Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
Mr. Invincible and other Un-Inspiring Characters
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
As many of your know, having come out of relationships with sociopaths often we feel powerless. Some like Donna and others like myself have felt inspired to speak up and share our stories and talk about their experiences. I had this little voice that wanted to shout from the rooftops in the hope that others would not have to go through what I had to.
When I was child I felt powerless to speak up to abusers, which was one of the reasons why I kept on attracting psychopathic types during my adult life. As a life coach, there is a technique whereby you reduce your abuser to a cartoon-sized character in your head so they no longer have power over you. Imagine, for example, Mickey Mouse screaming at you and trying to throw a fist in your direction. When you play the image back it has less of an impact. At the same time, it doesn’t take away from the dynamics of what actually happened, but allows the victim to see things in a different way.
I live in the UK and we have a strange sense of humour. I was a big fan of the two comedians called The Two Ronnies. At the end of the show, they would say, “It’s good night from me and it’s good night from him.”
After healing and realising my sense of humour was still intact, it led me to create an animated character and find a voice and educate people on Youtube about the psychopathic type personality. In my book I call them Dark Souls.
Reducing the abuser to a cartoon sized character not only has the effect of lessoning their power over us, but also it enables those people who don’t particularly like reading lots of long texts to educate themselves in a fun, informative way. Also, Youtube is an excellent platform if used properly for educating people. The videos are now shared on many blogs. Here are some of the most commonly viewed.
Mr. Invincible — The Invisible Psychopaths Among Us
This particular video exposes the “dual” nature of sociopathic personalities, whereby they hide their real self behind a mask, hence the inspiration from The Two Ronnies.
I have been inspired to do other videos including one on why empaths like myself are drawn to these people, or should I say WERE drawn to them, and why they choose us and why we as victims need to change.
Because I am highly sensitive and work with energy, I think the most favourite one is:
I was inspired to do this video after my ex kept trying to call me at home from a withheld number after we finished, just to hear my voice. I knew he was watching my website so I put this one up and suddenly the calls stopped.
Although I have now moved on I occasionally see something that inspires me to put up a new video like the recent Charlie Sheen story:
Charlie Sheen — Love Me or Hate Me
I’ll continue to keep on putting up the videos because it not only helps victims, but videos like “Mr. Invincible” help to educate the masses too. Despite some mild swearing on them, which is done for obvious reasons, I hope they will make a few people smile in the process.
Yes, Oxy, but it’s still going to be confusing when it happens.
Because, I think, we’re evolved people. We consider, for instance, that everyone projects. We all complain about things in other people that are really problems in ourselves.
We all do.
And when somebody throws a wrench into that process, creating an endless negative feedback loop, we don’t know what to think. Am I really that bad? Am I seeing anything clearly at all? Do I really carry around so much narcissistic denial?
Ironically, the only way out for me has been to tap into a little pretend-sociopathy in myself. Or is it real? Do I have a part of myself, walled off from the rest, that wants to toy with people? If it “just literally bounces back without creating an emotional response,” and I feel no guilt (in fact, I feel exhilaration!), am I not becoming less of an integrated and compassionate person myself? It almost sounds, when I describe my own hard-learned response, that I am the sociopath!
In short, how much of what we see is real, and how much is distorted? GASLIGHTING . . .
Sistersister, You are refering to what Jung calls, “the shadow”. And yes, we all have one. He says we project out onto others that which we won’t accept in ourselves. It’s only when we aknowledge the hated aspect we see in someone else as also being a part of ourselves do we experience wholeness.
Those things that bother me most in others are probably denied and split off parts of myself.
My shadow may not be your shadow, for example I have an intense dislike for attention whores…but that’s because I fight against that tendency in myself.
I had an interesting experience about 6 mos. ago.
I could not connect with my oldest Grand-daughter. She just irked me, and she didn’t like me much either.
I read a book about this concept and realized that a lot of the things I didn’t like in her were the things I couldn’t accept in myself.
Within a week or two of reading that book and reminding myself why she got on my nerves we began to relate and bond with each-other..
It’s all about self acceptance, but also about compassion for the other.
Just thought I’d throw my 2 cents in.
Another of Jung’s concepts that I like is this: That when I experience a big emotion, perhaps an over reaction, my partner is repressing that same emotion. It works in the reverse, as well. When my partner expresses a big emotion, that I might percieve as an over reaction, I am probably repressing that emotion in myself.
I just think it’s an interesting theory.
kim ~ your reference to “the shadow” brought to mind the lyrics of a song that always gave me the willys.
The Stranger by Billy Joel
Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin, some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They’re the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
CHORUS
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger?
Did you ever let your lover
See the stranger in yourself?
Don’t be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You’ve done it, why can’t someone else?
You should know by now,
You’ve been there yourself
Once I used to believe I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
Though I pressed her for a reason,
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
REPEAT CHORUS
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions,
You will never quench the fire
You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along
Yeah, and that reminds me of anima and animus.
Was not familiar with that, had to look it up.
I actually got chills the first time I heard “The Stranger”. It’s weird how instincts make us react that way.
A lot of Sting’s music gives me that feeling.
Gotta love this one too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0BLMp1Xbso&feature=player_embedded
Skylar
Regarding your comment that your spath used to sign things “the creep”. He was, and he knew it!
My spath constantly told me that I was too trusting. He would say that all the time. I’d argue back that people are essentially good, without trust and cooperation we wouldn’t have babies, or cities, or electricity, that the human race would have self destructed a long time ago.
I realize NOW that he was telling me that HE shouldn’t be trusted.
I was speaking in generalities, and he was talking specifics.
Big difference.
Loser.
Superkid,
yep, they like to do a “tell”.
Mine “told” me so many times that he was poisoning me, using me, etc… but always with that Judas kiss.
How the hell could I have known anyone is that empty that they would choose to spend their lives living a complete lie?
How could I have known that for some people love is really hate and everything they say is 180 degrees the opposite of the truth?
It’s why they’re called the people of the lie. The lie is how you will know them.