By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I recently bought a book, Violence Risk and Threat Assessment: A Practical Guide for Mental Health and Criminal Justice Professionals, by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. I actually bought it to give some “credence” to the statistics I put into my letter to the parole board protesting the release on parole of the Trojan Horse-Psychopath that attacked our family,
Of course this book is directed, as the title says, to professionals, and to assess risk of violence. But since we are dealing with psychopaths, it is, I think, a good idea for us to be able also to look at the assessment for possible violence in our own psychopaths when we thwart their desires, or kick them to the curb. We need to answer the questions, “Is my psychopath likely to respond with violence? If so, how?”
Most violent individuals are not violent all the time. In the introduction, the author illustrates that “just because an abnormality (in behavior) ”¦ only shows on occasion, does not mean it has gone away.” (My emphasis.)
A “false negative” is when you decide that your individual will not be violent, and you are wrong. You may pay for this decision with your life. A “false positive” is when you think your individual will be prone to violence, and they are not. Being prepared for violence, even if your individual psychopath does not turn out to be physically violent is, of course, the safest way to play it. If you are going to err, erring on the side of caution is the best course. False positives are less damaging to us than false negatives.
There are also different kinds of “violence.” Not all violence that does damage to us is physical. Psychopaths can become financially violent and deprive us of our income, our estate, and a hundred other violations that we can all imagine.
Contributors to violence
Dr. Meloy uses what he calls a bio-psycho-social model for Violence Risk Assessment to assess an individual’s risk for violence. This consists of the biological aspects, the psychological aspects and the social aspects of the individual in question.
The first, the psychological domain, contains such things as gender, age, past history of violence, frequency of violence, how recent have they been violent, and severity of past violence, paranoia, intelligence, anger, fear problems, and the frequency and intensity of them, as well as control of impulses. Of course, the psychopathy and other attachment problems will weigh in heavily on this.
The second, the social or environmental domain, looks at the family of origin violence, economic instability and poverty, WEAPONS HISTORY, weapon skill, interest and approach behavior, as well as alcohol and or psycho-stimulant use.
The third domain is the biological one. Is there a history of head trauma, or major mental disorder (like untreated bi-polar disorder).
Dr. Meloy also emphasizes that the MOST IMPORTANT factor in his judgment is the history of past violence. The best predictor of future violence is a history of past violence.
Questions to ask yourself in doing your own “risk assessment for violence” in your psychopath are: How “provoked” is your psychopath by losing you? Do they have the paranoid personality disorder, in which they feel “that everyone is out to get them,” with a long memory for imagined slights or wounds from those people “out to get them”? Are they chronically angry, fearful and jealous? Some forms of illegal drugs will also contribute to paranoia, and as the use of drugs and the interest and reliance on weapons goes up, so does the risk of violence. Dr. Maloy mentions the killing of Nichole Brown Simpson, where she was not only killed, but after death her body almost beheaded. He says that drugs, along with the rage, could have easily lowered the threshold for the abandonment rage which probably motivated the killer.
Fear and stalking
Dr. Meloy also goes into the lack of difference between biochemical reactions to both fear and anger. Both cause the same reaction within the body. How intense is the anger response in the person you are evaluating? How does the person handle anger?
Dr. Meloy differentiates between two different kinds of violence by illustrating his text with a story about a cat.
We have all seen a cat, cornered by a dog, with its hackles raised, its tail up, hissing and spitting. That cat is emotionally reacting in a violent way to the fear inside it that it is going to be attacked by the dog. (This is called “affective” or emotional violence in reaction to a perceived threat.) Once the perceived threat is gone, the cat will quickly return to a state of calm. The purpose of this kind of violence is “threat reduction.”
The second type of violence illustrated with another story of a cat is the predatory violence, which is planned and purposeful and goal directed.
The planned and purposeful (or predatory) violence has a minimal or absent autonomic arousal, (which is the hair standing on end, the hissing and spitting etc.). As you observe the cat in predatory violence—such as stalking a mouse or bird—the cat is calm, cool and collected. It is focused on a goal as it stalks the prey. It tries to keep its purpose (violence) hidden and it tries to keep the prey from realizing that it is prey.
The brain chemicals released in each of these states of violence are completely different. The emotionally generated fear induced violence is a defense mechanism. It can still be a threat to anyone who is the perceived enemy, but it quickly subsides once the threat is gone.
With predatory violence, the predator is goal directed to do violence to the prey. They may plot and plan and take quite some time to stalk and corner the prey. The predator may strike without warning. Unlike emotionally (fear) induced violence, predatory violence is not time limited and the stalking may go on for days, weeks, months or years.
Knowing which type of violence your psychopathic adversary is involved with at any given moment can help you assess what your course of action should be. If the Psychopath is showing the “cornered cat” response, for example for being confronted in a lie, your best response is to just “back off” and let them calm down when the perceived threat is removed. If the psychopath is stalking you; emotionally, financially, or physically, they will not be so obvious to spot as the enraged cat. Once you have determined that the person you are dealing with is a psychopath, or likely one, you must assume that the person will engage in predatory violence on some level. The fact that this stalking and predatory violence may be very subtle does not make it any less dangerous.
In the short term, cornering one in a threatening manner (confrontation of any kind) can produce an emotionally violent response or even physical attack, but in the long term, the predatory violence can do more damage to us, body and soul. We need, I think, to assess the state our psychopath is operating in, and learn when to back off with confrontations, and when to prepare ourselves for “out of the blue” attacks when they are in a predatory state.
Oxy, There’s a show that gets aired once in a while about prisoners having to face the family members of loved one they have murdered. How the staff in said prisons work with them to admit their crime then write detailed apology letters … the prison staff work with them to fine tune the outlines … so that they can eventually have the conversation of apology with the family.
What I found amazing with all these prisoners was how they were in such denial and how the prison staff worked with them over long periods of time to get them to first, acknowledge their crimes, then accept the responsibility for their offenses. Even after getting them to the place of acceptance in their minds, they still softened up the offenses of murder … calling the victims … intimate objects … aka the incident, the situation .. the this, the that … instead of calling it what it was … murder, taking another human beings life.
I’m shaking my head because I know my best friend (she also worked with us) ran into my former boss shopping at the Mall in the town she lives. How my boss told my best friend a story, totally denying her responsibility for what happened to destroy my career and how other managers sold her out which got her thrown out of the place we worked in. As far as I am any concern to her, I still don’t exist in this woman’s mind. I was never brought up in the conversation … and I had nothing to do with what transpired. Go figure. She always made me a non object … and a non object I still am in her own mind.
Talk about denial.
What is sad is this woman will continue destroying others she deems a threat. I never threatened this woman, but in her mind I had to be gotten rid of. I was her excuse not to have to be responsible in her position. What makes anyone think her negative mindset has or will ever change!. Oh, a little fairy came and waved a magic wand over her head … puff … you are now a positive secure individual!
Time for the courts to start assigning these folks therapy with competent therapist discussing issues on positive versus negative mindsets.
Peace.
oXDrover,
This may be a stupid question, but the x S/P abused steroids. What affect can this have on his disposition, demeanor, behavior? I am not looking to make excuses for him because I DO believe his pathalogical lies and majority of his behavior do not stem from steroid abuse. I’m just wondering if it enhances an already angry, aggressive individual? If he stopped using steroids what would happen?
I have read some conflicting information. One article had stated that steroid abuse or use does not necessarily have the same symptoms on all users. He DID have small testicles and heart, liver, kidney problems and shaved his head (I think from hair loss) but no acne. Sometimes he would admit that he just (out of the blue) felt like punching someone in the face. He never harmed me physically but was very agressive emotionally in a very childish way.
Dear Keeping Faith,
I think that my P-son used steroids as a teenager while he was weight lifting (he denies it) because he BULKED UP VERY FAST. He was prone to rages anyway, but I think they made it worse.
Not all people have the same response to any drug, some more than others, and some not at all, so it is not a surprise to me that your X may not have had ALL the symptoms (I am a retired registered nurse practitioner).
Also, there are various types of “steroids” that some of the body builders and others take, so various responses too. Plus, some will take them a while, then lay off a while, then cycle again in hopes of negating some of the bad side effects. (that doesn’t completely work though!)
Wini, there are about 80% of prisoners who do not score 30 on the PCL-R and who may have some potential for being helped by therapy, but the psychopaths are only made worse by therapy. My own P-son wrote a “remorse letter” to the parole board in January of 2007 when he came up for Parole that his attorney for the parole hearing said “was the BEST remorse letter I ever read.” It really did sound literate and SINCERE, but we KNOW he is NOT sincere and that he actually GLORIES in how “much worse” his crime was than the cops even knew. (from a letter he wrote to the TH-P and also from what he said in exactly those same words to me and my son D on a visit to him.)
The psychopaths, or at least many of them, learn from these classes how to APPEAR to be remorseful and sincere, etc. and use that for an advanced class in “Psychopath manipulation–post graduate level.” My son has “Post doctoral studies” down pat! LOL
I know a man who is a minister to prisons (volunteer) and his recidivism rate is only 10% for those that graduate from his program, and I support that program completely, but my son has attended this program for 15+ years and gets great marks from some of the former ministers that he cons into believing that they have “reached him.” One man, who actually came to my husband’s memorial service to tape record it so that my son could see the tape of the memorial services and I have become quite good friends, and I have shown him my son’s letters, bragging about the crime being “so horrible” and so on, and I have educated this wonderful minister that not everyone in his program is sincere, but that some use it for the “benefits” it conveys in prison.
I get an email “newsletter” from the current volunteer minister and in the recent shake down of the Texas prisons after a smuggled cell phone was discovered in DEATH ROW produced 40 more cell phones and thousands of weapons in the Texas prisons, and he reported that Section E of the prison he worked in (where his inmates live) had NO weapons and only benign “contraband”—which can be as little as an extra pair of socks over the allowed number that they can have, or extra books in a cell, etc.
I do not believe for one minute that ALL the cell phones were discovered, as I have a letter written to my mother by my P-son where he is talking about his phone calls to her “once in a wihle” which tells me that he has ACCESS to a cell phone that they didn’t find. I sent a copy of that letter to the warden at his institution, and since he was discovered and caught with a cell phone himself (secreted inside an electric shaver) he will be well searched for one, and his buddies will be. I am sure he will NOT “snitch” but hopefully, he will be transferred to another prison to at least get him away from the phone he knows where it is. I don’t think he HAS it, but I think he probably traded his substantial electronic skills and soldering ability in hiding it in some electric appliance that one of his buddies has in exchange for the occasional phone call. Or he is paying the other inmate with commissary goodies for the use of the phone.
I was actually conned into sending money to another inmate to pay a “debt” he had, that helped him get the original cell phone inside—after it was discovered, he tried again to get me to fall for that one so he could get in another cell phone. The guards have to be bribed to bring in a phone, then since they are “use and toss” models, money has to be added by buying cards and the inmate calls someone on the outside who buys the cards, then gives the PIN number to the inmate who uses his own phone to call it in and add minutes to the phone. The way these things work, if they use an AT&T phone, they have a daily charge of $1, but can call any other AT&T phone “for free minutes” so it costs about $30 a month minimum if it is used every day, so it requires someone to support it from the outside. Once an inmate has money on his commissary account, he can have a check cut and sent to anyone he desires (except another inmate.)
Apparently, Guards are easily bribed, and people in the craft shops that can order supplies from “legitimate” businesses can also work around that too by having someone on the outside who has a “business address” that will send in contraband secreted inside what appear to be supplies for the craft shop. My son had two pick up truck loads of sewiing machines and other items for his boot making business. When he got caught with the phone, thrown into solitary and his craft shop priviledges lost, he had me drive to south texas to get his equipment and when I was putting it away, I had to take some of it apart to store more compactly, and I found two more cell phones in a boot stand. They did not have sim chips in them, though I am sure HE had the sim chips hidden somewhere. When they caught him with a phone (which he had apparently had for years before it was found) they did not find the sim chip, so could not prosecute him legally for having only “part” of a cell phone. It is a FELONY to help supply a cell phone to an inmate, because of the high risk to the institution and the escape risks.
I have no doubt that my son will violate every rule in the institution that he even partly thinks he can get away with, or even get away with for a short period of time. He has been busted and put in solitary at least once a year (on average) since he has been in prison for contraband and for weapons. He always gave us a “reason” he was busted, but I didn’t find out the REAL reasons until I read them in the letters he wrote to the Trojan HOrse Psychopath after the TH-P’s arrest.
Once when he was teaching a computer class to other inmates, he was caught with internet porn and DVDs of hard core porn, like 3,000 different items. He was then shipped to another institution, and prohibited from being near a computer again. He told us it was something trivial and no big deal. Ha ha Of course he has never told the truth, even when the truth would have “fit better.”
I wish I thought for one moment that there was any hope for the psychopaths to CARE about right from wrong, but unfortunately, the true Ps do not CARE and cannot be made to care, they enjoy things the way they are.
xODrover,
As you write about appearing remorseful, I recall with the xS/P that his outrageous lies were very tearful displays. It helped in getting people to believe him, I’m sure. He told a story once about killing a “terrorist” on behalf of the US gov’t, (which did not happen) and cried as he talked about how remorseful he was because he later found out that the intel on this guy was not good.
I think that they are so good at imitating normal behavior that people believe them. All and any one of us. Yet how do you EVER know what is real and what isn’t? Is everything they do and say a lie? What is meaningful and what isn’t? Do they even live in the same world we do as they seem to experience things so differently? it’s so hard to comprehend. Some of the stereotypical characteristics of an S/P fit and some don’t seem to just because I have a hard time distinguishing whether his emotions were true or not all of the time. yet when I think now about how dangerous he has potential to be, I can’t even comprehend that I loved him and saw him so differently.
Do we experience them differently as we see the world from a more naive position or a more vulnerable state? The emotional pain was so bad yet I can’t help but remember all the great things he seemed to be when we met initially. maybe I should just be grateful that it only took me 2 years to get out.????
Dear Keeping_faith,
I lost my previous post to you, so will try again. LOL
To me, they are as different from us as a chimpanzee is. They share some of the same genes as do the great apes, but they do not have the “language” we do, or the comprehension of empathy, so there is no TRUE communication with them and us. Just as they cannot know what it feels like to be bonded to other humans, or to love, we cannot know what it feels like to NOT be bonded to others, or not to be able to comprehend what LOVE IS.
Just as a dog or other animal can learn that some words have “meaning” and that they are “rewarded” for doing some action when they hear that word, yet, that same animal cannot truly communicate with us in a language that we can both understand about abstract thoughts.
My dog knows that if he goes to the door I will get up and let him out when he wants to go. He will sit up and beg sometimes if I am eating thiking that if he does this action it will increase his chances of getting some of what I am eating. (It ususally does! LOL) Yet, recently when he got a Doggie STD from a neighborhood bitch he chased after in heat, he started to be in pain. He has always been a “talker” and he tried for days to tell me he was in pain, but I did not “understand” until I saw him moaning as he slept and saw him losing weight. He had no fever, and no obvious injury so I assumed that he was just being more “needy” for attention than usual. He IS a “needy” dog BTW. Eventually when I figured out he was in pain, I took him to the vet. When I brought him home, I was more attuned to his whining and a few days later I realized he was NOT getting better and took him back for a few days of inpatient treatment. I picked him up today and will fatten him back up and then he goes back for neutering so his prostate will shrink back and not cause him more pain in the future. So we did communicate, but not really well. He didn’t really know how to say “Pain, Mommie, I am hurting” in clear enough language to get me to know what he was talking about.
Infants are the same way, they don’t have the language to truly communicate with us on our level. Neither do the Ps.
The Ps however, learn to “fake” communication on emotional level by “acting” the part, the physical performance part of emotions, but not the feeling part. Some of them are outstanding actors. My P son is an outstanding actor, he knows the words, the phrases, the facial expressions and 99% of the time he is GREAT! When he becomes frustrated though with getting his way, he will DROP THE MASK and I will see the REAL HIM, Satan personafied looking out through his eyes with what I can only describe as “looking directly into the unshielded eyes of Satan.” My mother has that look as well when she is angry, and my P-bio-father does, and so does the Trojan HOrse Psychopath that invaded our family. My X-DIL has it as well. I have never ever had anyone else look at me “in that tone of voice.” Though my mother has very little that would Ding a point on the PCL-R, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have some of those characteristics. She is also a great actress, and willing to hurt me in order to control me. So she has some definite Narcissistic/psychopathic behaviors. I do wonder though how much of it was trained into her from her enabling mother though. The difference is that my mother will freely devalue and PUNISH you for not going along with her program, and my enabling grandmother did NOT punish people, but was more passive. My mother’s brother was a flaming psychopath and also probably, in retrospect self medicating for bi-polar with alcohol. Iknow one thing when he was manic he was drunk and meaner’n’a-snake.
Yes, I think we experience them from the same reference that they experience us, without TRUE understanding of them. We can only judge their “feeligns” by their behavior, and they can only judge our feelings by how we behave when we are “sad” or “mad” or “glad” or “in love.” They learn to fake those responses pretty well in some cases.
Yes, you should be grateful thatyou got out after “only” two years, BUT even that two years I am sure has left you in confusion and pain. The things WE can do though that they CANNOT do is to LEARN FROM OUR EXPERIENCE and to learn the RED FLAGS of warning that they put off. Our instincts are better than we give them credit for being, and we MUST LISTEN to our inner workings and heed those warnings and run away from potential danger before we get trapped and harmed again. That is the TAKE HOME LESSONS OF THE PS.
OXDrover,
Thanks and I’m sorry you had to rewrite this. I lost a few posts yesterday as well.
Your analogies are good and help me to comprehend this from your perspective. I am so sorry for what you must have gone through, particularly with your son.
The XS/P is a pathalogical liar and as I look back I DID SEE RED FLAGS. I was going through such a tough time and believed this man was going to take care of me emotionally. He initially was very generous and protective. I though the was a little jealous but that wasn’t it. I just can’t imagine living life covering my ass to cover lies. The phony, fake image he created of himself, the stories, tears, pathalogy of it all…….
It is a year since I told him to F OFF and it’s just been recently that I am staring to feel like “what the hell was i thinking and why did I take this shit for so long?” Seriously. I used to think of the trips we took and the dinners we had and the things he said…… and now I quickly can think of abuses and lies and threatening situations to cancel out all that I thought was good. It’s amazing how clouded everything became to me.
I did have contact with a woman with whom he had an affair four years ago. I had to find out if he told the same lies to her, or was it just me. She verified all the stories. But she still to this day did not know the truth until I told her. She IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM and talked about how wonderful he was to her in the beginning and that even when he discarded her that he always came back…..but not the last time. She said she wanted to die. I don’t want to be like that three years from now. I was the one who exposed him and his horrible lies. he made up stories to seem empathetic. he made up stories to generate pity. It worked. It works with his adult daughters to this day. The drama in that family is disgusting. The way they play each other is sick. This woman believed everything he said and NEVER questioned him. I did and I’m happy about that. it’s the one thing that keeps me feeling sane, when all along I thought I must be doing something wrong. I didn’t expose him for revenge, but to keep him away from me and to realize that it WAS him all along. I didn’t cause what happened but I can choose to not be a victim. I just feared that if he finds out that his face is on the internet on a legitimate site as a phony and his embarrassing stories are exposed, that he may seek revenge…… although experts have told me he wouldn’t dare because he would have to deal with the FBI.
I lost myself in him and his abuse. I gave up my good intuition and questioned my own behavior and beliefs. I allowed him to control me. I will never do that again.
Dear Keeping_faith,
Whether or not he seeks open or sneaky revenge depends on a lot of things, one of the thing syou taked about though is the FBI, unless he is peddling drugs, a terrorist, or a white collar crook, don’t be so sure they will jump in, and secondly–the psychopaths don’t always consider the consequences, that lack of fear (they won’t get caught, you know, they’re too smart) doesn’t stop them like it might you or me. I don’t rob banks, though I might like the money, because I am AFRAID I would get caught (if for no other reason) and no matter how bad off I was I would NOT try to rob a bank. If I was hungry I might try to steal $5 from a Church pllate passing around, but I would NEVER rob a bank. (if that analogy makes sense) because if I got caught trying to take $5 from the plate, they would “have to” forgive me and feed me, but the Feebies would put me in prison whether I got any money or not no matter how much I told them I “repented.”
For some reason the Ps are willing to take AWFUL long odds of chances to get what they want without stopping to consider what I call the “risk benefit ratio”—-(as WE see it a risk vs a benefit at least).
Exposing one as a fake has various levels of success too, the next victim will seldom (if ever) believe you as they are already in the FOG of the faker.
I feel for that past vistim of his, and yes, they like to return to old victories and gloat that they can go back any time they want to. If you have a chance of helping someone it might be her. It would I think be a kindness to her and maybe she will come to lovefraud and learn as well. Maybe she can free herself and heal.
I too am glad thatyou questioned him. Many victims are like the first victim of your P and go a lifetime of pain, believing their lies, others question and get beaten down for long periods of time, or life, and some percentage are like us, we question, try to resolve it, excuse it, then eventually break free. I know a couple of older women who were married ot theirs for 40-50 years and finally broke free–I guess that would be the GOLDEN DIVORCE instead of the Golden Anniversary. Sometimes they must give up even their children to his deceit. I know one sweet woman in AZ who is in her 70s and in very poor health, living alone, far from her family of children and grandchildren and great grandchildren, and even her sisters are in the FOG about this man. She lost everything just about except her mind in what should have been the “golden years” with her family, but I applaud her for finding herself if nothing else, finally at the end of her life, but still it does cause her great pain and lonliness.
I am fortunate that I have two sons who both believe me NOW, though my oldest son was in a crack between the devil and the deep blue sea, married to one P who hated me, and my mother who was enabling the other P, my youngest bio son, P. When his wife and the Trojan Horse P (who were having an affair) tried to kill him, he realized that I had been “right all along” about this woman he met on the internet and had been married to for 7 years—she was a gold digger. She had done all the “classic” things from isolating him from family (especially me) though she “loooooved grandma” cause grandma at least eventually believed her lies and act, I never did.
My P son in prison knew about and approved of the affair, and I read a letter he wrote to her that gave the “when you light one candle from another, it in no way diminishes the light of the first one” as an analogy that her affair with the Trojan Horse Psycopath was not TAKING AWAY FROM HER MARRIAGE, and then went on to say that she “should work on your relationship with C (her husband)” that it would make for a happier family. DUH????
What Hare said about them not getting the contradictions is soooo true. They do NOT get it at all. How could he in the same letter, encourage her “friendship” and sexual relationship with the TH-P and in the same letter tell her to “work on her relationship” with her husband? Could my P-son not see the contradiction? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Did he not see that HE was being disloyal to his blood brother by encouraging his brother’s wife to continue an affair with a (pretend) “family friend?”
The part of our brain that tries to keep even lies consistent somehow doesn’t work in the psychopaths. What part(s) of the brain that is should be an interesting study for someone. It is possible that it is a software problem since they are not able to FEEL the emotions that they pretend to feel, but just the LOGICAL part of it I would think would be OBVIOUS to anyone not a P, but somehow, they don’t get it.
I am glad that you chose to not be a victim. Each of us here have chosen that same thing. We choose to be EX-victims, and to not be victims again. We choose to not let this experience define our lives forever, we choose to learn and grow and become stronger, wiser people. Welcome to LF, and I pray that your journey of self discovery and healing will be a smoother one because of it.
oxDrover,
Thank you so much for your response. What you said in the end of your post makes sense. Although it didn’t when the aftermath of all of this began. I TRULY did not understand what I was dealing with as i believe his x wife and x affair and daughters and probably many others may never EVER have looked deeply enough to know. And maybe they don’t want to.
What seems so odd to me too is that HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THE THINGS HE HAS SAID. When I confronted him with the lies about being in special ops and having had killed terrorists etc…. he just made up more excuses and more lies and when I think of the tears he cried as he told the bizarre stories or torture, I wonder if he truly is delusional??? He actually told me to ask his 22 yr old daughter about him being in special ops (after i already had the truth in my hands) I asked him why he wouldn’t tell me to ask his sister or someone who was actually alive when he was supposedly in the military…… he would then become abusive and rage at me. On his mother’s death bed, she was whispering to him to “tell the truth and confess”. i was in the room and his daughters and he said she was senile and didn’t know what she was saying. Later I found that his x affair actually attended his fathers funeral (accross the country from where he lived) because his x wife didn’t want to travel. So obviously his mother knew. i suspect she knew a whole lot more. At one point she had told him that his daughter needed psychological help and he didn’t speak to his mother for several years. his sister told me this and I believe his mother was correct.
BUT for a period of time I believed him and even doubted myself when I knew the truth. it’s wierd. I WANTED what I thought he had to give me not knowing there was nothing real there. In some ways the whole relationship was in my own mind. Now if I said things like this to people who have not experienced a sociopath/psychopath, they would think I am crazy. But I know you must understand what I am saying. The truth was so twisted in my own mind !
The FBI doesn’t really care about him unless they had hard proof that he really killed someone. I don’t have that. i don’t think he is (or has been) a violent S/P in the sense of breaking the law but violent in his own right to manipulate and harm in seriously emotional ways. It is evident in his daughter’s behavior and the people he is now “hanging out” with. The man is 51 yrs old now and behaves like a delinquent teenager, just doing enough to not get arrested. WHat the hell did I see in him in the first place? I think he wanted me to believe he was someone else and i did. but he couldn’t keep it up or I prefer to think he couldn’t pull one over on me for much longer.
At one point, while he was stalking me, I had a sheriff call him to tell him to stop. He followed me to work (50 mls away) one day. He also caused a scene in public at the gym and he embarrassed himself. Three young guys had to tell him to stop harrassing me. I think he was concerned about the fact that I had over 30 incidents documented of him following me and chasing me in his car and calling my cell at all hours, that he actually went to an attorney and had them write ME a letter telling me to stay away from him and HIS home (the one I built with him that he lives in now with a former criminal). It was disturbing yet laughable at the same time. HE WAS FOLLOWING ME. I spoke to a woman in victims resources for the county and she told me not to respond to the attorney. So I didn’t. I think he may actually believe in his mind that he is right but i think it’s about winning to him. Right?
The only thing that may help me in terms of the public exposure of his lies on the internet is that if he goes kicking and screaming to the org that posted the info, they will have the FBI on him to investigate him a nd he doesn’t want his family and new friends and neighbors dragged into it. Then he can not APPEAR to have won. Does that make sense?
I’m not sure what organization you had him posted on (a military faker one?) but I sincerely doubt that the FBI would get involved unless he used this “lie” for an illegal thing. If they did that (investigate all liars about military service) they would have time for NOTHING ELSE. LOL
Yes, they sometimes respond by projecting their bad behavior on to you, and I guess he thought that would look good in court if he accused you of what HE was doing. LOL
You are right, people who have no experience with a P don’t usually get it until they do. Even then sometimes not.
ANY response to a stalker is a “win” for them. Just keep yourself safe is the only way to win. I won’t live in terror, but at the same time, I’m not a fool either, as I know that my stalkers are out for my life…right now with the one stalker just out of prison on parole (and I have talked to the parole board and his parole officer) but he is limited in his resources and he KNOWS we are armed at all time, and the other one (my P-son) is in prison in another state, and though he is getting money from my enabling mother (who knows everything he has done and still goes for his pity play) at least we are currently keeping an eye on his correspondence with her and forwarding the incriminating things in it to the warden of his institution. Hopefully he will get busted down a level in custody from minimum to maximum and or shipped to another institution where he will have to reestablish contacts and connections again. If I can keep him “rolling” from one institution to another often enough, even though he has been moved enough in the past that he has friends just abot in every insittution in TExas, it will put him off guard and off his connections for at least a while each time he is moved, plus the move itself is on a chain gang on a bus and may take days or even weeks. The more he is shuffled around the better for me.
I wish I could stop my mother from sending him money as the lack of money in prison is extremely disabling to their plots and plans. She is doing it and lying to us about it. (at least to my son C who was not totally NC with her until recently).
Some of “them” like to keep up a public front of respectability, and that fake face is important to them. My X-BF who is a P is one of those. His wife of 32 years caught him (finally) in an affair and kicked him out, and he was looking for another “respectable” wife to cheat on.Thank God I found out before I married him, but I was head over heals in heaven for about 4 months, then 4 months of pain and doubt, then another few months of anger and bitterness (and relief I didn’t get snagged worse).
I heard he recently got married again, and I actually feel sorry for the woman. He still has his “harem” of long time cheating women who know he is married and now with a respectable wife, he can tell them “no, I can’t leave ‘Suzie’ but let’s just be F–buddies like we have been for 8 or 20 years”
IN order to get revenge on his last GF before me, he burned her house, so keep your guard up–we were not able to prove it, but everyone that really “knows” him has enough evidence to know it (even the XGF) some of the “respectable” ones are SNEAKY with their vengence. Others, like my son are not and go straight for the kill, but I will say this one, my P-son did come up with a SNEAKY way to get the Trojan Horse Psychopath into our family as a “friend.” Thus the name.
I am a bit leary of them being violent openly or stabbiing you in the back, and since he is a stalker, he definitely has a grudge against you, so better be safe than sorry. BTW a can of “Easy off Oven Cleaner” make a hell of a defense weapon. Get the kind that is not “odor free” and the kind with the can that sprays out the TOP of the nozzle not the size (like hair spray) if you can. They are cheap, VERY effective if sprayed on the face or even the skin anywhere, face is best. Much better than mace or anything else, and LEGAL, and CHEAP. I used to keep a can on every flat surface in my house and a couple in my car when I lived in a state I couldn’t carry a concealed pistol. Now I let Smith and Wesson be my “security service,” along with a good security system at my home and farm, and I am going today to get a new dog for the house, a LARGE new dog of a protective breed, a year old. I have trained dogs for years for obedience and even protection, so in the next 90 days I will be working with “Phideaux” (that’s Fido in Cajun”) every day. He’s a perfect age and is also a rescue dog (free) so that should meet my needs well.
Dear Oxy, You are the best!. Will read all the recent posts when I have more time but yes…..Easy Off, I love it!. I keep a conainter of a squirtable professional toilet bowl cleaner near the door ( causitic acid?) and enjoy my three very large dogs that love me very much.
When I do take legal action (shortly) I plan to stay with freinds or be otherwise scarce.
Right now he is playing a big game of having entrapped my kids in a financial mess with big promises and is now putting the onus on me to release $$ held in escrow or else my sons credit rating, vehicles, jobs etc go down the tubes. All carefully planned and orchestrated.
No shame, no conscience, no remorse. How many times do we have to see it to believe it.
Peace to all,