By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)
I recently bought a book, Violence Risk and Threat Assessment: A Practical Guide for Mental Health and Criminal Justice Professionals, by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. I actually bought it to give some “credence” to the statistics I put into my letter to the parole board protesting the release on parole of the Trojan Horse-Psychopath that attacked our family,
Of course this book is directed, as the title says, to professionals, and to assess risk of violence. But since we are dealing with psychopaths, it is, I think, a good idea for us to be able also to look at the assessment for possible violence in our own psychopaths when we thwart their desires, or kick them to the curb. We need to answer the questions, “Is my psychopath likely to respond with violence? If so, how?”
Most violent individuals are not violent all the time. In the introduction, the author illustrates that “just because an abnormality (in behavior) ”¦ only shows on occasion, does not mean it has gone away.” (My emphasis.)
A “false negative” is when you decide that your individual will not be violent, and you are wrong. You may pay for this decision with your life. A “false positive” is when you think your individual will be prone to violence, and they are not. Being prepared for violence, even if your individual psychopath does not turn out to be physically violent is, of course, the safest way to play it. If you are going to err, erring on the side of caution is the best course. False positives are less damaging to us than false negatives.
There are also different kinds of “violence.” Not all violence that does damage to us is physical. Psychopaths can become financially violent and deprive us of our income, our estate, and a hundred other violations that we can all imagine.
Contributors to violence
Dr. Meloy uses what he calls a bio-psycho-social model for Violence Risk Assessment to assess an individual’s risk for violence. This consists of the biological aspects, the psychological aspects and the social aspects of the individual in question.
The first, the psychological domain, contains such things as gender, age, past history of violence, frequency of violence, how recent have they been violent, and severity of past violence, paranoia, intelligence, anger, fear problems, and the frequency and intensity of them, as well as control of impulses. Of course, the psychopathy and other attachment problems will weigh in heavily on this.
The second, the social or environmental domain, looks at the family of origin violence, economic instability and poverty, WEAPONS HISTORY, weapon skill, interest and approach behavior, as well as alcohol and or psycho-stimulant use.
The third domain is the biological one. Is there a history of head trauma, or major mental disorder (like untreated bi-polar disorder).
Dr. Meloy also emphasizes that the MOST IMPORTANT factor in his judgment is the history of past violence. The best predictor of future violence is a history of past violence.
Questions to ask yourself in doing your own “risk assessment for violence” in your psychopath are: How “provoked” is your psychopath by losing you? Do they have the paranoid personality disorder, in which they feel “that everyone is out to get them,” with a long memory for imagined slights or wounds from those people “out to get them”? Are they chronically angry, fearful and jealous? Some forms of illegal drugs will also contribute to paranoia, and as the use of drugs and the interest and reliance on weapons goes up, so does the risk of violence. Dr. Maloy mentions the killing of Nichole Brown Simpson, where she was not only killed, but after death her body almost beheaded. He says that drugs, along with the rage, could have easily lowered the threshold for the abandonment rage which probably motivated the killer.
Fear and stalking
Dr. Meloy also goes into the lack of difference between biochemical reactions to both fear and anger. Both cause the same reaction within the body. How intense is the anger response in the person you are evaluating? How does the person handle anger?
Dr. Meloy differentiates between two different kinds of violence by illustrating his text with a story about a cat.
We have all seen a cat, cornered by a dog, with its hackles raised, its tail up, hissing and spitting. That cat is emotionally reacting in a violent way to the fear inside it that it is going to be attacked by the dog. (This is called “affective” or emotional violence in reaction to a perceived threat.) Once the perceived threat is gone, the cat will quickly return to a state of calm. The purpose of this kind of violence is “threat reduction.”
The second type of violence illustrated with another story of a cat is the predatory violence, which is planned and purposeful and goal directed.
The planned and purposeful (or predatory) violence has a minimal or absent autonomic arousal, (which is the hair standing on end, the hissing and spitting etc.). As you observe the cat in predatory violence—such as stalking a mouse or bird—the cat is calm, cool and collected. It is focused on a goal as it stalks the prey. It tries to keep its purpose (violence) hidden and it tries to keep the prey from realizing that it is prey.
The brain chemicals released in each of these states of violence are completely different. The emotionally generated fear induced violence is a defense mechanism. It can still be a threat to anyone who is the perceived enemy, but it quickly subsides once the threat is gone.
With predatory violence, the predator is goal directed to do violence to the prey. They may plot and plan and take quite some time to stalk and corner the prey. The predator may strike without warning. Unlike emotionally (fear) induced violence, predatory violence is not time limited and the stalking may go on for days, weeks, months or years.
Knowing which type of violence your psychopathic adversary is involved with at any given moment can help you assess what your course of action should be. If the Psychopath is showing the “cornered cat” response, for example for being confronted in a lie, your best response is to just “back off” and let them calm down when the perceived threat is removed. If the psychopath is stalking you; emotionally, financially, or physically, they will not be so obvious to spot as the enraged cat. Once you have determined that the person you are dealing with is a psychopath, or likely one, you must assume that the person will engage in predatory violence on some level. The fact that this stalking and predatory violence may be very subtle does not make it any less dangerous.
In the short term, cornering one in a threatening manner (confrontation of any kind) can produce an emotionally violent response or even physical attack, but in the long term, the predatory violence can do more damage to us, body and soul. We need, I think, to assess the state our psychopath is operating in, and learn when to back off with confrontations, and when to prepare ourselves for “out of the blue” attacks when they are in a predatory state.
Dear Muldoon,
This is TWISTING THE TRUTH. His point, from other’s points of view, may have a “grain of truth” in it. That is how they do things.
DO NOT ANSWER HIS E MAIL!!! DO NOT ANSWER!!!
Remember, too, RAT POISON IS 99% PURE CORN MEAL.
They take the truth, twist it, and add a partial lie, to change the meaning.
My own mother used this same thing, she said “YOU put this pervert in my home, there fore all this is YOUR fault.” At the time I was aware he moved in with my mother, I did not know what a true pervert he was, but the pure “truth” becomes RAT POISON with the 1% lie.
He is going to try to make himself appear such a great guy. You need to print out some of the things here on love fraud, or talk to a counselor or be able to show proof that in breaking free of the PERPERTRATOR that the domestic violence victim frequently and usually goes back time after time to the abuser. Then you can show that you followed that USUAL PATTERN and that you wanted to believe he would NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (like he promised).
You need to ARM YOURSELF with knowledge and documentation. When I wrote this article, I used the knowledge I got and documented it from a book written by an “expert.”
You are a CLASSIC VICTIM, he is a CLASSIC abuser. The situation is a CLASSIC SITUATION of on/off abuse and hope.
Some professionals get this,, some don’t, but you need to be able to document this and to articulate (state in short reasonable terms) these things to the court, the attorneys etc.
You need to show that you have been the classic beaten down VICTIM and he is the classic abuser, and that you NOW see this and recognize this and state that you KEPT HOPING HE WOULD QUIT, but that you NOW SEE that you have been the classic victim, lured back by promises of him never again hurting you. BUT THAT YOU NOW REALIZE that YOU also have been living in a FANTASY WORLD. That you NOW SEE how unhealthy this was for your children to witness the abuse, and for them to witness YOUR PART IT IN by ALLOWING it to go on, and by you taking him back time after time.
SHOW THEM YOU ARE NOW SANE, RATIONAL AND REASONABLE. It is okay for you to admit that you “acted dumb” in the past, because you didn’t see what this horrible situation would do to you and your children and you kept hoping it would get better, but you NOW SEE THAT IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Hang in there Muldoon, it WILL GET BETTER. And now is the time for you to USE ALL YOUR STRENGTH, and keep on learning and learning and don’t let him push your buttons. (((hugs)))) and my prayers are for you and your children. I can hear your strenth growing already—YOU CAN DO IT!!! I KNOW YOU CAN!!!
This is all because I will not allow him access without a court order, in the past its this kind of shit that set me on the back burner and had me letting him have access and eventually he ended up home, vant even remember how it happened but it was his choice, his will.
Muldoon: Courage! And this is not “because” ANYTHING. Someone like this does NOT need any reason to cause trouble. They will take any excuse you want to give them, but if they don’t have an excuse, they will still do whatever they will do.
When my grandfather noticed when someone was giving a lame excuse, he would say, “The guy has to tie up his milk.” The point being that if it’s just an excuse, any excuse will do!
Don’t get caught in this game that leaves you blaming yourself when clearly he doesn’t need any excuse for his bad behavior.
He was happy to abandon the kids and any right to access, when it suited him. This is not the first time he has gone and had no access but its the first time I have stood my ground fully. I think he knows now that things have changed and I am now longer going to be compliant, I am more like the woman I was when he met me and then I wouldn’t have had as much as I have taken.
Once my daughter rang him when she had not seen him for weeks and he hung up on her and then got a friend to ring her back and say its my phone I bought it off your dad and I haven’t seen him since. A week later he was demanding access and making out he would die without the kids in his life!!! thats what he is doing now.
I see where this is heading all to clearly, what I don’t know is how to stop it without giving in. Its not I want to win, its I don’t see what good his spasmodic access does for the kids and half the time when he was here we all walked on egg shells and spoke in whispers.
I don’t know if there are typical feelings for people going through what i am but I have a sick scared feeling in the pit of my stomach and I keep replaying it all in my mind, I am so tired from lack of sleep but even when I try I am laying there for hours with my mind going ten to the dozen.
Dear Muldoon,
All your feelings are NORMAL responses to what you are going through….I think all of us have gone through the same things. It is in response to the trauma of it all, the chaos of it all, the insanity of it all. It will pass. It will come and then go, and then come again–FOR A WHILE. If you continue to stand your ground, you will eventually come to peace. I know it all seems “insane” and IT IS. He is using your children to try to get even with you, to paint you as the bad mom, when in TRUTH, he is the BAD FATHER.
Yes, he hurts the kids, yes, they are confused, they are just as much in a turmoil as YOU ARE, and they don’t have as many skills to cope with it as you do. Just reassure them that you love them, and what I told you in the other blog. You might say something like:
“Dad is angry at me right now, and he is saying bad things. Anger is not an excuse to say or do bad things, but those are his choices. I have made bad decisions in the past and done things when I was angry, said things that were not nice in anger. I HAVE LEARNED BETTER NOW, and I am going to do better in the future. I lvoe you and I will be here fo ryou. No matter what your dad says or does, I will be here for you.”
That is all the DETAILS those kids need I think. No matter what outrageous thing he does or says, “He is angry and he is doing these things because he is angry. Anger is NOT an excuse to do or say bad things. I have LEARNED BETTER AND WILL ACT BETTER.” Just rinse and repeat and repeat. That way you are NOT criticizing him, you are simply pointing out his (a) behavior and (b) that it is not acceptable and (c) WHY he is behaving that way. and YOU must not “show out” in front of the kids. NOT show out! You can do it. That will reassure the kids that they have ONE sane rational parent that will take care of them.
If push comes to shove you can possibly say say “Dad is VERY angry now, and not behaving nice, so I think it is best you not see him UNTIL he is not so angry.” That way you are telling them that them seeing him depends on HIM, and his behavior, not on them or on you. You must be very firm with the children, but nurturing and loving. They may cry to see him and you can say “I know you want to see your dad, and when he calms down, then you will be able to see him.” That way you acknowledge their feelings, but show that you are protecting them, and putting the problem where it belongs, HIS BEHAVIOR. Hoppefully, he will eventually get to where he gets out of their lives as well as yours, but right now, they are probably very confused, and anxious. Because no matter what kind of a sod he is, they love him just because it is him. Also they are maybe blaming themselves for his anger, so be sure that yo make sure that they are aware he is ANGRY AT YOU, not them.
Hang on Muldoon, you’ve got a hard road, but you are making great progress already, I can hear your strength in your posts!!! ((((hugs)))))
Muldoon,
If you are not getting at least 7 hours of sleep a day, please see your doctor and get help. Many, many adults need help getting proper sleep. Your MD will not consider you unbalanced for having this problem.
You’ve got to sleep so you can think straight and keep your composure when dealing with the authorities.
Muldoon,
I know that sleep deprivation was a big problem for me when my world came crashing around me. I had to get a sleep aid from my doctor just to get a “few hours of sound sleep”…
I remember once (before being prescribed a sleep aid) sleeping for a short time and then waking up like a bat out of hell. I literally jump from my bed almost to my feet. I never understood this. I awoke like I was ready to fight but fight what (no one was there other then my children sleeping in their bedrooms) I never knew? I never had that experience before and since that one time. You need to sleep so if you have too like the other members stated it might be best to ask your doctor for a sleep aid. Lack of sleep will only add to your problems..
I often wondered how many other members experienced a kind of “sleep deprivation” themselves?
Absolutely – I had a myriad of problems with sleep that I had never had in my life – after the breakup with the ex S. And for the first time in my life, I was prescribed sleep aids, and took them.
At first I could fall asleep easily, but every morning would wake up at 3:00 or 4:00am in a panic – utterly terrified – with nothing in particular attached…and then terribly depressed.
Later, after he started harrassing/stalking – I couldn’t fall asleep for hours, couldnt’ stay asleep, and woke up frequently throughout the night.
Not getting enough sleep does a real number on your emotional/psychological health. I got so weepy and emotional and paranoid…and felt strung out. I don’t like to take medications, and for a while I was afraid that if I was out on medication, I was putting myself in danger because he might break in and I wouldn’t hear.
But when I was more certain he wouldn’t come over (threat of Restraining Order), I started taking Ambien, and it made a world of difference.
My sleep has never been so messed up in my life as it was this past year since the breakup.
Thanks for the infor Healing Heart. Nice to know I wasn’t the only one to feel like that. And yes I remember to worrying about sleeping thru something but then again with the meds I still only would sleep for 3 to 4 hours and then wake up again. This cycle lasted for about 6 months.. Long 6 months..
Hi all…Did get sleep but woke up a couple of times for ne reason and this morning feel flat and still tired, almost zobie like. The gnawing twisting feeling of anxiety in my stomach id the thing that does my head in most. No matter what I am doing or who I am with, the feeling is there and always i am conscious of it to the point I cant keep track of my own thoughts