Like us, Claudia Moscovici had her run-in with a psychopath, one that almost destroyed her marriage. Since then, like many of us, she has thoroughly researched this destructive personality disorder. She started a blog called “Psychopathy Awareness,” and wrote two books: a novel called The Seducer, and an upcoming nonfiction book called Dangerous Liaisons.
In her review of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, Claudia writes, “I didn’t think I could learn much more about the subject, but Donna’s book proved me wrong.”
Read the entire review on Psychopathy Awareness.
Love Fraud is available in the Lovefraud Store.
Guys, I think LL is having a hard time describing what she is noticing and why she feels in danger. I don’t think it’s because she thinks she will break NC. IT’S THE WAY THAT HE CONTACTED HER.
You see, she can’t even be sure it WAS him. He just sent her a bunch of question marks. That’s worse than if he had said, “hi, it’s me, spath”. It sent an emotional arrow into her heart and it was poisoned at the tip. It told her: “you will always wonder if it was me contacting you, and I can always deny that I did. So you won’t get the satisfaction of knowing that I did and I’ll maintain the upper hand by being able to contact you and deny it too. I’m the spath that gets to have his cake AND eat it too.” That’s very stealthy and sneaky and evil. He knew just what to do. what a fucking skunk.
Any ideas for backspathing? An email from nigeria? Hey, my BF gets the nigerian emails sometimes. From now on, I can reply telling them to contact me at (spath’s email address).
The utimate revenge: getting your spaths email on the nigerian scammers database! LOL!
I don’t think LL needs to think about revenge right now.
The lack of trust and shaking of the ground beneath our feet is a very real feeling.
It’s about finding a balance.
Knowing fact from fiction and not giving more power than what is due.
I remember going into surgery and the Dr’s needed a POA signed.
I didnt have ANYONE I trusted……..NOBODY!!!!!
What to do……
I had to sign over MY LIFE…..to someone, because I was not in good shape heading into surgery and could have A. Not come out alive…..or B. come out drooling and in diapers scenario…..requiring lifelong nursing care.
Hmmmmmmm.
I was pushed against the edge……and I couldn’t sign that responsibility over to my Dr.
So who?
I took a ‘chance’ and chose/asked my cousins wife……
It all worked out…..and it was a good choice…..she came/was there……and an awesome support for me……but I didn’t trust her……UNTIL she saw for herself…..she got a call from spath…..was alerted by his weirdness…….and we watched spath drive around the hospital parking lot looking for my vehicle (we had it hidden in another parking garage)……he was going to take my car as I was in a life threateneing surgery and diagnosed with C. (WHO DOES THAT?????) I know, I know…….
Anyways……I understand not trusting anyone…..and feeling as vulnerable as a person can feel….. I GET THAT!
BUT……as the clock keeps ticking…..we must carry on…..make decisions for ourselves to move forward…..
Some decisions may be good…..some may not be the best…..but we learn.
Sometimes, in our desperation……it’s best to keep our mouths shut (and ears open) and witness everything around us. Listen and learn…..
It’s easier than learning through personal ‘live’ experience…..especially when we are vulnerable.
If we are ‘speaking’ we are NOT listening…….
We must choose a starting point of healing…..
It’s easy to remain a victim……and some of us have placed ourselves there because it’s familiar….not easy…..but predictable, hence easier.
Becoming a survivor requires jumping off ’emotional’ cliffs…..and taking ‘chances’ that we are not familiar with……
Until we do the unknown…..the results will always be known.
It’s all our choice.
Mine was very good at the tactical mind f——. For a long time, I got caught up in the anger I felt, as a result of his games. They hurt and confused me and caused me so much grief. At first I was confused and in WTF mode. But when I understood it was designed to HURT me, punish me, control me, then it just pissed me off. It made me want to retaliate. And yes, sometimes I played the game. But here’s the point:
Why didn’t I just STOP and get out? Why wasn’t it enough to know he was deliberatly hurting me to get a reaction and make himself feel powerful?
What did I think I would accomplish by playing his evil games?
expending emotional energy—any emotional energy on a spath is a waste of energy! It’s pointless and accomplishes nothing. It wastes our precious time and resources. I think it also chips away at our self esteem.
Even being self-rightiously angry at them is (if the intent is to change them in some way) just a loss of energy that could have better been spent building a healthy intimate relationship with somebody else, or with ourselves.
I say, take your ball and go home. Let them play their games on someone else.
No matter what you do you are still just playing a game. It isn’t what we say we want. We say we want honesty, decency, mutual respect, peace of mind, companionship and comfort.
Engaging with a spath, in any way doesn’t move us any closer to those good things. It wastes time and energy.
Okay. Enough.
LL and Skylar, I can relate to what you say. The sociopath I broke up with over three years ago still sends me spam, comments on my blogs (of course, I don’t post his comments) and has sneaky means of sending me messages. Sociopaths contact their former victims so stealthily to play games and because they can’t let go of their dominance bonds. They want to continue harassing us with immunity. LL, if your former boyfriend did it more openly, you could use that as evidence to inform the police (and file a restraining order against him). The way he’s doing it undermines your peace of mind but is more difficult to use as proof against him. That’s a classic sociopathic strategy: cowardly and underhanded.
Kim,
QUOTE: “not being able to trust people to be who they say they are”–sugar that is LIFE! Right there. We have to keep our eyes and ears open for the predators outside and inside “the group” (whatever “group” we are in-family, community, love relationship, country, state, etc.)
That’s why we are all here—because we trusted someone to be who they said they were and THEY LIED. LOL
Since communication is only about 10% by the WORDS we say and the other 90% is non-verbal, we are at a disadvantage on a blog where we are typing the words, and we can’t see the other person at all. We can’t see how they are dressed, what sex they are, etc. all the things we use to pick up CLUES of the other person’s honesty or lack of it.
Also, keep in mind too that since this is a “mutual interest” group and the “mutual interest” we all have is being victims of dysfunctional relationships you are starting out with a group that is dysfunctional to start with, rather than just a “random” cross section or sample of humans in general. LOL It is also a fact that many relationshits with psychopaths are also with people who have some serious issues of their own. It is also not at all unusual for two PERSONALITY DISORDERED individuals to get together and battle it out and the LOSER OF THE TWO then presents themselves as a VICTIM and knows all the cant to present themselves as the POOOOOOR VICTIM of a psychopath who neeeeeeeds your pity! (boy have I been hooked in on that one) and if you think about it for a minute, most of our X’s have used the PITY PLOY to present themselves as victims to their own next victims, or presented themselves as victims of their last victim in order to get our pity and hook us!
So sometimes the posters here who present as victims of their relationship with a genuine psychopath are indeed victims, but are ALSO psychopaths of one level or another themselves. That sometimes comes out here eventually—I am sure you have been around long enough to remember a couple who came here and presented themselves as “victims” only to suck support like a boozer at a free bar sucking up booze, and the more they get the more they want, only to then turn on others in their own sense of entitlement and start attacking others, and having the “crisis dejour” almost every farking day.
Occasionally, these people seem to calm down and make some progress, but even then, since we don’t know each other in real life, we can only see what the person chooses to show us in typed-on-a-screen words. Just like on a dating site.
Remember the woman I took in a couple of summers ago and gave her a safe place to park her little RV while she healed? Well, she didn’t intend to “heal” she was looking for someone to mooch off of, to scam. She was the match out of a gasoline and fire relationship where she had been “bested” by either her intended victim or a co-psychopath and came out the loser in the fight…but she was not looking to heal in any shape manner or form, she was looking for sympathy and another victim…so I sent her on her way.
Compassion is only “Chinese FOOD” for those that are not looking for comfort and healing, they like it while they are eating it, but an hour later they are hungry and starving again demanding more. That kind of person never seems to learn to cook for themselves.
“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you feed him for a life time.”
Some people don’t seem to want to LEARN TO FISH, but they want to be SUPPLIED with fish forever. Sometimes the best thing we can do for that type of person is let them get hungry and see if that will motivate them to learn to fish. If not, then we just go work in the garden. BTW have you got some potted plants in your new little cottage?
Once you learn how to fish, you can put Fish guts in potted plants….. works well as a fertalizer…….proly smells aweful…..like couger peeps.
How are you doing EB? Are you still snowed in? We are still having the faux spring here and it is getting me worried as the weather forecast says another 7 days of above normal temps and trees are budding and grass putting up and I KNOW we will have a BIG ice story before March is over, and I actually saw a 4 inch snow one time at the END of April! It was a big wet fluffy snow at 31 degrees that all the mommies and kiddies got outside and made these huge snow men, but the snow its self was gone by the next morning but the huge snow men turned into ice sculptures that lasted for a week or more! I can really smile at that memory!
On the news the other day they had the big old Victorian house I lived in when we made those snow men, it got hit by a tornado and damaged but not torn down or anything. It sure doesn’t look the same now, most of the big old trees in the yard are gone, and they added on a “modern” addition in back that looks TERRIBLE! LOL
We also had a 4.7 earth quake here that did some minor damage to my place, cracks in the plaster and a bedroom door won’t latch now so have to adjust the latch part of the knob…strange weather, record Colds, and record high temps, earthquakes, Tornadoes in February, revolutions in Africa—wonder what’s coming next!
BTW if you bury the fish guts deeply they don’t stink too badly, so I’m just going to keep on fishing and burying the guts deeply.
Very wise post, Oxy.
I was either the fire or the gasoline in my last relationship, for sure. Not saying that makes me a spath, (I’m not) but I will readily admit to being dysfunctional, and not having a clue what to do to get my needs met. Not being able to extricate myself from the living hell I was living in, and being angry all the time. Trying to change him. I would go to any length to change him because then I could be happy. I wouldn’t have to leave and change myself. All too painful and very scarey stuff.
So glad that all that is behind me now.
Yes. Yesterday was a beautiful Spring day here. Low 80’s. Everything is in bloom. I was inspired to plant some herbs and also a wandering jew and some Hens and chickens.
I want some pretty posies and pansies in lots of colors on my porch. I haven’t bought any, yet. I have to be really careful with every cent, so mostly relying on cuttins that I can root.
When I lived in my little house with spath for two years I had the porch and yard so cute. My neighbors always commented on my green thumb. LOL. Don’t know about that, but I am resourceful. I bought a whole rack of sickly plants from a home depot for 2 dollars, brought them home, repotted and trimmed and fed them, and most of them thrived.
I also learned to macrame way back in the 70’s so can make may own hangers for next to nothing. I have a good eye for design and color, so I enjoy landscaping my yard and porch. I’m looking forward to doing more of it as the season progresses.
Did you have anymore theme dreams last night?
One Joy,
I just read your email above again.
You said, “I’m not sure you will ever get your emo needs met with her”
That is a powerful statement. Here’s why: What are my emo needs with regards to mom and dad?
I don’t know. Actually they kind of asked me that too. “What do you want us to do?” Do you want us to throw your brother out? Abandon your sister? I said, “no, I want you to think differently”. I want them to think clearly and see what I see. That is asking too much, I guess.
But as far as my emo needs? I’ll need to think about what I was/am getting from this relationshit that was based on a childhood trauma bond. It would be great to see them understand that concept and their role in it, both as children and as parents.
You said something else: your mom sounds strange. YES!
She is very strange and I never noticed it before. It’s freaking me out. It makes me think she’s a sociopath.
But you know, I’m strange too. I have survival mechanisms in place that confound people – that is the intent, to confound the sociopaths so they can’t find my hooks. Maybe that is what she has going on. It’s like she can show affection sometimes but not under trying circumstances?
Thanks so much for your insightful post. not sure you realize how much you help with your incisive questions. First it does open up thought processes and second, it gets me off the pity party and into a more logical process.
How is your cough?((hugs))
Ok…..
Sky, Claudia, I think you both hit the nail on the head. THAT was what I COULD not describe in how STEALTH it is. I didn’t mean to imply or say that my spath was more spathy than anyone else’s here. I’m sorry that I offended anyone. I realize you all are supportive.
I stayed NC. I talked with a friend of mine last night to get focused again. It was a REAL trigger that he does this crap. IT IS underhanded and VERY VERY evil. I don’t WANT him in my life and when this happens, I freak because I feel ….like it’s dangerous to me. I’m paranoid about him contacting me now. I didn’t give him what he wanted, which was a reaction. But it DOES undermine my peace of mind. It’s one of those things where it’s like someone’s watching you, but they’re not watching you. It’s VERY unsettling to me.
I’m proud of myself for maintaining my NC. I feel a bit stronger today because I didn’t give in, answer or respond to that garbage.
Now I need to think about a plan of action to deal emotionally with his inevitable contact at some point. I think I made the mistake of assuming he would not contact me because he had a new gf. I need to ASSUME HE WILL CONTACT, so I can emotionally plan accordingly and when I’m triggered, have a plan of action available to me that keeps me calm.
The place I live now, is currently (as of this morning) under a voluntary evacuation (you can break your lease, but no deposits back, of course!) due to a landslide here last night. We have that potential all around us and they’ve been covering a lot of areas with plastic to keep the rain from saturating the ground (not working), so the fire department, city and county have been here all morning (along with news crews) to assess the situation, thus the evacuation notice. The management knows that it’s dangerous here and has said NOTHING to the tenants, via notices or anything, that this is NOT SAFE. Many people here are working poor. They can’t AFFORD to move. I think the least they could do is to give the deposits back. Everyone around here knows it’s a safety issue…..so anyway, last night, I lined up a meeting with a gal for this evening to look at another place. I like the area that the place is at, and it’s quiet there. There is a little place outside that they have, that if I get the place, I can garden! The lady is VERY nice and we hit it off over the phone. So we shall see. I would feel a lot better moving. Spath knows I live here. I’m so resolute about having peace of mind and forging a new life for myself. I got up this morning and decided that I’m tired of all the crap. Tired of freaking out over this man who has taken up entirely too much of my life. I just want to be as far away from him as possible. If it weren’t for the fact that my two sons need to complete high school here, I’d not even live in this city.
I apologize for offending others here last night. I read all the posts. In reading them all, I see that through his “stealth” contact, even just a HINT of any contact from him triggers my anger BIG TIME. As well as peace of mind. It’s not a wonder that I did NOT like myself around this man. I have a new appreciation for life WITHOUT him. Hens, you’re right, there IS NO going back now. But the good thing about that is that I don’t WANT to go back. This is a huge turning point for me.
I can do this. And I do appreciate the support I have here.
LL