICE will feel better in the end for you and you can hold your head up higher.
I too have wanted revenge, but it isn’t a dish that tastes very good in the end, it leaves a BITTER AFTERTASTE and sometimes makes you sick as well. God bless.