Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
CrazyPsychoEx – welcome to LF. Getting ‘over’ this relationship is like no other relationship you may have (hopefully). The people here will ‘get it’. Talk it through.
OMG, Skylar!
You blew me away!
Everything you said—every single word— described this situation perfectly.
Even the analogy to the primordial brain. This man is that. He takes a very sick satisfaction in destroying others. I used to think it was because his own life was in the toilet, so he sought to bring others to that level as well. But it is more than that. He is not so focused on his own life as that of other people, especially those who do well. He cannot stand that…he looks to bring them down first.
Your suggestion not to over-analyze is well-taken. I do that. I try to put together the history. In some ways, it is kind of fun. But then when I come to an understanding I did not have before, it can be very sad. I realize yet one more way I was screwed over.
I will pick up the two books on narcissism you mentioned. I appreciate the references. Thank you!
The NC is a struggle. That sounds so stupid but it is. I am 2,500 miles away from the man and he still rents space in my head.
But I am going through the motions of building a new life, returning to school for a second career and making some new friends not associated in any way with my ex.
The Gift of Betrayal had some good exercises to work in order to change the negative thought patterns. So what I did this morning was to write down the common thoughts I have about him that make me sad. I then crafted an alternative thought to each one to begin re-wiring, if you will.
For example:
“He was my best friend” became “Best friends don’t talk about you badly to others, steal your car, lie to you in each conversation, empty your bank account and hurt you.”
I have about six of these statements with their alternatives, and I repeat them over and over, as the author of Gift instructed.
It is helping!
I also made a vow to a friend of my ex. This man has been incredibly supportive throughout the whole ordeal. He was as snowed by my ex as I was. Needless to say, they are no longer friends. But this man is an iman, a kind of Islamic priest. And somehow making a vow to him took things outside of me a little because I wasn’t sure I had the strength just yet to maintain NC.
I appreciate your concern, and your insights. Powerful stuff, Skylar! You are a smart gal!
Much appreciated!
Thanks, Candy. Is there a general chat area or do you just comment on articles, blogs???
CrazyPsychoEx – we chat here. The most recent posts come up on the top left. Keep an eye on the title you have posted under. Some people keep a written record – I’m not that organised!
The people here are good and we’re all ‘friends’ who have come together because of the spaths in our lives.
It’s a very supportive (sometimes funny) site. The others will be here later….different time zones. You will find a lot of GOOD people here. The site is monitored by Donna (who was a victim too)
We get a few trolls but the guys on here can spot them a mile off. We do not use names or give email addresses other than through Donna. So it’s relatively safe. Stay and learn.
Trimama,
I’m glad I could help. yes, they are primordial and the best analogy is that of Lucifer. He PREFERS to rule in hell rather than serve in heaven. In fact, I’d take it further than that and say he PREFERS rule in hell rather than RULE IN HEAVEN. Because in heaven he would see other people happy and he wants all happiness to himself, even though he can’t feel it. But he doesn’t want to be alone either, they can’t stand not getting attention, so they want to be with people who are suffering. It’s the most bizarre way of seeing the world. It took me this long – 2 years on may 17th – to finally see how they see.
sadme says:
I was with a sociopath for a year. Didn’t realize it till after he broke me. I found out that he only after our break up that he was a con artist. He was so very charming at the begining. I thought he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. He became every thing I wanted. How could someone be so perfect” he wasn’t he was just really good at what he did. He con me out of money and I still took him back three times. He had already moved on to his next victim within 12 days of us breaking up. He was engaged to the new victim within a month. He came back to me and said he was still in love with me. I believed him. Let him back three times. The last time he came back he stole the title to a car he said he would pay for. He left a note on my night stand and left, even though only 12 hours earlier he was talking about marrying me and we were looking at engagement rings on line together. He left me a note, the coward that he was, left me a note, telling me he was going to marry this other woman. He took the car, the money, and the title. He still owed me for money that he promised to pay back for his back child support. He thought he got away scot free, but I did catch up to him in the court of law. The judge ruled in my favor for the car money, but I still have to go back in front of the same judge for the money for the back child support for his children that I paid for him. He got me with paying for that when I was lossing my job, found out I had to have brain surgery and he told me that he would pay me back when he got this great truck driving job. He need the back child support to be paid so that he wouldn’t lose his license and wouldn’t beable to get that great truck driving job. He suckered me in to pay it. Played on my emotions, my trust, my belief that he was a man of his word.
As soon, as I paid for his back child support he started to threaten to leave me. I was shocked. What had happened. I was conned. He stayed around for a while, had a roof over his head, and being the sociopath that he was, he basted in the light of being the perfect boyfriend during my surgery and after. I believe he did it just to get out of working a job he didn’t like.
When I meet him he seemed like he was a good catch. He told me that he had a job, which now that I think back I wonder if he really did. I met him in Oct. he had to finally confess to me in Dec. that he had lost his job and ran out of money. I was so snowed by him, that when I asked where he would go when he left me to go to work, his reply was “you don’t want to know” I was so under his spell that I didn’t ask anymore. So, in the year we were together, he lost two jobs and had his car repoed. He had a new truck that was repoed only a couple months after we got together. He hadn’t made a payment on it since June. He moved from Virginia and told me about the crazy women that he was with and that he had to get away from them. I believed him.
I know believe that he stuck around because he thought he could get more of my money. When I said no, I was using my money to buy my own business. He was mad and said that that was going to be the end of us. He came into my life right after my divorce. He asked me to marry him within a week of knowing me. He was with me for about 3 weeks when I got a text from a woman wondering who I was. He had been seeing both of us. So to answer where he was, when he said he was at work. He was with another woman. He prayed upon me, as he did with other women. He prayed on a women in Tennesse and in Virginia, then who know so that aren’t on the radar. He was abusive to his ex wife and had only 2 friend, if you want to call them that. One he got pot from the other he smoked pot with. He talked bad about all my friends and he even started to say things about my sister. My friends and family did not like him, but put up with his crap cuz I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I was under his spell. He would always say “believe me” trust me” he would look in my eyes and make me believe in his lies. He has moved on to his new victim, I tried to warn her, but she is under his spell. But she was stupid enough to marry him after all she was told about him, after he came back to me three times. It is amazing how the sociopath soaks right into what every his victim is into. His new victim is a religious woman, so he became an ordained minister. I have a feeling that he is going to get her to somehow rip off the church and he will steal and leave her holding the bag”. it will be empty but her finger prints will be the only ones on it. He is a sneek bastard.
So, if any of you ladies run into a man with the intial P.D.N. whos mamma was killed in a car accident by his step dad. Run! His real father tried to kill his mamma before he was born, left and never saw the little bastard. He was always in trouble and beat up on his sibling. Classic case if ever there was one. When I read the descrption of what a sociopath behaviors are.. my story fits it to the T.
Amazingly I still can’t stop thinking about him. I am obsessed, he was the best lover of my life, but the worst for me. I am still trying to deal with the pain that he has caused me. He has left me empty. That is what they do, I have been told. I feel so empty and so alone. I am normal and was true to him. I believed in him. I trusted him. And to now know that it was all a con, is unbearable. Today, it has been 3 months since he left me the note on the night stand. I still cry.
Sadme. Welcome. You are in the right place here. Thank you for sharing your story. Offers of marriage, I love you’s, lies, cheating, used for money/sex, crazy, other women/men – we have been through it on this site.
Spaths are a con, we were mugged. You are in safe hands here, stay and read.
Sadme,
you can keep that name for a little while but I think you will change it to GratefulMe, very soon. You saw the light and got away from him. I’m so happy for you.
Two years, Skylar?
Geez, I’m not sure I have that kind of emotional resilience But with the help of LF, maybe it won’t take that long.
I see so much now. Everything you describe is true. It all makes sense. I am just waiting to feel it.
I miss him less as I practice my alternative statements. There are times when I feel such anger at him when I think of the things he did but then I try to depersonalize it. He does what he does. It is his nature to hurt and destroy. His efforts were not directed at me but rather at a supply source.
I want him to suffer, though, Sky. I want his life to be hell. And he kind of does that all by himself, so I am grateful. With me, he had a chance at accomplishment and satisfaction. Without me, he can’t seem to get it together. And his latest choice of a victim is too young and selfish to care.
Skylar, I really get what you are saying about pushing the no contact message to the extreme. I really do think that there are times when yes we can have limited contact.
I think it is all relative. How abusive the person was/is. How healed we are. For myself, I am currently like a heroin junkie who is trying to kick. Limited contact with “a syringe full of heroin” is not a good idea for me at this stage. But yes balance is good in everything we do. Extremes are SOMETIMES needed.
Kim Frederick I want to say thanks again for welcoming me back a few days ago. Validation is very important to wounded folks. I too left LF because I was feeling overwhelmed by all the spath talk and I was being looked at as a N myself. Easy to do. We are all in need of SOME KIND of healing. I have to remind myself of that when here. I can get triggered pretty easy re: my PTSD.
I am aware that what we have here at LF is a micro view of society in general. Hierarchies, competitions, clicks, folks jockeying for position (whether they are aware of it or not newbies can read it), the seasoned “big kahunas” and those low on the food chain like myself who are new and have not yet proved myself.
Last time I was on LF I became frustrated with the drama too-some were being rather snarky to another who in my opinion was trying to be transparent and authentic and I guess they thought she was a “goodygood” and were grey rocking her, ignoring her posts etc. Just being middle schoolish. I’m a Libra and we really go to bat for the underdog so I got a bit lippy but oh well. It was needed.
So I understand if folks are on guard now that I am here again. I feel the ignore but I really am here to express and process. The validation I get from my children, my friends, my sisters etc is enough for me. BUT oh yes it is sooo good to talk to others who are going through the same thing. My circle of peeps don’t really understand nor do they want to hear it and I can’t blame them.
I am hoping that we can continue to forgive, move on, enjoy each other’s posts and to be understanding if we have an “on the rag” moment with each other!
Take care and I have always enjoyed what you have to share.