Like us, Claudia Moscovici had her run-in with a psychopath, one that almost destroyed her marriage. Since then, like many of us, she has thoroughly researched this destructive personality disorder. She started a blog called “Psychopathy Awareness,” and wrote two books: a novel called The Seducer, and an upcoming nonfiction book called Dangerous Liaisons.
In her review of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, Claudia writes, “I didn’t think I could learn much more about the subject, but Donna’s book proved me wrong.”
Read the entire review on Psychopathy Awareness.
Love Fraud is available in the Lovefraud Store.
Neveragain, I’m so sorry to hear about how much that man hurt you. As for the psychopath, he probably targeted you because you were so vulnerable given your painful past. Psychopaths are not very intelligent in general and can’t read people’s negative signals well. But they sure can zero in instinctively, like the predators they are, on vulnerability…
Your psychopathic ex-lover sounds very similar to mine: including the detail about the constant sexual jokes and the puerile sense of humor. And of course they lie about dumping the women who dumped them. They can’t stand rejection because they need to be the ones in charge. I think that is the main reason why these psychopathic ex-lovers continue to harass us. They need to end it on THEIR terms and they need to finish the job of destroying us and our families. It’s always only about POWER with them.
neveragain,
I am so sorry you went through such horrible experiences,
but inspired by your ability to change and be a thriving survivor!
Shabby, I very deliberately applied the 4th agreement to my job when I came back from Costa Rica: “Always do your best.” It really transformed my experience at the job. I was thinking about doing a presentation on these agreements at work, because we get merit increases based on customer service scores. I know our scores will be higher if we’re happier at work.
Claudia,
Yes, antibiotics and pain meds. Dental appointment to address the tooth on Monday. It broke in half a couple of days ago. I have an ear infection to boot, lol! But taking it all in stride. I just HATE being down. That’s one of the hardest parts of self care for me, is TRULY putting that one into action. I’m not very good at just going with it.
I do miss him. I wouldn’t be shocked if he were faithful to new gf. At least for the moment. But because I’ve blocked myself from checking, I”ll never really know. But he should NOT have been playing these little mind games with me in the covert way that he does, if he IS faithful to her, even if briefly.
But there is more to it than that. The very EMOTION behind the MISSING is feeling NEEDY, or rather, in a more self compassionate way, feeling this need to be CARED for when I’m sick and I think I’m projecting that onto what he’s doing with gf too. It’s love bomb stage over there.
Perhaps it’s because I have not been very self compassionate. My tooth, while it seems rather silly, the pain is almost worse than childbirth, but I think it’s very symbolic of the neglect I’ve given myself for all the years spent pandering to him. I ignored my health and my life all around. Well, now it’s time to fix that, and I”ve been fixing it with my health, going to doc appointments, therapy. I had a breast biopsy done recently, which was benign and for that I’m very grateful. Another symbolism of my neglect. The lump had been growing for awhile. Learning that there are consequences to every decision or LACK THERE OF, is a real eye opener.
There is anger too. For all the years given, all the years lost. There is a monumental sense of grief.
In some ways, the parts of me that I thought were dead, are slowly coming back to life. I was so numb, or angry or so severely depressed, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, but I had an interesting experience yesterday while trying to be MINDFUL and enjoy what’s in the now. Actually a few the last few days. Two involved my sons and my daughter while spending family time together. Music is a huge sore spot for me right now. It’s VERY hard to listen to because ex was a musician as a hobby or in the past, as a side gig. My son bought two beautiful hand made Native American flutes for my daughter’s bf. So we went to his place to pick them up and bring them to mine, so that he could present it to daughter’s bf. On the way back to my place, my son played them. It was such a beautiful sound and he plays so many things so well…but this was something much different. Soul soothing. I ENJOYED it very much.
On the other hand, in thinking about that, little memories of music and ex start to pop up in my mind. I remember a story he told me over and over again. I wonder if this story was apart of the web he weaved to wound me so much. THe way he asked his second wife to marry him. Playing a song on his sax to her at a park at midnight, with a ring attached to one of the keys. It hurt then and it hurts now. I was never going to be one of those women who got that from him. He implied it so many times…but it was a major blow to me because I realized when it was over that that was one of his carrots and the status quo “you are not deserving of that and you will never have me that way”.
I always had this vague feeling that he treated his wife better and his first wife better and now this gf better. That’s what he wanted me to think. He made sure he let me know about the vacations they were taking, the things he did to be with her or involved with the kids, ignored me, silenced me, yet would come back with that carrot and hang it in my face.
So many times, “I’m sick of this bitch and her crap. I’m going to ask her for a divorce!” Then the next day act like nothing ever happened.
On the one hand, I feel incredibly loved and supported right now. And the strings to my heart are finally starting to play a little. But there is incredible void and pain from the reality that I somehow didn’t measure up enough to be one of the “special” ones in his life which creates this feeling in that I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.
Having said that, now I have to think about all the rest. The bad stuff, the essence of who he was, try to see through all the stories and showing of love and concern and spoiling to alll of these women, while he abused the living hell out of me. That is very difficult to reconcile for me.
As you can see, I’m having a tough time today.
Just trying to muddle through, cry when it hurts. Read more articles here to keep me in reality. My feet on the ground. In the present and when the memories come, ask myself where they are from. It’s always a deeper layer to peel away.
LL
Hi neveragain,
Yes, familiar story. It’s so sad to me that the memory of “first love” is tarnished by all of the trauma. This is a memory that should be cherished. My first “love” as I call it was also a trauma bond for me. He was a total playboy. Everybody knew it, including me. But one day I fell for him, even though we never really even really dated (we lived in the same dorm). I still thought about him and dreamt about him for years. We would run into each other for years a few times a year, and this kept the feelings alive for me. Basically, we had a physical attraction but his emotional aloofness was the trigger for the betrayal bond. I so wanted him to love me.
Anyway, I’m so glad you’re doing better; this has been nearly a lifelong journey for you.
LL, Yes, the tooth is a symptom of your neglect of yourself. I hope the pain medication will numb the pain, at least until the antibiotics beat the infection, which can take up to a week.
I know what you’re going through, this ambivalence and pain between the love of the man you thought he was (the memories associated with that mirage) and the real him, whom you definitely don’t want in your life.
Please don’t feel sad that he never picked you as a wife. Just look at how he treated his wives and the nasty things he said about them. Imagine what he did or does to them, since they’re closer to him in proximity and therefore also more under his thumb.
Neveragain,
I missed the post above about your being raped. I’m so sorry and I understand how the trauma bond would be even more difficult to break with your first love. Like you and Star, I had a similar experience with my first love too and the abuse put me on the brink of suicide.
Like Star, I so wanted him to love me. Star, emotional aloofness. Mine too. It is sad. Very sad.
Claudia,
Thank you for your care and support and willingness to share your perspectives. I appreciate them very much. I’m still raw, I think. I am getting better at being able to identify my emotions and stay connected to the present. I love that little stirrings inside are going on that help me connect with my children again.
Claudia, I know that what you’re saying is truth. Sometimes I need to be reminded of them. It’s the “snapshots” that kept me going back. It’s the WHOLE picture I need to be reminded of.
Did your P have children with his wife?
I can’t recall how you met him. I apologize.
I’ve been navigating your blog. When I click on the right hand side, I only see a partial viewing of the content within the subject. How can I open that to read it in its entirety?
I’m anxious to see your article next week, but there are more there I’d like to read if I can manage to get the entire article up.
LL
Thank you all, and LL I’m so very sorry you had to go through all you did also!
Neveragain,
Thank you. It’s good to see how strong you are! I’m new to all of this, but seeing those in SURVIVOR mode is helping me get through too. I’m also a rape survivor. I understand. Thanks for sharing!
LL