By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Star,
you are the only person I’ve ever seen just face yourself with unbelievable courage. When you dealt with the young man you took a hard and honest look at yourself, minced no words and just accepted.
To tell you the truth, it made me nervous. It almost triggered my PTSD. I’m getting to where I am becoming aware of the emotional triggers, and seeing you do what I need to do, made me anxious. I’m not there yet. But I will be.
Last night I watched an adventure comedy “the brothers bloom” about 2 conmen. It was good but it also triggered me. I kept feeling anxious and bored at the same time. I kept feeling like I needed a distraction from the movie. It wasn’t because the movie was boring – it was because the movie kept shifting the boundaries between real and con, it kept reminding me of my life. I just felt the need to escape.
Sky, you have piqued my curiosity. What made you anxious about my situation with the boy? Did you think he was a sociopath?
P.S. It’s hard to face your shadow, but once you face it, it’s actually kind of empowering.
Thanks Blueskies.
I don’t know yet. You are further along in the path than I am.
I have not had anyone to speak about this and it is only coming out now.
Psychiatrist thinks I am psychotic therefore have had no one to talk to about this.
All I can say is God bless the internet because if it had happened thirty years ago I would not have had a chance.
When I screamed at him to get out of my house the last thing he said to me was ‘save my soul’.
I told him, ‘save your own fn soul’. I’m getting help. Unfortunately I haven’t had any and I have come further in the last few days here than in the last two years.
When he told me about his childhood sexual abuse 7 years ago–I was on the verge of leaving him. It pulled me back because I felt so sad for him.
As you say. Although not sexually abused I knew what abuse was like. I thought this was worse.
On looking back–perhaps this was a lie too.
I did feel that it was a bit convenient after 15 years–but I ignored it. Idiot.
What I do know is that he knew I had a very soft heart. I knew he didn’t. I thought he liked that about me. I had accepted that he wasn’t. But he showed me lots of affection–therefore I was fooled.
I was playful–he was serious. I really believed we had something complimetary going. He used to worry about silly things. Perhaps just a ploy. I don’t know.
Right now I am just thinking that it wasn’t real, Nothing in that 7 years. The only real thing about us was the 15 years I spent being abused and for that nightmare 9 months. That was the true reality of him.
Another thing is–when I look back–he never revealed much about himself. He never spoke about his childhood–nor spoke about work or anything.
When he revealed himselfI got the impression that he was trying to meke an connection. But then it got really ugly and he tortured and terrorised me.
Don’t forget he saw me as an object. Therefore he must have always saw me tha tway. So the 7 years meant nothing. Just an act.
He did say something at the beginning–he said I broke his heart.
So in trying to piece it together. The s was in charge for 15 years. Led me to believe I was respected and loved for 7 years. Got out of some sort of mind jail to punish me and destroy me for something only in his own mind.
I don’t think that he is capable of love in any real sense. Like I read somewhere else on this board, I think they have scripts. Mines did not see me as a real person. I remember feeling shocked that he did not know me at all.
What I do know, whichmakes me so different from him. Is that I would have never, ever have done this to him.
And Skylar. He did seem to have a mother fixation. I am not a psychologist. Just trying to put the puzzle together at the moment.
Remember you are not disordered–he is. He acts–you react.
Peace and lovexxx
Star, no it wasn’t the boy that scared me, it was YOU facing your fears. I was reading your posts, trying to learn from your experiences. I was ready to follow in your footsteps, but I got scared when I saw that you were flying without a wire. – not with the boy, but with your own shadow. Actually looking at yourself without knowing what you would find. Asking yourself what you want and then waiting quietly for the answer. I NEVER DO THAT. Before I even begin to ask the question, my mind is interruped with anxiety. Nevermind actually waiting for the answer. That’s why my brain has to speak to me in dreams and symbols, I won’t listen otherwise. I don’t know what I’m afraid of but I am noticing that my body interrupts the train of thought – it won’t actually let me go there – by creating a distraction (anxiety, boredom, physical pain, anything to keep from thinking certain thoughts. ).When you posted about your introspection, I noticed my body having anxiety. I think this is one little step forward, at least I’m noticing WHEN I’m being triggered even though I have no idea why.
LWH,
one thing I’m starting to realize is that they are not as in control as they think they are. They don’t know what’s real either. Part of the way they decided to make their lies “believable” is by mixing some truth into it. It gets blended really well, until the particles of truth and lies are very mixed up and you really can’t separate them, but neither can they.
Sky,
I am very flattered that you think highly enough of me that you would want to follow in my footsteps. I think it’s an excellent question to ask yourself, whether you share it here or not, what you’re afraid you’ll find if you look inside. I know a lot of people here are afraid that deep down they are sociopaths. They are so afraid of being like the sociopath that they think they need to be kind and nice to everyone. But I think that we all have the capacity to act selfishly and sociopathically, and sometimes that’s appropriate. It doesn’t make us bad; it makes us human. I’m not saying that is what you’re afraid of. I’m just saying the fear of what you’ll find may not even be rational.
When I was a graduate student, I read a very famous science fantasy trilogy. It was called the Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula Leguin. In the trilogy, the hero, named Ged, was learning the secrets of wizardry. He first learned that if he called things by their true names, he could have power over them. (I think that’s what we learn here when we learn to identify sociopaths and narcissists). But throughout the entire series, there was this dark thick fog that always chased him, especially when he was at sea. He called it the Shadow and was terrified of it. He always managed to get away from it but it always appeared when he least expected, and it chased him.
In the last book of the trilogy, he set out to find the Shadow and face it and find out its true name. He sailed to the ends of the earth–literally, because in those times they believed the earth was flat and you could actually said to the edge. He eventually found the Shadow and faced it. He asked it what its name was. It said “Ged”. (That was his name) It was then he realized the Shadow was a part of himself.
Isn’t that a great story? Everyone has a shadow. I never would have faced mine if the boy hadn’t seen it and reflected it back to me. I couldn’t hide from it any more.
Wow, Star, that is a great story. I’m on a quest to name that shadow.
Here are the clues it left me:
I can’t ask for anything. I feel like I have no right to impose on others. That’s why my xP was able to get away with everything for so long. HE had the right to ask for anything, but MY desires, MY true self was not worth someone else’s sacrifice. This carried over from my relationship with my parents. I could never ask them for anything and they never offered. They were and are just as selfish as he is.
What am I afraid will happen if I ask for what I want? They will laugh? They will ridicule my desires and tell me that I can’t have it because I’m not worthy. Reminds me of Cinderella asking if she can go to the ball too. Her step sisters and stepmom laughed and said, “silly girl, you aren’t ever going to fit in at the ball, you’re dirty and ugly and besides you have nothing to wear.”
Hm..did I just figure it out? Did they slime me with their narcissistic shame? I think that’s it. How do I get rid of it?
Don’t tell me to do a stuart smiley (you know from Saturday night Live) when he tells his mirror image that he’s good enough, and smart enough and damn it people like him. 🙂
I don’t think that will work for me. I already KNOW it’s true, I just don’t FEEL it. The slimers are out everywhere. I get slimed everyday by people who have their own feelings of inadequacy. The way they deal with it is to make everyone else feel smaller. I pick up on it all day long.
LOL …”because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” ha ha ha
Sky, I don’t know if that’s it. I think that’s the shame you feel, but I don’t know if that is a revelation to you. Maybe you are one of those people who have a positive shadow. Maybe your shadow is that you are awesome. And you don’t see it?
Anyway, I have felt the same shame most of my life, thinking that deep down there’s something wrong with me. Since I looked at the things that really WERE wrong with me, I don’t feel that sense of shame any more. I only feel this heaviness in my chest. A tarot reader pointed out to me the other night that I don’t trust. This is true. The heaviness is all my fear and mistrust.
Actually Star, yes, it is a revelation. I’m not sure it’s THE revelation, it only just came to me while typing to you. Thank you. No, I don’t think I have a positive shadow. I know/think that I’m quite capable, but I don’t feel very loveable because my parents made sure I would never feel loved. They never hugged or kissed me or told me that they loved me. I didn’t start getting hugs until I had MONEY. When I got a very large settlement from a car accident they began to treat me with respect. But of course, like all narcissists they were envious. They couldn’t wait to see it disappear. and when they overheard the P say that he was only with me for my money, they didn’t tell me. They were secretly very self satisfied.
The only thing that saves me, I think, is the overwhelming feeling that God loves me, because He keeps bailing me out of hot water.