Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships. She has also created a wonderful animation that describes the antics of a sociopath, called Exposing the Mask of Insanity. View the animation here.
The sociopath’s unconscious death wish
By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I recently received an email from one of my readers saying that her husband and mother, who are both sociopaths, had suicide clauses in their wills, so I decided to write an article on the sociopath and suicide. Many people think that sociopaths never commit suicide, but I beg to differ.
For those who aren’t already aware, many of those who have symptoms of sociopathy often have other personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder. In fact, it’s one of the reasons why when I wrote Dark Souls that I grouped the two personalities together. Whatever we decide to call these people, whether it be sociopaths, psychopaths, or narcissists, the DSM-5 has now decided to propose putting narcissistic personality disorder in with the “psychopathic type personality.”
So what do all of these psychopathic types have in common? A need for admiration, narcissistic supply and attention. When the attention runs dry, they will resort to any number of tactics, using guilt, blame, anger, and so on, to get their needs met. I saw a very unnerving video from a death row inmate in the U.S. where the guy is asked why he did what he did to others and how he felt about being and death row. He said, “Because I just want to die.”
My encounters
I recently heard of an old acquaintance who I had had the misfortune of being friends with many years ago. He recently died under strange circumstances, although it appears he committed suicide when he got caught out. He was one of the psychopathic type personalities, a loner, a user with a distinct liking of hurting animals and children. I wondered whether the sociopath has an unconscious death wish.
Sociopaths have a distinct lack of impulse control, coupled with their own lack of remorse. My own ex threatened to commit suicide a couple of times when I said I would leave. Of course he never did it. Each time I was gullible enough to take him back.
My own sociopathic father even made a half-hearted attempt at doing it when my mother decided enough was enough. When finally asked in counseling why he did it, he replied, “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” My view is that it was more like he was concerned he wouldn’t have supply any more, and he knew that killing himself would hurt everyone, including his children.
The ultimate gesture
Often you will see headline cases in newspapers where sociopaths go on killing sprees and then just as they are about to be caught out, they turn the gun on themselves as the ultimate “f*ck you,” so that they cannot be brought to justice.
Most of us who have lived around sociopaths know that their sole need is to use others, and unless they are receiving attention, then their lives aren’t really worth living. Take the likes of Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. In their warped way, I am sure they love all the adoration they receive.
Some normal people may want to be come famous. They may be driven by a desire to do something good and succeed.
A sociopath doesn’t care about being successful or doing good. They don’t care whether or not they are “famous” or “infamous.” They don’t mind having a bad name or being associated with something detestable, which is why so many celebrities who have sociopathic tendencies will be more than happy to appear in the news doing pretty much anything just to get headlines.
Here in the UK all serial killers are hated hence our most famous psychopath, Fred West, hanged himself before trial, despite being on suicide watch. Thus he was never tried for his heinous crimes, which included raping his own 13 year old daughter and chopping up a few dead bodies.
But the moment the supply runs out for the sociopath, then what? They are happy with punishment in the form of everyone either hating them, which is why so many thrive in prisons. The worse thing people can do is ignore them, in which case they have nothing more to do than look at four walls, and put them in isolation, so they have to “talk to the hand” and have to face their own souls and miserable existences. And since they hate being ignored and probably died along time ago, what better way to be remembered than to give the ultimate “F*ck you” by blowing their own head off, or hanging themselves off the end of a bedpost in the hope they will have some kind of recognition?
Dear Seriously – the hurt and anger is justified for sure!
The part about forgiving the spath?? I’m not so sure that’s a requirement. It’s up to God to forgive. You have no obligation to forgive such a cold, calculating creature. I hesitate to call them people, since I truly feel that they are less than human. To call them that, would imply that they feel some sort of humanity. They don’t seem to feel ANYTHING at all. The remind me of reptiles. Cold blooded predators. No offense to the snake lovers in the crowd 🙂
My hope for you is that you can learn to forgive yourself. I believe it is human nature to hold ourselves at least partially responsible for the things that happen to us. EVEN when we are not at fault in the least! Of course, that does not apply to spaths, who have no conscience at all!
Thank you. I’m angry and its been six months out of the relationship. I don’t have to forgive him. I don’t have to feel bad or sad if he dies. I have taken responsibility for my part. All 63000 of it. I will never trust words from humans mouths but actions. What I have learned the most is trust your gut instincts. People don’t change unless they truly want to or are able to.
Mama Gem Bullshit and Spath ashes’- sound’s like a new fertilizer to me..
My x cut his wrist on my front porch one time, to prove how much he loved me,wasnt bad enuff to call 911 but as I was cleaning him up I noticed lot’s of previous scars on his wrist. Poor guy, well I fell for it, took him back, felt so sorry for him, yada yada..Then another attempt with pill’s, that didnt work but I took him to the bus station with money for a ticket home, where ever that was..6 hours later he was back again. I swear the main reason he was here so long was because I felt so sorry for him, I mean nobody wanted him, not even his mother..So eventually he found a new target and moved on, but my NO CONTACT really farked with his ego, I just simply refused to dance to his tune, he got bored, went away..
I talked to one of his many X’s before me one time about the cut wrist and he said, Oh Yeah – I guess he cut himself up so bad one time at a gay motel “The Sociopath Inn” that he was locked up in a physc ward and was banned from the “Inn”.
I have read about ‘cutters’, sometime’s their reality get’s so intense they cut themselves to escape it…Sad sad sad…Has been 3 years now, but If I heard he had killed himself I would be very upset. But not near as upset as had he done it while living with me..Camon…..you did nothing to provoke your x’s death, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time….
Star ….do what? God? I think for most people suicide is a coward’s way out. But some people really can only find peace in death, so I dont judge…..
Dear Hens,
The frequent and repeated “suicide gestures” (though sometimes they actually end up doing it while just pretending to want to) are used as manipulation attempts…it is the DRAMA QUEEN/KING thing, and usually is more frequent with females than males…that feeling sorry for them is the key thing….and they hook you back into taking care of them.
Yep, you are also right that NC farks with their ego and they want to keep that control, that manipulation and can’t “take it” that we will refuse to converse with them. NC is very frustrating to them…it is the ULTIMATE frustration, the ultimate refusal, the ultimate taking back of our OWN CONTROL. How DARE WE?!!!!! LOL
I’m glad this article is called “Why Sociopaths SOMETIMES Kill Themselves”. I think there are a lot of categorical assumptions that don’t necessarily apply to “The Sociopath”, rather than Some Sociopaths. I do understand the “sociopath’s unconscious death wish” tag line, but I’m not sure I agree with the gist of the article. I think a lot of people have “unconscious death wishes”. And I don’t think that Manson & Bundy are the types of sociopaths that most of us here have Personally Experienced.
About 10 yrs ago, I did a lot of research on the psychological motivations for using specific methods of suicide. I can’t remember where I found it, &, being so long ago, I don’t remember all of it, & I can’t seem to find it on the Internet now. At any rate, there was suggestion that yes, shooting yourself, especially in the “blowing your head off” manner was often intended as an
“ultimate F*** You”…..purposeful disfigurement & bloody mess for the person who finds you like that. A way of saying “see what you did to me, & I hate you.”
They suggested that taking pills or injecting, & simply laying down to go to sleep, so to speak, was a way of saying “I’m just too tired to go on….I just can’t make it thru this any longer.”
I don’t remember the slitting wrists in the bathtub motivation all that well now, but it had something to do with deep despair. But that plain old wrist-cutting is often just a way to purposely hurt oneself, & not necessarily done seriously, but a way of getting attention to one’s pain or hurt.
Hanging was interpreted as a sign of sorrow, often of remorse, & as a way of saying, “I’m sorry for what I did & I want you to have compassion for me in my sorrow & to give me forgiveness.”
Now, I don’t know how much of this applies across the board, but it makes sense to me. And I think it applies in J’s case.
As I said on the other thread, I just found out Friday nite that J had hung himself in Pto Escondido, Oax on 2/22/11.
It wasn’t a FU, & it wasn’t a need for recognition. I wasn’t there, hadn’t heard from him since July, but as you all know, I have kept up with some of what’s gone on with him. And I’ve followed his chart progressions & transits, & I’d seen an explosion of some kind coming up. I thot it would probably be legal or financial or even marital…..& I’m sure it was a combination of all of those. He’d come to the end of a road & found there was no way to turn around, no way to exit to the side, & no way forward. The only way was out.
He was an exceedingly brilliant man. He could’ve done so many things so many other ways, but he chose to try to get there thru deception, “baffling with his bullshit”. Like so many other SPs & Ns we’ve talked about here, he was able to come up with great ideas, one right after another, & to convince people that Yes, it was possible to build a bridge to the moon & he knew exactly how to do it & he could explain every detail with total plausibility. He just really just couldn’t Build the Bridge.
And he’d left disasters in others’ lives on his way down his road…..ones that he always minimized, of course. But his wife of 25 yrs died of breast cancer & 9 yrs of severe depression. His “successful” Ecstasy manufacturing lab was busted & he went into flight, & his son had to go into flight also because of it. His daughter never spoke to him after that, & it’s been 10 yrs now. His son & d-i-l & grandchildren went to join Jamie & his wife Tracy on this grand adventure in Mexico, & I’ve just found out that, yes, as I’d thot, the d-i-law did leave Mx & return to NJ with the children because J & T were drinking so heavily & so constantly, & the son was drinking with him, & would defend his father to her, & she didn’t want the children around any of it. So he destroyed his son’s marriage, too, & left his grandchildren kids of divorce.
And he left me & my life in what I thot would be ruination forever. And he seduced this naive, rt-wing conservative, West Texas, born-again fundamentalist christian woman of wealth & family status into this 4yr affair & marriage. And there they were in Mexico…..he without a job, unable to work because of the $7mil lawsuit for breach of contract against him, probably with legal fees piling up, $78K past due in taxes, living off a wife who he married for her money.
I’m sad for him. I’m very sad for him. I wanted him to be sorry…..I wanted what he did to me to haunt me for the rest of his life, (& told him just that several times) & to have to remember it, & know it was wrong…..I wanted him to feel bad. I did NOT want his life to succeed in any way. And it didn’t. And he did feel sorrow….whether for me, or for himself, or his wife, or his family…..he did feel great sorrow…..enough to hang himself——even while living in a fine home on a hill in an expensive area of Puerto, overlooking the ocean, with all the money his wife & her monied family have.
I have forgiven him. Nobody told me that, “as a Christian”, I HAVE to forgive him. I forgive him because I AM a Christian. I don’t have it in me to not forgive someone after they’ve suffered & died—-no matter what they did to me or how much of the suffering they brot on themselves. My life wasn’t ruined forever. He’s dead. It’s over for him, but my life goes on & I’ve come alive again. And I know now, absolutely, that this whole experience came into my life for a reason…not to make me different but it make me strong……not to punish me or make me punish myself….but to prepare me for a purpose & a direction that I never knew was out there. And yes, in spite of the pain Jamie left me in, he also left me with a million good things that will serve me & others in whatever it is I’m to do with my future.
I could not find that forgiveness while he was still alive. I could not forgive him for what he did to me, knowing that he was out there, living happily, scot-free. I could not release that anger & pain & knot in my heart. He released me. I didn’t see him walk thru the door, but I saw the dark door slowly close in the distance. & the picture faded. The End. I saw the picture in the Mexican newspaper of him hanging by a rope on his fine balcony overlooking the ocean. And I saw infinite ultimate sorrow. And I forgave.
And I pray that God received him as the very flawed, but beloved Child of God that he was. Even children who’re possessed by demons are beloved children of God & are welcomed in his arms.
Dear Yes,
I’m glad that you have found peace! ((((hugs))))
Thank you, Oxy. ((((hugs back to you))))
.
CAmom I am glad you are talking about it, it helps me understand what your feeling. Goodness he was a fucked up person. I am glad he did not take you with him, alot of sick bastards like him do that ya know. Also in my opinion alot of physciatrist are as fucked up as they come. I am sure I will get flack for that but oh well – just my opinion. And not all men are gay – what bull shit….
You just got involved with a really twisted mofo.
It is good to be angry. Alot of people that lose GOOD partners go through anger. I have a good friend that was married 50+ years and she still get’s pissed off at him for dying on her..But your anger is different. I am so sorry this has happened to you…but considering what a screwed up mind he had your much better off without him dead or alive – and that is my two cents…
Dear CAmom,
I totally understand your feelings about your experience with your exSP. What he did to you in killing himself the way he did, & blaming it on you, is evil. He made it very clear that it was an “ultimate FU” to YOU. I don’t know how I could deal with that, & it seems that you are doing a good job of it.
The reason I wrote what I did is that my experience was completely different…….manner of suicide, circumstances around it, all of it. This is why I don’t think that we can categorically say why sociopaths commit suicide.
You’d been in touch with your ex up until shortly before he shot himself. I’d had NC with Jamie since last July, when he made it clear that I was out of his life & that he was going on to live the life he felt he deserved in a positive way, & was glad to be away from me. Obviously he was bullshitting then about that, just as he bs’d about everything.
The only way I can feel about my place in this is that he knew he’d f’d up badly—with me, with all the people in his life…….he used all of us, including his new wife, for his own shrewdly calculated agendas…..& none of it worked.
I can’t imagine what his wife feels about his death….I don’t know exactly what was going on between them at the time. I have a feeling that she was pressuring him about money & other things, that she’d begun to realize that none of what he’d said about his life, me, his work, his plans & abilities were true. I don’t think that his suicide method indicated a FU to her either…..possibly he wanted her to feel sorry for him instead of being angry. And I suspect it worked. I don’t know. I heard from the d-i-l that he had left a scrawled, obviously drunken note, but I don’t know what it said. The d-i-l did tell me that “it was all about the money (his marrying her)……it was all just so shady….the way he left you, all of it, was just so wrong.”
It was all just so wrong. I feel badly for him because I know there was good in him, but, as one person in my church said, “there was the darkness that fought to obscure the light that was inside him…..a darkness that we sensed, but were never exposed to.” I can’t tell you how many people at my church told me this wk-end, “he just had too many demons.” And, as I said above, I know that God does love all of His children, even those who are possessed by demons, & that He forgives them.
Knowing that, I know that, as a child of God, I can now forgive him, too.
I pray that you do find peace & a way to forgive, CAmom….for YOU….because I know the hard, bitter knot that I had in my heart when I couldn’t find a way to forgive Jamie. And it hurt me. I prayed everyday, “God, forgive me in my unforgiveness”. People have said, “well, now he can’t hurt you anymore.” Well, unlike what your ex continued to do, Jamie wasn’t hurting me anymore…..it was me that was hurting me….my pain, anger, bitterness about his going on to have a great fun new life. But he didn’t. In his death, he released me from that. And the pain & grief & all the changes that his deception & desertion caused have led me to a whole new place in my life…..a whole new acceptance of myself & my life…in a way, it’s like rolling a double six & missing a chance to buy Boardwalk, but I’ve moved far ahead on my journey.
Peace & blessings to you, CAmom.