Like us, Claudia Moscovici had her run-in with a psychopath, one that almost destroyed her marriage. Since then, like many of us, she has thoroughly researched this destructive personality disorder. She started a blog called “Psychopathy Awareness,” and wrote two books: a novel called The Seducer, and an upcoming nonfiction book called Dangerous Liaisons.
In her review of my book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, Claudia writes, “I didn’t think I could learn much more about the subject, but Donna’s book proved me wrong.”
Read the entire review on Psychopathy Awareness.
Love Fraud is available in the Lovefraud Store.
One – thanks for the book title.
Sky – OMG. Am thinking at this point that you had a very lucky escape.
As for the book….why not start right here with all of the info. It would need to be a title that the ‘ordinary’ person could understand (the word psychopath means nothing to the everyday man/woman) and call it ‘He’s a Liar and a Cheat but He Loves Me’
**Pass the bucket again**
Claudia and Candy,
whoops I just realized that Claudia was the one who said,
“Skylar, your psychopath chopped your finger off???”
I thought it was Candy, so I began addressing my posts to her.
I can’t see very well without my reading glasses and your names both start with C…
Thank you both for listening to my rants about the spath. It’s cathartic to write about it. (hugs and kisses) to you both. I can’t express how much love I have for the people on LF. No one else can understand what it’s like to live in the land of spath.
Sky, it’s a good thing he didn’t chop your fingers off, because if you’re serious about writing a book, your book is practically writing itself on this thread.
Ch. 1: the incident with the grotesque fingers in the box, leading to his envy of your typing abilities (I bet it wasn’t just of your typing abilities, but also of your thinking and writing abilities, which are very much in evidence on this blog…). This is how you set the scene and engage readers to offer them, later, a lot of helpful information.
Ch. 2: a chapter about how you got there that offers general information about psychopaths and explains how he lured you and got you under his control. You wouldn’t need more than a chapter on them because there’s so much information already about psychopaths.
Ch. 3: A chapter that offers information about their victims.
Chs. 4, 5 and 6: Autobiographical chapters that narrate the most poignant aspects of your life with him and how he brainwashed you, as you state, into doing practically everything he asked for 25 years.
Chs. 7 and 8: Back to more clinical information explaining how this could possibly happen to decent women, like yourself. These two chapters would go over what so many of you discuss here: trauma bonding and co-dependency.
Ch. 9: The last chapter would show a way out of this dark tunnel. You’d write here about how you finally opened your eyes, escaped the psychopath after 25 yrs. with him, and are growing as a person, rebuilding your life. I think it’s important to inform people about psychopathic bonds, but also to show there’s HOPE and A WAY OUT for the victims.
By the way, regarding the finger chopping fetish, I saw an amazing movie about an abusive relationship where the man had the same fetish as your ex about chopping off fingers. It was called Piano (1993). It’s such a nuanced and psychological movie, and that scene of him chopping off her finger (because the woman was mute and she expressed herself primarily through playing the piano) was so striking and violent, that I still haven’t forgotten that movie. Here’s the link to it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107822/
Wow Claudia,
thank you for your vote of confidence and the chapters.
I know what I would call my book: Everything I ever needed to know, I learned from my sociopath.
It’s true, I’m a different person. It’s like growing up again and having new eyes.
Before, I would not, could not, understand an entire layer of meaning in human relations. It’s like I was living in the two-dimensional spath world, my entire life. Once the shit hit the fan and I began studying what makes them AND us tick, … well I’m at a loss for words to explain what’s different. It’s just more meaningful and life has another dimension, more depth.
It’s harder to navigate 3D than 2D. But also more rewarding. I’m looking forward to continuing exploring the wonders of a 3D world. Thanks for being there with me. Your posts make me feel optimistic for some reason.
Sky, That’s a very good title; I hope you’ll eventually write the book. I appreciate your posts, and so many other posts here, as well. That’s what we’re here for. To help each other re-emerge from the tunnel and flourish.
Candy, I looked at the link you provided on co-dependency. I think you’re right that even though this term may have originated to describe drug or alcohol addiction, it can be applied just as well to addiction to a psychopath: to enabling him to harm others (and us). Trauma bonding and co-dependency/addiction explain a lot about the behavior of women who stay with psychopaths long after the “Prince Charming” mask is gone.
SKy,
Your writing is so good, I think a book would be a great outlet for you and a gift for those of us who would read it.
Well, he contacted me again last night. This time, I was super pissed. While grey rock was definitely an option, I chose boring instead. This was a response from me last night with regards to his sending me the question mark “???????” within content of an invite I sent last SEPTEMBER regarding an IM invite to his Windows Messenger. In his return response last night, it said “it was sent to my inbox 2/26”. That was it. That’s all it said.
So this was my response: “There is no way that you just “received” that IM request. Even if it were so, you would have easily seen the date of receipt. I’m extremely happy (lie). I’m over it (lie). Please do NOT contact me again. Good Luck.”
I think that’s the shortest response I have ever given lol!
As I wrote those words, the extremely happy part, was a lie and I knew it. I didn’t CARE when it came to his snarky ass. I’m not “over it” either…but that was only a half truth.
I think I’ve mentioned this here before, but when he use to contact me before when I went NC, I would be excited or happy that he was thinking about me. Now, I’m just irritated. I’m irritated because I see who he really is. What he has really done. What he will continue to do. He does this to irritate me ONLY and that’s the ONLY reason. This isn’t a back burner issue for him with me. It’s done only to see how I will react and nothing more. If there is no reaction from me in the way that he’s been accustomed, I’m not fun anymore. He HATED it when he thought I was happier without him, thus his wanting to suck me in before and try to destroy me. Not this time. I’ve been so proud of myself. I’ve not checked his dating site or his fb. I’ve been tempted, but instead I come here, or I pray or I call a friend or I do something with my kids. I think this is my way of self preservation. I no longer think of him the way I use too. For me that is GREAT progress. The stench of his slime he left behind remains within. I still have many moments of “what’s he doing with her” and Moments of “I miss him…I miss sex”…but it doesn’t last as long as it use to because all I’ve learned here, all the things I know are true, all the emails/IM’s he sent me (I read some of them last night and see so clearly the evil manipulation, projection, blame, emotional/verbal abuse and cruelty), that are truly awful look soooo much different to me than before now.
ONe thing that has helped me and in fact has been a major blessing, is that in the last year, ALL of my prior abusers have attempted to come back into my life. ALL are still the same as they were. NONE of them have changed, and in fact, their lives are as empty and aimless as before. They are has beens on the road of life. They’ve run out of cronies, with the exception of one or two, who don’t understand who they clearly are.
I will probably never see this with last ex. But I don’t have to see it to know it. This will sound very selfish, but I’m so glad he has a new gf to keep his drama going. It keeps him occupied and sexed up enough that he leaves me, for the very most part, alone.
I think without a reaction, he’ll slither away. He might try to throw another stone my direction, and I doubt he’ll even do that but it will be ignored. I’m no “fun” anymore. And I’m quite happy to be my boring peaceful self lol! Seeing him from the perspective to which I have educated myself and prayed very hard for God to release my trauma bond to him, to see him for the evil he is, is truly working. For that I feel grateful.
Just wanted to share that this morning.
LL
PS. I didn’t buy into his BS about getting an IM invite from me that he JUST received when it was sent LAST SEPTEMBER either. LOL!
That was just toooooo funny!
LL
I think the term co-dependent and the terms enabling are so close as to be like psychopath/socipoath…because the “co-dependent” person is a person who is “enabling” the addict/bad actor/dysfunctional one to continue to be able to accomplish their bad acts without the ultimate consequences that go with bad behavior.
It is from bad to REALLLLLY BAD, from picking their clothes up off the floor because they are too lazy to covering up a murder they have committed and everything in between.
I know that I have been an “informed victim” but in denial about my own enabling I continued to enable, to be co-dependent, and to allow abuse of myself and others by mitigating the consequences of their behavior. I engaged in things I knew were dishonest and told myself it was okay because it was for the greater good…I kept the dark family secrets secret. I assumed the shame for someone else’s bad behavior. I made myself a co-conspirator in my own abuse.
Mr. Lincoln freed the slaves, but I have FREED MYSELF from the slavery of abuse by others and I intend to STAY FREE, and LIVE FREE, and BE FREE for the rest of my life. No one can enslave me again unless I ALLOW IT and conspire to help them. Along with the FREEDOM I have I also have the RESPONSIBILITY to take care of myself and my own needs, to be honest and up front with others and WITH MYSELF, to set boundaries and to respect boundaries, the boundaries of myself and others.
With any “right” or “freedom” we have there are always “responsibilities” to go along with them. I am determined to respect those and to respect myself and others. If I give away my responsibilities by not fulfilling them, then I also give away my rights and my freedoms as well. Everything comes at a price, even freedom.
LL, Good for you! I think it’s important that you told him not to contact you again, because if he does, you could go to the police and file a restraining order against him. I think the law says all you need is to let the person know that you don’t want him to contact you anymore. If he continues, you can take legal action against him (I’m saying this as much to you as to myself, since we’re in a similar cyberstalking/harassment situation).
Dear LL, QUOTE: “before I went NC…” You are NO LONGER NC, you responded.
When you respond, even if you respond only “FARK YOU” it is still a REWARD for them, they got NOTICED. So as long as you respond, you are NOT NC. Like DeBecker says in the “Gift of Fear” they learn that if it takes 30 attempts to get you to respond then they will do it, you are INTERMITTENTLY RESPONDING/REWARDING him so you are only encouraging him to respond and keep on. it is only through NO CONTACT, nada, zip, zero, nil, NONE, that we can win.
You are still playing his game. HE JUST SCORED A BIG POINT. You lost.