By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Justabouthealed,
I am so very sorry that your mother left a note that was hurtful for you to read after her death.
I just can’t even imagine how painful this must have been for you.
I hope that you were able to work through this and no longer feel the guilt trip she tried to put on you. This is so wrong on so many levels I am at a loss for words.
JAH,
I can’t remember where I read it but it is common for narcissists who are dying to do what your mom did. Usually it isn’t in a note. They rage and say venomous things to their family. I think I read it in “Why is it always about you?”
I’m so sorry for what you went through but know that you aren’t alone.
Witsend, how are you doing tonight? how are things with your son? I think of you often and pray that God will send you a miracle or at least a blessing.
skylar,
Pray for a miracle! Not for me but for him.
Dear JAH,
I am so sorry that your EGG DONOR did that to you, I won’t give her the title of “mother” as I don’t with mine, I think “mother” is a title that is EARNED and anyone who would deliberately HURT their offspring rates with me as a sow that would eat her pigs as they emerged from the birth canal…only one thing to do with that sow, get rid of her.
My sperm donor did a similar thing in his will, but you know, it didn’t hurt me at all because I did NOT WANT HIS BLOOD MONEY. I used to think (he was very wealthy) I would sue his estate and see if I couldn’t get “bought off” to go away, but when he actually died, I realized if he had left me 10 million $$$ I would have donated every cent of it to some charity that he would have hated. I no longer had any desire for his money, it was blood money!
We can have the last laugh on them though, because when we realize what they are, we no longer care. They can only hurt us if we CARE, and frankly I didnt’ even really realize I didn’t care, until he died. He was never a father to me, just an abuser. He also cut out 2 of lthe other 3 kids and left it all to the one just like him, a psychopath. LOL
My half brother had a “big” memorial service for my sperm donor, and the only people that came (it was on the internet) were distant business associates who really did NOT know him at all. there were none of his other children, none of his x wives, etc. it was pathetic really, the man did not have a FRIEND in the world, AND the only child he had that thought he was “wonderful” was a son who is apparently as much of a twisted psychopath as he is.
There was a time I “worshiped” him as well, but I soon got to KNOW him, and the worship turned to fear and hate, then eventually, over the years to the nirvana of indifference. I didn’t wish him ill and I didn’t wish him good, he was just a nothing to me except his genetics tainted my own P-son, but at the time I had children I didn’t know the risk genetically.
BUT, if I had known and had decided not to have children, I would not have had my other son who is NOT a psychopath. So in the end, I eventually WON over them all because I no longer care about them. It would have been NICE to have had a loving father and mother, but I DID have a wonderful stepfather so I am still ahead of the game….plus, it was through my sperm donor I met my wonderful husband! So in the end, it all lbecomes about what WE make out of our own lives.
I’m glad you recognize what her intentions were and that they were EVIL, but you don’t[ have to accept that EVIL as TRUE, because you can rise above believing the LIES.