By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Kindheart,
Yes actually, I DID read your post yesterday and I’m beginning to wonder if you are real.
Do you know what I mean? I get the feeling I should become a gray rock around you.
Sky , im not sure what you are getting at but im real and am being as honest as i can be about this. kh
Donna and LWH,
I haven’t read that book yet.
I thought it was about someone who still feels bonded to a P.
I guess after 25 years I do feel a type of bond. It’s hard to say where it’s attachment is. Is it the 25 years? or is my bond a bond for all people who were hurt as children because it reminds me of me? Maybe he’s just lumped in with that group?
Maybe there is no bond at all, but what I’m feeling is an inquisitve curiosity, an attraction to something monstrous because I see a small bit of myself looking back.
It’s like this trauma that I carry around is a wound in a part of my body that I can’t see without using a mirror. He serves as a mirror. And the mirror reflects not only the wound but the wound magnified. The mirror is a magnification mirror that also shows me what that wound would look like in the future if it’s allowed to fester.
My P-parents caused that wound. (funny how so many doctors have asked me if I was sexually abused as a child, I just looked at them in horror and responded, “NO!”) Maybe I wasn’t sexually abused but the trauma is there. Ironically without the xP, I would never have been able to see it. Bizarre.
Well now that I see it, how do I fix it? Does “The betrayal bond” address these types of issues?
KH, yes you do know what I’m getting at. You surround yourself with drama. The detective IS A SOCIOPATH. But you won’t admit it. YOU DIDN’T READ THE BOOK. We are here to help YOU, NOT the sociopathic detective. But you went out of your way to tell me that you got the book, which I’ve been recommending here for months, but DIDN’T READ IT. That tells me you have no desire and no intention of fixing yourself. The fact that you told me that yesterday and then reiterated it again today, tells me you KNOW that it is significant. It tells me that you are trying to trigger MY emotions.
KH,
I don’t know why you are behaving the way that you are but I can tell you that it is hurting you and not me. If your story is real then STOP IT. STOP surrounding yourself with drama because you are lonely or bored. READ, READ, READ. There are lots of books out there with wisdom for you. If you are real, you are really needing these books and instead of reading it you gave it away. STOP IT. If you refuse to help yourself, I cannot help you either. I’ll just go gray rock.
The Betrayal Bond is probably one of the best books out there explaining what is behind a betrayal and how you become bonded to the person who has betrayed you. There are good bonds , neutral bonds(with coworkers etc) and unhealthy bonds. I think the book does explain how childhood trauma makes you more suceptible as when you are betrayed usually your boundaries have been compromised and it also does a great job of explaining the Insane Loyalty that i’ve experienced with the s. It didn’t make sense to be loyal to him but i felt the need to be and that’s a huge component with Betrayal. I think the premise of being betrayed in the book has to do with being exploited. Of all the books i’ve read i think it is the best one out there and i was surprised that they didn’t mention it in the Trauma/Addiciton program i went through. I lent it to a friend who was sexually abused when she was a child thinking it would help her . Ihope to get it back as it’s a book you can reread over and over i found.kh
skylar, you made me want to add to my above post…x
‘to have me thinking that I could and KNEW how to ‘save him’ ” and in dong so , save me.
Blueskies,
Yes! Exactly.
Maybe he is beyond saving, but I’m not and I’ll use whatever God puts in my path to do so. It all has meaning, and it all speaks to me. The universe is speaking LOUDLY all the time and we just tune it out because we are so used to it. It’s literally a symphony of communication and a kaleidascope of information. But we are deaf and blind.
When I found out about the P’s, suddenly everything made sense. There were connections being made in my brain with lightning speed. I’ll bet that if a scan was made of my brain, before the realization and after the realization, there would be huge bundles of synapses that didn’t exist before. My senses, which were always on hyperalert for danger, now fill these synapses with data THAT MAKES SENSE. The data used to stop right at the amygdala – the center for fear. Now it gets sent for processing in the prefrontal cortex. It’s wonderful. In a way, euphoric. But I sense that there is still a blinder, something I’m not getting: another step in clearing my perceptions, maybe integrating what I know and what I feel into a cohesive understanding.
In reading the last several posts, the one thing that occurs to me is how important it is to focus on ourselves and WHAT WE WANT rather than what the other person did, does, or will do. Why is this so hard? I think it is because so many of us grew up hypervigilant to the needs of narcissistic parents and never developed a strong sense of self. I think it’s very important — and especially for you, KH — to at least try to imagine a life that is happy and peaceful, without stress and drama. I remember a time when I couldn’t even imagine this, so it is not my place to judge anyone who can’t. But once you can do it, you can start to let go of all the people, places, and things that don’t match up with WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. Sometimes you have to imagine something you’ve never experienced. I cannot really imagine in my conscious mind a healthy relationship. But my unconscious knows what that is because I dream about it once in a while. I hang onto those dreams and try to make them real, because this is WHAT I WANT.
Skylar, i agree i suck at helping myself and i can see where i focus on others so as not to deal with my own issues but im at least aware of it, at one time it was just second nature. You are right at wanting a response and i was prob looking for some toughlove without realizing it . I don’t know if he is or isn’t a sociopath , all i know is that he isn’t good for me, but the self doubt gets the better of me along with the loneliness etc. I went to a meeting yest and then for breakfast with an older gentleman who is heading south and he commented on me being too intelligent to get the program. I know what he was getting at , i’ve analyzed so much crap over the years that i have confused myself . I need to simplify things and you are absolutely right about the drama with people, keeps me from thinking about me and thats who i need to focus on. Beleive it or not i am spending more time than i ever have alone. The knowledge i’ve gained over the years has been a great tool but it’s in the action where i’ve been falling short, in the program and in my life in general. I’ve never experienced what i’m feeling right now, my mind is blank, as i don’t know what to do next so i sit paralyzed knowing i need to get a grip and move forward , i’ve lost all structure in my life. Skylar im sorry for putting you on the spot . love kindheart
Kindheart,
I’m the same as you. I suck at helping myself and I’m always looking for someone else to help. So I can relate. I’ll be reading a few more books and I’ll let you know if I find the key to changing this part of me. I get the feeling that the process for changing is going to be EXTREMELY painful. I think it will be like major surgery. I have a feeling that it involves opening up wounds from old trauma and reliving them with new and mature eyes.
Tell us about your upbringing, your mom and dad and siblings, there is probably an answer somewhere in your childhood.