The Penn State bombshell exploded on November 4, 2011. That’s when court documents were posted online indicating that Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach, would be charged with 40 counts related to sex crimes involving minors.
Since then, Jerry Sandusky has been convicted and sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison. Graham Spanier, the Penn State president, Gary Schultz, a vice president, and Tim Curley, the athletic director, were all charged with crimes related to an alleged cover-up of Sandusky’s predatory actions. They are awaiting trial.
Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, was not charged with anything. Paterno died on January 22, 2012. Shortly before that, he gave an interview with Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post. After reading it, I posted an article on the Lovefraud Blog (Joe Paterno and ignorance of evil) stating that “yes, I can believe that Joe Paterno was clueless.” Many Lovefraud readers posted that I was wrong—that Paterno had to know what was going on.
Six months later, Louis Freeh, former director of the FBI, was retained by Penn State in an effort to discover what actually went wrong. On July 12, 2012, Freeh released a scathing report of his investigation into the sordid sex scandal. The executive summary stated;
Four of the most powerful people at The Pennsylvania State University—President Graham B. Spanier, Senior Vice President-Finance Gary C. Schultz, Athletic Director Timothy M. Curley and Head Football Coach Joseph V. Paterno—failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade. These men concealed Sandusky’s activities from the Board of Trustees, the University community and authorities. They exhibited a striking lack of empathy for Sandusky’s victims by failing to inquire as to their safety and well-being, especially by not attempting to determine the identity of the child who Sandusky assaulted in the Lasch Building in 2001.
Wrong and wrong again
I posted an article about the report on the Lovefraud Blog (With the Penn State report, a public understanding of unbelievable betrayal). In it, I admitted that I was wrong about Joe Paterno. “Even I wanted to believe,” I wrote. “Six months ago, I wrote an article postulating that maybe Joe Paterno really didn’t know what Sandusky was doing, that he couldn’t conceive of such evil in his midst. Obviously, I was wrong.”
Well, now it seems that I may have been wrong when I said I was wrong.
The family of Joe Paterno released a report last week that blasted the Freeh report as “a rush to injustice.” This report, released on Paterno.com, had its own cast of heavyweights as contributing authors. In an overview, the law firm of King and Spalding wrote:
We conclude that the observations as to Joe Paterno in the Freeh report are unfounded, and have done a disservice not only to Joe Paterno and to the Penn State University community, but also to the victims of Jerry Sandusky and the critical mission of educating the public on the dangers of child sexual victimization.
Critique of Freeh report
I read the expert report contributed by Jim Clemente, a former FBI profiler and expert in sex crimes investigations, sex offender behavior, child sexual victimization and child pornography. He makes a very convincing argument that the Freeh report got it wrong.
Watch the Clemente video and download the report here
The full report is almost 100 pages long. I recommend that everyone read Section III, “Behavioral dynamics of acquaintance child sex offenders, which is seven pages long (pages 10 to 17 in the pdf). In it, Clemente explains:
- “Nice-guy” child sex offenders are much more prevalent, effective, and prolific than the stereotypical “stranger danger” type offender.
- Offenders who “groom” typically seek out needy, isolated, or disadvantaged children and provide both emotional and tangible things to fill the needs of those children.
- Children who are groomed into sexual victimization typically do not call out to be rescued or disclose when questioned about possible victimization because of a complex set of social and psychological factors.
- People tend to demonize the offenders to an extreme, calling them “evil,” “monsters,” and “predators,” such that they don’t want to believe that anyone they know could possibly be that evil.
- The combination of nice-guy acquaintance offending, coupled with the “conspiracy of silence” by victims and “compliant victimization,” is why Paterno did not know that Sandusky was really a child molester
In a careful point-by-point analysis, Clemente explains why he believes Paterno did not know what Sandusky was really doing, and why he was not involved in a conspiracy. Clemente talks at length about the 2001 incident in which former quarterback Mike McQueary saw Sandusky in the shower with a boy and reported it to Paterno. Clemente basically says that McQueary—himself traumatized by what he saw—did not clearly articulate that he believed Sandusky was engaged in a sexual assault, and relied only on innuendo. And because Paterno had known Sandusky for 30 years, and was such a well-known prude (Paterno’s family reported that he thought the old TV show The Love Boat was too racy), the old guy didn’t get the hint.
In the end, the report points out the shortcomings of the Freeh investigation in order to clear Joe Paterno’s name. It says Paterno was not part of a cover-up, although it does not make that statement regarding Spanier, Schultz and Curley.
Flip flops
I’m not the only one doing flip flops about this case. Phil Knight, co-founder of Nike, initially supported Joe Paterno. But after the Freeh report was released, he took Paterno’s name off of a child development center at Nike headquarters. Last week, Knight blasted the Freeh report. According to SportsIllustrated.cnn.com:
“When this tragic story first unfolded Joe cautioned all of us to slow down and carefully gather the facts before jumping to conclusions,” Knight said in the statement. “We owed it to the victims, he said, to get to the truth. It was counsel we all should have followed.”
In the final analysis, Jerry Sandusky was proven a predator in this case—but beyond that, I’m not sure of anything. And I think that’s the takeaway lesson for all of us.
“Nice guy” sex offenders and other sociopaths are all master manipulators. They manipulate not only their victims, but the people around the victims, law enforcement and other authorities, institutions and the media. When sociopaths are involved, figuring out the truth is always going to be difficult.
Finding the truth
The truth is hard to find when we are directly involved in a case. When we are only reading about situations, either in the mainstream media or here on the Lovefraud Blog, there are endless opportunities for misinformation and misinterpretation. When reading an article, for example, the information we get is limited by what the reporter decided to include. Our opinions can also be influenced by how a reporter slants a story.
We always need to be cognizant of the fact that reading words on a page or screen is an extremely limited form of communication. Experts know that 65% to 90% of the meaning of human communication is nonverbal—body language, tone of voice, facial expressions. When you’re reading information, therefore, 65% to 90% of the meaning of the communication is missing. So what do we do? We fill in the blanks with what we want the communication to mean.
After having been burned by a sociopath, and determined not to be fooled or conned again, we are likely to see more evil intentions than we did in the past. In fact, we may see evil intentions where none exist. Yes, approximately 12% of the population have serious personality disorders that make them exploiters. But that still means 88% of the population is not disordered.
Now we know that sociopaths exist. So now, I think it’s important to stay alert, but be cautious in passing judgment. There may be many facts that are unreported. There may be reasons for any situation. Unless we are directly involved, and sometimes even when we are directly involved, we may not have all the information we need to evaluate the truth of any given story. It’s a good idea to pause before reacting.
LPMarie ~
Don’t you dare call yourself a flake in front of me, got that?
We are here to support any decision you make, and I don’t care how many times you change your mind. Your decisions ALWAYS take the little bubble blowing peanut into consideration 1st and foremost.
Take your time, get the help and keep putting one foot in front of another.
I agree with Oxy – you can do this and you will do this.
(((((hugs)))))
Blossom, Oxy, and MiLo, thank u for the words of encouragement. I soak up all the positive energy I can get! I am trying so hard to consider all of the effects my choices will have on the peanut. I read Just Like His Father? And I try to adhere to Dr. Leedoms recommendations as much as I possibly can. Peanut is 2 years and almost 3 months and we are still nursing (one recommendation). I teach her about feelings and she understands and she displays empathy. I dont think its great for her to see me crying so frequently, but I tell her mommy just feels a little sad, but its not her fault and mommy is going to be ok. One day she was playing while I was straightening up and she was chattering on to herself and she said “something wrong with mommy.” I told her mommy is sometimes scared or sad, but she is still okay and will always take care of her. She said “Stop crying, mommy! Please!” and I asked her what she wanted mommy to do. She smiled and said “play!” shes really the sweetest little girl. Very strong willed and independent, but also attached well to mama. I feel like things must be going half way well enough for her to be developing the way she is. Of course, she is just blessed with intelligence and charm. Shes also stunningly beautiful! I have a lot to be grateful for. I just get caught up in the aftermathof emotional devastation. And I have been NC with spathy for over a year and a half except for one child support hearing, which I dont count as breaking NC. I think I was so busy surviving and doing the work/military/school/single mom thing that I didnt have time to process alot of the experiences, on top of all the new stress. But I so appreciate the understanding andsupport I get from the wonderful folks on this site. It truly helps. (((Hugs)))
It’s another report based on probabilities, possibilities, and OPINION. Done by a man with credentials who was hired by the family with an agenda. The “I didn’t know” excuse is such a cliche.
I don’t know what words were spoken to Mr Paterno. I do read this report that he was a prude and I am going to believe that characterization b/c it is corroborated by more than one witness. That tells me one thing for sure, “There are none so blind as those who WILL not see.”
Refusing to hear what is being said is NO excuse, it’s called AVOIDANCE. In fact, it is exactly that, MAKING AN EXCUSE.
“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.”
LPMarie13
I want to say something b/c I know how much you love your baby and it would break your heart for her to miss even one ounce of your love. But what I have to say may be hurtful. I am sorry. I say this b/c what I have to say, I’d want to know if my baby was little.
Your daughter may be learning empathy. But what she is expressing is anxiety. And she is taking on responsibility for your feelings. Please don’t cry in front of her. I know it’s hard. Try to look at it as a sacrifice for her well being. Don’t be in a state where she has to make you, the adult, feel better. Take time for yourself when she is asleep. It’s a very sad reality that young moms don’t get the option to grieve. I am very sorry b/c I know this hurts you, but it would hurt you more to have her grow up and be conditioned to feel responsible for how someone feels. As adults, we are accountable for the consequences of our behaviors but we are not responsible for other’s feelings. There’s a difference. Does that make sense? Again, so sorry b/c what I wrote will likely make you sad, but as a mom, I’d want to know and I know a woman who loves her baby like you do would want to know too.
All my best, Katydid
ps Remember, you are the lioness, protecting her baby, and frankly doing a hell of a job under the circumstances. I so admire what you are doing. Smush the itty bitty cuties with Lots of hugs and kisses, but no more crying where she knows about it, okay?
I would like to respectfully disagree with KatyDid about letting your child see you cry as a bad thing.
My personal opinion is that pretending to be happy when we want to cry is counter productive and kids are very intuitive anyway and will pick up on something being wrong.
I think though that you need to get some regular counseling and maybe be evaluated for some medication, Marie, because DAILY crying shows that you are depressed/PTSD etc.
Also, keep in mind that the Peanut has experienced some stress too in many moves and many new people in and out of her life.
I really love the fact that you are still nursing her and I think that is wonderful.
I think when you do cry and reassure her that it is okay to cry and that you will be Okay you are teaching her empathy. I don’t think she is assuming responsibility for your crying, I think she is just displaying empathy. But you can tell her that you are sad but not at her, that she is not what made you sad, but that she is what makes you GLAD.
Then blow bubbles with the baby and be grateful you are away from the Ps in your life! (((hugs)))
I agree. Crying in front of a child is not necessarily a bad thing. But that’s not what I wrote about.
I wrote what I did about toddlers and small children acting out anxiety b/c they get their sense of security from their primary parent. There has been much upheaval for this family, for the mother and the child. That baby looks to mommy for her security. When she sees the heartbreak, children feel their security is threatened and they seek to sooth the parent and get their security back.
I am not advocating LPMarie13 to go around pretending to be happy, and in fact, NEVER said that nor did I imply that, I only advised she express her own intense emotions where her baby doesn’t directly experience it. A baby has no defense, no life experience and it will affect her strongly.
LpMarie13 is dealing with a difficult situation but similar to one which I recently helped a newly returned military mom resolve. We followed the advice of a professional child therapist. And with that insight, I passed on what I learned about children, Especially how what looks like a child acting on empathy is actually an expression of anxiety and insecurity. Of course, a therapist is the best source for how to manage the emotional traumas, and hopefully one that is also well trained in child development.
All my Best,
Katy
Thanks for clarifying that KD.
LPMarie,
Keep your head up and give yourself credit for all that you have accomplished in the past few years!
You’ve made decisions and executed them……you will continue to move forward and you will see the rays of sunshine come into your life through the clouds….soon!
Please….reflect on all that you have done, in a positive light, and realize just how strong you are.
Also, if you can ‘listen’ to what your very wise, beautiful little girl is telling you, she will lead you……and PLAY!
Allow yourself to ‘check out’ and just PLAY!
When you sit with her, it can be easy to let your mind wander……stay in the moment, with her and enjoy PLAY!
Now is not the time for work. She gave you your answer……go with it.
I see brighter days ahead for you LP!!! You will find them.
XXOO
EB
LPMarie13,
I think you’re doing an AMAZING job of taking care of yourself and your precious daughter. I have three kids and life is NOT perfect. They have seen me cry plenty of times, have meltdowns, etc (like you, everything is on my shoulders). The stresses that we face can do this to us. I have total respect for you. You are a wonderful PERSON and a great MOTHER. EB (and the other posters) are right – be sure to give yourself credit, lots of it! Peace to you. Your daughter has a beautiful mother (YOU) who KNOWS how to and is providing her child with GOOD, GENTLE, LOVING care. Give yourself a pat on the back. If you need someone to “talk” to, I recommend coming here. You’re in my thoughts and prayers today.
LPMarie, I agree with Bluejay that you’re wrestling this bull down in good order. DEFINITELY acknowledge all that you have accomplished, recognized, and addressed all on your own. It’s no easy task to recover from spath experiences, and you’re doing the best that anyone could. Your daughter will recognize these strengths and attributes that you have tapped into.
Brightest blessings