Review of ‘Love Fraud’ on the Psychopathy Awareness blog

Wow! I just had THE single most AWESOME therapy session!!!

First, I was told that therapist is leaving at the end of March to pursue other, more broad career options. I was saddened by this, but happy for him. He’s very good and wants to do more research and have more community involvement as well as grow his private practice, which, unfortunately, my insurance won’t cover. So a portion of our time together was spent in options given as to where to go and how to select a therapist that is right for me. I’ll see him a few more sessions and then that’s it, so in the meantime, to feel comfortable in transition, I’m going to seek services elsewhere and see if I can establish with another good therapist prior to his departure, as he is willing to meet with me and a new therapist if that would help the transition process.

I’m actually okay with this.

So the rest of the time was spent discussing the blog here and my reactions, which went into triggers, which then went into internet use, which then went into the complexities of people and not seeing the WHOLE picture online, which then went into a discussion about more social face to face interaction.

A LOT of stuff came up for me. I expressed to him that I was uncertain that isolated to relationships online (here,FB) was such a healthy thing for me. I feel differently, respond differently face to face than I do online. We discussed the dangers of it all around. That it’s really difficult to find the balance for a lot of people, but in my case more so. It’s SO EASY to say whatever online. I don’t have the balance in my life with face to face contact. My therapist observed that “when you’re sitting here with me, there IS NO issue in how you communicate. Remember when we talked about Personality Disorders last time you were here and I didn’t agree with you? Well, you were frustrated with me, but you handled it very well. You didn’t AGREE with me, but you handled it very well….”
And that is true. He brings up a very very VERY valid point for me and how to apply it to my life now.
We discussed more of my reactions, triggers online vs. face to face….so interesting!!!!

We also discussed black and white thinking and that that’s how abusers WANT you to think. It’s their way or the highway. It’s very difficult to break down those barriers to see that it ISN”T all black and white. People are more COMPLEX than the labels that are often applied. Online, you really don’t “know” anyone. While it seems safer, it might NOT be so much if there isn’t a balance in other areas of your life in FACE TO FACE contact, it’s amazing to me the labels I see callously or wrecklessly thrown around onto others online and it’s EVERYWHERE, without KNOWING that human being face to face. This is why I don’t advocate for dating sites either. it’s way too risky.”

**GULP**

I told him that I believed my reactions to be abusive at times. Careless and thoughtless. He shook his head and said, “yep, and that’s my GREATEST fear for my clients when coming out of an abusive relationship like this and it’s not uncommon. I understand that you feel traumatized and often triggered by things, being passionate about something is GREAT, but you have to understand that not everyone is going to see it your way, if you’re expressing an opinion and if you’re triggered, you just have to get up and walk away. DO NOT stay online. If you feel criticized or see criticisms tossed around or a disagreement and it triggers you, walk away. You’ve handled yourself very well IN REAL LIFE, up close and 3D, but NOT online. It’s too “easy” to cut loose. It’s easy to FORGET that, unless you actually MEET ANY of those people you don’t really “KNOW” them and they don’t really “KNOW” you, I’ve seen too many clients emotionally devastated or traumatized interacting online, not just having met a predator on an online dating site, but on blogs, chat sites, you name it.

He is right. I can see where he’s coming from and I agree with that to an extent. But I also DISAGREED at the same time, because there is LOTS of information that victims can obtain online that directly relates to the traumas they have suffered. Very FEW understand what it is to be the victim of a spath…his argument? Perhaps, but MANY know what it’s like to be traumatized by a TOXIC ABUSER. Good point.

I DO see clearly the differences between interacting face to face versus online. I see how conclusions are made that may be inaccurate about someone. Even a spath. Perhaps he’s right in that the human condition is often complex.

So we talked about how NOT to be a target. About getting out into the community more and getting past that fear of face to face contact. Another fear that he had for his clients was also about isolating after a trauma such as this. We also talked about self compassion. “The happiest people are those that have GREAT self compassion, understand that they’re human and will make mistakes”….Then we talked about Ghandi and how he CHOSE NOT TO PARTAKE in anger and hostility while trying to get his messages of compassion across. I’m getting caught in the anger and hostility that was spath. That was a HUGE HUGE HUGE enlightenment for me. Part of the slime left behind. I’m angry about what he did to me, and angry at myself too, but is it necessary to HANG ONTO it, or just let it pass through me and then let it go? I have to learn how to let go of things. He only has as much power as I give him and I’m seeing that I give my own power away too. And it hasn’t been to just him, it’s been to everyone around me. Looking outside for approval instead of looking within, not standing my ground in that my own opinion count and matter. I couldn’t do that with spath or my bio fam. But I saw them as “godly” so I believed everything they slimed me with, which took away and has, my power. I GIVE my power out rather than getting it from within. Everything in my life I have done has been to gain the approval of others. Including spath. I saw them as something none of them were. To change that is going to be VERY difficult, but I think having more interaction face to face will greatly improve that. At least I hope so.

I thought that isolating and sitting online probably is NOT a good thing. I also realize that a lot of my interactions with spath were ONLINE. It’s interesting that that was probably MEANT TO BE and that HE LIKED IT THAT WAY for a variety of reasons.
So when I go back to school I have classes AT school. I’ll start with that and see how it goes. I’ll approach with caution and learning about how to be SELF PROTECTIVE. Now I”m excited about school again. Meeting new people IN PERSON lol 🙂

Erin, I read what you wrote above and I think you’re correct. You’re one smart lady and I appreciate your input on the blog.

My therapist also suggested that I become apart of a religious organization that I’d feel comfortable in. Ohhhhh not quite yet. Tha’ts FILLED with spaths. Maybe someday in the future, but not ready to go that route yet.

There wasn’t enough time to address the issues that tie in with my children, but we’ll visit that next week, as well as working on getting rid of the fear that paralyzes me in dealing with people face to face. My therapist said, “60% of communication is in body language- you don’t get that online”….that is so true.

This is a big fear I need to walk past and get through. it’s also a time to see what works for me and what doesn’t. I love Claudia’s thoughtful approach to Erin’s posts, in that she sees the issues for herself that relate to her ex spath, but is resolute in continuing on her blog, which is what she feels she needs to continue. I ADMIRE THAT! And I do because it’s important to HER and I RESPECT THAT SO MUCH! That she was able to stand up for herself and say, “well, I see your point and you do make some good ones and I’m willing to look at those, but in this area, I’m going to do what’s right for me”.

And THAT people is where I have MISSED THE BUS!!!

I think being with a spath means one becomes an EXTREME conformist. It’s easier to go to the opposite extreme when freed from it. I have felt like a prisoner in that relationship. NOw I’m seeing where the lines to freedom are. I can’t go back. I could never ever go back.

We DID discuss in depth the triggers I’m having,. how to handle them better, but there are some things that we discussed that I think I’ll keep for myself. To chew and ponder on. I’ll miss this therapist a lot. Very intelligent and one that makes me THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX that I was in for sooooo many years. I’m reminded that this would NOT BE POSSIBLE with my spath. Being open to change, possibilities and other thought processes other than his own. I can’t remember when I had an opinion or thought that he considered at all valid. So much of that resonates with me in these strong feelings of INVALIDATION inside and wanting it so badly outside.

Just to be accepted, warts and all. I wasn’t allowed to have them, indentify them or do anything about them. I felt crystallized in his world.

NOw I finally feel like I have the chance to grow up. Even if it is a painful, yet also at the same time, LIBERATING process with each layer that is peeled away.

I appreciate this blog very much for the insights that this place affords me. I’m learning A LOT.

Thanks for reading.

LL