Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
Getting your head out of the washing machine
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I often receive emails from people asking me to talk about different subjects. One recent subject was the mind-bogglingly creative ways in which a sociopath will literally mess with your head. A client came up with the perfect analogy and said she felt like her head had been in a washing machine.
The sociopath will use many different techniques—gaslighting, emotional blackmail, manipulation, creating confusion, lying and creating fear.
Gaslighting, for example, is the type of abuse whereby an abuser uses an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from the victim, and/or providing false information. This has the gradual effect of making victims anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. When it’s done for a long enough period, you will literally start losing your mind and feel like your head has been in a washing machine for most of the time you have been in relationship.
It could come in the form of verbal gaslighting, whereby the sociopath manipulates by lying to control information. They may also do it to keep you off balance psychologically. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that you “must be imagining things” when you challenge these changes.
Let’s say they wanted you to think you were forgetful. You lose your car keys then they help you find them. Whilst they have been very “helpful” searching for the keys with you, the keys suddenly appear in the ignition of your dashboard. You’re thinking, “I am sure I didn’t put them there.” They say, “Oh silly you, see you are so careless, you need to be more careful otherwise someone could have stolen our car!” The reality is they are the ones that moved them there in the first place.
One very sneaky trick a sociopath I knew used on me was to hack into my hotmail account, not change the password but selectively delete some of the incoming messages so I would see them one minute and the next they were gone.
More tactics
Sociopaths appear to have selective amnesia. They may say things like, “I don’t ever remember saying that I think you have you’re wires crossed,” or “Did I really say that?”
They are experts at creating unpredictability. The victim feels on edge because they never know where they stand and the goalposts are constantly shifting. Victims always remain hyper-vigilant, wondering when the abuser is likely to have an outburst or change of mood. As a result, the victim may start to feel frightened and unsettled.
Other tactics might include keeping the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place. For example, they may make plans for you and then cancel them, or talk about you behind your back, with the intention of isolating you from others. This type of abuse is done with the intention of keeping the victim in a constant state of anxiety and confusion.
There are a number of other mind blasting techniques that do not fit into any of the other types of verbal abuse categories, such as putting you down, being verbally abusive, using the silent treatment and so on. These tactics can also apply the narcissistic type personality.
The silent treatment is a favourite weapon of both personality types, and is particularly effective because it renders you unable to communicate anything to them. This is the most powerful weapon in their arsenal of sneaky abuse tactics.
Crazymaking comments
Other tactic includes conversations or actions that divert from the original argument or put blame back on the victim, but often they are very ambiguous. These comments are meant to make you feel crazy, confused, off guard and unable to respond. For example:
“I think the fact that you are really angry is stopping you from seeing things clearly. Let’s talk about this another time.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Why would I do such a thing? I wasn’t going to tell you, but only yesterday, I went out and bought you that present you wanted.”
“Look, if you are going to cry every time we have a conversation, how can I answer you? You’re not really in a fit state. Here, have a tissue and let’s talk about something else instead.”
“I really don’t see any point in discussing this further until you have all your facts straight.”
“It’s all your imagination. Isn’t it about time you went back on the antidepressants darling? Here let me make you a cup of tea.”
The mist clears
If you are left feeling confused and crazy by their gaslighting behaviour, their verbal assaults and emotional demands and strange conversations, stop!
This is exactly how they want you to feel. The minute you become aware of what they are doing, and the fact that they are actually manipulating you, sometime miracles happen.
You realise much of what they say and do makes no sense at all. You take yourself out of the washing machine. Your head stops spinning and suddenly the mist clears. You realise you are not crazy, but they are.
After the relationship many victims of sociopaths have literally felt like their head had been in a spin cycle. They are left emotionally, spiritually and financially drained. On an energetic level you have literally been sucked dry and brainwashed until you have no idea what is real or imagined anymore.
My advice is to start writing down what the sociopath says to you and you will soon find yourself wanting to take your head out of the washing machine— hopefully long before the spin dry and they have completely taken you to the cleaners.
Dear Kindheart;
Yes you are correct. in this particular case this woman has never stayed longer than 3-4 years with anyone person. the woman she has been with for 14 years she only admits she’s with her when it’s convenient for her.. yes she has been a Lesbian for over 30 years but before that married 3 times to men. I personally think she is bisexual and prefers women because she can manipulate them easier and not have to worry about being physically abused as much as she would have with men. I told you she was a mess.. too much baggage for me and I am glad to be rid of her sorry arse. Yes I am very happily back with my wife in every way! Very lucky she didn’t give up on us. That doesn’t mean however these feelings aren’t still there. I am a human being not a light switch. but what I know now.. is that this woman is a user and will never be good for anyone..doesn’t matter what sex they are..
Dear Renewedhope,
While I am am in NO WAY saying that how this woman treated you was RIGHT, in fact, absolutely NOT—however, on your part, I think having a “friendship” with a woman that YOU are interested in when YOU are a MARRIED man, AND “helping” her, and then getting your feelings hurt because she isn’t “interested” in you seems a tad odd to me.
What is your WIFE’s role in this triangle? How does SHE feel about you spending all this money and time and labor for another woman that YOU admit that YOU have feelings for and seem disappointed that they are not returned.
Well, I’m done with this, it sounds like WAAAAAY more drama than I am inclined to take on or give advice about…the whole thing sounds like two people manipulating each other…you rescuing/enabling her and her using you to do her unpaid labor. You both got taken as far as I’m concerned and if that sounds lacking in empathy I’m sorry.
I MYSELF HAVE ENABLED MY SONS, AND “friends” and then been pithed when they didn’t “appreciate it” or treat me well, in fact one of my sons tried to kill me for my trouble.
NOW when I do things for people I do not expect “gratitude” and I am NEVER DISAPPOINTED….so if they appreciate it fine, if not fine, no skin off my nose. I am NOT OBLIGATED to help anyone unless I WANT TO and if I want to “FREELY GIVE HELP TO A FRIEND” then I should not expect repayment in “gratitude” or other services.
Enabling others ALWAYS (100% of the time) causes BAD
FEELINGS on the part of the one “helped” AND on the part of the “helper” because the helper never gets enough gratitude or repayment and the helped always feels the helper is trying to control them with “gifts” that are really down payments on control.
SEEING my OWN PART IN THIS kind of tit for tat drama with pseudo friends, and doing more and more for them for less and less respect, and then down right hatefulness—I wasn’t making any progress until I learned the differences between “helping” someone freely and ENABLING—and there is sometimes a FINE LINE between them, but the man point being that we don’t expect “gratitude” in retgurn.
Jesus healed TEN men with leporacy but only ONE turned around and thanked him if I remember the story correctly. So I figure if Jesus didn’t get any gratitude for that miracle then I shouldn’t expect any for my assistance.
I see your point. There is indeed more drama here than I can handle which is why I am so glad it’s over. The situation with my wife is one that is hard to explain. Any other woman would have left even though there was no sex involved. She knew me better than I knew myself and knew that I would come back to her. I can’t explain it any better than that. And I know morally it wasn’t right to want to do for this woman when I am married. That doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I have since forgiven myself for my wrongdoing which is been the hard part for me. I don’t intend to ever do this thing again.
Dear Renewedhope,
I sincerely hope that you and your wife can work this thing out between you, and that you can be open and honest with her (your wife) about the “emotional affair” with the other woman. (Those are my words, not yours, but to me that sounds about right the best I can figure from your description of the “friendship” with this woman).
For what it is worth, my opinion, is that I would be as much hurt by an emotional affair by my partner as I would be for him crawling into bed with someone else or maybe more hurt.
Since this thing (the whole relationship with this woman) was “off center” from the get go, my advice to you would be for you to work on YOU and YOUR path, and just realize that NEITHER OF YOU were on the moral high ground here. Frankly, I think when we get involved in ANY KIND of dysfunctional relationship and it turns out badly we tend to want to say, like a kid in second grade, “It all started when Johnny hit me back!” LOL
It was difficult for me to realize just how “helping” people was a “bad” thing, or how I was at fault, for any of the situation because “ALL I DID WAS TRY TO HELP THEM……” (my portion was as pure as the driven snow, in other words) but in the end, I finally FINALLY came to see that YOU CAN GIVE PEOPLE THINGS BUT YOU CANT HELP THEM, THEY MUST HELP THEMSELVES. And—if you give someone something and expect gratitude in return, then it was not a GIFT it was an advance payment on services…
My late husband used to have what he called “the golden rule”–not like the one in the Bible, though. My husband’s rule was “HE WHO HAD THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES” and when someone is in a position to “NEED” us and we “take care of” them then they by common human agreement become “beholden” to us for whatever we did for them. In other words, in our “debt” for what we did for them. That is also a ONE-DOWN position, where we are “superior” to them because they NEED US.
An equal relationship, where both partners are EQUAL, each sharing with the other is what a good marriage/friendship should be, rather than one person being “beholden” to the other or indebted. Inter-dependent relationships are like that. Sometimes you need more, sometimes I need more, but we share the burdens of life together and we don’t keep “score” of I did this, so you owe me that…
I suggest that you work on doing things for yourself and your wife, and trying to show your wife that you ARE truly sorry for any (even) emotional infidelity and regain her trust again. It may take some time I am sure. I can vouch for the fact that I would not give a partner another chance after a long-standing (28-year?) emotional “affair” with someone else or any physical affair. Your wife must be a saint! I hope you can show her that you value her and respect her and that you truly “don’t intend to ever do this thing again.” Good luck and God bless.
schnoodle64 –
Stay strong. x
First offI knew said S woman about 12 years before I met my wife. When I got dumped by said S woman in 1993 I had decided to put her behind me..it took me 3 years though before I would date anyone and then my wife came along. At the time we met I had kept said S woman as a “friend” even though she had hurt me. It wasn’t until last year at this time that she revealed to me that she “Thought” she was dying. She wasn’t but it made the old feelings start all over again. We had been going through this roller coaster ride for a year now until October when I made the trip to see her. I have been nothing but honest about my feelings from the first second I started feeling them last year. it kills me that I hurt my wife. it is the biggest regret of my life. But forward is where we are going and I can’t take this time back. All I can do is show my wife how much I do love her and always have even when I was feeling something for someone else. I am going to show her the rest of my life how much I love her.. That is all I can do. I can’t go back.
Dear Renewed hope,
GOOD FOR YOU! None of us can go back, and I think I have a better grasp on the situation than I did before (you don’t really owe me to tell me the details but thanks, it helps me understand) I wonder if this “dying thing” was a PITY PLOY on her part or if she really thought she was dying?
It is not infrequent that people who are manipulative will use some “I have cancer” or something to hook someone back into their manipulation. I can see for sure how you would possibly be hooked with feeling pity for her if she was dying…my egg donor got very angry when I didn’t fall for her “pitiful old widow lady” routine. Heck as far as that goes, I’M A “pitiful old widow lady” but that doesn’t mean people should feel sorry for me and drop their lives and come “take care of me”—and then have me bitch them out because they didn’t do it the way I wanted it done! LOL Sounds like your “friend” may have been of that kind of manipulation bent.
All of us I think have done and said things that we regret later, or that we have not held firmly to our moral compasses, so you are not alone in having done something you regret! Forgiving MYself was harder than forgiving the psychopaths. But nothing excused what they did or what I did for that matter, so I can’t change the past, just go on toward the future and today. Good luck and God bless.
Renewed: If I read this correctly, you did help this woman, but you wanted a relationship [including physical] with her and that was a huge reason you went to her aid. That didn’t work out, so you returned to your wife.
And it’s my personal opinion if we are truly in love with someone we don’t have these feelings for someone else. Any way you slice it: wife is getting short end of the stick.
Dear TB, how in the world are you? Are you recovering after the babysitting fiasco? I’ve been thinking about you and hoping you were doing better! It is just so difficult when the Ps’ behaviors impact on innocent “bystanders” especially their kids. Gem and I have both been there with you, darling, and it ain’t easy, but right now, putting yourself FIRST is a good thing! (((hugs)))
Oxi you explained her to a tee! When we went up there we worked from sun up to sundown in the yard. As we were leaving I asked her if she was satisfied with what we did and she said “For what we did”. Which meant we didn’t get everything done she wanted us to. My brother told her to her face”You would complain if you were hung with a new rope!”. She laughed it off but I could tell she didn’t like what he said. But it was the truth. She is a great deceiver. She could charm the pants right off of me and she knew it. She had the attitude”I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you either!”. Anyway..
Thanks so much for your input..it has helped clarify a few things for me.