Like us, Claudia Moscovici had her run-in with a psychopath, one that almost destroyed her marriage. Since then, like many of us, she has thoroughly researched this destructive personality disorder. She started a blog called “Psychopathy Awareness,” and wrote two books: a novel called The Seducer, and an upcoming nonfiction book called Dangerous Liaisons.
In her review of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, Claudia writes, “I didn’t think I could learn much more about the subject, but Donna’s book proved me wrong.”
Read the entire review on Psychopathy Awareness.
Love Fraud is available in the Lovefraud Store.
Hi Kimmie,
I don’t know if it’s because i am sick and weepy, but your post hit me in the gut. It’s the sense of abandonment and helplessness i think.
your post is raw, honest and you took risks. i see it time and again here, especially since i read more than i participate now – as we come up to a big truth, we often become much more vulnerable ie. reactive and protective. it’s always a sign of healing kim.
i would take you up in my arms if we were in the same room, and just hold you. you have hit a deep deep meaningful revelation, so strong it is making me weep.
I wish I had more time to write, but i don’t have it right now.
(about being pointedly ignored or things dear to us being slagged by ignorant people – happens to most of us here. sometime.)
((((((((((((((((((((((kim))))))))))))))))))))))))))
…and kim, thank you for your post.
((((((((Onejoy)))))))) Thank you so much. I really needed that encouragement.
I’ve been listening to you Rene Girard link. That man IS BRILLIANT. Thanks for posting the link.
Claudia, google trauma bonds and read about it. You are more bonded to an abuser than you are to a normal, healthy person…. and every repition of abuse increases that bond. Intermittant reinforcement binds more tightly than does consistant love and care. The old I love you, go away, thing.
The reward on one incident, and the kick in the teeth on the next. Self-esteem goes down the toilet.
There are also power inbalances at play. I have almost always been dependant on some man, feeling trapped and alone and afraid and miserable.
I hope you read a little bit about trauma bonds. I don’t know if you were one of the ones who had a hard time breaking away from your psychopath, but for anybody who keeps going back, over and over again, it’s extremely informative.
Dear Kim,
I am going to address your post above to me honestly, it’s the only way I know how, because I DO VALUE your insight and your friendship here on LF—I have seen you make some remarkable progress here in your insight and in your ability to comfort others as well.
My “thing” with AA is that there are plenty and I think you will admit it too, “Dry drunks” in AA (NA etc as well) who are alcoholic + personality disordered and when they get “sober” they are still psychopathic and dangerous as a snake. Many times when two people get together at an AA group, both sober, and become a couple, one of them is also a “dry drunk” and the relationship is terrible. I’ve been burned by a lot of dry drunks, and therefore I tend to be very careful around people who are involved with AA—-it is a red flag for me to WATCH at least.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU as what I think of as a “dry drunk”—
As for BPD diagnosis, though some therapist hung that diagnosis on you it may or may not be true, and even if you were on the bottom end of it, BPD is like PPD there is a big scale on it and I think anyone who has been traumatized is going to have at some points in their life some TRAITS of BPD—–I can see that I have had a few of those traits and behaviors in myself at times of great stress.
I have never pointedly ignored you and I feel like we have enough of an open relationship that if I “needed” to ignore you I would tell you I was “Henry, tell Kim to pass the salt please.” LOL
We ALL want approval. We are human, therefore we want approval from those we like or admire or love. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t want approval from others.
Personally, Kim, I DO approve of you, I do like you, I do think you have come a looooooong way since you came here–when you came here you were crazeeee as a sheet house rat—-just like I was as crazeee as a sheet house rat! We have both come a long ways since those days and I’m personally proud of us both.
I think you may have been “trauma bonded” or “bonded to trauma” much or most of your life, but I see so much of that in myself as well. I’ve been reading that trauma therapy article stuff you posted and it is very interesting stuff.
http://www.healing-arts.org/healing_trauma_therapy/traumabonding-traumaticbonds.htm#trauma_bonding_and_the_psychobiology_of_trauma
I think one/Joy is right in that we get sort of raw, tired, afraid, vulnerable when we start to make a significant STEP or breakthrough on our healing journey. I think maybe that is where you are now. I think being in your OWN place is a big step kimmie, and I think it is one that you were reluctant to take but I think it is a positive step for you even if it is probably also a scary one.
Darling, I’d help One/joy hug you if I could reach through the screen–I ain’;t yer mama, but I am your friend, Kim. And I do approve of you! You’re a hell of a woman and you’re on a roll! So keep on rolling! (((hugs))))
Kim and Oxy, I just read Oxy’s link to healing arts/trauma bonds. Based on what I’ve gathered from those articles, it seems like Stockholm Syndrome is just one kind of trauma bond. But this type of self-defeating bonding, which hurts the victim, is much broader.
I had absolutely no problem breaking up with the psychopath once I discovered his malice and the lie that unraveled all the other lies. For me the real ongoing trauma has been the anger I felt for ever having fallen for such a bad person and for believing that he was a wonderful, caring and romantic partner, as he presented himself to be.
But I’m pretty sure that the psychopath’s wife is trauma bonded to him because she stays with him, and can’t live without him, no matter how openly he psychologically tortures her, by cheating constantly on her, manipulating her, lying to her and pressuring her to collude with his lies to others. It used to be that he did all of this underhandedly, behind her back. But for years he’s been doing it to her face, as if to purposely humiliate her.
I couldn’t quite understand why she–or why anybody–would put up with such overt emotional abuse, if they’re not somehow forced to through physical violence and extreme fear. This article on trauma bonding, however, explains a lot.
Thank you for your honest and considerate response Oxy. I do feel better having said something cause it was really bothering me. I hate that feeling, and I hate addressing it…but I’m glad I did, and I do apreciate your gentleness.
I don’t know for sure what is going on with me…I just feel really sad….sorry for the little kid in me and sorry for the young woman I was and sorry for the post menepausal crazy old cat lady I am.
I hate how I squandered my life. I’m very lonely and don’t remember how to make friends.
I am really isolated and you guys here, ARE MY SOCIAL LIFE.
My self esteem is crap. I’m afraid of being rejected by people.
I know I’m not normal because my life looks nothing like the normal peoples lives I see around me.
I’m not usually this down on myself and I can only atribute it to the trauma bonds thing I’m becoming aware of. It hurts. I know it’s a good thing to become more aware…but it’s hard, too.
Thanks again Oxy. ((((HUGS)))))
kim, really good posts, I can really relate,
and the sadness regarding how I squandered MY life
is sometime unbearable. I’ve got to go now,
thank you for putting this “out there”.
kim frederick,
I read your post – how I relate to you. You are a poster who’s comments I enjoy reading (learning from them). You’re real, authentic, appreciating your presence on LF very much. I feel like I get ignored too, but I go on. You come across as a trustworthy poster (which I like) – whoever posts here is safe with you, being able to reveal themselves (at gut level) without feeling threatened or intimidated by doing so. I am not at the place where you are – free to share a lot about yourself (you’re stronger, more secure than I am), but I respect those who are able to do so, learning from and identifying with what others reveal about themselves. In the end, I think that you are a terrific person who has a lot to offer others (and does so) everyday. I hope that you feel better, hating to “see” you so down. Peace.
Kim. Whoa!
‘I feel damaged and I don’t think I can have a normal relationship. I don’t even try’.
Sounds like the last thing you need right now is a relationship.
Seems like there is a lot of other stuff going on that needs sorting out first.
I don’t know your full story but……I do know that if we wear a sad face people avoid us like the plague. So even if you are feeling down (and it sounds like you are) try to put on a smile and be cheery. People will warm to you more readily.
When my husband died (suicide) people were kind but they soon got ‘over’ it. I was still dealing with it. So I decided to make a point of talking about anything except him and it worked. People felt threatened and uncomfortable talking about something they could not understand.
It’s good here because people DO understand, they have trodden the path we now tread. There is a great deal of compassion and empathy which other people in our lives ‘don’t get’.
So don’t be too hard on yourself. You do not need OUR approval we will not judge you…….although we may kick ass sometimes!!
Read Ox’s cow eating blog, it’s funny and gets things into perspective.