Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
I was the OW with my ex boyfriend and it was the MOST horrible experience of my life. I wanted to die from the guilt of it. The ex’s wife called me too but she had her psycho alcoholic friend from out of town call me and threaten me on the phone.l That was scary. I had to change my phone number and email cuz they wouldn’t leave me alone. I was relieved to be out of the relationship even though I was totally destroyed. I wanted him and didn’t want anything to do with him at the same time. He had also promised me forever and for a baby when he was living with me. I thank God that I didn’t have his child-I would still have a tie with him and he would have used that for eternity.
I feel a little stupid now that this woman has managed to hook me after all that I learned here after getting over him. I am so totally over him-even though it took close to 2 years. I am bothered that I am now having to deal with being hooked after I thought I was getting so good at recognizing red flags. I guess that the females are different and maybe I was not expecting it with a female. It is going to be really difficult and a lot of hard hard work to deal with her. I just realized this weekend when I found out what she was that I am so trauma bonded from childhood. I just wish I knew why they make you want them so bad. I am having a hard time still with wanting her so bad and knowing what she is and how harmful she would be if I were with her. I wish I could stop wanting her.
A list of tendencies in ex spath:
The cold, fish eye or lizard eye. Seemed like a sad look when I first met him but later I realized it was coldness. He has nothing to be sad about. He has all his needs met and lives a leisured life.
Never any lovebombing as if that was beneath him and all the sweet words, compliments had to be directed at him not coming from him. Nothing at first but some compliments as the relationship continued. They were very benign like “I like your shoes” never wow you look beautiful.
Would not kiss except to greet me when I arrived for an “evening” with him. It was always just a quick peck. He would not share deep, loving kisses. Once I was kissing him good bye, when I opened my eyes he was staring at me like “are we done yet”?
No hand holding. If I reached for his hand, he would pull it away. Also when we would walk together I would put my arm in his arm and he would stiffen like a board. I could tell he did not like that. Later he said he did not like a woman to “hang on him”. He would take my hand and gently lead me into the house (which always meant sex). Any physical “affection” was during the act.
Once I asked him something “do you like that?” while we were having sex and he said rather abruptly “don’t expect me to talk while I’m having sex!”
Once I asked him to look at me during sex he said “no, that really freaks me out!” I told him I wanted my presence to be acknowledged. He replied” I am acknowledging you. I ‘m holding you aren’t I”? Once he said he knows “women like to be held after sex” so he wanted to hold me but it was very contrived and did not feel warm or genuine just like it was part of a play book.
Before and after sex he had to have wine and pot. Once the act was over he would get up and quickly get dressed like “well that’s done”.
The first time I was with him sexually after it was over he stayed observing me from the foot of the bed. I was still a bit woozy (from pot) but I was aware of his fish eye like he was monitoring me. Reminded me of a medical examiner assessing a corpse on the gurney. Very weird. I could practically hear his thoughts “what’s she going to do?” Very very surreal and weird.
While he was “courting me” he withheld sex for eights months!
After sex we would sit and he would talk and talk about his childhood, his parents, his siblings, particularly his mother. He was actually quite comical in his remembrances and we laughed a lot (which also forms bonds). He NEVER once asked me about my life, past etc. I felt like an analyst with a client on the couch.
He told me about his favorite uncle and how when he was a boy he would hide to watch him and his aunt have sex and how funny it was to see their big asses in the air. His uncle took him to prostitutes when he was a boy/young man. The uncle was a womanizer and he (spath)bragged how he had younger women up into his eighties up until the time he died. Spath is in his late sixties and his GFs are in their 50’s. Younger if he can get them.
Once we went to a very old Catholic church and we went in and crossed ourselves and he knelt to pray and he cried.
He was very generous with money and taking me to very nice places. He never exploited me financially but sexually and emotionally.
He had moments where he could be sweet and very cute but he always had that air that if you upset him it was over. He would say “I can’t stand women questioning me on my whereabouts. It’s a real turnoff!”
He is devilishly handsome in a Cary Grant way even as an older man and he uses his smile to get away with murder.
I never crossed him so I can’t say what he was like in a fight and after all of the above I was not with him very long. I never lived with him. I can only imagine how bad he can really be.
The strangest things of all were once he was telling me about his 4 year old granddaughter and how she wanted to sleep outside and he told her no she would freeze her vagina and he laughed. And how once when he was young he went to the river with a male friend and they went swimming in the river and he was reminiscing on how beautiful his friend’s body was.
He never was indiscreet about the other women in his life directly but when I would go to his house I would see a woman’s pair of glasses or a note to himself to buy “two tickets”. But he would make little comments about how “fun it is to have a secret or two”.
He was immaculately clean (which I have read indicates moral shame) and he has no qualms about going outside in the buff or lounging in the buff. He does not care who sees his body.
He NEVER once gave me as much as a card but he loved to get them and once thanked me profusely and beamed how he loved his card!
He loved to keep me in a state of confusion and would on occasion leave me hanging with a meal I was bringing to him or for a date and then say “did I say we were going to get together?” Could have been all the pot or his old age!
He was fantastic in bed for an old dude. Could come three times in one evening and not even be phased. Of course Viagra is the reason but huge sexual appetite and high testosterone.
I never called him or initiated plans. He always did. Once I found out for sure about the other women I dumped him. I would often snap back at him and not let him put me down. He would back off like a little boy. I was not a wimp with him but I was very cautious to not upset him. I did not want to see the real him. I liked the shallow version better.
I share all of this because maybe something I have said here will sound familiar and to compare just how similar these people are. And to remind me just why I left him. Oddly enough I loved him and I still want to see him at times. But I log on to LF and talk myself down. How can I love such a sicko?
adamsrib-yours was the complete opposite of mine except for the ability to have multiple orgasms. He would have 2-3 in a night or day with me but would praise me so much for doing it to him.
NoLARN2bCop – The way your dude used sex as a barometer… didn’t you know that you are worth WAY more than only to provide an orgasm? Were you, like me, an incest survivor?
So I will probably be on LF all night tonight. Today started out okay and now it is absolutely horrible. I cannt stop thinking of him. I wish he would die, jump off a cliff, get murdered etc….I am hurting so bad right now. I hate how they just get away with all this deception and games and then go on about their business as if I didnt even exist. It is not fair! I cant think of what a huge front he will put up for people having them think he is this and that, so great, such a considerate man and a giver. I KNOW THE REAL HIM! He is nothing. Gosh it hurts! 🙁
Yes KatyDid: We all were in love with THE LIE! The false hopes that things would maybe eventually get better….What a let down and IT HURTS!
Nola the thought has occurred to me that I WAS THE REASON for the good time!! LOL He would say “girl you are going to kill me”! Of course my reply would be “yeah but what a way to go huh”? I was often worried I would give ol fart a heart attack!
Katy-not that I’m aware of.
adamsrib-mine had already had open heart surgery 4 years before we got together. He was 53 and I was 36.
Katy-I always knew that I was more than just a way for an orgasm. He was just “so happy” because since he was diabetic and had heart surgery, he didn’t think he would satisfy me. He told me that the reason that his wife and he didn’t have sex anymore was that he couldn’t get it up after surgery. So when we got together and was having absolutely no difficulty, I guess he felt like a new man. He would always ask “what are you doing to me” and “I can’t believe what you’re doing to me”. I didn’t think I was any good at sex because I had very little experience and lost my virginity by sexual assault.
Something very odd happened today. I met with our new director, and he told me that he ‘had been an n’. excuse me? and WTF?
i suggested that that wasn’t the case. and then when he starting quoting the DSM (rightly or wrongly, i have no idea) i stopped trying to suggest otherwise.
he said that he had ‘had’ a false self driven by insecurity and lack of esteem and that he had been a perfectionist and tried to live for others all his life, and almost had a breakdown. that he ‘had a good talk’ with himself in his early 50’s and now he lives for himself and not others, and that he still has n traits (which he cited as rage, aggression, entitlement, resentment, perfectionism, workaholic (as part of perfectionsim), and inability to receive criticism without going to rage. (those are the ones i can remember))
well, to quote hens, ‘oh my’.
i thought he seemed like a compassionate person. a bit odd. and with some cognitive dysfunction (that’s an easy one to spot for me!). wasn’t yet sure what his oddness was about. he seems really scattered (waaay more scattered than i am, because he brought out the desire in me to ‘organize’ – and yes, that’s past tense. nipped that in the bud hopefully)
how terribly terribly odd this is. while i was writing what he said to me i realized it all reads like a big tell. it didn’t really feel that way when i was listening to him as i was integrating what he was saying with what i had seen of him so far (and he keeps ‘saying’ he is shy – hmmmm. but i have seen him in public and he IS shy…), and this seemingly kind man sitting before me. (i was also busy building a rather simple and elegant wall separating myself from him).
i was not into having this revealed to me. i think i may have mistaken his trying to real me in emotionally as emotional transparency and compassion.
i have been saying to others, ‘give him time,’ he’s got this and that good business quality, it takes time, yaddah, yaddah, yadddah. It stops now. And i will also not try to undermine him either. i just withdraw and try to do my work. i was wondering how i was going to adjust to his being director as i have had a board member as my de facto boss for months. i will just step back a bit and do my work. and plead being too busy to get involved in his long emails that are directly involved in the work i need to focus on.
is this true? is he an n? how does one stop being an n?
nola – i think he lied to you about the sex thing. all of it. it sooo sounds like a con.