The Penn State bombshell exploded on November 4, 2011. That’s when court documents were posted online indicating that Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach, would be charged with 40 counts related to sex crimes involving minors.
Since then, Jerry Sandusky has been convicted and sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison. Graham Spanier, the Penn State president, Gary Schultz, a vice president, and Tim Curley, the athletic director, were all charged with crimes related to an alleged cover-up of Sandusky’s predatory actions. They are awaiting trial.
Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, was not charged with anything. Paterno died on January 22, 2012. Shortly before that, he gave an interview with Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post. After reading it, I posted an article on the Lovefraud Blog (Joe Paterno and ignorance of evil) stating that “yes, I can believe that Joe Paterno was clueless.” Many Lovefraud readers posted that I was wrong—that Paterno had to know what was going on.
Six months later, Louis Freeh, former director of the FBI, was retained by Penn State in an effort to discover what actually went wrong. On July 12, 2012, Freeh released a scathing report of his investigation into the sordid sex scandal. The executive summary stated;
Four of the most powerful people at The Pennsylvania State University—President Graham B. Spanier, Senior Vice President-Finance Gary C. Schultz, Athletic Director Timothy M. Curley and Head Football Coach Joseph V. Paterno—failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade. These men concealed Sandusky’s activities from the Board of Trustees, the University community and authorities. They exhibited a striking lack of empathy for Sandusky’s victims by failing to inquire as to their safety and well-being, especially by not attempting to determine the identity of the child who Sandusky assaulted in the Lasch Building in 2001.
Wrong and wrong again
I posted an article about the report on the Lovefraud Blog (With the Penn State report, a public understanding of unbelievable betrayal). In it, I admitted that I was wrong about Joe Paterno. “Even I wanted to believe,” I wrote. “Six months ago, I wrote an article postulating that maybe Joe Paterno really didn’t know what Sandusky was doing, that he couldn’t conceive of such evil in his midst. Obviously, I was wrong.”
Well, now it seems that I may have been wrong when I said I was wrong.
The family of Joe Paterno released a report last week that blasted the Freeh report as “a rush to injustice.” This report, released on Paterno.com, had its own cast of heavyweights as contributing authors. In an overview, the law firm of King and Spalding wrote:
We conclude that the observations as to Joe Paterno in the Freeh report are unfounded, and have done a disservice not only to Joe Paterno and to the Penn State University community, but also to the victims of Jerry Sandusky and the critical mission of educating the public on the dangers of child sexual victimization.
Critique of Freeh report
I read the expert report contributed by Jim Clemente, a former FBI profiler and expert in sex crimes investigations, sex offender behavior, child sexual victimization and child pornography. He makes a very convincing argument that the Freeh report got it wrong.
Watch the Clemente video and download the report here
The full report is almost 100 pages long. I recommend that everyone read Section III, “Behavioral dynamics of acquaintance child sex offenders, which is seven pages long (pages 10 to 17 in the pdf). In it, Clemente explains:
- “Nice-guy” child sex offenders are much more prevalent, effective, and prolific than the stereotypical “stranger danger” type offender.
- Offenders who “groom” typically seek out needy, isolated, or disadvantaged children and provide both emotional and tangible things to fill the needs of those children.
- Children who are groomed into sexual victimization typically do not call out to be rescued or disclose when questioned about possible victimization because of a complex set of social and psychological factors.
- People tend to demonize the offenders to an extreme, calling them “evil,” “monsters,” and “predators,” such that they don’t want to believe that anyone they know could possibly be that evil.
- The combination of nice-guy acquaintance offending, coupled with the “conspiracy of silence” by victims and “compliant victimization,” is why Paterno did not know that Sandusky was really a child molester
In a careful point-by-point analysis, Clemente explains why he believes Paterno did not know what Sandusky was really doing, and why he was not involved in a conspiracy. Clemente talks at length about the 2001 incident in which former quarterback Mike McQueary saw Sandusky in the shower with a boy and reported it to Paterno. Clemente basically says that McQueary—himself traumatized by what he saw—did not clearly articulate that he believed Sandusky was engaged in a sexual assault, and relied only on innuendo. And because Paterno had known Sandusky for 30 years, and was such a well-known prude (Paterno’s family reported that he thought the old TV show The Love Boat was too racy), the old guy didn’t get the hint.
In the end, the report points out the shortcomings of the Freeh investigation in order to clear Joe Paterno’s name. It says Paterno was not part of a cover-up, although it does not make that statement regarding Spanier, Schultz and Curley.
Flip flops
I’m not the only one doing flip flops about this case. Phil Knight, co-founder of Nike, initially supported Joe Paterno. But after the Freeh report was released, he took Paterno’s name off of a child development center at Nike headquarters. Last week, Knight blasted the Freeh report. According to SportsIllustrated.cnn.com:
“When this tragic story first unfolded Joe cautioned all of us to slow down and carefully gather the facts before jumping to conclusions,” Knight said in the statement. “We owed it to the victims, he said, to get to the truth. It was counsel we all should have followed.”
In the final analysis, Jerry Sandusky was proven a predator in this case—but beyond that, I’m not sure of anything. And I think that’s the takeaway lesson for all of us.
“Nice guy” sex offenders and other sociopaths are all master manipulators. They manipulate not only their victims, but the people around the victims, law enforcement and other authorities, institutions and the media. When sociopaths are involved, figuring out the truth is always going to be difficult.
Finding the truth
The truth is hard to find when we are directly involved in a case. When we are only reading about situations, either in the mainstream media or here on the Lovefraud Blog, there are endless opportunities for misinformation and misinterpretation. When reading an article, for example, the information we get is limited by what the reporter decided to include. Our opinions can also be influenced by how a reporter slants a story.
We always need to be cognizant of the fact that reading words on a page or screen is an extremely limited form of communication. Experts know that 65% to 90% of the meaning of human communication is nonverbal—body language, tone of voice, facial expressions. When you’re reading information, therefore, 65% to 90% of the meaning of the communication is missing. So what do we do? We fill in the blanks with what we want the communication to mean.
After having been burned by a sociopath, and determined not to be fooled or conned again, we are likely to see more evil intentions than we did in the past. In fact, we may see evil intentions where none exist. Yes, approximately 12% of the population have serious personality disorders that make them exploiters. But that still means 88% of the population is not disordered.
Now we know that sociopaths exist. So now, I think it’s important to stay alert, but be cautious in passing judgment. There may be many facts that are unreported. There may be reasons for any situation. Unless we are directly involved, and sometimes even when we are directly involved, we may not have all the information we need to evaluate the truth of any given story. It’s a good idea to pause before reacting.
Thank u all for the support and encouragement. I did not sleep a wink last night, realizing a few serious risks to taking this position. The area that im in has outrageous childcare costs and I did not consider the fact that I will lose our current medical coverage and have to pay for an expensive policy. Once we leave transitional housing I will not be able to afford housing and daycare. Im bummed, but I dont want to make a fast decision out of fear and end up in a worse space. Sometimes I really regret leaving hawaii, because I had a really good set up with my job and reserve career and a great daycare that was lisenced, accredited, safe, clean, etc. I had my own place, a regular routine, friendly acquaintences, a beautiful valley that we would take long walks and runs in. I miss my life so much. The only thing jamming life up was a 3 hour round trip commute and the constant threat of spathy. Im feeling pretty discouraged. I wish I had made some better choices, but I was so alarmed with the detective inte
Interview regarding the missing person case and his stalking and keying my car, etc. I was leary of continuing to bring my little one to his supervised visits, furious about the performance he was putting on and afraid that his grand performance would lend him credibility WHEN he decided to take me to court to revise custody agreement. I made some quick decisions out of fear and im so exhausted that im merely trudging through life trying to keep a brave face on for my daughter. She sees me cry every single day. This cant be good for her. I wanted to protect her from my/his sick family, but with my ineffective coping and growing irritability and impatience, am I any better for her to be around. I try to remember all the nastiness ive experienced with him and his family, because lately I have been tempted to “reach out” to them for help. And then I think of cappuccino queen and the tradgedy she and prince suffered, knowing my ex spath is capable of similar horror. Please pray for me if u r at all inclined toward prayer. Im feeling pretty desperate and hopeless right now. Im holding on for better days but some times it feels like this can of worms is too tangled to ever straighten out. I feel like the worst mother to have turned her/our life into this.
LPMarie ~
Take a deep breath, honey. Me thinks you are having anxiety over yet another change coming into your life.
I can only imagine how much you miss your former life, but that “constant threat of spathy” was a HUGE threat to baby girl’s safety for the next 17 YEARS. You did the right thing, the only thing you could.
I’m confused, can’t you get VA health insurance? I’m sure you have looked into that. I don’t know a whole lot about it, hubby just now is looking into some benefits that he didn’t realize he was entitled to through VA.
I know with day care, if you have NOTHING, you get help, otherwise it seems like you are on your own, just not right. Maybe you could find something with a sliding scale as far as costs ???
You are right, take your time, consider all your options. Get your calculator out and do a “what is best”. AND – get some sleep.
((((hugs)))))
Thank u MiLo. I can get VA healthcare, but peanut will not be eligible. Im stressed bc I have to accept or decline by 12 today. If I take this job, it will bump me just above the cut off for daycare and healthcare assistance. It seems like in this state, the thing to do is soak up state benefits and I have a hard time doing that. I miss my independence and security. Maybe I should just decline this particular position and get back into a graduate program and live off of student loans. In the long run it would likely benefit us the most. My anxiety disorder is damn near crippling at present. Im seeing a psychologist at the VA next week for an assessment. Maybe I gotta do some more intense therapy so I can cope more effectively and move on. I could likely get childcare assistance to attend an outpatient program, like respite. I already did an impatient program when I was pregnant with peanut. It was pretty helpful and I believe it enabled me to leave spathy after my daughter was born. I hope ur hibby gets the VA bebefits he is entitled to. Best of luck with it.
LPMarie, I made nearly every decision and choice during my lifetime as a result of FEAR. Fear creates an atmosphere of panic that creates a “feeling” that something needs to be done, immediately, and that simply isn’t usually the case. So, I completely identify with the fear-factor.
MiLo is spot-on: breathe and slow down. Then, consider what all of your options are, today. Not tomorrow or next week, but today. If you are eligible for public assistance, USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE – caps are not meant to convey yelling, but emphasis, only. I believe that your daughter would certainly be eligible for health coverage as being a dependent, though I could very well be wrong about that – it’s definitely something worth looking into, deeper.
As for daycare, etc…..there are alternatives to expensive day care that include hiring a live-in nanny at a reasonable rate. Of course, this would require interviews, background checks (criminal, civil, and credit – ALL 3), and the “nanny” would receive room and board, with a reasonable salary. Research this option, LPMarie.
One of the most ugly aspects of healing from spaths’ carnages is that our self-esteem, self-assuranc, self-worth, and every other heatlhy “Self-ism” was damaged or destroyed. So, of course, I’m going to focus on the most negative aspects of whatever I’m facing simply because I am accustomed to failure, dismissal, and even self-sabotage.
You have made your way with incredible courage, dignity, and positive recovery. Whichever decision you make, you’re going to be just fine, in due time. Try to avoid focusing on regrets, or “what ifs,” because that only feeds the most negative apsects. We cannot change the past. We only have what’s going on, right now, and we can’t predict what’s going to happen, tomorrow.
Brightest and most encouraging blessings to you
LPMarie ~ Just a thought here, I do not know if this would work at all, just a thought for you to check out if you have time and are interested.
Could you make a payroll deduction into a college savings account for peanut or a payroll deduction into an IRA or health savings plan that could LEGALLY – OFFICIALLY reduce your pay so that you are eligible.
Again, not at all sure of the legalities of this, just a thought.
LPMarie, I suggest that as a combat veteran you go back to the VA and check about SERVICE CONNECTED PTSD disability. This high level of FEAR and ANXIETY, depression and crying all the time can very well be combat connected…I suggest you do this ASAP. The PTSD from THAT could be keeping you from being able to handle the stress you are experiencing with “life” issues.
It saps our ability to cope with other issues as they come up. We can do okay as long as the road is smooth but if there are any pot holes or rocks along the way, we fall down. Believe me, sugar, I know from experience on this. (((Hugs))) and my prayers always.
LPMarie,
Please do not think of state assistance as taking your independance away.I know it can be a pain,keeping up with the interviews and paperwork.But it’s there to HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEED THE HELPING HAND.You’ve already come a long way;you can feel proud of what you’ve accomplished!You’re not a ‘deadbeat’ parent because you are trying to cope with so many difficult problems at once!Right now,just take care of yourself and peanut!Towanda to you! (((Hugs)))
MiLo and Ox Drover,
I had to decline that job. I am truly realizing how much of a toll the past few years, and especially the last year has taken on me mentally and emotionally. I am meeting with a VA counselor next week for an assessment. I am service connected for PTSD and went through an inpatient program for 9 weeks while I was pregnant with baby girl. Unfortunately, I was still with Spathy and still under the spell, believing I was the one abusing him, etc. But I do believe some of the skills I learned there and also becoming a mother and wanting to protect my daughter enabled me to get together the strength to leave him.
As much as I hate to admit it, after another sleepless night riddled with anxiety, I am thinking I am not quite ready to reenter the work force. Although I have been receiving counseling, I’m not sure anyone really “gets” what happened to me with Spathy. I struggle to cope. Two out of state moves and associated challenges have not helped the stress, either, but we are better off no where near my or his family.
I feel like a flake for doing a complete 180 overnight, but I think I need to sllloooowwww way down like all of you are suggesting. I’m still really beating myself up for allowing all of this to happen. I need some help processing all of this grief and change. Sorry if I have rambled on here… (((HUGS))) to you all. Thank you for supporting me.
Marie, STRESS takes time to overcome….and PEACE…and you have had neither the TIME or peace to process all the stress you’ve had. Here is a partial list of the stress you’ve had. COMBAT. Having a baby, having a relationship with a P. THREE cross country moves, moving in with your P family, being homeless with a baby…and I am sure you could add to the list. ANY THREE of those things in a 3 year period put you OVER THE TOP on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale….so sweetie, you have PLENTY OF REASON TO BE ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL, DEPRESSED AND NOT READY TO ENTER THE WORK FORCE….so, I realize that where you are in the shelter is putting you up against some women who sound to me like BPD, you can handle that in order to buy yourself some tiime to HEAL and get some counseling etc.
Hang in there girlfriend! You can do this. I think you made a good decision to decline the job for now. There was a time when I scored 1500 on the Holmes and Rahe (300 is top out for “crazy”) and I was crazy as a shiat house rat! Looking back I don’t know how I managed to brush my teeth much less anything else. So just take care of YOU and the PEANUT! (((HUGS AND PRAYERS))))